Child blaming by inadequate parents?

We don't actually know the full story and some people seem to have jumped to conclusions that might be unfair.

Almost as soon as absentdaughter could walk she was climbing like a monkey. Our local park had a towering climbing frame that just drew her attention. Rather than keep saying "No!", I decided to teach her how to climb safely. She understood the process, but every now and again, she became uncertain, so I would shout something like "Opposite arm and leg" or "Does sideways work?". To be truthful, I was terrified watching my little girl so high up, but I trusted her to remember what I had taught her and she trusted me to have taught her well. My mother thought I was mad. I have no idea what passers-by thought – didn't care then, don't care now.

It is always difficult to know from a 'snapshot' whether the parents or carer was being sensible. We know that it is difficult to get the balance between telling them what to do, and helping them make choices; between taking risks in order to learn, and being unsafe.
Now that my children are grown up, all sensible adults, I have found out that I was the subject of 'behind my back' criticism of my parenting style. Somewhat like 'absent' I really only care about the opinions of those I care about.

We were taught at college that children only attempt what they know they are physically capable of and I think it is generally true. But at times you need to talk to them about inherent dangers and guide them out of a sticky situation with encouragement. My mother always took too much care of me and it sapped my adventurous side for many years.

absent I think teaching how to climb is a great idea and GD aged 6 is heavily into climbing walls. But I do think there is a difference between teaching, warning and absolving oneself of responsibility which is what I feelsaying "make safe choice"s ,means. Showing a safe way is a bit different.

I thinks it's ok to be honest. She is trying to teach him that actions have consequences and to be independent at 9 or 10 I would think he could tell if it was safe to jump. Even my 3 year old GS thinks about what is abs isn't safe. Schools also use that terminology these days too. My Gcs teacher in reception class talks about good choices and bad choices.
If course the parent needs to be close by to give advice and talk about the choices.

Wow, trying to teach a child to think about actions and consequences around about the time he is heading for the age of criminal responsibility. What a reckless, terrible parent. How very dare she!

A few years ago, I asked my young nephew to stop kicking me. He was about 5. His mother then told ME off for calling it kicking. Apparently they refer to it as 'unkind touching'! Incidentally she didn't tell him to stop. We still laugh about it today.

I encourage my 8 yr old dgd to think about her choices. I don't see that as bad parenting (grandparenting) at all. Kids should be able to think for themselves after a certain age! Where I live children regularly take themselves to school unaccompanied, so really do need to have coping skills. They will learn nothing if the adult is making ALL the decisions, will they??
Unless its something very obviously serious, then let them make mistakes that they will learn from.

If anyone brought a boy of ten into a ladies changing room at the gym or public baths, I would ask his mother why he was there, as a boy of ten is too old to be surrounded by women in various states of undress.

I would find it equally inappropriate if a father took his 10 year old daughter into the men's changing room.

The mother has probably told him 1001!times to be careful and climb in a safe way. Maybe she was trying a new tactic? Maybe her kid just never learns - even when they fall and get hurt.
The sad thing is though if he does get hurt and end up in A &E a SS visit will occur, not like in previous generations when it was OK to fall from a tree and break your arm or need stitches somewhere. It was called learning the hard way. Kids and parents can't operate that way today. I'm my opinion it's not pc parenting or being a friend parent, it's covering your bum parenting.

She’s probably a teacher as well as a mother. Few years before I left the primary school where I was.a TA this was something that was brought in by the head. Every time a child played up they were told they were making the wrong choices.

It is the level of danger, From crawling stage on children get experience of the world and learn to make judgments, but as we learn each year from the sad crop of university student accidental deaths, usually from the over consumption of alcohol. It takes 20 years or more before the fledging adult is fully capable of safe risk assessment )(and for some not even then)

Many children are over-protected, these days, so never learn risk assessment. As soon as mine learned to walk I taught them how to go up and down stairs in a safe way, and none of the five ever fell. Likewise, they were allowed to use play equipment, with a little advice on safety, and learned what was, and was not, sensible.
I'm sure that, as they grew older, they did some mad things (out of sight of mum and dad) just as I and my friends did. However, they had the background training to decide how dangerous the activity was, and we never had more than the odd cut or bruise to deal with.
Life is full of risks, and we need to allow our children to learn how to assess and cope with them. By 10 years old most well-parented children should be pretty adept at doing so.

"Making safe choices" seems to be a popular phrase these days.

I wonder if young girls are better at making safe choices than boys? In our family, it is DGS who hurtles round and I watch him, heart in mouth, whereas DGD tend to be more cautious and I'm encouraging them, saying 'You can do it, just don't look down' if they're climbing'.

All are aged under 12.

There’s nothing wrong with asking a child of that age to make their own decisions, as long as they know the consequences of their actions. I think, sometimes, they need to be asked “What will happen if....” because they don’t always think ahead.

I think the whole thing of parents supervising children in virtually every step that the child ridiculous and downright dangerous. Children do not learn to assess risks and dangers properly and are generally more risk averse than previous generations. Not only that, because children no longer get the opportunity to play with friends unsmothered by there mothers, boys inparticular are not socialising in constructive ways. I'm pleased that I will not be around in 30years time to have to live with the consequences.

To be honest when my dd was that age I would have mostly let her get on with it. The only advice I gave her was when climbing something to always make sure she was holding on tightly. She often climbed way above what I felt comfortable with but hey I was the same as a child. I can remember climbing up a tree so high I was dizzy when I looked down. Nobody about to rescue me as I was alone. I climbed back down extremely slowly and carefully. Did I do it again? Not quite as high admittedly but it didn’t stop me from climbing trees I just learned to do it more safely.
Today not many children go “exploring” and are not really let out of their parents sight.
Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows?
I know we seemed to have more fun then and lots more freedom. Sign of the times we’re in I’m afraid! Mollycoddled children???

With my own children I was pretty relaxed but....with my GC I'm much more 'aware' but I do try to control it. Jeepers.......the responsibility! Don't quite understand it but I have read of others on here with similar reactions so don't feel too unusual.

My DD hates her children to be told off, or called naughty. She says ‘That’s not a good thing to do! What would be a better way?”
I thought she was being a bit dopey to be honest, but in fairness the DGC are exceptionally well behaved and confident.
The other set of DGC are more conventionally disciplined - my son shouts at them and sends them to their rooms if they misbehave. They are often disruptive, yet seem timid and lacking in confidence, so I believe that ‘gentle parenting’ is a clear winner.

I'd think it was weird but would assume that it was a way of telling him to be careful - just as "dont come running to me when you break your neck" is!!

All so different to when I was a child, I still remember mum saying 'don't come running to me if you break your leg' was a favourite if we were getting too adventurous.

For those who think boys of 10 shouldnt be in a changing room with their mum , im not sure what you are thinking.
Recently in our town a boy was sexually assaulted in the toilets of a fast food place when he went in there alone.
I would prefer to keep my kids/grand kids safe and if other people feel offended by that then they could always step outside of the changing room/toilet until weve left.
Also yes a lot of us survived a childhood of running about unsupervised in fields /streets and what is today felt dangerous situations but many kids didnt fair so well. Knocked over by cars , burns and scalds in the kitchen , drowning in streams and rivers etc etc. This is why so many warnings are given to parents about appropriate supervision and safety. I agree that telling kids not to do something often doesnt work . Encouraging them to think for themselves works better but at the end of the day its the parents responsibility to keep kids safe until they have developed to a stage where they can reason things out for themselves.

Missfoodlove - are you sure you'd want a boy of 10 to be in the men-only changing room, unaccompanied? Weren't there family cubicles for changing/privacy?

Most rec centres put an age limit of 8 on boys being in the ladies. I think that is appropriate. A lot of girls are developing by 10 and wont want to be getting changed on front of their male peers.

Most recs have family changing with cubicles as a 3rd option too

The good thing about the phrase "make safe choices" is that it can apply to all sorts of scenarios, not just the playground.
Firstly, it inherently means the child knows he (or she) has a choice, and secondly it warns that some choices are not as "safe" as others.
I think it's a helpful warning that means, probably, in this instance to just think for a moment about how much risk feels comfortable.

We don't know how high the wall was though - maybe it was too high to be anything close to safe. trisher may have an idea about this and thought it was dangerously high.

But it may be, for example, that the family has been talking about ways of keeping safe as part of a rounded discussion of everything from knives to paedophiles. It may be that this was just the right place to use the phrase to reinforce something already known to the child. Maybe (if it had been my daughter), she could have said "do you want to break your arm/leg again and have to have pins in for another x weeks?" That might have worked!!

Did the boy jump trisher? - just wondering...