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(137 Posts)
Yangste1007 Thu 06-Jun-19 11:10:21

Am I being too sensitive? My eldest daughter is getting married in May 2020. I had always imagined helping to plan her wedding and going shopping for her dress with her. To my surprise she has already been to 3 shops with some of her bridesmaids (3 of whom are fiance's sisters). I do live 100 miles from her but I am always ready to travel. Is this the way things are done nowadays? I feel I am being left out.

sarahcyn Thu 06-Jun-19 11:15:28

Do you feel you have a better eye for what’s on trend than her contemporaries do? I appreciate that if you are, for example, a professional fashion buyer your daughter would benefit from your advice, but would you be helping?

Maybelle Thu 06-Jun-19 11:27:52

I was lucky to be included in this special time with both my daughters.

However my friend's daughter chose to go wedding dress shopping with her girl friends not her mum.

As you live a distance away maybe your daughter is just whittling down options, before she asks you to come along and help make the final decision.

I suggest you talk to her and offer to visit and that you would love to be involved.

Sara65 Thu 06-Jun-19 11:40:35

I really wouldn’t worry about it, by the time she actually gets married, there will be plenty of other things for you to feel hurt about

Seriously, you need to grow a thick skin if you’re going to be mother of the bride, my advice, help when asked, otherwise keep a low profile

Marydoll Thu 06-Jun-19 12:14:22

I have just been wedding dress shopping with my daughter and she also brought along my DIL. She had postponed looking, as I have been in hospital and was too ill to go. I encouraged her to look on her own, as time was running out, but she insisted on waiting until I could come. She only lives ten minutes away, so it was easy to meet up.

However, times have changed and I think young people nowadays have a different "take" on things, so try not to be hurt. Perhaps, she felt she was imposing on you, by asking you to travel to visit her. Also it was probably an opportunity to have a girls' day out with her bridesmaids.

As Sar65 has said, there will be plenty of other things to get hurt about before the wedding actually takes place!
I too am keeping a low profile (apart for paying for it!), trying not to interfere and only helping when asked! I have had to bite my lip on a few occsions, as it's my daughter and her fiancés day, not mine! My mother took all the pleasure out of mine and I don't want history repeating itself.

If it is really upsetting you, choose your moment, have a quiet word with your daughter, but try not to make a big issue about it. I'm sure it will all be fine in the end.

Farmor15 Thu 06-Jun-19 12:30:16

I think you are being a bit sensitive. Some brides-to-be are very independent and like to make their own mind up, without any advice, particularly from mother! I did go on to one wedding dress appointment with eldest daughter, and she then had a few on her own, sharing some photos. In the end, she chose her own dress, without any input from me.

You could ask her to come with you when you look for your "mother of the bride" outfit. That way you would get some mother-daughter time.

glammanana Thu 06-Jun-19 12:32:44

I went with my DD for her wedding dress shopping along with her bridesmaid she had already done a lot of searching for the best style that would suit her so we had a head start when we got to the salon.
She tried on about 6 dresses and when she decided on "the one" we went on to stay the night at a local hotel for a girly night and picked up the dress the day after after some quick tweeks to the dress.
Both my DILs went shopping with their own families so it was a surprise to me as well as to my son's when the girls walked down the isle.
Maybe your DD is just making a shortlist for your help when she makes her final decision.

March Thu 06-Jun-19 12:40:39

I had always imagined helping to plan her wedding and going shopping for her dress with her.

I think that's the problem for so many hurt feelings!
Mismatched expectations.
Maybe that's not how she imagined it, maybe she thought you didn't want to go, maybe she wanted a day out with her friends.
I wouldn't worry too much.

EllanVannin Thu 06-Jun-19 13:01:12

I left my D and her friends to that side of the shopping. I'd have been useless anyway watching her trying on dresses and blubbering-----so no, leave that to your D and friends. Just blubber on the day when you see her !

I remember hearing the vicar's remark " oh, you look lovely ", to my D of course.

tinaf1 Thu 06-Jun-19 13:33:37

I had lovely day with my DIL she had been out with her bridesmaids and seen dress she liked but still wasn’t sure so she asked me to go with her for another opinion .( her mum had recently passed away which was very sad for her)
Upshot was she bought the dress she looked beautiful and we also chose the bridesmaids dress material. I really enjoyed myself as I only have boys

tinaf1 Thu 06-Jun-19 13:53:23

Meant to add sorry your feeling left out Yangste , perhaps because of the distance you are from her and if she is busy working arranging wedding etc it was easier for her to go with her friends ?

Eglantine21 Thu 06-Jun-19 14:44:50

My daughter just turned up one afternoon to show me the dress she had just bought. Admittedly it was a low key wedding and she had got a dress from the high street. But I was so upset that she hadn’t asked me to go with her, though I didn’t say anything except how lovely it was.

Fast forward twenty years and their anniversary. We were chatting about the wedding and she made a remark about “When we went shopping for the dress.....”

“No”, I said. “You did that on your own. I didn’t come with you.”

“Oh didn’t you. I thought you did.”

And the conversation moved on. It really wasn’t an important thing for her. So I’m glad I just shrugged it off.

I guess I’m saying that whether it’s a major deal for you or a minor disappointment really depends on what you wasn’t to make of it.

You’ll be there on the day?

M0nica Thu 06-Jun-19 14:49:29

Whenever I come across another mother upset over daughter's wedding, I am left thankful my daughter decided never to marry.

yggdrasil Thu 06-Jun-19 15:01:40

I borrowed a dress from a second cousin. Gave it back later. Money saved put to deposit for house.
Now mortgage free

Buffybee Thu 06-Jun-19 15:05:15

This wouldn't worry me whatsoever!
It would never enter my head that I would go with my daughter to choose her wedding dress. I would willingly help if she asked me to but going with her bridesmaids would make perfect sense to me.
The best advice, is to offer to help with anything regarding the Wedding and then wait to be asked.

crystaltipps Thu 06-Jun-19 15:05:27

I made my eldest DDs wedding dress and the bridesmaids and my own outfit. 4 bridesmaids and own outfit for youngest son’s wedding. Hoping my other two aren’t planning a wedding anytime soon. Wouldn’t have wanted to go to ghastly overpriced shops.

Eglantine21 Thu 06-Jun-19 15:06:54

Actually, thinking about it, she’s probably just “playing” at wedding dress shopping with her friends.

Just tell her that when she’s really looking to buy, you’d love to come along.

BlueBelle Thu 06-Jun-19 15:11:23

Oh I really don’t understand this need for some mums to be so involved with their adult children’s business. It’s far better they go with their friends or bridesmaids we would probably choose something quite different to them let them have their fun and giggle their way through the day without us hanging around
So for me yes you are expecting way too much it’s not a ceremony in it’d own right picking out a dress let the youngsters do it their way nothing to get upset or hurt over

SirChenjin Thu 06-Jun-19 15:17:50

Apologies if I've missed it, but did you actually tell her you'd like to go dress shopping with her?

I was quite disappointed when I got married - I thought that my mum would be keen to help me organise things but she didn't seem particularly interested, so I went shopping with some friends instead. I'm sure she would have made the 120 mile journey if I'd asked her, but a)it would have been nice if she'd offered and b)it was just easier to go with my friends.

lemongrove Thu 06-Jun-19 15:29:42

You are being sensitive OP, but not too sensitive I think.
However, don’t take it to heart.I loved my Mother a lot but she lived a long way away, and I popped into John Lewis in Oxford St (in my lunch hour!) saw a wedding dress I liked, tried it on, and left a deposit, collecting it a few days later.
I don’t think there was the worry about the ‘big day’ or bridezillas back then.?
It was a size 10 and I put it away for six months until the
wedding, come the day of the wedding I got it on ( just) was all the dinners made by my MIL to be.....eeeek.

lemongrove Thu 06-Jun-19 15:31:50

My DD did want to me to go with her dress shopping, so we did go and pick out a lovely dress together, but DD2 wanted to do it on her own ( fine by me.)Everyone is different.

J52 Thu 06-Jun-19 16:09:25

I asked my mother to come wedding dress shopping with me, she declined. She wasn’t interested.
I have 2DS so wasn’t involved in the DIL wedding dress shopping. No matter.
I have, however, had lovely days out MOG outfit shopping accompanied by DH.
Make an occasion of buying your own wedding outfit and enjoy the day feeling fabulous.

Septimia Thu 06-Jun-19 16:33:31

I don't have a daughter. DiL said something about shopping with her for wedding dress and bridesmaids' dresses. But I'm a 5 hour drive away and things just didn't work out. Of course she took her mum. However....I did get preview photos of everything before anyone else, so felt I was being kept in the loop.

I was also asked to do one or two things for the wedding itself, which was nice. I feel a bit left out, though, when I saw the official wedding photos as there were loads of her parents and a few of my DH but virtually none of me and few of our family. That wasn't her fault, just the eccentricities of the photographer.

And, looking at what photos there were of me, I find myself wishing I'd chosen another outfit. grin

In the end, it was a lovely day, and it was their day, not mine.

Maybe you could ask if there's anything you can contribute - perhaps you have artistic/photographic skills that would complement the other arrangements on the day and make you feel more involved.

HildaW Thu 06-Jun-19 16:42:44

My DD is also getting married May 2020!
It will be a low key affair but she will be getting a dress of some sort. She has promised me a trip to one wedding shop in a few months but it will be more of a dress-up fun occasion than a real shop. She might go ahead and buy something then or carry on looking - she's not even sure what sort of dress to go for.....its up to her and SIL to be. Their wedding day. To be honest I've offered funds for certain things.....dress, cake, reception etc etc. Nope, they are determined to do it themselves! I'll get some money into the fund somehow but at the moment she's being all independent and I will just smile and enjoy the ride.

Sar53 Thu 06-Jun-19 16:43:22

In 2007 I went wedding dress shopping with DD1, I was paying for the dress so seemed the right thing to do !!!
Fast forward to 2014 and DD2 went to St Lucia and got married without telling anyone so no I didn't go wedding dress shopping with her.
Priorities change, please don't get upset.. go with the flow and enjoy the wedding.