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Husband does not understand my upset.

(33 Posts)
Agnieszka Fri 14-Jun-19 00:40:37

Hello to everyone.
I am brand new to the forum so please be gentle.
I am a Polish from time to time my command of your language may fail me, but I hope you will cut me a little slack.
Anyway, this is what happened in my home this morning.
I would be very grateful for any input, from all you kind women of great wisdom!!!!
My husband and I have our own bedrooms due to multiple issues which cannot sadly be resolved.
We both accept this as normal these days....but it does mean that we do not have any contact with each other from 10pm when my Husband goes to bed, until 6.15am when he arises.

I am very much a Night Owl, and prefer to nap during the day and carry out my domestic duties and leisure activities in the evening and early morning.
I am therefore, always to be found lying on top of my bed reading, when my Husband gets up to prepare for work.
He always comes through to kiss me goodbye.
However......this morning very early at 6am I developed a feeling which can only be described as a frightening case of panic and fear. I have no idea why, but the feelings of claustrophobia and need to escape for a walk, enveloped me. The weather outside was atrocious with wind and heavy rain, but I was powerless to resist the urge to leave my home.
Although I do suffer from limited mobility due to Arthritis in both feet and knees, I was relieved to be out in the great wide open!!!!!!
Anyway, I thought I would be back at base before my Husband left for work at 6.45am.
I must have missed him by 1 minute!!!!!!
That is the back story for you all.
Now this is where I need your views, if you would be so kind.
The man I have been married to for forty seven years did not have any reaction to my absence from our home!!!!
This is the one and only occasion that I have vacated under these circumstances, so completely out of character.
He enjoyed his breakfast as usual and took off for work without a backward glance.
No phone call either from his office to enquire if I was safe.
When he returned at 5.15pm he made no mention of my disappearance in the early hours, and when I broached it with him, he insisted that he knew I must have just gone out for a walk and would return safely!!!!!
How on earth could he have known this?
I may have slipped out at 10.30pm after he had gone to bed, and not been missed until 5.15pm.
He refuses to accept that perhaps he should have delayed his departure for work, until I arrived home safely.
He also does not feel he should have phoned to establish the facts either.
He has hardly spoken to me this evening and has retired to bed.

I am upset, as I think that he did not care enough about me to wonder where on earth I had disappeared to, on a particularly miserable morning.

I know that if the roles were reversed, then I would have been very concerned for him!!!!!
Please answer if you can, and let me know what you think, and of course if you think I am being unreasonable.
Thank you so much for your time.
Agnieszka x


rosecarmel Fri 14-Jun-19 04:09:10

Hi- Why didn't you leave the man a note!!! smile

Do you think his seemingly lack of concern is uncharacteristic of him?

Is it possible he is angry that you up and left without writing a note, so is angry with you, too?

Have you been having feelings recently and or thoughts regarding quality of your marriage?

BradfordLass72 Fri 14-Jun-19 04:39:21

he insisted that he knew I must have just gone out for a walk and would return safely!!!!! How on earth could he have known this?

Because you've been married for 47 years of course. smile

My dear, you are over-thinking and worrying yourself for nothing.

6am is hardly the middle of the night and I'm assuming he used his common sense, he possibly even heard you leave the house and thought the first logical, sensible thing, she's going out for a walk Which is exactly what you did.

Why would he think anything else? Why would he assume, when you got up and went out at 6am that you were in danger? Do you live in a high risk area where people are often attacked in the mornings?

You are reading unnecessary drama into a perfectly normal situation and as you too have been married for 47 years, surely you know better than that?

Your panic attack is also normal; many of us have these incidents, as you describe. If it worries you, and especially if the następstwa leaves you blaming your dear husband for something he's not guilty of, then you might like to discuss it with your doctor.

By the way, I think you are very lucky indeed that he still comes to kiss you goodbye on his way to work. grin

BlueBelle Fri 14-Jun-19 05:44:10

Welcome to this forum agnieszka I don’t think you have anything to worry about but as you went out for your walk at 6am and your husband gets up for work at 6,15 why on earth didn’t you tell him I would have thought he was ready to be awake and getting prepared
It seems very strange to me that although you don’t share a bedroom you have so little contact that you wouldn’t tell him you were feeling unwell I would have expected you to go to his room and perhaps ask for his help or comfort
Perhaps he was upset with you for not telling him and ignoring him by not communicating with him and he followed your lead and stayed silent
As you only missed him by one minute perhaps he saw you coming back
Why would you stay out for three quarters of an hour in wind and rain when you have bad arthritis not good for your bones and you must have walked a long way
if you are having a panic attack there are many things you can do inside the home to help yourself or if you need air why not just stand in the garden and take some deep breaths then none of this would have happened
We’re you testing your husband ?

annep1 Fri 14-Jun-19 06:14:50

why didn't you leave him a note
She was having a (possibly first) panic attack and not thinking clearly.
Why would he assume she's just out for a walk?? ^the first logical thought^+ Really, in such bad weather?
I find it sad that someone thinks that she is lucky to be given a goodbye kiss. Surely hugs and kisses are still important after 47 years.
I think it very odd that he didn't even ring to check that his wife was ok. Especially as she has never done this before.
Does he look after you if you are ill Agnieszka?

BlueBelle Fri 14-Jun-19 06:22:40

But it’s more odd after 47 years marriage that she didn’t turn to him for help and comfort annepl
If you were having overwhelming bad feelings or a first time panic attack you wouldn’t stop to get dressed and put your , coat and shoes on and creep out, would you ?

Ginny42 Fri 14-Jun-19 06:32:36

I can understand why you feel upset that your OH didn't seem concerned that you'd done something out of character and at an odd time in bad weather.

Panic attacks are awful. I had no idea how bad they make you feel until I had one. I thought I was dying. The thing to understand that they won't harm you and you can pull out of them by controlling your breathing. Once you learn that the attack can be controlled, they become easier to cope with. When the cause of my anxiety stopped, so did the panic attacks.

I feel sure that once you learn how to control them just getting some fresh air in the garden will suffice and save the walk until later in the day. Not a good idea to go wandering off in stormy weather alone. Will PM you.

annep1 Fri 14-Jun-19 06:47:18

Bluebelle I must admit with my first panic attack I did ask for husbands help, although with subsequent attacks I prefer to cope alone.
However those panicky feeling affect everyone differently.
The couple don't sound very close imo in spite of being together such a long time. Perhaps she didn't ask because she knew he wouldn't react emotionally to her needs.

travelsafar Fri 14-Jun-19 07:49:47

MY DH and i have sleep in different rooms and i do often say to hime if i am not up when you get up make sure you check i am ok as you dont know what can happen during the night.Neighbours of our had this.Sadly the husband thought she was having a lie in one sunday morning ony to discover at nearly lunch time she had died!!!

Nansnet Fri 14-Jun-19 08:30:20

Well, I know for a fact that if my husband found I was missing early in the morning before he left for work, he would certainly try to contact me, and if he failed, he wouldn't go to work until he'd located me. And, likewise, I'd do the same. But I guess everyone's relationships are different. I can totally understand why you think this is strange, and are a little upset about it, but, let's be honest, your husband is a man, and they often think very differently to women, as we all know! He might've had other things on his mind, and simply assumed you were in the bathroom or something, then rushed off to work. You're obviously upset/annoyed about it, so you need to speak to him again, calmly, and tell him why you're upset, that you feel he doesn't care enough about you to check that you're safe. Listen to his explanation, which I'm sure, in all innocence, he didn't mean to upset you, tell him you love him, and don't let it fester away in your head, it's not worth it. Take care.

sodapop Fri 14-Jun-19 08:53:38

Welcome to Gransnet Agnieszka sorry you are feeling unhappy at the moment.
Panic attacks are scary and one doesn't always think straight at the time. I understand you feel hurt at your husband's apparent lack of concern for you. I'm sure this is not the case as people who have been together a long time often don't communicate verbally just make assumptions. Talk to your husband as Nansnet suggested and tell him how you feel. Don't make too much out of this though, its a misunderstanding nothing more.
By the way your English is excellent.

Grammaretto Fri 14-Jun-19 09:39:57

You are being a tiny bit unreasonable because it works both ways. You didn't know how he was either.

I left home deliberately after a telling off, when I was a child and changed my mind when I ran into a big ,barky, scary dog on the loose. When I returned nobody had noticed my absence. I was mortified.

We can only change our own behaviour to accommodate others so to expect him to behave in a certain way is wishful thinking.

Next time, alert him when you go out. I hope you have no more panic attacks.
Welcome to Gransnet Agnieszka

MawBroonsback Fri 14-Jun-19 10:00:55

I feel your reaction is linked to the panic attack and perhaps that is worrying you more than you DH’s (apparent) lack of reaction.
Given that he was due to leave for work at 6.45, surely he was awake and up at 6 when you left the house, so why on earth didn’t you pop your head round the door to tell him?
He may have been wondering whether (to use your own words) you did not care enough to wonder where I(you) you had disappeared to
I wonder if there are unresolved issues- you need to talk, but if possible not in an accusatory or confrontational manner.

Greenfinch Fri 14-Jun-19 10:15:29

At the risk of being sexist,I would say this is a man thing.I panic and worry if the male members in my household are late home but they do not worry about me or each other. In fact they go to bed. Actually I am quite pleased as I would not want them to worry about me like I worry about them.
By the way,your English is excellent Agnieszka.

Squiffy Fri 14-Jun-19 10:25:49

Welcome Agnieszka

Whilst I do agree with others on here that perhaps you should have left a note, that doesn't alter the fact that your husband didn't try to find out where you were. It could have been that you were dealing with an emergency situation outside the home (family member etc).

When you're feeling better, it would be good to have another chat with him to explain how you felt and why.

FlexibleFriend Fri 14-Jun-19 10:28:15

I think you're both as bad as each other, you didn't think to leave a note but you expected him to delay leaving for work until you returned. So he'd be late for work he didn't know you'd be back anytime soon and you didn't bother contacting him to let him know you were all right all day either. I think you've slipped into a rut of living semi separate lives and unless you take steps to address this things will only get worse. I would never have known English wasn't your first language either, you write very well.

eazybee Fri 14-Jun-19 11:19:16

I wonder why, if you are awake and lying on your bed at 6.15 in the morning, you do not also rise and wish your husband a good day, or even share breakfast with him?

I would examine the reasons for your panic attack: 'a frightening case of panic and fear'. These feelings don't come out of the blue; something has prompted them and my thoughts are that your husband is not as satisfied with the domestic arrangements as you are, (you seem to spend an inordinate amount of time avoiding his company) and subconsciously you are aware of this.
Think very hard about what you do and say.

annep1 Fri 14-Jun-19 12:25:21

When my husband worked he preferred to be alone in the morning and would have brought me a cuppa when leaving.( I retired before him).
The husband sounds keen on his own company too. Living semi separate lives is fine if that's what they want, but you do need to be able to rely on each other when needed. This seems to be missing where husband is concerned. I do think they need to talk about this.

Willow500 Fri 14-Jun-19 13:47:39

This is a sad situation not just because you are not speaking. If this was the first time ever you had left the house before your husband had risen I would think you are right to be put out he didn't seem concerned where you were but equally would it not have been prudent to leave a message or send him a text when you knew he would be up? Had you taken the phone with you? A panic attack is very frightening (my son used to get them) so going forward maybe you should agree to let him know if you're feeling like this.

We have separate rooms and had this conversation last night about how we would let each other know if one of us was taken ill during the night - he suggested a bell (he was joking!) grin Last week he was away for several days and although we hadn't spoken on the phone had messaged each other several times each day. On Friday unfortunately I had a problem with the wifi and my phone so didn't pick up any messages he'd sent - he'd rung me on both the landline and then my mobile but as I was in the garden all day I didn't get these calls either. By 3pm he'd panicked thinking I'd maybe fallen downstairs or had an accident and packed everything up (he was laying a patio) to come home. Boy was he mad when he got back and found I was fine - I just thought he'd over reacted and was just as cross. I did eventually realise though that he was right and communication is everything.

Have a talk with each other when you've both calmed down.

Buffybee Fri 14-Jun-19 14:05:22

I think that you ABU Agniesgka!
You were the one to behave in an uncharacteristic way, it was you who left the house at that time in the morning.
If you wanted your husband to know where you were, perhaps you should have told him what you were doing.
I would think that he had more right to be annoyed with you.

MiniMoon Fri 14-Jun-19 14:18:26

My husband and I too have separate rooms. He gets up at 03:45! We solved the communication at night problem by each of us having an Amazon Echo device by our beds.
Our household runs on notes and text messages.
I think you need to sit down together and work out the communication issues you have, but as someone else said, you could easily have spoken to him, as he was probably getting ready for work.

Smileless2012 Fri 14-Jun-19 14:35:07

We often end up in separate rooms so we both get a good nights sleep.

We had a lovely meal out at the weekend and I woke up at 1.00am and was violently sick, it went on for at least 20 minutes. My head was pounding and I was feeling really sorry for myself. As Mr. S. was in the land of nod, I woke him up just so he could give me a hugblush.

All of our relationships are different. If I take the dogs out and he thinks I've been gone a long time, I'll see him walking up the road to look for me.

I do understand you being a little hurt Agniesgka but I'd try not to dwell on it or read too much into it. As others have suggested perhaps a chat about how best to communicate in the future would help.

I know Mr. S. would be furious if I left the house before he was up and didn't leave him a note; I'd be the same. Maybe his quietness was because he was annoyed but didn't want to make the situation worse.

Septimia Fri 14-Jun-19 17:33:46

On a couple of occasions when I was first married I was upset and took myself off - once into the garden shed and once to the spare bedroom. The shed was cold and I was there for ages before I gave up waiting to be looked for, which is why I went into the spare bedroom the second time. Neither time did my husband even realise that I was missing, let alone that I was upset. We've now been married 44 years and I reckon he still wouldn't notice. Not being anti-men, but I think male brains do operate differently. I wouldn't read too much into your DH apparently not being worried about you, but I would explain to him how you felt.

EllanVannin Fri 14-Jun-19 17:42:48


BlueBelle Fri 14-Jun-19 17:51:14

I do think there is more to this than just ‘he didn’t bother’ It seems to me as if there is two almost separate lives going on in the sane house nap during the day, while he’s at work you do all the chores in the evening (when presumably he is home) you are a ‘night owl’ and he obviously gets up early so probably settles down earlier than you
do you ever see each other? Do you ever do things together?

You went out for three quarters of an hour, panic attacks don t usually last that long so why not ring him or why stay out so long knowing he was leaving at 6.45 Are you sure you weren’t testing him?
Has your marriage got into a rut and you do nothing much together and are not sure if you still love each other, if so you need a long talk or maybe some marriage counselling

This is not meant to be a criticism of you just a way of looking at it though different eyes