Child blaming by inadequate parents?

There’s nothing wrong with asking a child of that age to make their own decisions, as long as they know the consequences of their actions. I think, sometimes, they need to be asked “What will happen if....” because they don’t always think ahead.

"Making safe choices" seems to be a popular phrase these days.

I wonder if young girls are better at making safe choices than boys? In our family, it is DGS who hurtles round and I watch him, heart in mouth, whereas DGD tend to be more cautious and I'm encouraging them, saying 'You can do it, just don't look down' if they're climbing'.

All are aged under 12.

Many children are over-protected, these days, so never learn risk assessment. As soon as mine learned to walk I taught them how to go up and down stairs in a safe way, and none of the five ever fell. Likewise, they were allowed to use play equipment, with a little advice on safety, and learned what was, and was not, sensible.
I'm sure that, as they grew older, they did some mad things (out of sight of mum and dad) just as I and my friends did. However, they had the background training to decide how dangerous the activity was, and we never had more than the odd cut or bruise to deal with.
Life is full of risks, and we need to allow our children to learn how to assess and cope with them. By 10 years old most well-parented children should be pretty adept at doing so.

It is the level of danger, From crawling stage on children get experience of the world and learn to make judgments, but as we learn each year from the sad crop of university student accidental deaths, usually from the over consumption of alcohol. It takes 20 years or more before the fledging adult is fully capable of safe risk assessment )(and for some not even then)

She’s probably a teacher as well as a mother. Few years before I left the primary school where I was.a TA this was something that was brought in by the head. Every time a child played up they were told they were making the wrong choices.

The mother has probably told him 1001!times to be careful and climb in a safe way. Maybe she was trying a new tactic? Maybe her kid just never learns - even when they fall and get hurt.
The sad thing is though if he does get hurt and end up in A &E a SS visit will occur, not like in previous generations when it was OK to fall from a tree and break your arm or need stitches somewhere. It was called learning the hard way. Kids and parents can't operate that way today. I'm my opinion it's not pc parenting or being a friend parent, it's covering your bum parenting.

If anyone brought a boy of ten into a ladies changing room at the gym or public baths, I would ask his mother why he was there, as a boy of ten is too old to be surrounded by women in various states of undress.

I would find it equally inappropriate if a father took his 10 year old daughter into the men's changing room.

I encourage my 8 yr old dgd to think about her choices. I don't see that as bad parenting (grandparenting) at all. Kids should be able to think for themselves after a certain age! Where I live children regularly take themselves to school unaccompanied, so really do need to have coping skills. They will learn nothing if the adult is making ALL the decisions, will they??
Unless its something very obviously serious, then let them make mistakes that they will learn from.

A few years ago, I asked my young nephew to stop kicking me. He was about 5. His mother then told ME off for calling it kicking. Apparently they refer to it as 'unkind touching'! Incidentally she didn't tell him to stop. We still laugh about it today.

Wow, trying to teach a child to think about actions and consequences around about the time he is heading for the age of criminal responsibility. What a reckless, terrible parent. How very dare she!

I thinks it's ok to be honest. She is trying to teach him that actions have consequences and to be independent at 9 or 10 I would think he could tell if it was safe to jump. Even my 3 year old GS thinks about what is abs isn't safe. Schools also use that terminology these days too. My Gcs teacher in reception class talks about good choices and bad choices.
If course the parent needs to be close by to give advice and talk about the choices.

absent I think teaching how to climb is a great idea and GD aged 6 is heavily into climbing walls. But I do think there is a difference between teaching, warning and absolving oneself of responsibility which is what I feelsaying "make safe choice"s ,means. Showing a safe way is a bit different.

We were taught at college that children only attempt what they know they are physically capable of and I think it is generally true. But at times you need to talk to them about inherent dangers and guide them out of a sticky situation with encouragement. My mother always took too much care of me and it sapped my adventurous side for many years.

It is always difficult to know from a 'snapshot' whether the parents or carer was being sensible. We know that it is difficult to get the balance between telling them what to do, and helping them make choices; between taking risks in order to learn, and being unsafe.
Now that my children are grown up, all sensible adults, I have found out that I was the subject of 'behind my back' criticism of my parenting style. Somewhat like 'absent' I really only care about the opinions of those I care about.

We don't actually know the full story and some people seem to have jumped to conclusions that might be unfair.

Almost as soon as absentdaughter could walk she was climbing like a monkey. Our local park had a towering climbing frame that just drew her attention. Rather than keep saying "No!", I decided to teach her how to climb safely. She understood the process, but every now and again, she became uncertain, so I would shout something like "Opposite arm and leg" or "Does sideways work?". To be truthful, I was terrified watching my little girl so high up, but I trusted her to remember what I had taught her and she trusted me to have taught her well. My mother thought I was mad. I have no idea what passers-by thought – didn't care then, don't care now.

blue that was my childhood exactly. It was joyous and fun.

Looking back we did the daftest things but learned the possible and to avoid the impossible.

Yes I had accidents - I broke my arm sliding on ice, burnt my fingers making a camp fire to fry eggs, which was served up with bits of burnt twig. Cut my little finger badly with a penknife as I tried to whittle a piece of wood. I still have the scar. But no adults telling us what to do either PC or otherwise.

At age 10 our DM used to send us out for the day in the holidays and tell us not to come home until dinner/tea-time. We would roam the fields, climb trees, tightrope walk along walls, play in the stream and jump across it (even though we knew a child had drowned doing the same). In winter we'd go sliding on the thinnest ice on our local river and walk across the water pipe which crossed the river. We would explore building sites, go to the local rec and do stupid things on the swings and slides.

It taught us what was safe and what wasn't, and if we had an accident it was our own fault and we learnt from it. What a difference from today. I'm sort of half with that mum; I think I would just say "Be careful" though instead.

I agree with those who have said that children need to be taught how to manage appropriate risk, to enable them to learn the consequences of their actions.

I have often watched kids at play and depending on their activity and age, they do seem to assess risk quite well with a parental watchful eye, but without intervention.

I believe it is the job of a parent to guide children in learning and assessing what is risky and why, and to make safe choices, depending on the child's capacity.

I had far more freedom to learn when I was a child than many seem to have these days.

??? So very PC!
I have also heard “ don’t put me in a position where I have to admonish”

Yesterday at the gym there was a boy of around 10 in the ladies changing rooms with his mother,he was not in any way disabled.
I would have had to drag my boys in kicking and screaming beyond 7.

So pleased I’m no longer a parent to young children?

I agree with jura2 to an extent and feel we tend to over protect our
children/grandchildren. However if the risk is immediate or serious we do need to say no.
Nonnie is right to say that no should not be overused either.

I completely agree with notanan2. At 10 i think you should have progressed from telling them 'no don't do that' to doing exactly as this parent has done i.e made them consider the fact that something could go wrong if they make the wrong choice and that their actions lead to good or not so good consequences. Passing the responsibility for their own safety in a graded incrimental way to the child so that by the time they are teenagers (and let's face it probably a bit wobbly with always doing the right thing) can only be a good thing and lead to independent and confident young adults

Nonnie, it also depends on the cultural attitude to danger. In many Northern countries and in my birth country- it is truly believed that kids have to play with danger, to learn about risks, common sense, as well as core strength, balance, etc - which in the long term will make them safer and stronger.

A couple of years after we arrived here in Switzerland, we went to the local Fête. Kids were jumping off the roof of a garage next to the play field- so I went to see one of the teachers to tell her what was happening- She looked at me in total disbelief and replied 'ah thanks - but that is what kids do, isnt' it'. Kids often use knives in the woods to cut twigs and make bows or whistles, and it is perfectly normal.

The UK seems to increasingly follow the USA in this matter- and the assumption that No risk = safer. Not sure it works.

There's something radically wrong with a child of that age not being aware of danger?

Oh please! Plenty of 10year olds think theyre invincable and need the odd reminder that they arent

I think it depends on how great the danger of injury is. In playgrounds these days they have floors which are safe to land on without getting hurt. So much depends on how far they could fall. Children do need to make mistakes but they also need to know that NO means NO for those occasions when it is vital they stop what they are doing instantly but it should not be overused or it will be ignored.

I know someone who always 'reasoned' with her first child from the age it could move around independently. Funny how it didn't happen with the second! Parents need to learn from their mistakes too. Glad I never gave advice even though sorely tempted

There's something radically wrong with a child of that age not being aware of danger ?