Friend betrayal

No friends in business comes to mind. I would definitely not mention anything about this issue as you could be breaching confidentiallity and find yourself in deep trouble. I personally have never made good friends with anyone I was currently working with. I have seen to many problems arise in this.

Counsellors must abide by strict rules of professionalism - the fact that she is in possession of information about both sides of the case means she is stepping beyond her role and hoping to become some kind of mediator - that's not what she's trained for so it's clear that her overture to you was as a friend - I would therefore, feel it quite appropriate to ask her 'as a friend' why she thought it appropriate to befriend your adversary at the same time. It would have much more professional for her to have said to the third party that as her relationship with you (as her line manager) was tricky given your long-standing friendship, this third party should approach someone else for help. I think you need to explore this in the work environment with her and not over coffee outside the work context, and then you need to set boundaries. Maybe this person will drop off your friendship radar at the end of the day but that's the price you will pay for knowing where you are with her, and remember that if she has found it acceptable to behave in this way once and you haven't explored this with her, she has no reason to believe she has acted wrongly (in your eyes), and is likely to do a similar thing again. The fact is that you are now in a professional relationship and both of you must recognise this. She may actually have different views about the quality of your leadership and just because you have been friends in the past this doesn't mean that she has to be loyal to you in the workplace if she disagrees with your management style.

Personally that was an underhanded thing to do as you were here friend for long time . So if it was me I’d cut her out of my life

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Just one word comes to mind. Boundaries - but on a number of levels. One, friendship and professional roles require boundaries not only in the workplace but also in our minds. Two - as a counsellor your friend may have been acting in that capacity but has not then respected boundaries in that scenario.
She also seems to have issues - estrangement ? Is she being supervised as any counsellor should be ?

Perhaps she genuinely believed that the other person had a good case, and wanted to help them.

I think you cant expect the friendship dynamics to not change, at least within the workplace, when you became her boss.

I do not think she should be reluctant to support her colleague WITHIN work just because she is friends witg management OUTSIDE of work IYKWIM

I would like to confront the friend but I will break a confidence if I do. I promised the person who told me I wouldn’t say a word.
This makes you sound really unprofessional and immature.

It is REALLY HARD to work for a manager who expects to not be treated as management if they are matey with staff

When I managed staff within a large company, I found it best to be friendly but not regard my staff as friends. I’d take that approach with this person from now on.
She probably does not regard the disciplinary matter as a personal attack against you, just helping another colleague fight her corner. But underhand of her to try to wheedle info from you. Things can’t be the same again for you but I’d say nothing to her about it. No point in creating an atmosphere in the office which would be unpleasant for you from then on.

to befriend your adversary

Seriously. It was a situation of discipline at work, not daggers drawn.

She was likely approached by my staff member for support after the disciplinary action; the friend should have told her it would be unprofessional of her to get involved as referred her elsewhere.

Are you serious? Do you seriously think that that employee should have got less support than she would otherwise just because you have an out of work friendship with the supporting party?

An old and trusted manager once said to me 'you can't run with the Hares and hunt with the Hounds'
I too have a experience of working as a healthcare professional and also as manager of a team and it shocked me to find how many so called caring professionals were nasty and vindictive to their colleagues.

She is not "the friend" in that scenario. She is "the councellor" and "the colleague" and it is completely inappropriate that you expect them to act "loyally" rather than professionally

So sorry to hear about your friends betrayal. I have worked as a counsellor both in private and public sectors and also as a family therapist. It seems that your friend got her loyalties mixed up and adopted the role of counsellor with the other party when she should have remained impartial especially given her relationship with you.
It is a clear case of her not being able to recognise that there was a conflict of interests.
What you do now is up to you, but if you want the friendship to survive clearing the air when you are no longer angry and upset would be a way forward. Good luck.

It’s always difficult employing or working with friends/relatives - always seems a good idea at the time. I am, however, surprised that you offered her the job without going through normal employment procedures.

It is not a conflict of interest. If it was, OP shouldnt have hired her at all, but she did and as such there is no conflict in her supporting a colleagues issues with management.

In my workplace most of us know each other very well personally. Know each others families, have seen each other's children grow, that does not mean that we cant do our jobs or raise issues or support each other with management issues despite knowing management outside of work!

You CAN be friends outside of work & still act professionally within the hierarchy within work. That is not what "conflict of interests" mean. It does not mean that you cannot ever know the people involved from adam

EV do you spend your life on mumsnet?

I was myself in a similar situation ; I was working well with somebody I regarded as a friend , I was in a managerial position and I had some problems with some members of the ‘team’ which needed disciplinary action and I thought my friend was supporting me .However , one she revealed her true colours and it appeared that she was on the side of the people causing me problems ! I don’t think that to this day I have recovered from it , i was completely shocked , hurt , angry etc
I even went to counselling but basically had to grieve over the relationship and yes we carried on working together without being friends but that was hard too because you also need trust in a working relationship.
I have now retired , she has got my job , we haven’t kept in touch needless to say and sometimes it still hurts to think about what she did and also , I just don’t understand it !
So. , you will get through this but it will be painful there is no denying it ; sorry but this is the truth , basically I think that in the world of work we have no real friends.

Not quite how it was! I’m a manager and have authority to offer temp contracts - this woman had worked for us before. My senior manager in full agreement. Not a very nice post craicon - how this woman was employed is irrelevant to her behaviour??

Gosh what a terrible experience for you, thanks for sharing kiki2 . Sounds a very similiar situation. Sadly, I think you are right - especially when you are in a managerial position

Two faced ...certainly would no longer be a friend if mine.Sending you a (((Hug)))

Yes notanan2. The counsellor is there for patients, not staff. She should have kept out of it. It crossed boundaries and was disloyal. My ‘friend’ also tried to manipulate me into giving her information; she approached me and told me she had heard about the incident etc etc - very dishonest of her. Disciplinary matters concerning individuals on my team have nothing to do with her. She is a temp contractor and is in my team purely to see patients.

how this woman was employed is irrelevant to her behaviour??

Except that YOU think that she should behave differently at work to how she otherwise would because you hired her as a friend

Make up your mind.

I don’t think we know enough about the roles and the dynamics of the work set up to judge. If the friend was acting in her role as counsellor then did she not have an obligation to support this colleague?
Support does not necessarily mean taking sides.
For example, as an advice worker I sometimes support clients by drafting letters in a work grievance situation. That doesn’t mean I am taking their side against their manager.
The careers in the Home where my sister lives support her, but they support other people too.
I don’t think we know the full story.

Thank you operalover.
There are some very wise and kind people on here, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I feel much better and clearer on what stance to take now

Colleagues CAN AND SHOULD support each other. As a counsellor (by trade) she would be an obvious choice.

You cannot tell your staff that they are only to care for patients and not for each other!