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In law issue... childcare

(306 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

ElaineI Sat 03-Aug-19 15:15:08

How about one afternoon a week to help with the nursery costs? 4 to 6.30 is fine but not the best time for babies and toddlers as they get crotchety towards bedtime. Your baby is quite young so maybe not yet at that stage. Childminder brings us DGS 16 months at 5.30 two days a week and he is usually a bit cross and hungry and very difficult to prepare tea unless someone else does it - (DH) usually. Then its bath and pyjamas and home to bed. DD gets in about 6 or just after depending on bus so quite rushed. It is easier on the days where we have him all day and we can play in the garden park etc.

BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 15:04:19

I think you may be getting harsh replies from some because you are coming across as pretty strong minded and not very open to advice On a forum like this you will get answers you don’t agree with or like to hear, you will probably get as many answers as there are people

Yes children do get abused in their own homes and the highest proportion of abuse is by known people so that’s is perfectly true, but are you saying your in laws are still friendly with the abusers of your husband ? That seems very strange if your mother in law was visiting the friend that abused him how on earth did the abuse happen while she was there ? Again that seems strange it doesn’t normally happen with the Carer there
Anyway that is all immaterial as if you mother in law is having chemo she won’t be out visiting much I m thinking

4 to 6.30 one or two days a week sounds very fair what has your husband said to that ?

I don’t agree with Goodmama most people can’t afford childcare and need to rely on family and there is nothing wrong with that 9 times out of 10

GoodMama Sat 03-Aug-19 14:49:43

MaternityLeave, my heart goes out for you dealing with such an awful situation.

My only advice is to listen to your gut. You know what’s best for your LO. Your DH should as well, but sadly he seems more concerned with his mother and sisters feelings and wants.

Stand your ground. Perhaps explain to him how awful it would be to have to “fire” them or end all unsupervised visits should things go badly. That certainly would make Christmas dinner awkward.

That’s the beauty of professional childcare. It’s a professional relationship. If you don’t like the care they provide you remove you LO. No drama, no crying.

This is unpopular on this board, but family as regular childcare is a bad idea. It confuses roles. Just let her be grandma and his sisters be aunts. No need to blur the lines.

Hugs to you.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 14:09:26

Thank you Crazy H.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 14:08:56

I agree compromise is a good idea here. I did say mil can care for my son between 4.00-6.30 one to two days a week. I am not a monster restricting complete access. It saddens me that grandmas and mils have such strong view and no empathy. Are we to live by your rules just because you loved and raised your children?

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 14:06:18

Oh Doodle there is no point talking to you as you must be on another planet. You did not read my posts. If you did you would know that i have two sils that will look after my son aswell as MIL.
My dh found himself in a situation where mils “friend” abused him. My MIL did not take him there to be abused. She went to visit a friend she mistakenly trusted. It can happen to anyone. So do not be flippant about abuse just to try and make me look like an idiot. My relationship with DH is fine. Our ONLY issue is interference from in laws.

crazyH Sat 03-Aug-19 14:05:51

Not many would move house just so that DH could be near his parents. I applaud Maternityleave for that.
I do not think the OP is unreasonable. She wants the best for child.....what's wrong with that? And realistically, her is too ill to be looking after a toddler, much as she would like to.
All the best Maternityleave

Doodle Sat 03-Aug-19 13:53:55

I have read all the posts before replying. I think your problem is the relationship between you and your DH not between you and your in-laws.

Doodle Sat 03-Aug-19 13:52:28

Why don’t you ask your DH what kind of family he comes from. Did his mother and father take him and his sisters to visit abusive family and friends when they were young? Is that why you have such distrust of his family now?
Don’t forget, you may be your child’s mother but your DH is the child’s father and presumably has as much say as you in your child’s upbringing so instead of asking us total strangers, why don’t you discuss this very personal issue with the only other person whose opinion counts - your child’s father.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:40:35

Fizzers: because its a difficult time and if one is going to pass harsh judgment and false accusations they should be bothered to read all posts first.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:39:03

Lucky girl i think you have hit the nail on the head.
I dont understand posters that say “why are you here, you should speak to your husband” or “i am looking for posters to agree” if that was the case i would posted solely on mumsnet. But i wanted critical but kind advise. My MILs perspective perhaps. Thank you to all for responding. Both support and criticism. It will be valuable in helping me reach a solution and my approach when i tackle this with DH.

fizzers Sat 03-Aug-19 13:37:56

why the need to shout? MaternityLeave

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:34:27

Bluebell- i dont think anyone “allows” their child / grandchild to be abused. Most abuse cases happen not with strangers but with family, extended family and friends. My dh was in a similar situation when he was 7/8 with a friend of MILs. It was not her fault as it could happen to anyone. But because of this i trust no one but those i know personally.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 13:31:46


BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 13:03:52

You really are contradicting yourself after saying you don’t trust your parents in law or more to the point mother in law you say they are wonderful grandparents, well they can’t be both they can’t be untrustworthy and wonderful
When my parents or in laws looked after my child or children I never once questioned where they were taking them or if they were visiting anyone etc etc Do you really think they would let them be abused in a friends home ??? I think you have big issues around the control of your little one
I think you need to stop work and look after your little chap yourself 24/7
I fail to understand how you could be with someone 14 years and not realise they were very tied to their family until now

Luckygirl Sat 03-Aug-19 12:18:55

It looks as though you are harbouring a deep resentment of PIL for manipulating your OH to buy a house nearby against your wishes; and I am sure this is colouring all your interactions with them.

It is a very emotive issue, as we all want our small children cared for by people with whom we have an instinctive connection and with whom we feel in harmony. You do not have to justify this feeling - it is what it is.

This connection is not there; nor with your sister-in-law and I can understand that this must be a very uncomfortable situation for you.

Personally I would forego the job, as you can afford to, and soak yourself in the joy of watching your DC develop at this critical time. I took 5 years off initially to be with my two oldest children until they started school - I have never regretted this and loved every (well nearly every!) moment.

This will get you over your dilemma and when the children are a bit older you might feel more inclined to tolerate influences that give you concern as they will have a firm grounding in your values.

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 12:10:09

I am guessing you probably behave like my mil hence ur comments
This follows the usual pattern of an OP accusing posters who do not agree whole-heartedly and sympathise with her side of the story of being bad MIL, just like her own.

Boringly predictable.

Minniemoo Sat 03-Aug-19 12:07:21

Very strange. Your mother in law is having chemo? Then there is your excuse for you not to send your baby to her. As someone else has said it's not advisable for either her nor the baby. So just calmly say that due to the cancer treatment it's impossible to rely on her for care.

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 12:05:16

"Vilifying my in laws”? If i was doing that i would not say they are great grandparents

But not so good that they can be trusted to watch out for your child and will take him to visit possible abusers - and stand by while all this is going on?

This gets more and more fantastic.

NanaandGrampy Sat 03-Aug-19 12:02:12

You're guessing way off MaternityLeave !! Hence , Im not on here asking total strangers for advice you don't really want.

I totally agree Stella - the OP is asking ONLY for support for her point of view where the person who needs to agree with her is her husband.

Well said Nonnie !

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 12:01:13

Ah, Mumsnet!
I'm sure they can advise you about your terminally ill, overbearing MIL.

Actually, if she is having chemo she may have been advised not to come into contact with a young baby both for the baby's sake and for her own in case the baby gave her an infection. A baby going to nursery may be in contact with viruses, infections that could be passed on to your vulnerable MIL.

Sorry but I don't think some of this rings true. MiL is terminally ill and about to have another dose of chemo. She wouldn't even offer to have the child.
I agree, Nonnie

Is this what someone referred to as wooden spooning?

paddyann Sat 03-Aug-19 11:58:44

Quite honestly I think you need to seek help.its not normal to think your in laws will take your child visiting people who may abuse him.
What kind of world do you think it is? The vast majority of people are good and kind and will be a happy addition to your sons life .You wont be able to keep him away from everyone all his childhood ,he'll meet "strangers" every day .Are you going to strap him to your side?
IF as you say they are good GP's what is your issue ? I have looked after all 4 of my GC since they were small of them has lived with me for half of every week for 9 years and the new baby expected this month will join our happy wee gang ,Not once have either my SIL or DIL ever questioned my ability physically or mentally to care for their children.Thank goodness my sons not married to someone like you ! Families should be there and work together for the GC .Children gain so much from being with the older generation of a family .

M0nica Sat 03-Aug-19 11:55:09

Surely you realised before you married him that your DH was putty in his mother's hands and that she was a dominating woman.

So many of these family issues depend on the character traits of individuals that must have been clear during courtship, let alone, the early childfree years, so should surely have been assessed, discussed and decisions reached either jointly or individually then.

stella1949 Sat 03-Aug-19 11:36:51

I've seen your post on Mumsnet as well. Instead of asking a multitude of strangers about this, why are you not talking to the one person who actually matters - your husband ?

Nonnie Sat 03-Aug-19 11:30:12

Sorry but I don't think some of this rings true. MiL is terminally ill and about to have another dose of chemo. She wouldn't even offer to have the child.

Forced to move into a house you didn't like or get divorced? Doesn't sound like a good marriage to me. If you did that why are you worried about a loving grandparent looking after a baby? What is wrong with taking a baby to meet people you don't know, MiL wouldn't leave him alone with them and it is good for children to meet different people and see different homes. Do you take him to your friends?

Don't like the rest of the family either? These terrible people brought up the man you love?

Hmm sounds like a control issue to me.

Presumably you've asked everyone on Mumsnet too?