I don't want to do it anymore

It is a shame that you are having this miserable time at the moment. Are you able to differentiate between whether you just do not want any sexual contact with anyone, or if it is specific to your husband? Perhaps you could differentiate between touch and sexual touch. Have you ever had a massage, by a reputable masseur i hasten to ad. It is a wonderful relaxing, sensuous feeling and very relaxing. Perhaps you could organise two or three massages. The first one will be strange to you and so I would suggest at least 2 to try out and see how they make you feel. Personally if I had the money I would have one twice a week at least. In a safe place you can really relax and just enjoy the sensations and feel your own body relaxing, with no edginess or concern about another person. Do you ever go swimming? Another way to both exercise, but in a very freeing comfortable way, and after the swim, you feel more relaxed and can enjoy the warm shower and the sense of your own wellbeing. You might try these things as a way to connect more with your own feelings and see if they are quite separate to your relationship with your husband or that this is the major probem.

If you tried something like this out, and you found it is a personal feeling and not related to your husband at all then you may not feel so defensive about it. You could think about things and then when you are ready, talk to your husband and you can then explain that although you wish things were different that you either have no wish to have any sexual contact, are not aroused by sex any more, or that you might suggest that you both go to a class to learn about massage and how to do them for each other. When they do these classes they usually say that these occasions should not move on into a sexual contact at that time. If you feel sure that you will not be asked to do anything you dont want to , then you can enjoy the physical contact without holding back Your husband should see that you are prepared to try ways and means of coming to a better position, and that it is not a rejection of him himself. You may find things improve for you both and you can get pleasure with each other. Alternitvely you may be confirmed in your view that sexual contact is not for you.

Then you have to have a break to get used to this idea, and when you are both ready talk about what this means. that you both have different needs now and what you are prepared to do to resolve this. So you may agree to have separate bedrooms, agree to do your own thing, but live together in probably a better way as you no longer look to each other to deal with this aspect. Consider whether you would find it acceptable that perhaps he met someone else and formed a sexual relationship with them, whilst never bringing them to your house etc, but there is no lying involved in this. You may find a way you can still have some contact without the frustration affecting your relationship. Or you may come to the conclusion that you would be better separating, to allow you both to pursue your own individual choice and pleasure in life, but without needing to have a major row or split up in bad terms. I just suggest these so that you might consider them all and decide which would be a possibility and which would be impossible for you. whatever you end up doing you will have had a real look at the situation and worked out what seems to be possible for you both. Better than continuing at this stale mate.
Personally I might add that I miss my husband every day and am very sad to be living alone with no physical contact. For me that physical contact, not just sex, but hugs and holding hands etc etc where all ways we showed we loved each other, and I know I am a sensual person and find it difficult in this country as the british tend not to be very physically demonstrative and now with unfortunately the few people who touch inappropriately, making in particular men afraid to touch in a simple welcoming way , we lose that contact. When I lived abroad there was much more natural simple touching with no illfeeling behind it. I find it a very great loss and am glad that it is acceptable to play and touch children in a proper way as that is really the only physical contact I get these days. I do hope that the massage or whatever else helps you to enjoy touch and good sensations, but if that is not for you then I think facing it and finding what does make you happy and relaxed is important. Good Luck with whatever you do and it would be lovely to hear from you that something had improved for you

Although this is an older thread it is an eternal issue that affects many of us male and female.
After the loss of my wife I decided to try to find another partner, I tried online dating for a while then asked a recently divorced lady I had known socially for many years. Because we knew each others background there was no trust issues and the relationship developed quickly.

I knew her husband and they seemed like a normal couple but you never know what is going on inside a marriage do you. So after a week or two I asked her what went wrong, “ I hadn’t had a cuddle for 10yrs”, she thought that was normal, her sex life was over at 50. It wasn’t no sex that ended the marriage it was no intimacy, no affection and no communication. So I make sure there are lots of cuddles and intimacy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her libido and after 7 yrs married now, we are still in the honeymoon period.

The key is communication couples must talk and if they are going to stay together intimacy is a must must

Reported!

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Since the menopause many moons ago I find sex a chore most of the time but due to various health problems my DH isn’t really up for it as often anyway. Not sure how I’d manage if he still wanted sex regularly.
A robust conversation would be necessary and a compromise sought.

You’re entirely within your rights to decide you don’t want to have sex, possibly not ever again. You cannot demand that your partner stops too, that has to be their decision. Have you considered your view on the possibility that your partner will choose to have sex with someone else? It’s how so very many affairs begin, and even with the best intentions of keeping it distant and purely physical, whilst maintaining the sexless marriage, too often it all goes pear-shaped when emotions take over. Are you prepared for that? Is your partner?

AuntieE

I have had times in my married life when I did not want sex with my husband. For me, it wasn't at any particular age, but when I was mourning my parents and later my sister.

We got through the rough patches because DH and I could discuss the matter frankly without my making him feel he was a rapist, and without him making me feel I was frigid.

It sounds to me, as if you cannot discuss this frankly with your husband or find a way of making him understand that you need to be free to say no for a while.

How you solve the problem in the long term, I cannot tell you, I doubt anyone can.

I agree with those who say that your husband has no right to force himself upon you, but equally I do not think a wife has the right to deny her husband intimacy for ever.

So you need to decide, what is important? Staying together at all costs, even if it means you "allowing" your husband to find some other woman who will have sex with him? Or would divorce be the only solution? Can the pair of you find other ways of demonstrating that you love each other, if you still do?
Your husband forcing you to have sex, or you forcing him to abstain for the thirty or more years you both reasonably can hope to live is just not on, is it?

And before the rampant Women's Libbers start shouting that no man has the right to force anyone to have sex: I agree BUT both men and women marry on the understanding that sex is part of marriage. If by mutual consent it is not, or is not any longer then there is no problem, but as long as one party wants it, and the other does not, there is a gigantic elephant in the bedroom.

Surely intimacy is about so much more than just sex?

Affection can be intimate between couples.

I genuinely believe if either part of a couple don’t want sex, but still love each other and are still affectionate and friends, the whole sex thing needn’t be an issue.

Marriage isn't just about sex though is it? Or maybe it is and I got it wrong all these years...

I have had times in my married life when I did not want sex with my husband. For me, it wasn't at any particular age, but when I was mourning my parents and later my sister.

We got through the rough patches because DH and I could discuss the matter frankly without my making him feel he was a rapist, and without him making me feel I was frigid.

It sounds to me, as if you cannot discuss this frankly with your husband or find a way of making him understand that you need to be free to say no for a while.

How you solve the problem in the long term, I cannot tell you, I doubt anyone can.

I agree with those who say that your husband has no right to force himself upon you, but equally I do not think a wife has the right to deny her husband intimacy for ever.

So you need to decide, what is important? Staying together at all costs, even if it means you "allowing" your husband to find some other woman who will have sex with him? Or would divorce be the only solution? Can the pair of you find other ways of demonstrating that you love each other, if you still do?
Your husband forcing you to have sex, or you forcing him to abstain for the thirty or more years you both reasonably can hope to live is just not on, is it?

And before the rampant Women's Libbers start shouting that no man has the right to force anyone to have sex: I agree BUT both men and women marry on the understanding that sex is part of marriage. If by mutual consent it is not, or is not any longer then there is no problem, but as long as one party wants it, and the other does not, there is a gigantic elephant in the bedroom.

Yes an old thread but I am going to say it marks all the relationships I've ever had.

I love good sex, but men have sex regardless...

In my last relationship I went off sex too, mainly because my partner wasn't bothered about opening up to me. He did sex by numbers and I got bored with it. He probably thought he was great at it. I needed more interaction, just not that physical thing.

I told him I'd lost interest but he didn't give me time to explain. He then went to sleep in another room and weeks later told me he wanted to leave me. He found someone else very quickly and no doubt did the same to her.

Another partner came to see me months after we split up. It was all very friendly and amicable but as he was leaving said, 'Can we just go upstairs?' It was then clear he had only wanted me for the sex.

My marriage of 20 years ended when my DH offered me a 'f...k or a fist?' I said neither and hot footed it to a solicitor.

I envy couples who have great sex and stay together, but it wasn't for me.

Now I'm happy without any of that nonsense in my life.

An old thread but there's nothing new...

I am going to add my 2p's worth. I'm now in my mid 60's. I used to love sex and in the past, in my youth had many partners and used to have fun. Now I can't be bothered with it. I have no urges, don't really think about it, and although it happens once a week, I'm glad when it is over as I think that part of my body has lost all feeling. I must admit I occasionally feel a little flutter but it doesn't last long. I have tried the hormonal pessaries but they made no difference to how I felt. I am quite fortunate in that my OH does not expect more, although I'm sure he would given the chance. but I do understand what Tigertooth is saying. I think maybe she hasn't expressed herself too well. These things happen and if you don't fancy it then it cannot be helped. Men are so different to women and I think that maybe TT should have a word and explain how she is feeling. My OH, once I explained that Menopause and a vaginal bulge was my problem he did have a think about it. Saying that many men hear the words but do not really want to hear it.

I think it's natural - menopause related

re the above , lose the "voluntary". It then makes better sense. From your husband's perspective it would not be voluntary at all.

Everyone would have the most enormous sympathy for you and I agree with all the suggestions re HRT or other medical treatment if menopause is the issue. Possibly are you depressed because of your stage of life? Counselling is a good suggestion . Overwhelmingly I agree with everyone who has suggested that you and your husband need to talk about this if you can.
Only you two know what you will both agree to and maintain your marriage.
One thing I feel however I must say is that sex can be a tremendous need for some people/ some men and if after all the above and without mutual agreement to another solution you make, at the age of 53 , a voluntary unilateral declaration of celibacy on your husband's behalf, then this may become a marriage problem if it isn't one now.
Best Of Luck.

''I suppose I have to do it really''

NO, you DON'T ''have to do it really'', it's YOUR body, not his.

Don't feel pressured into doing anything intimate just to please HIM.

If he's chucking childish moodie's then that's his problem, not yours!

LucyAnna5

THIS THREAD IS OVER FIVE YEARS OLD

Oooops Never mind, maybe it’s helped some of to recognise we are not alone!

driverann

Tigertooth. I think you need to see a doctor and councillor as to why you do not want sex at a comparatively Young age. Sex is not just a man’s pleasure as you seem to imply it is a normal biological need of humans and all others creatures on earth.
I am much older than you but still have a regular happy sex life of 2 / 3 times per week. I feel sorry for your husband who is being treated by you as if he is a pervert when you use the words “pawed over”. your husband has help to create your family and is now being discarded. What an insult your husband must feel very rejected.

It’s not an insult, being pawed over is genuinely how some of us feel when we simply don’t want sex, it feels like being pawed or groped.

THIS THREAD IS OVER FIVE YEARS OLD

Good god Tigertooth This could have been written by me! My DH is exactly the same as yours and I’m with you.

I’m 66, and just not interested at all, I have many painful conditions and it not very comfortable.

We had a good healthy sex luge when we met 30 years ago, but now, whilst I’m happy to have a kiss and a cuddle, and every night I snuggle up to him and try to be as affectionate and loving as I can, but he has issues (it seems) distinguishing between genuine affection, love and sex!

NonGrannyMoll Thread dated 2019

Craftycat

Swap you!! My DH lost interest ages ago but I still miss it like mad!!
You can't win!

I can identify with that! Two strokes on two consecutive days totally wiped out my DH's libido overnight. Twenty years later, it hasn't improved and I don't suppose it will. It's rotten going without sex, for all sorts of reasons, but we do talk about it (when he can bear to) and we understand each other's plight. I'm sympathetic to Tigertooth's situation and her husband's (feeling rejected can't be much fun). The only way forward is to talk to one another without starting a fight. The way a person feels is the way a person feels, but it should be possible to understand one another and find a way forward. Good luck, anyway.

Marydoll

How do people find these old threads?

Marydoll
The odd thing is: it’s often a poster who has never posted before and probably never will again. Know what I mean 😉

How do people find these old threads?

Maybe OP has totally stopped doing very much?

*Old old thread.