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Stalking from elderly neighbour

(65 Posts)
gilf2019 Mon 10-Jun-19 14:12:45

Having been unexpectedly invited for tea and cake one sunday afternoon to a new neighbour's expensive home (I live in a Shared Ownership home) I believed my husband and I had found new friends. However, this relationship has now begun to affect my mental health as I am constantly being 'stalked' by this woman 3 or 4 times a week, when she simply turns up at my front door expecting to be let in or inviting me.
When I go to hers she makes sure her husband has been sent to wash the car or cut the grass, which I think is a bit weird. She contantly brings me 'gifts' and old reading books which I haven't asked for but which she says she won't then have to take to the charity shop.
She appears to use me as a sounding block talking voraciously about what she and her husband to each day and what walk they've been on, in rediculous detail. If I try to chip in she will even say "changing the subject completely" and get back to what she wants to say. This woman is not a friend as a friend would also "listen" and know when not to arrive.
As I suffer from chronic depression, which she is fully aware of, I find it difficult to assert myself. I feel now that I am being 'cotrolled', especially when she gets angry if my husband dares to take time of work, with comments like "doesn't he ever go to work!" She is also mildly racist about my husband of 33 years who is of West Indian descent.
I can't even use my garden now as she hangs out of her upper windows trying to get my attention, even at weekends when my husband is at home and all we want is a bit of peace!
Help! I've had enough. Sitting here with a sign on my front door saying "please do not disturb (unwell) and feeling very trapped!

Guineagirl Mon 10-Jun-19 14:48:46

She sounds like an elderly neighbour here who thankfully left her husband and moved. She was identical and was a Narcissist so be aware. We ended up moving our entrance door which was at the side of our property opposite theirs to the front of the house. At first she was so overly nice but also racist and controlling, I showed her I wouldn’t be controlled. We ended up with cctv as she started spying in our windows she was a nightmare. Be polite but think of yourself, don’t be controlled and watch if she turns into not liking you as then your troubles begin

Smileless2012 Mon 10-Jun-19 14:50:04

Oh dear gilf I'm afraid you have only two choices; continue with this very one sided 'friendship' or bring it to an end.

I do understand that suffering from chronic depression makes it difficult to assert yourself so perhaps a letter may be the best way forward. Sounds as if she may take some time to accept it, but once the decisions been made I'm sure she'll find another friend.

TBH if Mr. S. was of West Indian descent someone would only have to be "mildly racist" on one occasion and that would be an end to the relationship.

Take the bull by the horns and tell her you want to end the friendship. Good luckflowers.

Guineagirl Mon 10-Jun-19 14:50:16

Google Narcissism I did and it will explain how to handle them

Septimia Mon 10-Jun-19 14:53:27

Appearing to not be at home when she calls is one answer but is difficult to do without it being obvious, although maybe it would give her the message.

I wondered if you could put some sort of summerhouse/ gazebo in your garden where you can sit without her being able to see you.

kittylester Mon 10-Jun-19 14:58:23

Can I ask how old elderly is?

wildswan16 Mon 10-Jun-19 15:26:28

You have to find your inner strength and stop this as soon as possible. Do not let her into the house. Open the door with the chain on if necessary and say "sorry, its not convenient". No other explanation is necessary.

She sounds a very needy sort of woman and very unpleasant as well.

It might be hard to do, but a lot easier in the long run than putting up with her day after day. She will, eventually, get the message. Don't stop enjoying your garden. Ignore all noises from above and she will get fed up. flowers

3dognight Mon 10-Jun-19 15:27:19

She sounds desperate to be friends, but only on her terms!

Be not in when she calls round, or say you are just off out, sorry, and go out, anywhere. If she calls later, you have a migraine and are laying down in a dark room. You have an appointment sorry. Etc, etc. She will hopefully get the message.

In order to keep it sort of friendly, if after a few days of her keeping away, and then she calls round again, don't let her in but suggest having a coffee somewhere maybe later on the week.

That way you can leave when you want, and you are in control.

One more racist type of comment though, say I don't have to listen to this, goodbye. Just go and never answer the door to her again. She will know why, unless she's super thick skinned.

sodapop Mon 10-Jun-19 15:54:40

It's hard gilf2019 but sometimes you just have to lay things on the line. This lady is clearly in need of company but appears to have little social awareness. I would take wildswan's advice and turn her away, I appreciate the fact you don't like confrontation but if you are not direct this situation will continue.

I see that Mental Health diagnoses are again being made on the basis of one short post.

EllanVannin Mon 10-Jun-19 16:09:56

I'd assert my mouth and tell her to naff off.You don't need one of those in your life she'll wear you down.

M0nica Mon 10-Jun-19 16:14:27

This situation will not end unless you take some action. I think the idea of having a chain on the door and saying 'not today, I am too busy' and then shutting the door is the best solution. She will either stop bothering you or it will get worse and then you can call the police and let them deal with it.

Doing nothing is not an option

Gonegirl Mon 10-Jun-19 16:29:45

She's lonely. But you, with your depression, are not the right person to accommodate that. When she comes to the door tell her you're busy. When she offers you gift say, "No, I won't take that, thank you. I've really got enough".

Ignore calls from above in your garden until she ets the message.

Gonegirl Mon 10-Jun-19 16:30:24

please don't call the police. grin

kittylester Mon 10-Jun-19 16:44:49

If the poor woman is really elderly she may have some form of dementia.

MawBroonsback Mon 10-Jun-19 16:59:18

I understand one idea is to open the door in your coat with your bag in your hand and say you are just going out, then pull the door to behind you.

Callistemon Mon 10-Jun-19 17:56:45

I was just going to say the same MawBroonsback

You have to assert yourself; chatting occasionally in the garden is one thing but this seems to be taking over your life.
Be pleasant but firm, telling her 'not now, sorry, I am very busy/going out/expecting visitors/have an appointment'.

You can't call the police because a neighbour is annoying you by being over-friendly!

BlueBelle Mon 10-Jun-19 18:28:02

Just don’t invite her over I was going with it to do things genially until you mentioned she was racist then I m afraid it’s out the door and don’t come back
Only you can stop her coming round, either tell her outright or be busy, sorry can’t stop now on my out, or got a migraine just going to lay down but stop this it’s drsining and not right fir you

Sara65 Mon 10-Jun-19 18:53:20

You just have to put an end to it, pretending to be out, or making up excuses will only prolong the agony.

You’ll probably find she’s pounced on you, because she’s worn out her welcome everywhere else!

Buffybee Mon 10-Jun-19 19:15:05

A new neighbour moved in and I immediately recognized the "needy" signs from her.
Every time I got out of my car, her head would pop over the fence, chattering on, inviting me in for tea/wine.
I always made excuses: have to get this frozen stuff in the freezer or sorry I can hear my phone ringing etc.
Until in the end, I just totally looked the other way and ignored her, then the next time her head popped over and I couldn't avoid her, I told her I was slightly deaf (I'm not) so if I ever don't hear her, if she's calling to me that's the reason.
I never went to her home, ever...... nor invited her to mine, if I had done I don't think that I would have ever got rid of her.
Took me about 2 years but now she leaves me alone and if I see her face to face, I give her a cheery hello and wave, then hurry away as I'm always rushed off my feet (I'm not).

phoenix Mon 10-Jun-19 19:54:24

kitty I don't think the OP mentioned the neighbour being elderly, Guineagirl mentioned a similar situation with an elderly neighbour of hers in her response.

Callistemon Mon 10-Jun-19 20:07:58

I think the problem is that you sound as if you became very friendly very quickly, gilf and this woman felt that she had found a 'new best friend'; you realise now that you don't want her as a best friend but she is still in blissful ignorance of that fact.

It would be difficult to totally ignore her so, in order to remain on good but more distant terms (ie good neighbours) you will have to withdraw gracefully, make excuses, without being unkind.

However, if she is overtly racist again, that is the time to tell her you won't tolerate that.

Callistemon Mon 10-Jun-19 20:10:08

phoenix, yes, the OP heading states the elderly neighbour is 'stalking her'.

Glammy57 Mon 10-Jun-19 22:03:07

Gilf2019 - you have my sympathy: I have been “neighbour dodging” for most of my life! This woman is obviously very pushy and you will have to try to extricate yourself from the situation. Remember, you do not have to answer any caller at your door - home is your safe place. Try to ignore her at all times and, if she persists, put a note through her door, politely telling her that you wish to be left alone. The racist comments from her are incredibly rude and hurtful. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this awful woman! 💐

Dee1012 Tue 11-Jun-19 11:55:47

I agree with Callistemon, perhaps this relationship was all rather hurried?!
You mention "when I go to hers", I'd stop visiting. As others have said, start being unavailable when she arrives at your door.
If you're in the garden and she tries to get your attention...just say "sorry, just talking / reading....I'll perhaps catch up with you another time".
She sounds deeply unpleasant and you also must consider your husbands feelings, especially if this person is making racist comments!

Callistemon Tue 11-Jun-19 11:59:11

She sounds very needy

Someone said on here once that people can be 'drains' or 'radiators' and she sounds like 'a drain'.