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I don't want to do it anymore

(75 Posts)
Tigertooth Mon 22-Jul-19 21:47:48

That's it really, married for 20 years, 4 kids, I'm 53 and I just don't want sex anymore. I don't want my body pawed over.
Not a marriage problem, I don't want it with anyone, just not interested. DH gets all moody if we don't have sex at least once a week and I really do grit my teeth and bear it.
Im sick of acting - he knows I don't want it - I suppose I have to do it really - so long as he wants to.
Am I the only 50+ that feels like this?

ginny Mon 22-Jul-19 22:05:44

I don’t suppose you are.

EllanVannin Mon 22-Jul-19 22:09:40

Tell your husband, not us !

Luckygirl Mon 22-Jul-19 22:31:38

You "suppose you have to do it really?!" He is having sex with you against your wishes - there is a word for that. Stop gritting your teeth and talk to this man very clearly about your feelings.

Sex is supposed to be a mutual expression of affection and a shared pleasure. What is happening in your marriage is so far removed from that as to be almost criminal.

Of course he is entitled to express his wish to have sex with you; and it is a normal feeling on his part. But he is not entitled to impose this on you.

Sexual incompatibility is a big problem for many couples - it is not surprising that people's needs and wishes change throughout their lives, and that this does not always tally with their partner's. But the solution is to look for compromises, not to force yourself on an unwilling partner. There is something disturbing about him taking pleasure in this.

Stop gritting your teeth and start talking. If he is not willing to talk, then start walking.

mumofmadboys Mon 22-Jul-19 23:05:42

Maybe your lack of libido is linked to the menopause. Have you considered HRT? I agree with the ones who have said you need to talk with your DH about it.

BradfordLass72 Tue 23-Jul-19 06:29:23

What a sad problem.

I am wondering if you refer to intimacy as being 'pawed over' because in the last 20 years, your husband has not given you the care and attention in bed to make sure you got as much pleasure from sex as he does.

Remember The Hite Report many years ago? A huge proportion of married women spent their lives pretending they enjoyed sex because they felt they had to, or it was their duty, or that their husbands would leave them if they did not 'submit'.

Men usually connect a woman's willingness to have sex, with their own sexual attractiveness.
He probably sees your rejection of sex as rejection of him in some way.

Some women have genuinely low libidos and whatever attentions they receive, sex is still a chore because they simply cannot get aroused, or it takes longer than the man is prepared to spend.
And many men are just selfish and don't care, once they have been satisfied.

Whatever the reason, and in spite of the 'moods' (what about your feelings?) you cannot spend the rest of your married life resenting your husband and possibly feeling obliged to go along with his urges, can you?

Would you be bothered if he found sex elsewhere? Would he be happy with that - or does he just want you?
Only you know the answers to such sensitive questions.

But as others have said, you are under no obligation to have sex when you don't want to and you simply must make this clear to your husband, moods or not.

Mumofmadboys asks a valid question, and if your reluctance is recent, that could be the cause.

I have a feeling, from what you say, that sex has never been particularly enjoyable.
If this is so - 20 years is a long time to put up with such an intimate and (to you) distasteful task. Now you deserve to be heard and respected.

If you had a medical problem which precluded sex - he would have to accept it, wouldn't he?

RosieLeah Tue 23-Jul-19 06:36:06

In the modern climate of sex-obsession, how refreshing to come across someone who isn't interested. Not everyone is sex-mad. It used to be considered part of a wife's duty to lay on her back for her husband. Those days are gone.

RosieLeah Tue 23-Jul-19 06:38:24

Other people will make you feel there is something wrong with you if you're not interested in sex. There isn't. We are all different. Many people can't live without sex, others are perfectly ok without it, thank-you very much.

sodapop Tue 23-Jul-19 09:16:03

I'm sorry you are unhappy Tigertooth it sounds like love and sex are not the same thing in your relationship. Talk to your husband, get your own health checked as momb suggests. There should be equality in your relationship, your husband should respect your wishes as you do his.
RosieLeah I don't think a healthy sex life in a loving relationship should be classed as
'sex mad'

Craftycat Tue 23-Jul-19 10:10:22

Swap you!! My DH lost interest ages ago but I still miss it like mad!!
You can't win!

justrolljanet Tue 23-Jul-19 10:16:57

I am nearly 65, I cannot remember the last time, I felt just like you in the end, had some menopause problems, can't take HRT, husband had some medical issues, that was it, we are both happy, have lots of interests, there is much more to life than sex thank god :-)

cookiemonster66 Tue 23-Jul-19 10:19:11

I'm with you Craftycat, I married a toy boy hoping he would have a higher sex drive, but realise he is actually not interested at all. I am climbing the walls with frustration, snappy, grumpy and wound up like a spring, yet morally challenged about getting it elsewhere. Have had opportunity but refused (and think about that every day). It's a tough one when couples are not sexually compatible. I know sex isn't everything but boy, does it affect the whole relationship!

GoldenAge Tue 23-Jul-19 10:27:05

This is an important issue that needs you and hubby to talk about your current incompatibility. As a first step I would visit your GP and ask for a hormone test, not any replacement, just an assessment of your hormone levels because the menopause may be the reason why you want to keep your body to yourself. As a next step I would openly discuss with your hubby what it might take for you to enjoy rather than put up with sex and be honest - tell him that he has to make an effort - after all he can satisfy his sex drive in ways other than by imposing upon you. And thirdly, I would seriously ask yourself what damage you might be doing to your self-esteem by going along with this when you don't want to. Are you really consenting? Are you afraid that his grumpiness will turn into something else if you make yourself unavailable?

jaylucy Tue 23-Jul-19 10:27:59

I think that to enjoy sex or even want it in the first place, you have to feel sexy .
It is horrible having to perform on a weekly basis (you are lucky it's only once a week !) and in performing it makes it worse.
I don't know if you have gone through menopause or are about to go through it, but it might be an idea to see your GP and see if that could be a cause. Worked for me!

Gingergirl Tue 23-Jul-19 10:40:39

I don’t agree that there is something ‘wrong’ with you. If you think of sex as a means to reproduce, perhaps it doesn’t make sense now. This would mean that you might not want to keep having that sort of relationship. The problem as far as I can see, is that you are obliging your husband each week.

cheneslieges132 Tue 23-Jul-19 10:40:47

I feel that I must be on the side of Tigertooth - although I am very much older than she is, but I simply do not want sex at all, ever again. In my younger days, I was (apparently!) very beautiful and desirable, and was chased all over the place by virtually every man I came into contact with. I had many, many MANY sexual conquests, and thoroughly enjoyed myself, even keeping a "tally" until I was 40!! I still progressed with fairly frequent sex until I became 70+ and now I realise that life is FAR better without it! Don't worry Tigertooth - there is nothing odd about not wanting sex again - just tell your husband that he is being selfish, expecting you to "perform" for him. We are all different - that is what makes life so interesting!!

Rowantree Tue 23-Jul-19 10:43:39

Ellanvanin that wasn't a very kind or compassionate comment. Gransnet is partly here to offload feelings and experiences without judgement. If I'd plucked up courage to share something that was worrying me, your attitude would have upset me a lot.

That said....I wonder whether the OP has considered couples counselling/Relate to work on the situation. We all have different needs and sometimes/often they don't match for whatever reason. It's worth exploring why and whether it's a problem you both can work on.

In the meantime, intimacy can be shared in other ways: a gentle hug, a squeeze of the shoulder, a smile ...everyday gestures of affection which can get missed or ignored in what my mother used to call the 'hugger-mugger' of everyday life.

Keep posting, Tigertooth. Let us know what you think.

justrolljanet Tue 23-Jul-19 10:45:05

When I went to my GP and said I no longer felt the need to have sex and was there anything I could take for it she replied " It is your body, your choice, you should not feel guilty about it "

CarlyD7 Tue 23-Jul-19 10:45:28

"he knows I don't want it" but insists anyway? "he gets all moody if we don't have sex at least once a week" !! When are you going to stop allowing him to treat you like a blow up sex doll? You don't HAVE to at all. Haven't you heard - men can be charged with raping their wives; they have NO entitlement to it. It sounds like he doesn't give a damn about your feelings (and what kind of selfish jerk is that?) Would agree with the others - get your hormone levels checked out if this is a fairly recent issue. BUT if you've never really enjoyed sex with him, then it is time to take a long, cool long at your relationship. Go to RELATE if he's open to it (or even on your own) but don't put up with this for another day. You're only 53. You could still be together at 83. Do you honestly think you could grit your teeth for the next 30 years ??

lemongrove Tue 23-Jul-19 10:47:30

Excellent post BradfordLass
Tigertooth think carefully about your options.

Nansypansy Tue 23-Jul-19 10:49:03

I was in an unhappy marriage for a long time. Sex was not enjoyable and infrequent. When we split up I didn’t miss it at all. 5 years later I met someone much younger than me (I was 74) and oh boy did he turn me on after what must have been at least 10 years abstinence! Unfortunately the affair has now run its course, as I knew it would, so once again I’ll have to get used to being without as I have no intention of getting involved with anyone else. But such lovely memories!

Ngaio1 Tue 23-Jul-19 10:52:30

My heart goes out to you. My husband "helped himself" on many occasions which, I now know, is marital rape. I don't know the answer to getting him to realise but laying there quietly doesn't work. I know!!

Gma29 Tue 23-Jul-19 10:58:33

No, you aren’t alone in feeling this. Although I’m a bit older than you now, I was in a very similar situation, and I can really sympathise with the resentment at being “pawed about”. It was often easier just to get it over with, rather than have to deal with the bad moods and short temper a refusal engendered.

I soon found I avoided any intimacy at all, (which wasn’t what I wanted), to try and head off any further expectations on his part. I did become increasingly angry at his persistence. I tried explaining how I felt, and he said he understood - but it made no change to his behaviour, and at times I felt unpleasantly pursued.

I think it well worth trying your GP, to see if HRT would help, especially if this is a recent change in how you feel. You also need to try and get your husband to understand how you feel, but I do know that this is likely to be an uphill struggle.

moggie57 Tue 23-Jul-19 11:05:51

go see doctor for HRT you still going through menopause. go do yoga .loosen up...and talk to your husband ...

kircubbin2000 Tue 23-Jul-19 11:07:57

When I split up from ex I went on several dating sites and was amazed at the number of married men who contacted me for this very reason!