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I 'fussed too much'.

(100 Posts)
Witzend Sun 09-Jun-19 14:10:45

Don't know whether IABU to feel miffed - dh thinks I am.

We recently had two of his Canadian relatives to stay before their major holiday in Europe. One middle aged, one elderly. TBH I barely know either of them.

I went to a fair amount of trouble, making a cake, plus soup and quiche for lunch, etc.
They both ate like birds, wouldn't touch my soup or cake, and had just slivers of quiche. (Might add that dh and a visiting BiL ate heartily of everything so I don't think it was my cooking!)
They both ate very small portions of (home made) evening meal, too. Didn't touch the pudding (lemon tart, though I didn't make that)

At no point did I urge or try to make them eat more than they wanted. I've often had guests who've been both very big and very small eaters, so well prepared for either.

However, in the 'thank you' email recently sent to dh by the younger, it said, 'Witzend, you fussed too much.'

WTF??? Dh thinks it's just unfortunate wording, and that she means I went to too much trouble - not that I think I went OTT at all, just what I'd normally do for guests.
Personally I think it was rude.
At any rate, if dh ever wants to invite them again, I shall book myself a mini break and he can do the 'fussing'!

Calendargirl Sun 09-Jun-19 14:15:19

Yes, an unfortunate choice of words. I think they really meant that you went to a lot of trouble for them and they didn’t expect you to. But I too would feel a bit peeved if someone said I “fussed”.

MiniMoon Sun 09-Jun-19 14:18:31

This is our way of showing hospitality. I make homemade cakes etc when I know people are calling.
The first thing I ask when they've taken their coats off, is "would you like a cup of tea?"
By "fussing too much", I wonder if they meant that they hadn't expected you to go to the trouble of making food!
I wouldn't let it bother you.
It wouldn't bother me.

Urmstongran Sun 09-Jun-19 14:23:15

Oh Witzend what a remark to hear on your kindness and generous hospitality. I bet you felt crushed.

I wonder though if the wording somehow got lost in translation? Maybe because they have very small appetites they felt you’d gone over the top with your offerings? Though you weren’t to know! Maybe they felt a bit bad not being up to the meals and do them justice.

Who knows?

You feel hurt. It’ll pass. You won’t have to host them again (give thanks!).

Pour yourself a glass of something nice this afternoon, take a deep breath and have a giggle over it. Your husband probably feels caught in the middle as they are his relatives!

Goodbyetoallthat Sun 09-Jun-19 14:26:21

I think it was rather rude too, a simple thank you for your hospitality would have done fine.
It all sounds lovely to me.

EllanVannin Sun 09-Jun-19 14:32:33

Blimey I used to " kill the fatted calf " when expecting visitors. In fact the place will be stuffed to the gunnels with food next week including a large sherry trifle----when D and SiL land from Oz. They've got a busy schedule too but will certainly force a good dollop of trifle down their necks before going on their travels, if nothing else.

I would feel insulted if anyone told me I fussed too much, but then again, the family know how I prepare for visits and daren't say boo !

Teetime Sun 09-Jun-19 14:48:31

I'm a Ma Larkin and always provide plenty and have often been told I am 'over the top'. Wouldn't it be nice if guests just said a polite thank you as I am sure many of us were taught to do. witzend I would love someone to 'fuss me' like that. Dont take it to heart just give yourself a big 'fussing' . flowers

NanKate Sun 09-Jun-19 14:50:23

What a rude pair of guests. They wouldn’t come to my house again. May I have a large slice of your homemade cake please ?

grannyqueenie Sun 09-Jun-19 15:07:12

I can understand how you feel witzend hopefully they meant “it was very kind of you to go to so much trouble for our visit, we really appreciated your thoughtfulness!”

I find it’s very hard to gauge with some guests. We recently had some of dh relatives staying, I don’t find them easy company (actually neither does he!) and felt it was a rather tense visit on several different levels. Like you I had made an effort with meals and dh had too in thinking of outings they might enjoy. I’ve just had a card in the post thanking us for a lovely time and appreciating that we’d taken them out and about. At the time I’d no sense they were enjoying any of it, least of all the outings! So who knows maybe my sil, wanting to be polite, just lied through her teeth when writing the card!

BlueBelle Sun 09-Jun-19 15:12:01

Rude ...cup of coffee next time

DillytheGardener Sun 09-Jun-19 15:14:31

I’m a Ma Larkin too like tee time, nobody could accuse me of undernourished guests. They are all filled with heartening food made with love from my beloved Aga. I would just take it as a ‘lost in translation’, even if they had small appetites I’m sure they enjoyed the food and they probably more worried that their stay had been so much work for you. I would tell DH to reply from you that it was your pleasure, come anytime. They live so far away I doubt it would be a regular occurrence and it must have been lovely for your DH to see them. I wouldn’t let a wee misunderstanding undermine his blood relationships. X Dilly

Sara65 Sun 09-Jun-19 15:15:20

I agree, I think they probably were trying to say you went to a lot of trouble for them, admittedly it could have been worded better!

There’s absolutely nothing worse than not having enough, so I’m sure you did right, don’t waste time worrying about it

DanniRae Sun 09-Jun-19 15:21:38

Think of all the lovely leftovers you had to enjoy for the next few days! grin

FlexibleFriend Sun 09-Jun-19 15:42:23

I think it sounds rude too, even if they felt it they shouldn't have said so but hey they've gone, you don't have to see them again so let it go. I'd leave the ungrateful buggers to book a hotel or B&B next time.

Septimia Sun 09-Jun-19 16:18:57

It sounds to me like you did what most of us would do to make them feel welcome.
I wonder what their hospitality is like?

Luckygirl Sun 09-Jun-19 16:27:28

Is it a Canadian expression for going to a lot of trouble I wonder? A bit of a strange choice of words.

I hate cooking and if anyone did not appear to appreciate my efforts I would be heartily hacked of!!!

Luckygirl Sun 09-Jun-19 16:27:37

Or even off!

M0nica Sun 09-Jun-19 16:41:42

Perhaps they weren't used to home cooking, and usually eat ready meals and the like or are serial grazers, so when they were presented with home prepared food, they thought you had done it specially for them, rather than realising that is how you normally ate.

Or they could have been afraid of the 'dangers' of home produced food as distinct from food 'safely' produced in a factory,

Day6 Sun 09-Jun-19 16:50:35

Ooooh Witzend I'd be hopping mad too!

A simple thank you for looking after them so well would have sufficed. I am sure the 'too much fussing' was just a badly worded sentence, but it does seem rude and unappreciative of the efforts you made in order to feed them well and look after them. Rest assured, your hosting was fine.

It is disappointing when you go to the effort to make nice dishes and guests merely peck at them. This happened to me with a couple who stayed for the weekend in February. I know we all have our likes and dislikes but every single dish was picked over by the woman and she ate like a sparrow with lots left on the side. Husband couldn't have seconds. I know they push the boat out when entertaining, and I try to provide lovely meals for my guests too. I almost felt like she was playing on-upmanship games. Her husband was told he didn't want pre-dinner Prosecco or G&Ts yet at home he drinks, as does she. It almost seemed like she was deliberately putting a damper on the events to score points. It worked. And yes, OH told me everything was lovely and girlfriends came to lunch the next day to finish the leftovers and we had a good old chin-wag about unappreciative guests. They assured me it was 'them' - and they left clean plates and polished off everything I'd made.

Yes, OH said I was over-thinking things, but I wasn't. grin

Next time, if they come again, leave your DH to entertain and feed them and be unavailable - or tell them it's fish and chips for supper, from the chippy! grin That is my plan!

Maggiemaybe Sun 09-Jun-19 17:04:40

Witzend, you sound like the perfect host, and I’d be cross too if I were you. What appalling manners.....unless, of course, one of our Canadian members could confirm that the comment has been lost in translation. smile

Either way, tinned soup and a cheese sandwich would be all that was on offer if they ever returned!

KatyK Sun 09-Jun-19 17:17:04

I always like to make a fuss of visitors. I get plenty of food in. They are welcome to eat as much or as little as they wish. I have come to realise that not everyone is the same. I have posted on here before that a few years ago we had a couple of friends to stay for the night. I only had to provide breakfast as we were going out the next day. The lady of the couple is a bit fussy so I bought a good variety of things for breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages, brown and white bread for toast, porridge oats, various cereals. I got skimmed milk, whole milk, semi skimmed, butter, Flora, jam, marmalade. She was happy. We stayed with them later and when I got up she said 'would you like some porridge? ' I told her I didn't like porridge. She replied 'we haven't got anything else'. No breakfast for me then! grin

Callistemon Sun 09-Jun-19 17:17:49

I think, even if their phrasing is different in Canada, that this was the height of rudeness.

If your DH ever wants to invite them again, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is welcome to host them whilst you go to a spa/whatever you fancy, for the weekend!

Is there any cake left? Or lemon tart? Gransnetters are always extremely grateful for any leftovers, especially home-made cake smile

shysal Sun 09-Jun-19 17:19:12

Like my mother, I am a feeder. Guests are always offered masses of home cooked food, and a 'Red Cross Parcel' to take home.
Don't give your rude guests another thought, you were a thoughtful host! flowers

TerriBull Sun 09-Jun-19 17:22:22

We've gone to quite a lot of trouble with my husband's Canadian relatives over the years and when we went out to Vancouver that wasn't reciprocated one iota, one cousin in particular offered to show us around with the caveat "I can only give you half a day" plus telling the waitress at lunch, "please give them a separate bill" we'd laid on some extensive entertaining for their side of the family over the years. My Canadian relies were much better I have to say taking us about all over the place up in Banff and around Calgary and then they came over to us and we had a wonderful time showing them around London Anyway next time husband's side of the family flew in and were looking for a few days at his sister's this time, she told them, they were going to be away even though they weren't. Same cousin didn't even bother asking us I think she knew....hmm

DameJudyClench Sun 09-Jun-19 17:22:29

If I was fed like that while on a visit, you'd never get rid of me! grin