Child blaming by inadequate parents?

I had to ask a parent with two young girls, about 4 & 5 if she would stop them from running around and screaming in the coffee shop. Her reply, oh they are just young children. My reply was, and that is why YOU must parent them and teach them how to behave.

I strongly believe that very young children need to be told but as they get older they need guidance, e.g. you do realise that if you jump from that wall 10 ft up you could well break your leg or neck. 10 is the about the age I reckon they can start to make choices.

You know at 10 they are above the age of criminal responsibility!

The law holds them accountable for their actions. They DO need to think about the choices they make. Its fine to remind them to stop and think things through, but at 10 a parent would be doing them a misservice by micromanaging them instead of prompting them to think their choice through!

A near neighbour is a teacher with two bright children under school age. I keep hearing her saying things like 'You are making bad choices' From the responses she gets I would say she is doing a great job of disciplining them. Both my DDs are TAs and tell me the 'choices' word is the popular way to go. No child is ever told that they are naughty.

At 10 really they DO need to make their own choices.

It would be extreme and damaging hover parenting if she was telling him where to put his feet on a playground climbing wall!

When my children were small, I was told that children need guidance, which I thought was sensible advice.

I learnt nothing by being told not to do things but learnt loads by being encouraged to think it through. My father was totally no nonsense but he taught us to weigh up risk. It was a good lesson to learn. We lived on in a village with the A1 main road to Scotland running through it as well as a river and umpteen other ways of killing ourselves.

I think this parenting trend of consulting children before making decisions is barmy! Children don't have the wisdom and experience to make choices and they NEED to be guided by a parent.

It's a duty to TEACH children the sensible way and to point out hazards, not let them learn by having an accident.

It's tantamount to negligence. You might as well say "Yes, you can boil a kettle if you like, and pour from it and then see how hot the water becomes" - and blaming them when they scald themselves, or in Trisher's example, break an arm or leg.

Madness. I dread to think how such children will be as young adults. Parental guidance/wisdom is essential for a child's well-being and security as it grows.

Well that is ridiculous. Children do not need be warned constantly, that is confidence sapping, but an occasional short sharp command 'Do not do that, it is dangerous' when he tries to tight rope walk along the top bar of the climbing frame, six feet from the ground, followed by some threat of a sanction if he persists, 'We won't come here again, if you do that' is part of responsible parenting.

I'm not sure about this. If mum says "don't do that, it's too high" - then how is he going to make judgements in the future for himself. Reminding him to make safe choices is not being a bad parent.

Did you never climb a tree without your parent's knowing - yes, you could get hurt but learning about risk for yourself is important.

He was 9 or 10ish M0nica bit of a worky-ticket who climbed things the wrong way etc. His mum kept warning him, if you can call 'make safe choices" warnings.

How old was the child? Do you know whether the mother already had had a talk with him about being sensible and not doing silly or dangerous things?

A small child is not more likely to think it was his fault the fell and hurt himself because his mother used a, to my mind, very adult phrase than he is because he was told not to do something.

True trisher, their sense of danger isn’t as well developed as an adults. It seems to be all about not saying no and wanting to be their friend with so many parents.

I remember asking my grandson what he wanted to do as an adult and he said ‘I don’t know, I’m just a kid!’ How very knowing.....

How old was the child? I doubt that a child under 12, and possibly over that knows enough to make safe choices in every circumstance.

When I think back to when I was about 10, I made some clearly unsafe choices, (and survived, whole and entire), but when I look back on my choices at that age, my blood runs cold.

It's called-'I am a parent who wants to be seen as a friend, rather than a real parent' syndrome. It is mainly for the PC brigade who think their children will be 'damaged' if they are told off.