Stalking from elderly neighbour

Some good suggestions on here already for not having to spend time with a neighbour who is clearly upsetting you. However you go about it you need to be able to relax in your own home. Could a friend or your husband help next time she knocks, calls out or tries to give unwanted gifts? I really do think you may end up having to be a bit more assertive and telling her you are not available for visits, do not want to go round hers for coffee etc.

I agree with Starlady that "The racist comments would be a total deal-breaker for me". That she is racist about your husband could be the number one reason to avoid her - just tell her once "I cannot be friends with a racist" and walk off. She may not like being told this, but you don't like having a "mildly racist" neighbour insult the man you have been married to for 33 years. You and your husband should not have to tolerate any racist behaviour (nor should anybody else), it is unacceptable and hurtful.

If she has the hide of a rhino and fails to get the message if you cut her off, don't invite her in or accept invitations, and call her out on being a racist, tell her your mental health makes you want to tell people to F**k off and leave you alone!

Good luck, I hope you find strategy that works for you and that you get some peace back in your life, can enjoy your home and ease some of the stress to lessen your chronic depression.

You must tell her that you need your space. We should be able to relax in our own homes, and gardens. Just tell her the truth, and that you are not used to going in and out of neighbour's homes and vice versa.
Just be pleasant but firm

This lady sounds desperately lonely, but this doesn’t mean that you have to put up with this intrusion. I have no suggestion to make except, maybe, have a gentle word with her husband. Good luck.

'If elderly must be a form of dementia'?? Diagnosis of a persons mental capacity should be left to those qualified to do so and who are we to assume that someone is doing something on the instructions of another, ie cut grass wash a car, than by their own choice.?
We may be surrounded by those we love, and loved by, but still feel lonely and this may be difficult for others to understand.How one politely handles an over bearing neighbour without causing offence as we never know when we ourselves will need help and companionship needs discretion. We can invent a situation' must go have etc etc to do 'or obtain professional advice if a person is clearly dominating ones life as I do not see, what maybe a clear case of loneliness on the part of a neighbour, changing.

Hopefully the advice you have been given will enable you to decide on a strategy. M0nica is right
'This situation will not end unless you take some action. I think the idea of having a chain on the door and saying 'not today, I am too busy' and then shutting the door is the best solution. She will either stop bothering you or it will get worse and then you can call the police and let them deal with it.'

Doing nothing is not an option

As others have said your home is your home. I suggest you have a strategy such as a phone that is rining or what ever so that you cannot stay to chat. do not visit her home again.

Well you can try doing what my friend did with an extremely similar next door neighbor. Decide how much time you can give her and outside those times wave her off with a "can't stop". It's kinder than cutting her off altogether, unless you really can't stand her at all

She sounds a lonely woman - probably through her actions with previous neighbours and friends!
You don't have to be assertive as such - just put your foot in front of the door and the next time she calls round say "I'm sorry, but I am busy" and then quietly close the door!
If she shouts out of the window at you, ignore her and carry on walking - it will be difficult at first, but stick to your guns and she should get the hint

Also, so deeply sorry about your struggles w/ depression. But all the more reason, IMO, to keep negative energy/this neighbor out of your life.

Gilf, I'm sorry you're facing this situation but think you've gotten very good advice here.

Also want to comment on agnurse' suggestion about not answering the door, at all, if you know it's the neighbor. There's no rule that says one has to open ones door just because someone rings the bell. You're entitled to your privacy.

The racist comments would be a total deal-breaker for me. The next time she makes such a remark (if she gets the chance, that is), I would tell her in no uncertain terms that this isn't acceptable to me, turn on my heel and leave (or whatever fits here). That would give me an obvious "reason" to avoid her afterwards, also. But even if it didn't, I would not put up w/ that.

Wishing you all the strength and courage you need to deal w/ this situation.

You find it hard to assert yourself, I get that. Feeling that you are in a situation which you cannot control is very difficult and uncomfortable, which can cause stress and unhappiness.

If I were in this situation, I would start to draw back. As others have said, don't answer the door occasionally, make an excuse that you have go somewhere/have an appointment etc.

Make your relationship with your husband important; e.g. say you're meeting him for lunch/he's taking you out for lunch.

This is what I did when I didn't want to become involved in a family matter; I always had to be somewhere or had already arranged to do something, and now the expectation of me has been removed so that now I am not asked. I now get involved on my terms, and if it's suits me.

I found that drawing back was a way to say no without being confrontational or appearing rude, and I practise this whenever I feel someone is expecting too much.

Hope that helps. x

Our practice is that if we don't know who is at the door, or if it is someone we don't want to see (rare), we simply don't answer the door.

You may think that's rude. This is our home. No one is entitled to enter it without our consent. If we aren't up to company that's our decision. We don't need to justify that to anyone. If you don't get a response, either we aren't home, or we aren't up to company.

IIRC, back in the day, people would have times when they were "at home" and would be open to receiving callers, and times when they were "not at home". They might still be in the house, but they weren't receiving company and their servants were told to state as much to anyone who came to the door.

The only difference for us is that we don't have a servant

If the doorbell rings - you could try instead opening an upstairs window...to say you can’t come down...

Or answer the door (on the chain) wearing just a bath towel or skimpy sarong.....

She sounds very controlling. I might even say bullying. As others have said, you need to put a stop to this as it will affect your mental health which, you mention, is already fragile.

If you do not feel strong enough to deal with it yourself, do you have a friend who can give you a bit of moral support?

It would be very tempting to tell her where to go after her offensive comments about your OH, however, I would follow the advice of many here and just not let her in, tell her you are busy and never never accept invitations from her.

Why go over to her place ? You could nod and smile when she invites you , but just not turn up , don't answer the door to her , she should soon get the message

She sounds very needy

Someone said on here once that people can be 'drains' or 'radiators' and she sounds like 'a drain'.

I agree with Callistemon, perhaps this relationship was all rather hurried?!
You mention "when I go to hers", I'd stop visiting. As others have said, start being unavailable when she arrives at your door.
If you're in the garden and she tries to get your attention...just say "sorry, just talking / reading....I'll perhaps catch up with you another time".
She sounds deeply unpleasant and you also must consider your husbands feelings, especially if this person is making racist comments!

Gilf2019 - you have my sympathy: I have been “neighbour dodging” for most of my life! This woman is obviously very pushy and you will have to try to extricate yourself from the situation. Remember, you do not have to answer any caller at your door - home is your safe place. Try to ignore her at all times and, if she persists, put a note through her door, politely telling her that you wish to be left alone. The racist comments from her are incredibly rude and hurtful. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this awful woman! ?

phoenix, yes, the OP heading states the elderly neighbour is 'stalking her'.

I think the problem is that you sound as if you became very friendly very quickly, gilf and this woman felt that she had found a 'new best friend'; you realise now that you don't want her as a best friend but she is still in blissful ignorance of that fact.

It would be difficult to totally ignore her so, in order to remain on good but more distant terms (ie good neighbours) you will have to withdraw gracefully, make excuses, without being unkind.

However, if she is overtly racist again, that is the time to tell her you won't tolerate that.

kitty I don't think the OP mentioned the neighbour being elderly, Guineagirl mentioned a similar situation with an elderly neighbour of hers in her response.

A new neighbour moved in and I immediately recognized the "needy" signs from her.
Every time I got out of my car, her head would pop over the fence, chattering on, inviting me in for tea/wine.
I always made excuses: have to get this frozen stuff in the freezer or sorry I can hear my phone ringing etc.
Until in the end, I just totally looked the other way and ignored her, then the next time her head popped over and I couldn't avoid her, I told her I was slightly deaf (I'm not) so if I ever don't hear her, if she's calling to me that's the reason.
I never went to her home, ever...... nor invited her to mine, if I had done I don't think that I would have ever got rid of her.
Took me about 2 years but now she leaves me alone and if I see her face to face, I give her a cheery hello and wave, then hurry away as I'm always rushed off my feet (I'm not).

You just have to put an end to it, pretending to be out, or making up excuses will only prolong the agony.

You’ll probably find she’s pounced on you, because she’s worn out her welcome everywhere else!

Just don’t invite her over I was going with it to do things genially until you mentioned she was racist then I m afraid it’s out the door and don’t come back
Only you can stop her coming round, either tell her outright or be busy, sorry can’t stop now on my out, or got a migraine just going to lay down but stop this it’s drsining and not right fir you

I was just going to say the same MawBroonsback

You have to assert yourself; chatting occasionally in the garden is one thing but this seems to be taking over your life.
Be pleasant but firm, telling her 'not now, sorry, I am very busy/going out/expecting visitors/have an appointment'.

You can't call the police because a neighbour is annoying you by being over-friendly!