Husband does not understand my upset.

Agnieszk - Without reading your last post I thought that you were unhappy with your marriage and were trying to make a point with you husband. I felt you disappeared early, wondering if he would notice and then when he didn't, you got upset?

T.B.H Agniesk....most people would identify with you. I sleep in the same bed as my husband...but I don't think he would notice if I wasn't there when he woke up!

I think your 'cry' is more that you want him to sit up and notice!

Glad you are communicating and feeling better. Much love x

Agnieszka. Glad you have communicated with your husband and are feeling better. If the panic attacks continue, don’t be afraid to discuss it with your g.p. Welcome to Gransnet! ?

A lovely post agnieszka and glad you ve had a little chat with your husband I think you ve both got a bit set in your ways and perhaps need a little surprise in your relationship !
Glad you’ve realised you still love each other
Panic attacks are the pits, instead of disappearing if you ever have another one, maybe walk into the garden if you need air (safer) or breathe into a paper (must be paper) bag if you are hyperventilating and do share your upsets and fears with your guy that’s why you’re married all this long time
I m glad you came back with the update

Hello Eloethan
No, we did not have any disagreements at all.
I probably would have understood his non-reaction if we had, and not written here for further perspectives.
Thank you though, for your input.
Agnieszka x

Had you had a disagreement the previous evening and this affected your husband's opinion as to why you had left the house?

I just want to say thank you, to each and every one of you who replied to my post.
In particular a heartfelt hug to Ginny 42, who took the time to send a beautiful PM.....I wish you were my friend!!!!!
Anyway, just to clear up a few points.
I was not testing him out, as suggested....I am too long in the tooth for that, at 75 years old. I was in a strange place with the sudden panic etc. and did not stop to think in a rational way. My heart rate seemed quite erratic, and all I could think of was to get out and feel free.
I did not expect to remain outside for as long as I did, and fully expected to be back home before my husband rose from bed.
I had no wish to unsettle him, also.
Many thanks of course, for the few remarks about my English!!!!!
I really appreciate that. I have lived in Scotland for twenty five years now...but have retained my forceful Polish accent. Some people like it and some not so much!!!!
I have a feeling that we will be OK. He has been a little sheepish tonight and not much appetite......but when asked if he still loves me there was no hesitation......we just need to work on our communication which has probably become a bit sloppy.
I am so glad to have found this 'Sounding Board'....it is easier here, than to bother friends and family who may worry unduly.
God bless and keep you all safe.
Agnieszka x.

Thoughtful post Bordersgirl .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I do think there is more to this than just ‘he didn’t bother’ It seems to me as if there is two almost separate lives going on in the sane house ....you nap during the day, while he’s at work you do all the chores in the evening (when presumably he is home) you are a ‘night owl’ and he obviously gets up early so probably settles down earlier than you
do you ever see each other? Do you ever do things together?

You went out for three quarters of an hour, panic attacks don t usually last that long so why not ring him or why stay out so long knowing he was leaving at 6.45 Are you sure you weren’t testing him?
Has your marriage got into a rut and you do nothing much together and are not sure if you still love each other, if so you need a long talk or maybe some marriage counselling

This is not meant to be a criticism of you just a way of looking at it though different eyes

Mmmmm.

On a couple of occasions when I was first married I was upset and took myself off - once into the garden shed and once to the spare bedroom. The shed was cold and I was there for ages before I gave up waiting to be looked for, which is why I went into the spare bedroom the second time. Neither time did my husband even realise that I was missing, let alone that I was upset. We've now been married 44 years and I reckon he still wouldn't notice. Not being anti-men, but I think male brains do operate differently. I wouldn't read too much into your DH apparently not being worried about you, but I would explain to him how you felt.

We often end up in separate rooms so we both get a good nights sleep.

We had a lovely meal out at the weekend and I woke up at 1.00am and was violently sick, it went on for at least 20 minutes. My head was pounding and I was feeling really sorry for myself. As Mr. S. was in the land of nod, I woke him up just so he could give me a hug.

All of our relationships are different. If I take the dogs out and he thinks I've been gone a long time, I'll see him walking up the road to look for me.

I do understand you being a little hurt Agniesgka but I'd try not to dwell on it or read too much into it. As others have suggested perhaps a chat about how best to communicate in the future would help.

I know Mr. S. would be furious if I left the house before he was up and didn't leave him a note; I'd be the same. Maybe his quietness was because he was annoyed but didn't want to make the situation worse.

My husband and I too have separate rooms. He gets up at 03:45! We solved the communication at night problem by each of us having an Amazon Echo device by our beds.
Our household runs on notes and text messages.
I think you need to sit down together and work out the communication issues you have, but as someone else said, you could easily have spoken to him, as he was probably getting ready for work.

I think that you ABU Agniesgka!
You were the one to behave in an uncharacteristic way, it was you who left the house at that time in the morning.
If you wanted your husband to know where you were, perhaps you should have told him what you were doing.
I would think that he had more right to be annoyed with you.

This is a sad situation not just because you are not speaking. If this was the first time ever you had left the house before your husband had risen I would think you are right to be put out he didn't seem concerned where you were but equally would it not have been prudent to leave a message or send him a text when you knew he would be up? Had you taken the phone with you? A panic attack is very frightening (my son used to get them) so going forward maybe you should agree to let him know if you're feeling like this.

We have separate rooms and had this conversation last night about how we would let each other know if one of us was taken ill during the night - he suggested a bell (he was joking!) Last week he was away for several days and although we hadn't spoken on the phone had messaged each other several times each day. On Friday unfortunately I had a problem with the wifi and my phone so didn't pick up any messages he'd sent - he'd rung me on both the landline and then my mobile but as I was in the garden all day I didn't get these calls either. By 3pm he'd panicked thinking I'd maybe fallen downstairs or had an accident and packed everything up (he was laying a patio) to come home. Boy was he mad when he got back and found I was fine - I just thought he'd over reacted and was just as cross. I did eventually realise though that he was right and communication is everything.

Have a talk with each other when you've both calmed down.

When my husband worked he preferred to be alone in the morning and would have brought me a cuppa when leaving.( I retired before him).
The husband sounds keen on his own company too. Living semi separate lives is fine if that's what they want, but you do need to be able to rely on each other when needed. This seems to be missing where husband is concerned. I do think they need to talk about this.

I wonder why, if you are awake and lying on your bed at 6.15 in the morning, you do not also rise and wish your husband a good day, or even share breakfast with him?

I would examine the reasons for your panic attack: 'a frightening case of panic and fear'. These feelings don't come out of the blue; something has prompted them and my thoughts are that your husband is not as satisfied with the domestic arrangements as you are, (you seem to spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding his company) and subconsciously you are aware of this.
Think very hard about what you do and say.

I think you're both as bad as each other, you didn't think to leave a note but you expected him to delay leaving for work until you returned. So he'd be late for work he didn't know you'd be back anytime soon and you didn't bother contacting him to let him know you were all right all day either. I think you've slipped into a rut of living semi separate lives and unless you take steps to address this things will only get worse. I would never have known English wasn't your first language either, you write very well.

Welcome Agnieszka

Whilst I do agree with others on here that perhaps you should have left a note, that doesn't alter the fact that your husband didn't try to find out where you were. It could have been that you were dealing with an emergency situation outside the home (family member etc).

When you're feeling better, it would be good to have another chat with him to explain how you felt and why.

At the risk of being sexist,I would say this is a man thing.I panic and worry if the male members in my household are late home but they do not worry about me or each other. In fact they go to bed. Actually I am quite pleased as I would not want them to worry about me like I worry about them.
By the way,your English is excellent Agnieszka.

I feel your reaction is linked to the panic attack and perhaps that is worrying you more than you DH’s (apparent) lack of reaction.
Given that he was due to leave for work at 6.45, surely he was awake and up at 6 when you left the house, so why on earth didn’t you pop your head round the door to tell him?
He may have been wondering whether (to use your own words) you did not care enough to wonder where I(you) you had disappeared to
I wonder if there are unresolved issues- you need to talk, but if possible not in an accusatory or confrontational manner.

You are being a tiny bit unreasonable because it works both ways. You didn't know how he was either.

I left home deliberately after a telling off, when I was a child and changed my mind when I ran into a big ,barky, scary dog on the loose. When I returned nobody had noticed my absence. I was mortified.

We can only change our own behaviour to accommodate others so to expect him to behave in a certain way is wishful thinking.

Next time, alert him when you go out. I hope you have no more panic attacks.
Welcome to Gransnet Agnieszka

Welcome to Gransnet Agnieszka sorry you are feeling unhappy at the moment.
Panic attacks are scary and one doesn't always think straight at the time. I understand you feel hurt at your husband's apparent lack of concern for you. I'm sure this is not the case as people who have been together a long time often don't communicate verbally just make assumptions. Talk to your husband as Nansnet suggested and tell him how you feel. Don't make too much out of this though, its a misunderstanding nothing more.
By the way your English is excellent.

Well, I know for a fact that if my husband found I was missing early in the morning before he left for work, he would certainly try to contact me, and if he failed, he wouldn't go to work until he'd located me. And, likewise, I'd do the same. But I guess everyone's relationships are different. I can totally understand why you think this is strange, and are a little upset about it, but, let's be honest, your husband is a man, and they often think very differently to women, as we all know! He might've had other things on his mind, and simply assumed you were in the bathroom or something, then rushed off to work. You're obviously upset/annoyed about it, so you need to speak to him again, calmly, and tell him why you're upset, that you feel he doesn't care enough about you to check that you're safe. Listen to his explanation, which I'm sure, in all innocence, he didn't mean to upset you, tell him you love him, and don't let it fester away in your head, it's not worth it. Take care.

MY DH and i have sleep in different rooms and i do often say to hime if i am not up when you get up make sure you check i am ok as you dont know what can happen during the night.Neighbours of our had this.Sadly the husband thought she was having a lie in one sunday morning ony to discover at nearly lunch time she had died!!!