WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING WITH DAUGHTER

One of my best memories of my wedding preparations was the day I spent with Mum getting her outfit.

I don’t post much, hardly ever but often read. I’m often surprised how some people respond. Eg today someone a little sad about not going wedding dress shopping with daughter ( very understatedable) People reply with stories of shopping for dress, girlie night out etc. That’s really going to help isn’t it?

For my 1st wedding a friend of my Mum's made my dress, it was simple but a lovely dress. 2nd wedding I chose a suit as it was Registry Office with a Church Blessing. 3rd wedding I chose a summer dress as we had small Registry Office wedding & Reception in our large garden.

My DD & DiL chose their own dresses for their Civil Partnership, both looked gorgeous.

I do think a lot of young brides want to choose their own dress & don't expect Parents to pay, I agree with others , ask DD to go shopping for MoB outfit, such fun, I would have loved that but I didn't have to wear "fancy outfit" as DD's actual Wedding (conversion of Civil Partnership) was just the two of them with a meal for friends afterwards.

Many years ago when I got married I went by myself to buy my dress. I was very independent and it never occurred to me that my mum might want to come with me. She never said anything and now she has gone I can't ask her. But I regret not having her with me.
I went with my daughter and one of her bridesmaids to choose hers, and it was a lovely time. I was paying for it but it was completley her choice. If I was you I would talk to your daughter and ask her how she would like you to be involved. She might be like I was and just have no idea.

Good idea about the Mother of the Bride outfit shared shopping with your daughter. That could be a really lovely day out.

It sounds like your DD is browsing round the shops at present and hasn't actually chosen the dress. Next time you speak to her either just say could you go with her or ask if you could go to one of the fittings, she can only say no! If she is the sort of girl that is good at organising she will probably just get on with it, you can only offer to help where you can. Just think if you are not there you can't be accused later when she decides she has bought the wrong dress. I think it is a really good idea getting her to help you choose your outfit, everybody has to fit in now with colour etc apparently for the photos. Its just as hard work to marry off your daughters now as it was for Mrs Bennet in Pride & Prejudice!

Abyford

I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!

I was totally left out of my daughters wedding plans , as it had to be done in 6 weeks, as her future MIL had been told she only had a couple months to live. My daughter tried to include her as much as possible in the arrangements as she knew MIL loved all this girlie/woman stuff .... she also knew I didn’t. It all went off extremely well ( weddings don’t have to be that complicated or expensive). Her MIL had a lovely time helping her and on the big day. I didn’t mind in least taking a back seat ...no big sacrifice, all I did was hand over big chunk of money! 11 years down the line , marriage over ... so glad her MIL not her to see that!

I remember being quite surprised by how upset I felt about all sorts of aspects of the wedding. I had not expected that at all, but realised soon that so many other mothers seemed to feel that way. You are certainly not alone! Have a look at a book A Wedding in the Family, published earlier this year. It looks at why weddings create such big emotions and it really is helpful to understand what is going on

I don't think your being hypersensitive though it might be good to email her and ask if she'd like any help.

Although I've been married twice, I never went wedding dress shopping and was pleased to be involved with my younger daughter's wedding dress shopping and I arranged flowers for her reception.

My mum came with me when I bought my wedding outfits as she lived close by. One of my sisters just bought a frock she liked by herself and my youngest sis had us all there while choosing a dress and our bridesmaid outfits from Laura Ashley.

My own girls were the same. Eldest went with her best woman to look at frocks then she (best woman) made one to measure. She had 6 weeks to arrange it all!

Everyone is different and makes their own decisions. My mum had her wedding spoiled by my grandmother taking over everything including the guest list!

I very foolishly let my mother in law make my dress, we didn’t have much money, and she was a very good seamstress

I wanted something hippyish, pretty romantic, she just kept adding stuff, lace, frills, in the end I hated it.

My father in law saved the day by buying me a big floppy hat!

I just smile when I think about it now, not really such a big deal!

I don't understand why a Mum would expect to help select a wedding dress? I chose mine without asking anyone else for an opinion, I knew what I wanted.... When my daughter got married I didn't expect her to ask me what she should wear, that was up to her to decide. My daughter watches a TV programme about brides to be and their dresses, they seem to have to have half a dozen people in attendance before they can make a decision!! My advice would be just enjoy the day - on the upside, if the bride decides later she hates her dress *as happened to a friend of mine with her daughter) you aren't the one to blame!!

I think your expectations are not realistic. My DD designed her dress and had it made by a dressmaker, I paid for it along with everything else but did not see the dress until the wedding day.
DS and DIL arranged their wedding and again the dress was a complete surprise, no input was asked for and none given.

My own mother had no interest in what I was going to wear but this was not unusual for her. Won't go into detail.Consequently I was able to do my own thing although it would have been my decision what I wanted to wear but liked to have felt she was involved in my choice.
For my own daughters I made it clear' mum' was there should they want my opinion! which paid off as far as I was concerned and still believe I was wanted not tolerated or that they had felt obliged to bring 'mum' along.

I know just how you feel, Yangste! I always thought of wedding dress shopping as one of those special things mother and daughter share. I would have been disappointed if DD hadn't asked me to go with her. Happily, she did have me go with her one day, but then asked her bridesmaids to go w/ her to more shops the next day, and picked a dress out. She did bring me w/ her again to see it, as I was paying for it. A lovely dress, I might add!

But my point is that brides today often include their friends/bridesmaids in wedding dress shopping. And yes, Iv heard of their going w/ their friends only.

DD still might ask you to come shopping w/ her when she's really ready to buy. Also, I'm going to chime in with the poster who wants to know if you told her you're willing to make the trip. It might not change anything, but then again, it might. Worth doing, IMO.

What I am trying to say is - just offer to be of help in any way and leave it at that. Wait until she approaches you. It is her day.

I really did not care less if my daughters involved me in the wedding dress buying or any other part of the wedding. I only got involved when asked and would have happily just turned up on the day. They both organised their own very different weddings and I did what I was asked to do.
I was more worried my DDs didn’t feel supported by me than feeling hurt for not being involved.
The sure way to spoil a wedding is to start getting upset and hurt with the bride or groom.
DD2 had a registrars wedding I didn’t attend as it was very low key and sudden and ex husband who lived nearby would have sulked if not invited. I felt a bit sad not being there but not hurt as she did give me the option to attend. The wedding ceremony a few months later was fantastic and all organised by DD and SIL.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from, but listen to what happened to me and it may cheer you up. My daughter, living abroad arranged to meet me in NY, I live in the U.K., to buy I her dress. I was so excited. She then told me she’d invited her future MiL as she felt she’d miss out as she only has sons. She said ‘you don’t mind Mum, do you’. ‘Oh no, of course not’ I lied. It was arranged to meet the MiL at Heathrow and then the night before my DH had a stroke, so I had to cancel and MiL went on her own to NY to choose the dress. To exacerbate it, the pair of them wouldn’t tell me what the dress was like as they wanted me to have a surprise! I might add, she looked gorgeous , the wedding was amazing and ten years on she’s still a brilliant daughter! Enjoy the wedding, let them stress about the dress.

I agree with Sarah poster. If asked or offer help but I would keep an interested low profile. My Mum rail roaded my wedding 32 years ago, picked my dress etc etc it was more her wedding than mine. My daughter has a partner but not getting married just yet, I’ve learned a lot from my Mum on how not to behave with my daughter, seems to work as well.

I'd be gutted

Have you spoken to her and told her how you feel? Sometimes it’s all down to miscommunication. Do you want her with you when you choose your outfit, or does she not mind what you turn up to her wedding in? Maybe that is your opening line.
Both me and my DD’s future MiL, went along with her and the bridesmaids, to choose their dresses. I too would have been extremely upset had I not been invited to go along. I live 100 miles away from her but we arranged dates when we could all be together.

What a good idea Farmor15 suggested, to ask your dd to go shopping with you to choose MoB outfit. When I got married I asked my future MiL to help me pick my dress as she did not have any daughters of her own and she brought her granddaughter with her who was to be a bridesmaid, so we did both at once. My Mum had 5 daughters and was unwell before my wedding so could not travel 120 miles to pick a dress. I do think it helped me to get off on a good relationship with my MiL and we still get on really well today.

My own dd and I looked at a lot of dresses online and then she went to try some on with her bridesmaids and text me photos. To be honest I thought she looked stunning and any of 10 dresses would have looked good on her.

I have three sons and one daughter, all got married. DS1 got married in India first, purely religious, then again when I paid for one on the London Eye to finalise the paperwork. No involvement apart from expense in those.

DD said she wanted to wear my old wedding dress. I dissuaded her from that, then she asked me to make her one! She tried it on as soon as I had got the bodice and skirt together and burst into tears saying it didn't fit... After some reassurance that that was what fittings were for, she was happy with it, but a bit stressful.

DS2's MiL made the dress for her daughter, again not involved.

The only time I set foot inside a wedding dress shop was with my DS3's fiancé. She wanted everything recycled for her wedding, and came up with a stained dress, in a really unsuitable style for her, from a charity shop. (let's say it was designed for someone with more up top!) . She asked me if I could alter it to fit. She also produced her grandmothers wedding dress, which was grey and a very odd style and shape. I couldn't get either of them clean, and pleaded with her to let me make her one.

I found some ivory satin on eBay that had been used for tablecloths at a wedding, so she was happy it was still recycled. Then took her to try on some dresses in a bridal shop so she could decide on a style she liked. The dresses were over £3000 each, ridiculous price to pay for a few hours wear, but we got some ideas. In the end she had the tablecloth satin on top, and the stiffening from her grandmother's dress underneath, and she was happy. I was a bit of a wreck, thinking if I messed this up, our relationship would be skewed from day 1!

When my Daughter married twenty years ago, we werent invited to the Wedding as they were having a very quiet Wedding when they lived in America, but they sent our place names etc etc, we payed for her dress and things brides parents used to pay for, but I will never get over not being there. I will never have the hat I had planned to wear at my Daughters Wedding. On the Day we and the bridegrooms parents had a meal together, not quite the same as a Wedding reception in Arizona! Incidentally we would have paid our fares to America no problem.

Only one of my DD is married and I was involved with choosing the dress, but I honestly don’t think I would have been hurt if she had just taken her sisters and best friend (bridesmaids) to choose.