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In law issue... childcare

(386 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Callistemon Mon 05-Aug-19 23:08:11

I didn't realise that - it would mean a significant loss of earnings so perhaps nursery would be unaffordable.
The problems could get even worse.

paddyann Mon 05-Aug-19 23:03:39

notanan if he takes care of all finances etc ,it would seem he's the main breadwinner.Doesn't make sense for him to cut hours or give up his job .Anyway that would defeat the purpose of the OP wanting to be around for "firsts"

Callistemon Mon 05-Aug-19 22:59:13

Yes, good idea, notanan, depending, I would think, on who is the higher earner.

gmarie Mon 05-Aug-19 21:48:57

I have to agree with Love0c, Smileless and others who are put off by some relentless, negative and one-sided posting. This is not the first time I've noticed a trend toward such posts on here, some by the same people over and over, across threads. I find that the best counsel comes from those who:

1) offer reasonable suggestions and advice covering several possible angles (Starlady's was a very good example in this thread), and

2) do not suggest negative motives or assume all good intentions (beyond what even the poster has suggested) when we have no way of knowing peoples' hearts and minds from the limited information we receive in here.

Negative, rapid-fire posts with words in caps or repeated attempts to argue with the poster or push a narrative seem very unkind and unhelpful. I've seen several posters leave in distress after coming here for help and support and that's just not right. We can still offer differing points of view and practical advice while supporting the poster and not vilifying people we do not know.

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 20:29:13

confused Or HE goes part time if HE is so against nursery. And HE uses his extta days off to save on nursery costs and take the child to visit HIS parents instead of deligating the task of the child seeing HIS parents to the OP!

Callistemon Mon 05-Aug-19 18:21:50

Very sensible eazybee

eazybee Mon 05-Aug-19 18:18:59

Finances he takes care of everything.
Rather an an odd arrangement for a modern marriage, don't you think? Your earnings kept for a rainy day, your running away fund??? Perhaps your husband is concerned about money, whereas you don't seem unduly bothered, hence your ambivalence about returning to work.

Personally I don't think a woman undergoing chemotherapy is physically fit enough to undertake regular childcare, and handing the child over to aunts as and when is not going to provide stability for him.

Here's an idea. You pay the childcare costs, thus relieving your husband of a financial worry, and work two days instead of three, since 'saving the pennies' (you said) isn't important to you. You and the child spend the third day visiting the in-laws. They get to see the child during the day, not early evening, whilst you are able to supervise what happens; you keep your job, maintain your independence, and help the family finances, and your husband has no extra expense.
Thus everyone gets some of what they want.

Callistemon Mon 05-Aug-19 18:14:57

I'm very happy thanks
smile
I just don't happen to agree

NanaandGrampy Mon 05-Aug-19 16:45:41

Is it really anger loveoc or simply a different point of view?

It seems to me that there are a number of posts where the OP simply wants agreement for their point of view and if you dare deviate from that you're being 'mean' or 'nasty'.

love0c Mon 05-Aug-19 16:43:06

I think it is very sad, unhelpful and indeed misleading to posters who are asking for advice to have such negative and 'angry' responses given to them. If you hold so much anger in your own life then do not attempt to pass it on. I hope posters can see when this is the case and ignore it!

Joyfulnanna Mon 05-Aug-19 15:44:55

I get it, and completely understand. You are in a situation with very little control. You DH is being influenced by his DM. Are you a passive person? Do you let things build up before you say anything? I think you're outnumbered here. Is your DM around? Or someone who could support you? Your Mil is lucky that everyone is making sure she gets what she wants..whilst going through cancer. I agree with other posters though that your little one needs his extended family even if you don't. I wonder whether you spent other occasions with them before you had your son, how was that? Anyway, its your life and looking at all circumstances objectively, I think you need to find coping strategies and be firm if you don't want them to do the childcare. Or just work whilst he's at nursery or, dare I say it, do your 3 months and stop working until he's older, you're a mum first now, that means baby comes first.

Callistemon Mon 05-Aug-19 15:37:29

Can you not bring yourself to stop thinking as a mil or a grandma and see it from the perspective of a dil? A young first time mum?
Been a first-time mum, would you believe!
How did I get to be a grandma otherwise?

I have a lovely DIL, thank you and thank goodness.

Sorry, there are so many of these sagas popping up on GN recently. Perhaps yours is true in which case good luck.

sharon103 Mon 05-Aug-19 15:36:42

Just to add, ask husband who asked who?

sharon103 Mon 05-Aug-19 15:23:23

Quote: My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon
I'm wondering whether your husband or in-laws are at fault here. Whose suggestion was it? Was it husband trying to cost cut and he asked his mother to baby sit to save money or did mother-in-law volunteer? I can't imagine that a person having chemo would feel well enough to cope. I acknowledge that the sisters have been mentioned but have they been asked or has it been a suggestion that they could help. Do they even know they've been nominated as co babysitters?
I have a friend that has been having chemo since February and weren't able to send her fresh flowers, only artificial. Germ avoidance at all costs. So not good to rely on mother- in law anyway as we all have colds etc which would disrupt your working schedule in those circumstances.
The other point you mention is that you and your husband had already agreed on nursery care for 3 days for your baby. If his mum asked your husband if she could look after your baby while you worked then he should have told her that you had already had made plans but thanks very much for asking and you'll perhaps be glad of her on a weekend when baby get older and you need time to yourselves together.
Reading your post you visit every week, have trips together, send photos and videos which I think is wonderful. Much more than some grandparents get.
Husband needs a talking to and a lesson in being assertive.

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 15:23:18

On a forum you never see the other side. You rely on the honesty of the poster and try and imagine the reasonings of the other side. Not knowing the other side does not invalidate everything i have said but you have persistently been negative towards me.

Smileless2012 Mon 05-Aug-19 15:22:00

What's needed here is compromise. You asked if two visits a week, 4.00 to 6.30 was reasonable access MaternityLeave and IMO yes it is.

Is it reasonable for your DH to want his terminally ill mother to see her GC on a regular basis, yes it is. Is it reasonable for him to make nursery/childcare arrangements without talking it over with you, no it isn't.

IMO if you're able to be a stay at home mum until your child goes to school, that would probably be the best route to take.

I was fortunate to do the same until our youngest started school. It was a wonderful time and there are many mums who'd love to be able to spend those formative years at home rather than going out to work, if only the could afford to do so.

I do get the impression that there's a lot of underlying anger and resentment because you've previously agreed to do things which you now regret. As understandable as that is, it's not helping you to hold onto those negative feelings indefinitely.

Your m.i.l. has a terminal cancer diagnosis. A terribly distressing time for her husband, daughters and of course your H. Don't allow this to become a battle ground. Show that you're willing and able to compromise and understandably require compromises in return.

I'mshockby your post Hithere, talk about trying to extinguish a fire with gasolene. "ILS are horrible parents"; they'll ignore her rules; steal her firsts, tell the OP and enjoy her discomfort and pain. You accuse the OP's m.i.l. of misrepresenting the extent of her illness. Saying that her H and in laws will guilt and manipulate her child.

I hope the OP disregards your inflammatory and totally OTT response.

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 15:21:16

Oh Callistemon you just cannot or will not see the other side. Not once have you considered what i said. You have doubted, questioned everything. Do you really see no fault in their conduct? Can you not bring yourself to stop thinking as a mil or a grandma and see it from the perspective of a dil? A young first time mum?

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 15:18:43

I dont think he is hiding anything but who knows. Finances he takes care of everything. Mortgage, bills etc. My name is on the deeds and mortgage etc. I have squirrelled away rainy day fund. Will continue to add to it for a day when i may need to walk away. Hence why as one poster mentioned, my job is key.

Callistemon Mon 05-Aug-19 15:18:08

and call me controlling
I never said you were controlling

We only know one side of the sage anyway.

MaternityLeave Mon 05-Aug-19 15:13:34

I agree dh has a lot to answer for. I have not forgotten nor forgiven the house purchase decision.
I dont think he is playing innocent. He seems genuinely torn between both me and his mum. When he suggested we allow in laws to look after our son his reason was save money and too long days for baby. He did not say he had a convo with mil so he did not actually blame them. Instead he made out it was his decision. But i saw through it.

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 14:47:59

Oh we also recently went to a big preschool reunion too and there was definitely "love" there it was very emotional.

Hithere Mon 05-Aug-19 14:41:56

My daycare provider has been invited to weddings of children she took care of when they were babies

notanan2 Mon 05-Aug-19 14:31:43

Nurseries are not that brilliant! Sorry! I have yet to hear of anyone give full marks. You can not pay someone to love your child.

We are still in touch with our eldest's first nursery key worker. My eldest is in secondary school. She is still in touch with lots of "her" babies. Probably one of the most loving people I have ever met (and certainly more loving that those ILs sound!)

Have also kept in touch with a staff member from preschool who continued to babysit when mine were in primary.

There are good, bad and inbetween nurseries just as there are good bad and inbetween grandparents!

love0c Mon 05-Aug-19 14:03:48

Internet been playing up and other posts have now come through? strange and mixed up set up you have. I still think some points I have made are true and valid. Try to separate all the different 'angles' that are going on. Do what is truthfully best for your son and not for your husband or indeed yourself.

love0c Mon 05-Aug-19 13:59:42

Providing they are healthy enough to look after him and you know in your heart they will look after him, then I would let them. Nurseries are not that brilliant! Sorry! I have yet to hear of anyone give full marks. You can not pay someone to love your child. If your inlaws genuinely love him then what could be better. Don't be in any doubt that nurseries and any type of educational system will not influence your child. They all do!!! Try to think that if you did like your inlaws would you be happy for them to care for him. I would much rather leave my children with someone who I know loves him.