Stalking from elderly neighbour

Perhaps she's trapped in the neighbour's house ....

Sorry, just been watching Killing Eve ....

Gilf is quite a strange user name, maybe just wanting a reaction, sadly ?

What a pity gilf2019 didn’t come back to say thanks for all the thoughtful posts or even tell us what happened ?

If you don't want to spend time with this person, don't. If she is at the front door don't open it, if you bump into her somewhere else just say you are busy and keep moving. All done in the nicest posssible way with a smile. No need for convoluted and concocted excuses.

Guess that’s a NO!

What kind and clever advice from everyone. Did the OP ever come back? ?

I think in view of the stress that coping with this woman face to face is causing you, I would write her a note:

Dear 'Betty'

I'm afraid that lately I've begun to feel that you need more from our relationship than I am capable of giving you.
Due to my health problems I would really prefer to remain just neighbours on nodding terms rather than friends, and hope that you will respect this. I would also add that when I saw you recently you made a remark which I felt was rather racist, and in view of the fact that my husband is of West Indian descent, I found this rather upsetting.

I appreciate that being new to the area you may be a bit lonely, so perhaps it would be a good idea to investigate activities locally (you could perhaps make some suggestions at this point) where you can meet other people who are more like minded.

That way you have been clear that you're not up to being best buddies, that she has caused you offence, and have at the same time shown that you recognise that she may be lonely, and done your best to point her in the direction of meeting other people who she might get on better with.

I do hope that my suggestion, or those from other 'Grans' help you to deal with this, as it appears you have enough things to cope with without this woman causing you more stress.

What a nightmare for you! I once had a new neighbour move in who wanted to best buddies! I like my own space and privacy, but found myself in some situations that were difficult to get out of, as I also don't like confrontation or offending/upsetting people. In the end, she did get the message.

It does sound like she's very lonely, and clinging on to the first person she's made 'friends' with ... unfortunately, for you!

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to be skulking around inside your own home, feeling like a prisoner, trying to avoid her, not answering the door, constantly having to make excuses, and never being able to enjoy going out into your garden. What kind of life is that? When she does call, I'd answer the door and simply tell her, 'sorry, it's not convenient right now as I'm busy with something, some other time, maybe ...' If she then goes on to say she'll pop in tomorrow, or invite you to hers, again simply say you'll have to take a raincheck, as you're busy. I wouldn't pretend you're going out, or put on your coat, or whatever, otherwise you'll end up on occasions feeling like you've got to leave the house when you don't want to! And if she invites you to her house, simply say you can't because your busy with other things, no need to elaborate.

The garden issue may be a little more difficult, the only thing you can do is either ignore her, and pretend you've not heard her (although it sounds that's unlikely to work!), or just give her quick wave and pop back inside telling her you're in the middle of something. If you're outside with hubby, give her wave, immediately turn away, and begin an in depth conversation with hubby. If she continues, go inside for a few minutes.

I think you need to be persistent, and continue to tell her you're busy, and hopefully she'll eventually get the message. If she doesn't, she's obviously very thick skinned, so, in order to save your own sanity, you'll just have to be blunt if it carries on!

Regarding the mild racism issue, like others have said, that would be an absolute deal breaker for me, and I'd have to tell her that what's she's said, I find very offensive, and it's best that she doesn't call again!

I would definitely call her out on being racist about your husband, even if as you say it is 'mild' .To be honest I find this the very worst type of racism as it is insidious & people do think they can get away with it.
As a migraine sufferer of many years I would never fake one ,as they really are sent from the devil himself as my Neurologist agrees.
I do hope things work out for you.

Would one of those camera type door bells help. You would see who was ringing the bell and just not answer if you saw it was your neighbour. You could say you were resting and didn't hear her, in the bath/shower, painting your toenails. Horrible situation to be in. Do feel for you.

Next time she calls tell her you are spraying flea killer on your carpet.

I think the racism would be the deal breaker for me. She does seem lonely and possibly comes from somewhere where people were in and out of each other's houses, however, that is no reason you have to answer your door. Just back off, hopefully she will get the message.

I think I would tell this lady that you work from home every day and don't have the time for socialising. When she waves at you from her upstairs window just give her a quick wave back, look away and carry on doing whatever your doing.
You don't have to answer the door or phone to anyone. You look after you and practice being assertive without feeling guilty. This lady does seem lonely and wants a friend. Are there any coffee mornings anywhere that you could tell her about or clubs like Darby and Joan.( I don't know her age) As she's new to the area I think she's attached herself to you instead of trying to find out what events and get togethers she could go to in your area for some company. Good luck.

Oh Framilode, I feel for you! You could have visited me every morning for coffee

In the early 70's we moved to a new area and at home with two small children, and not knowing anyone, I was very lonely. I made friends with another girl a couple of doors away and used to call round most days. What I hadn't appreciated was that she was a local girl and had her own friends and her own life.

I had obviously overdone things because when I called round one morning and asked if it was convenient I was told quite firmly that it wasn't. I learned my lesson, though I can still remember how shocked and upset \I was.

The point I am making is that she sounds lonely and is overdoing things. I can quite understand how you feel but if you can do it in a kind way so much the better.

No messing about. Go in the garden wait for her to hang out the window and just shout up. Sorry im busy "betty" ill give you a knock when i have a minute. If she does it again just repeat process until she gets the hint

I endures above comments from GrannieAnnie. Doing nothing not an option. Life us to short to give your time to this problem, be assertive in a kind way.

Yorkshire girl is right - just tell her. All this pussyfooting isn't going to work. Pretending to be doing this or that would just delay the outcome.

Put a few words together, and practise saying them until you feel confident. Something like, "Look, I don't mean to sound unkind, so please don't feel bad if I say to you that I just want to be without company for a while. I'll call you when I need you, okay?" Broad smile, and close the door.

I think she's just thick skinned and can't see that she's annoying you.

If you really can’t cope with telling her face to face how you feel about this pestering I would suggest writing her a brief, polite note explaining that it’s not a relationship that can work and that you are deeply offended by her comments about your beloved husband. Just tell her clearly without malice. Get someone to put it through her letterbox and you will be free! All the best x

ps and she criticised everything in my house

Sheilasue When I moved to a new area, someone befriended me, I was glad of her help and advice for a few days as she had moved there a few months previously, but then she turned up on my doorstep every day. Someone else apparently told her she was 'too much' and she was quite bewildered by that and asked my opinion. I gingerly replied 'Well, perhaps going out together once a week would be nice, but I do have other things I need to do'.

Not sure of the orientation of your houses/gardens, but on the problem of her hanging out of her bedroom window, could you plant a tall tree to obscure her view? I did this in a previous house where a neighbours extension overlooked my garden. I chose a Eucalyptus tree. It has a tall thin trunk with evergreen elongated leaves at the top and did the job of covering the window area perfectly.

Tell her to go forth and multiply but in not so many words x

Sounds like Mrs Bucket and her poor long suffering neighbour, hiding in your own home.
Think about what you do want from your neighbour (probably nothing after the racist comments) and think about the best way for you to achieve it.
Is it possible for your husband to speak with her husband if you don't feel up speaking directly ?
If you do decide to speak with her, it might be easier to do it in a neutral place like a local cafe but if it's in her home you can get up and walk out unlike your own home where you might need to take her by the scruff of her neck .
No matter how the conversation starts you could always say 'changing the subject completely' and then say how her comments about your husband are unacceptable and you don't see how you can remain friends with a racist, say you can be neighbourly but not friends.
If you state that it's unacceptable and therefore a deal breaker for you she doesn't have much room for bargaining but if she does, you can just calmly talk over her and say that she didn't leave you with any other option and leave it at that and leave.
If there is no big row or explosion of emotion on your side there is less room for her to change your decision.
Her other behaviour could be for lots of reasons, she may be ill equipped socially, she could be desperately lonely, she could have a real problem with men including her own husband, she could fancy the pants off you, she could just be insensitive and bullying.
It doesn't matter why she is like she is but her racism is unacceptable and that's what I'd focus on.

Good luck and think about how lovely you'll feel to put a stop to her

I have never been stalked by a neighbour, but when I was a young mum had a neighbour who thought it was her right to tell me what I was doing wrong and tried to get involved in my life,
She got short shrift.