Should DH drive eight to nine hours in one day

Maddy, perhaps you could say that you would really like to see your father in law for his birthday. Perhaps that might be better than saying you want to se a friend, who may not be important to him. Say you want to stay at his parents if possible, if they have room, or elsewhere if not. If you have not had a holiday recently make the trip interesting with a visit to a stately home or somewhere else he might enjoy. Stay at least 2 or 3 nights and have a real break. Good luck.

I was really rather cross with her, for our sleepless night and all the people that would have helped to find her

I think this sums it up for me. People who tend to do the airy 'don't fuss, I know what I'm doing' thing forget that their actions have consequences for others - it's an incredibly selfish way of thinking, especially when there are perfectly doable alternatives which would be safer and less stressful for their families.

It’s not driving 500 miles in one day that’s the problem it’s driving 250 one way then staying awake to interact with 92 year old parents and then driving the other 250 miles back - suggestions that hubby should be left to do what he wants to massage his ego are reckless - he may be a brilliant driver with a wonderful record of road safety but there are millions of other people on the road and his reactions will not be as swift at the end of his long day as at the beginning - that believe it or not is the reason for tacographs! I share a similar journey with my hubby but we stopped doing this in one day two years ago - both now 70 - because even sharing the driving we experienced aches and pains that affect your posture and driving ability - if you don’t like sitting in the car for 8 hours and he doesn’t want to drag it out why not book a bed and breakfast close to his parents without telling them - that way you could spend longer with them and leave ostensibly to drive home but really flop into bed and get a sensible night’s sleep before a leisurely drive home the following day?

I expect that his parents would appreciate more than this sort of flying visit. Is that an angle you could take? A couple of nights in a B&B or Travelodge would allow for a more relaxed catch up for them all. Also if he had any concerns about them it would allow time for him to speak to GP or carers etc. A time may come when he just plain has to spend longer with them.

I sympathise with you Maddyone but as you have explained further down the thread your husband won't consider flying or going by train.....you can take a horse to water ....etc! I think now maybe time for a different approach. As you have said above you could also visit other family members and old friends if you were both going and staying a couple of night in a hotel, so this should be about both of you. Buy a couple of senior railcards and tell your husband you would love to visit his parents with him again, but being a passenger on a long journey each way is too much, and just for a change you have decided on the train to visit them and also seeing other members of family. You can easily get taxis to parents and other people you would like to see and have a hotel for a couple of nights. After all this is only 3 times a year not on a regular basis. You are not asking him to no longer drive anywhere at all but just take you into account as well. This could be a nice mini break, more family and friends time too.

This does seem like a long way to go for just a day, even by someone who is younger. Why not both of you make it an overnighter. He doesn't have to 'string it out' but it could be quite a little romantic getaway for you both. There are lots of overnight hotel, b n b bargain sto be had so it doesn't have to be expensive.

Although I drive, DH seldom gives up the wheel to me. We're 67, too, and recently he drove from south of the border to nearly as far north in Scotland as you can get in one day, but with several stops. He drove back from the very north in one go, too, but again with several stops. This week we're going south - 4 and half hours - and he'll do all the driving. Often, though, we'll stop off in a budget hotel or B&B to break the trip up. I wouldn't let him do it in one go by himself if I could help it.

Yes, it's not the distance, it's the time that's the issue. I've had to make a lot of journeys from the Aberdeen area to Kent this year due to a family issue. That's about 520 miles. We almost always do it in one day but we share the driving and through experience over many years we've learnt which are the best days and best times of day to travel to avoid the worst of the traffic.

Driving when you're tired can be so dangerous and yes, it's selfish. I've had to sit with a friend whose mother was killed by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel. The driver was my friend's father. He dropped off to sleep while driving and veered off the road into a lay-by, where he rear-ended another vehicle, killing his own wife.

Sounds like he is just fine. He has good genes if his parents are in their 90's. Sometimes we get too worried and project what might or might not happen. It is just a few times a year. try not to fret

It sounds as if he has made up his mind and will not change it no matter what you say. All you can suggest really is that he stops for 30 mins mid journey. I drive down to Devon several times each year, that is a three 1/4 hour trip if no traffic, in summer considerably longer. In the past I used to get up early and drive down and back in one day now I stay overnight at my sisters but sounds like your dh does not want to do this. I would just leave him to it.

Mcrc I disagree with you, I visit my DM about twice a year, 300 miles each way. My DM is 90 & I'm 63, I'm used to driving distances but the first time I did the journey after DH died I stopped half way overnight as I was unsure about doing the journey in one hit on my own even though I had often done all the driving with DH as a passenger.

Since then I have made the journey with quick stops in one go BUT I stay a few days. I couldn't drive there & back without some recovery time & I would share your OP's concerns. I have to drive as I need the car to get around, DM lives in a village with no shops or bus service. I would prefer to go by train but it's not practical now DM doesn't drive (she sold her car a few years ago).

Tiredness kills. OP is right to be concerned.

We do, often. Down to the ability of the driver and their sleep habits.

You are right to be concerned. It is inappropriate for anyone to do all that in one day. His insistence is selfish as it's quite possibly not only him that would be killed if he lost concentration at the wheel.

my parents live 250 miles from me ( takes 6 hours usually .....they live in Norfolk ??) , and are 88 and 86 . I am 59 and cannot understand why you would want to drive to see your parents and back in one day .... unless in an emergency. I drive to see them and stay at least 3 days . Or I get the train . Why put yourself through such stress ...it is dangerous, even if you love driving .

Does he have a twin?? Sounds identical to my DH. Good luck ?

Sorry, but I don't think your husband will compromise in any way and will continue to insist on making these almost pointless journeys to massage his ego.
He won't train or plane, can't travel with you driving, won't stay overnight, won't stay for two nights so you can see family members, and won't accept that in any way he will become a road hazard.
As someone else said, he may well cause an accident and inflict damage, or worse, on other people.
Is he this pig-headed about other things?

It's a bit insulting to his parents that he can't be bothered to stay any length of time with them.

As Ellianne says you have made your point and only he can decide now if he was doing it in a few years more questions could be asked. Personally I think it’s too much for anyone as said above professional drivers aren’t allowed.

Another thought for me is why won’t he stay over if only going to see his parents 3 times a year surely they would like to see him for longer and do you get to see
them ?

Truck drivers wouldn't be allowed to do that! On the other hand, it's not often and he's only 67. My DH is 71 and I wouldn't be too worried about such a journey if it was only occasionally. He'll do what he wants to do.

You could go with him? Say you can't do the double journey in in one day and you'll have to stay over, either at their house or at a Premier Inn or similar. Either he stays with you or you'd have to get the train next day. He won't want that.

I was obliged to give up driving three years ago at 79. Although I am cut off from so many things, I reflect that I would still rather be alive if the roads are full of irrational people driving well beyond the legal hours for professionals. Af 67, doing what these men insist is fine is a kind of vanity. Before giving up I drove all over the UK and Ireland but stopped every two and a half hours and never drove more than 250 miles in a day. This is common sense on the jam packed motorways of today.

Hi my husband fell asleep at the wheel of our car and hit another car head on at 70mph. The three of us in our car were seriously injured and are living with the consequences of this 3 years on. Fortunately the people in the other car suffered minor injuries but it could have been so much worse. It is utterly selfish to drive this distance in a day. No matter how good a driver he is he is putting himself and others at risk. Please ask him to consider how he would feel if he caused an accident and people were seriously injured or killed. It simply isn't worth it. I hope he will reconsider.

Well thank you again for all your responses, I totally agree with those of you who have said he shouldn’t be driving this far in one day, obviously that’s why I worry. I also understand those of you who have said that you or your partners do drive this far in a day. The trouble is, as I said, he simply won’t listen to any of my suggestions or requests with regard to this. He knows I worry, he knows all the arguments because he’s heard them all before from me. His parents are always delighted to see him, and apparently have no concerns about him driving this far in a day. His father still drives and he’s 92. FiL only stopped driving down the country to see us, admittedly coming for a few days, when my husband refused to invite them as he considered them too old to drive that distance. That was about five and a half years ago so his father must have been around 86/87 then, so with that example I suppose he thinks he’s got many more years of driving left to him, which I sincerely hope he has, just not driving up and down the country in one day.
I worry about him, I worry about other people, and I worry about me if he has an accident. I’ve never told his family I worry, maybe I should, but it would have to be his brothers, because his parents simply can’t see any danger in it. They would nod and agree but never then suggest to him it might be dangerous.
For now, I think I’m going to push the idea of us going together this time, and of us staying over. There’s a brand new Premier Inn nearby which is very acceptable, and it doesn’t cost very much to stay there. We do actually go up from time to time anyway to visit family and friends, we were last there in March to celebrate his brother’s Ruby Wedding, it’s just that he still wants to do these day visits as well. He’s very independent (stubborn) and hates being told what to do. I think that as much as anything is what makes him resistant to my suggestions. He thinks his family is his affair and I shouldn’t say anything about it. He has in the past even accused me of wanting to stop him visiting his family which is totally untrue, particularly as he does so very much to help my own mother.
Thanks again ladies and gents, at least I know I’m not being unreasonable.

cpwle, I’m so sorry to hear about your accident. It is exactly because of the possibility of something like this happening that I worry.

Listen to what the former HGV driver has said. If it is dangerous for a professional driver to be driving over such a long period without sleep it's dangerous for your DH. It's not the distance particularly, it wouldn't be a problem if he did it in a shorter period although you should take a break every couple of hours which it doesn't sound like he's doing, maybe he is, we don't know. You get signs on the motorway saying how tiredness kills. If he sets off at 5,30 he's going to have been up for a while getting his breakfast and getting dressed so he's going to have been awake longer.
The Great Heck train crash was caused by a driver who had been up all night, who seems to have wholly lost concentration if he didn't fall asleep. He was imprisoned for causing death by dangerous driving. OK, he drove onto a railway, and most of the deaths were caused by the subsequent train crash caused by his landrover being on the line, but it could have been other cars, if the motorway is busy it could cause a multicar pile up. If off the motorway he could career into a pedestrian.
Someone who falls asleep or just loses concentration for a minute due to tiredness could wipe any of us out if we were in the wrong place
If I were you I'd not want to go in the car with him TBH. For the birthday why not get a railcard and go on the train, look up how to split tickets, so you can find the cheapest way to do it. Stay and visit your old friend and have a bit of a relaxing break.
If he doesn't want to be with his parents for more than the day, he doesn't have to go home that night, he could leave same time, and do the first bit of the journey and come off at the cheapest Travelodge, and have an early night, and set the alarm and get a good night's sleep and set off early in the morning and be back home by time to go to work or do whatever he is fretting about. Same outcome, but much safer. And better for his health, it can't be good for anyone to do that at any age, but much worse as he gets older.