Child blaming by inadequate parents?

I've just realised that 'lamping' must be a local expression; I didn't mean the dictionary definition .

Although I did feel that I wouldn't tell off my DGS if he 'lamped' the older boy who kept tormenting and bullying him. Thankfully sorted now, I hope, without resorting to that.

yep- same here. Wonderful.

I'm not sure that I would feel happy as a parent that my son had been encouraged to fight, even wrestle or box.

Oh lovely- fighting is acceptable! and then we wonder why men are agressive. Learning not to fight and that there are other ways to challenge each other is something which should be instilled in boys from an early age. Rules don't make it better. Boxing has rules but people still get extensive injuries and brain damage.

My daughter works in a childcare setting which provides after school club for children from the attached primary school. Recently a group of boys wanted to fight/wrestle. Instead of immediately saying no she suggested that if they could produce a set of rules for safe fighting she would ask the duty manager if the fighting could be allowed. Between them the boys produced an acceptable set of rules and fighting commenced. They all obeyed their rules. The only problem occurred when one of the girls wanted to join in and objected to the phrase they'd chosen to signal they were being hurt. It was something typically silly boyish and she said there's no way I'm saying that. Another phrase was chosen and she joined in.

She’s encouraging him to think for himself.
‘no’ parenting can stifle confidence and doesn’t encourage children to explore and be curious.
I made a decision long ago to not be a ‘no’ parent and it worked wonders for my children.
It’s a more modern way of parenting. As parents we should be giving our kids guidance for life, and encourage them to be adventurous! Let them make their own mistakes not give them a day filled with ‘don’t do this’ ‘don’t do that’
I work in a school for children with behaviour problems, and we use this technique and we often find that they will surprise us, and make the right choice ?

We have a 4 1/2 yr old GC, raised with horses, picks out their feet, grooms the bits they can reach, leads a 15 hand horse down to our field (mum is close behind). GC also tells the teenagers off for not wearing their hard hats!!!

I think we are so risk averse that we are actually endangering our children.

I caught a runway horse quite a big one about 15-16 hands. After a few minutes a very small girl about six years old came panting along the road, seized the horse's reins and expostulated in anger " Brandy you naughty horse! " and led it away. This was an efficient independent hild.

Only yesterday I was talking to my DD about this very thing. I was very much a ‘give choices, make mistakes’ kind of parent, from a VERY early age.

I was telling my daughter about when she kept trying to touch the range at about 2 and I explained it was hot, and would hurt if she touched it and left it st that, she touched it ONCE in her life, burned her fingers st two and at eight knew how to clean it out and light it safely. They ironed their own clothes from about six, yes they burned themselves, but they learned how to do it safely.
I am/was not a bad parent, I just did it differently to others. My children survived and are VERY VERY independent adults.

Different is not necessarily wrong OP.

There's always one that climbs up the slide and not the steps when other children are waiting to come down!!
Actually, it's not safe choices he needs to learn, it sounds as if he needs to learn some manners!!

NotSpaghetti the boy didn't jump. The climbing wall was perhaps 12 feet high. He moved from there to climbing on top of a covered slide the other children were coming down. It did seem that he was just waiting sometimes for his mum to say "Make safe choices". It's not the danger element that worries me it's the idea that you can't point out a danger to a child for some reason. Bit like giving them a sharp knife and then saying well you didn't use it properly so no wonder you cut yourself.

All 5 and of our C took part in what could be described as “dangerous sports” some of which they still do, horse riding, skiing/snowboarding, skateboarding and MMA.

The one who now has the most sedate hobby, fishing, is the sport with the most deaths. I was surprised to hear about that fact!!!

I never had specific guidance and we six kids were left pretty much to our own devices. Mum had two jobs ...dad worked 6 day week...and gran who looked after us was quite elderly and mostly shoved us outa the door soon after breakfast...with a bag of jam sandwiches...and a bottle of orange squash/water.. “ come back for your tea” was a constant refrain in my childhood . Brilliant way to be a kid. There’s way too much supervision these days and not enough freedom! And yes two of us girls encountered a ‘flasher’ ...my eldest sister did as well on a closed-in train carriage in the fifties. Life has to be learnt through your own mistakes and experiences...I’m not talking kids under perhaps 5/6... but above that age they need guidance not doctrine! 6 kids in our tribe ...not one ever in trouble with police...and only on, the brother s year older than me that broke a bone( his leg) ...and that was under supervision playing cricket for our school team. Accidents happen. Life is for living!

When I married The Wonderful Man I was already a mother to three children and thought I was doing pretty well at raising them. Then along he came, with his tremendous spirit of adventure, and the next thing I knew he was encouraging my children to play outdoors in ways that were most certainly risky, but I bit my lip and trusted that they would learn what was safe or not with him to guide them.

Fast forward thirty years and TWM has a career where he is regarded as something of an expert on 'Nature Play' and risk management - and our children's children (the oldest is nearly 10) are using flints to make fires, whittling wood, climbing trees, making dens, getting muddy and generally experiencing a similar childhood to my own.

The good thing about the phrase "make safe choices" is that it can apply to all sorts of scenarios, not just the playground.
Firstly, it inherently means the child knows he (or she) has a choice, and secondly it warns that some choices are not as "safe" as others.
I think it's a helpful warning that means, probably, in this instance to just think for a moment about how much risk feels comfortable.

We don't know how high the wall was though - maybe it was too high to be anything close to safe. trisher may have an idea about this and thought it was dangerously high.

But it may be, for example, that the family has been talking about ways of keeping safe as part of a rounded discussion of everything from knives to paedophiles. It may be that this was just the right place to use the phrase to reinforce something already known to the child. Maybe (if it had been my daughter), she could have said "do you want to break your arm/leg again and have to have pins in for another x weeks?" That might have worked!!

Did the boy jump trisher? - just wondering...

Most rec centres put an age limit of 8 on boys being in the ladies. I think that is appropriate. A lot of girls are developing by 10 and wont want to be getting changed on front of their male peers.

Most recs have family changing with cubicles as a 3rd option too

Missfoodlove - are you sure you'd want a boy of 10 to be in the men-only changing room, unaccompanied? Weren't there family cubicles for changing/privacy?

For those who think boys of 10 shouldnt be in a changing room with their mum , im not sure what you are thinking.
Recently in our town a boy was sexually assaulted in the toilets of a fast food place when he went in there alone.
I would prefer to keep my kids/grand kids safe and if other people feel offended by that then they could always step outside of the changing room/toilet until weve left.
Also yes a lot of us survived a childhood of running about unsupervised in fields /streets and what is today felt dangerous situations but many kids didnt fair so well. Knocked over by cars , burns and scalds in the kitchen , drowning in streams and rivers etc etc. This is why so many warnings are given to parents about appropriate supervision and safety. I agree that telling kids not to do something often doesnt work . Encouraging them to think for themselves works better but at the end of the day its the parents responsibility to keep kids safe until they have developed to a stage where they can reason things out for themselves.

All so different to when I was a child, I still remember mum saying 'don't come running to me if you break your leg' was a favourite if we were getting too adventurous.

I'd think it was weird but would assume that it was a way of telling him to be careful - just as "dont come running to me when you break your neck" is!!

My DD hates her children to be told off, or called naughty. She says ‘That’s not a good thing to do! What would be a better way?”
I thought she was being a bit dopey to be honest, but in fairness the DGC are exceptionally well behaved and confident.
The other set of DGC are more conventionally disciplined - my son shouts at them and sends them to their rooms if they misbehave. They are often disruptive, yet seem timid and lacking in confidence, so I believe that ‘gentle parenting’ is a clear winner.

With my own children I was pretty relaxed but....with my GC I'm much more 'aware' but I do try to control it. Jeepers.......the responsibility! Don't quite understand it but I have read of others on here with similar reactions so don't feel too unusual.

To be honest when my dd was that age I would have mostly let her get on with it. The only advice I gave her was when climbing something to always make sure she was holding on tightly. She often climbed way above what I felt comfortable with but hey I was the same as a child. I can remember climbing up a tree so high I was dizzy when I looked down. Nobody about to rescue me as I was alone. I climbed back down extremely slowly and carefully. Did I do it again? Not quite as high admittedly but it didn’t stop me from climbing trees I just learned to do it more safely.
Today not many children go “exploring” and are not really let out of their parents sight.
Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows?
I know we seemed to have more fun then and lots more freedom. Sign of the times we’re in I’m afraid! Mollycoddled children???

I think the whole thing of parents supervising children in virtually every step that the child ridiculous and downright dangerous. Children do not learn to assess risks and dangers properly and are generally more risk averse than previous generations. Not only that, because children no longer get the opportunity to play with friends unsmothered by there mothers, boys inparticular are not socialising in constructive ways. I'm pleased that I will not be around in 30years time to have to live with the consequences.