Friens booked surprise concert. Don't want to go.

Thanks Davida1968 yes. Feel much better.

Congratulations, annepl, on biting the bullet, declining politely, and getting this sorted out. This must be a real relief for you and (hopefully) it should mean that you can enjoy the special occasion without feeling stressed. Have fun!

Just looked back. It was a little shove, not a nudge.
Tillybelle I get what you're saying about going into residential care. It doesn't bear thinking about. Maybe that's why my MiL kept hiding her hearing aid!
Your problem with noise sounds even worse than mine. How awful for you. I do sympathise.

I would love it if someone brought tickets for me to go to a concert, even if it wasn't exactly my cup of tea. The company of others will make the evening more enjoyable. I say go and make the most of it. Life is too short.

Good morning everyone.
Well I told my friend and she said not to worry, she knew it was a lot to ask. And she would be happy if I could be there for a part of their special day.
I know some of you must think I made a mountain out of this and I feel such a coward. I am!
So thank you for taking the time to help and giving me a "nudge" as one person said ?. If I hadn't asked I would still be worrying. It didn't occur to me to just do it now Springychicken . I'm maybe not thinking clearly atm.
I will never let this happen again!
Lesson learnt. Be brave. Tell the truth. Don't procrastinate. Don't sit worrying- ask Gransnetters.

Why are people so afraid of speaking the truth, especially to friends. If all of you, or the ones who hated the concert last year, had told her that it wasn't their thing then she probably wouldn't have booked it again, If she still went ahead, you could have refused to go as she had been warned.

Or you can just attend the first 5 minutes then troop out to the bar with the others who aren't enjoying it and maybe then she'll get the hint. Personally, I love all live music except for heavy opera or weird jazz stuff.

Either do both parts or neither. You could plead a clash of dates and take her out for a meal another time.........?

Still reading through all the new comments. Oh dear people are thinking all sorts and its impossible to answer everyone. Sorry, I have everyone wondering what strange illness I have! I have CFS but I don't like to mention it as many people are sceptical about it. But its really not easy to live with. Noise sensitivity is part of it for me and my energy level is low with a lot of time recovering from activity and also a lot of pain from fibromyalgia. I know some think I'm a spoilsport but I can assure you when I feel able I go to concerts, theatre, orchestra. Not overly noisy ones though. My husband plays in a local amateur group. We are still young at heart!
I have rung and friend is not at home. Have left message that I will ring later. ?
They are very nice people. My husband will still go to the concert.

It’s your best friend’s ‘special anniversary’ and she’s arranged a meal, a concert and a hotel for a group of 10 friends. How lovely!
You told her you liked the previous concert, so she has no reason to think you won’t enjoy this. She probably thinks that warning you about taking ear plugs will solve the difficulties you encounter, as you have not told her otherwise.
It’s a shame you haven’t told her your true feelings, however what’s done is done!
She may well be hurt if you decline to go and others may also follow suit, preferring to stay in the hotel with you, leaving her with a very half hearted special celebration!
I would go this time but make it clear as someone else suggested, that you really are not enjoying these concerts as much as you used to and ask her to please not buy any more concert tickets for you in future with out checking with you first.
You can buy silicone earplugs that mould to the shape of your outer ear which really do block out the majority of the noise including building work and drilling etc and are even water tight, so I’m wondering if you just don’t enjoy it, rather than it being solely a problem with your ears and loud noise? I’m wondering if your husband is also putting pressure on you, not to go?
I’m all for honesty, however I would pick your time and a special celebration may not be the best time. I speak from experience as we fell out with one of my closest friends of nearly 30 years over a special occasion and we haven’t been able to rekindle our relationship since!
Good luck, whatever you choose. Please let us know how it goes?

I would go to the nice meal but not the show, I have tinnitus so always avoid anything to noisy, so know how you feel I would explain to your friend saying how grateful you are for her kindness but that the loudest would upset your ears for weeks I’m sure she would understand.

I cant help wondering if she confided in you about the concert to give you the opportunity to refuse.
Why tell you and keep it a surprise from everone else ?
She could have bought earplugs to give you herself.
I would tell her in advance and then just go to the meal. She might well have felt the need to invite you in case you felt left out and be relieved youve said no.

Agree with most other posters here; tell her the truth that it hurts your ears and that your husband doesn't really like this sort of music, so the meal would be lovely but you'll have to skip the concert. Friendships come with all sorts of dynamics and I query why certain posters puff out their chests and posture about how this doesn't sound like much of a friendship, they would never have to lie to their best friend etc etc... do you have to make the OP feel worse rather than encouraging her to be brave enough to go against the traditional lines of her friendship. Yes, marvellous if you're such a strong person who never gets bullied into doing anything, but she maybe doesn't need to hear the loud sound of your self congratulatory trumpet too! Good luck, I hope the meal is nice!

The sooner you tell her, the better you'll feel. As others have said, say to your friend that you'd love to come to the meal but will pass on the concert. I myself wouldn't lie or make excuses not to go ie, develop a bad headache and go home. I would be on edge and wouldn't enjoy the meal knowing at the end I'd have to put on an act. Remember, liars have to have a good memory. If she's a good friend she should accept your decision. You accepted hers on your invitation.

As your friend said ‘bring ear plugs’, do just that and accept graciously. I think you are very fortunate o have such good friends.

Stansgran. I know exactly what you went through! I too dislike Musicals. I too need to pay a lot for the train fare. I find it so difficult coping with those people who say "I know just what you need". They usually choose the direct opposite of what I would like - something I detest in fact!

Actually, although it seems a leap from this thread, it is why I refuse ever to go into residential care (unless I have severe dementia). The many care homes I visited before I became too disabled, as part of something I used to do, were filled with lovely workers who all "knew exactly how to cheer up the Residents" and arranged things for them to do "to take them out of themselves". Having others decide what I must do because, in their opinion, it is "good for me" is my definition of hell. I am not surprised that elderly people go missing from their care homes. They probably are trying to run away. So when annep1's friend insists that her taste is what everyone will enjoy, even if it's a bit of a shock, I get intimations of the sort of person who likes to run other people's lives and who knows absolutely nothing about other people - indeed does not respect that they are different and insists that her likes are the answer for entertaining everybody.

You invited your friend to the theatre and she said thanks, but they would pass on that. There's your answer- say thank you, we would love to share your meal with you, but will have to pass on the concert. If she asks why tell her you have a hearing/ear problem so definitely can't manage the concert. Ignore the advice to not turn up, or suddenly develop a last minute illness, she's your dear, kind friend and deserves better than that.

annep1
I do so deeply sympathise! I fear that my tendency to be a hermit and my dislike of noisy places and crowds has led my friends to despair about me and ultimately give up with me. I am simply not one of the crowd. I am not proud of this. I wish I could muck in and be part of the shared joy that you see when they show Glastonbury or suchlike on TV. I could not even cope with Wimbledon now.

Enough of me. I think I would cough up and "come out" and explain to your friend. Otherwise this will go on for a long time. If you can afford to, maybe you could take her out for something you both enjoy, as a little compensation. Explain that you would love to be able to come but it is just not a simple matter of not enjoying it, it goes further. With me it would mean a migraine (I actually am trying to get rid of one now) that would last several days. Tell her it's more than just personal preference and more of a health issue, it actually makes you feel ill and you can't manage it. Say you truly appreciate being included with everyone and will be thinking of them and to make up for missing being with her on that occasion you would like to take her out say, to tea at a special place...

I do hope you manage this and she understands. I know it's no good just saying "It's too loud for me" because people do not realise what it actually does to you. I had to leave a "Queen" tribute with rock and orchestra because I could not cope with the noise. It made me dizzy and nauseous and I could hardly walk. I had a terrible migraine for many days afterwards. You may need to explain it in terms of the sensory load being not just a matter of decibels but something you have a medical intolerance to.

Lots of luck and love and I do hope she understands. ?

I’d tell her you don’t feel well enough to attend but thanks for the invite and then she can offer to someone else- a friend will understand x

I do think it's strange that people organise such events without asking their guests first. I'm reminded of a young female friend whose FIL decided he would take his family to Florida for a holiday. He was paying for the villa and the flights. But, he wasn't really thinking about his family. My young friend has a baby and a small cild, as do her SILs and BILs. A long flight is involved, it will be hot and there is a swimming pool which is not fenced. Not really the sort of holiday for very young children.

Why do people think they know best what the rest of their family/friends might like?

I'm aged 72 and still go to concerts, mainly jazz these days since the venues are smaller. I wouldn't dream of buying tickets for people without asking first.

I understand your situation very well but having read all the posts I do feel very strongly that we mustn’t be too quick to embrace our advancing years! I’ve seen this in many threads on this site. Some people seem so set in their ways. It really pays to be flexible and open to new ideas for as long as possible. If you have a hearing problem which is so serious that the earplugs won’t help then your friends should be made aware of this. Otherwise just go and put up with it. There’s plenty of time for life to be limited in scope by age and illness. An acquaintance of mine refused a lovely dinner invitation for New Year as she didn’t want to stay up late as that broke her usual routine. Can’t understand it!

I think Cleopanda has worded it very well. You need to be honest with your friend and tell her.

What is the condition which means loud noise is unpleasant ?

I should think most older people aren't particularly enamoured of loud noise, especially at concerts.

I think it's very hard to say no to a strong willed person. They have no problems saying no to people pleasers themselves. I can understand the problem op as my mil frequently gave us tickets for birthdays or Christmas for us " to go up to London for a show" because she loved it. None of us liked musicals,shouty and often discordant, and in those days we often had to spend £200 on trainfares and overnight stay as well. We couldn't get out of it. I suggest you go for the Meal and have a sudden debilitating headache which improves when they haveleft for the concert.

then maybe say she should ask first. not just surprise everyone.....some maybe going on holiday or doing something else, she cant expect everyone to drop everything for her.very nice lady or not.would take her to one side and explain...

any chance she could change the concert for a play...if not go to the hotel for the meal and say that you not feeling well and that you cant possibly go to a noisy concert. after all she paid for it ,not you....be brave .be bold and speak up......