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Daughters visit.

(21 Posts)
kircubbin2000 Fri 05-Jul-19 14:01:34

The family came home and this is the only time I have any contact with my ex. He came round to see kids and we all went to park and had a meal at my sons house.
Then yesterday she told me Dads coming for coffee in a few minutes. When he arrived he didn't speak to me, went straight into the sitting room and next thing daughter came in with a lovely plate of eggs on toast and coffee for him. None offered to me or her husband.
I said nothing as she can be fiery and I didn't want a row but I felt the whole week was geared round him.

NanaandGrampy Fri 05-Jul-19 14:04:37

You don't post much context for your post Kircubbin so I'm not sure what you need? If her feeding her Dad and not offering you is an issue, fiery or not , you should say. She isn't a mind reader after all.

Norah Fri 05-Jul-19 14:04:40

He came to your home and didn't speak? Rubbish man.

Smileless2012 Fri 05-Jul-19 14:07:39

I'd have taken his eggs on toast and coffee away and told him if you don't speak, you don't eat.

I'd also be extremely relieved that I was no longer married to him.

FarNorth Fri 05-Jul-19 14:08:30

You've mentioned only two occasions, yet you feel the whole week was geared around him. Why was that?

I expect your daughter wants to see both of you and is hoping to ignore any tensions that creates.

FarNorth Fri 05-Jul-19 14:10:43

It's not DD's fault that he didn't speak. You were quite right to avoid a row.

kircubbin2000 Fri 05-Jul-19 15:05:59

I was annoyed more with her for not making everyone eggs.He is an ignorant man so I expected no more from him.If I had said anything to her there would have been a row . They all seem to have enjoyed the holiday but I am glad to have the house back to myself!

Gonegirl Fri 05-Jul-19 15:21:58

Had he had no breakfast? You say he came round for coffee so I assume you and daughter and sil had had breakfast. Perhaps she thinks he is not looking after himself properly.

Why would you want eggs on toast with your coffee?

M0nica Fri 05-Jul-19 15:27:06

I think this is an internal problem based on the causes of the divorce and how all the family feel about it.

It is impossible to make any comment on someone's behaviour in a situation like this because all we are hearing is what one aggrieved member in a complex multi-person situation chooses to tell us.

Callistemon Fri 05-Jul-19 15:28:29

I would be telling him to sit at the table!
And do not eat in my sitting room!
He's the rude one, walking in as if he owns the place and he probably told your DD that he was 'hungry, haven't had time for breakfast'.

Don't get cross with her if she is home for a visit. Just be thankful you're not married to him any more.

Bibbity Fri 05-Jul-19 15:32:23

That so incredibly rude! You are so gracious to even allow him into your home.

I’d honestly consider saying that if they wish to meet it now needs to be done away from you and out of your house!

Callistemon Fri 05-Jul-19 15:35:55

He's still her father even if he is your ill-mannered ex-husband

kircubbin2000 Fri 05-Jul-19 15:38:09

He plays the 'don't know how to cook' card for her. Said he only had cheese on cracker for lunch on the day she arrived. She asked if he wanted lasagne with us and he said no he would do without. So of course she shared our dinner. He always does this. When son looked in his fridge it was empty because he always eats out or at girlfriends house.

Grammaretto Fri 05-Jul-19 15:39:03

I actually think you should feel flattered. She's so comfortable with you that she doesn't feel the need to go to any trouble but he the ex. He's her dad who has to see her being a good little hospitable girl on her best behaviour.
I 'm sorry you feel disappointed in her visit but there was always going to be tension in that delicate situation. You did very well to avoid a row.

eazybee Fri 05-Jul-19 15:49:03

Your ex husband was ungracious, but I expect you knew that already. Don't let it spoil your relationship with your daughter, (but were they your eggs and bread?)

Tedber Sun 07-Jul-19 19:36:02

Seems to me that you just don't like your ex tbh. Leaving aside all this I would just ignore it all! What are a couple of eggs on toast?

Whether you like him or not he is your daughter's father - the one you chose to father her to be exact. You don't have to like him any more but be accepting of the fact your daughter may just want to like him?

Think you are making mountains out of molehills in this case.

BlueBelle Sun 07-Jul-19 19:47:51

I m trying to work out the logistics of this Is he staying with you ? Does daughter live with you? Was she cooking your food or her own? seems s strange set up I can t quite visualise it
If your daughter doesn’t see her dad often perhaps she just wanted to do something for him Spoil him a bit I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound too major if you don’t like him ignore him, as he does you, leave him to your daughter

Bibbity Sun 07-Jul-19 19:51:07

Of course OP doesn’t have to like her Ex! They are divorced!!
But her children are not children and should respect the fact that their mother is allowed boundaries. If they want to see their father then it should never be in the OPs home!

Alexa Sun 07-Jul-19 20:14:21

He seems to be rude, your ex. My ex was a rude man too. Some exes are able to be courteous and even friendly and affectionate. In your own interest please keep you feelings to yourself regarding everything your daughter does visavis her father. You need to protect yourself Kirkubbin.

Tedber Sun 07-Jul-19 20:17:55

Well yes Bibbity...but what boundaries were set? On the info given doesn't sound like any were set only that the OP was annoyed because she wasn't given eggs on toast!

Also does it always follow because people divorce they don't like each other? Not in my experience! Reasonable people try to get along post divorce if there are children. Unreasonable people, hold grudges and hate for ever more!

IF the OP had such strong feelings then why would her daughter invite her father in first place? Maybe we aren't getting the full picture here?

Bibbity Sun 07-Jul-19 20:25:19

You don’t have to get on once the children are adults. Then you can have a clean break. I’m debating the idea that Op should not say anything to appease her daughter. She should absolutely speak up and forbid her Ex from her home. He has no need to be there and she should not put up with it. No need for any arguments or bad feelings.