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In law issue... childcare

(387 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

BradfordLass72 Mon 05-Aug-19 00:59:59

I think we all have to accept that MaternityLeave has had 14 years of experience of this family.

Up to now, she's kept the peace, been a good daughter-in-law (even though they jeopardised her and DH wedding) and still wants to be, despite their shenanigans.
I think this is admirable actually.

Now, along comes a precious baby and they see another lever to add to the terminal illness.

Under no circumstances, even if she had expert nurses on hand, should a lady who is dying, have care of a small child.
She's not going to get any better and her carers will have their hands full with all the necessary (and perhaps unpleasant) tasks which terminal illness brings.

This little fellow is 8 months old and in the blink of an eye will be walking and getting about the place - in a non-childproof home. If the carer has no children, is she on the alert for an active child who may grab medication or be hurt by equipment?
Is this really the right environment for a growing, curious toddler?

His Daddy planned for childcare before his birth, his Mummy wants childcare and that is by far the best environment for him as he grows and seeks to learn about his world.

He needs to be with people who know, love and are alert and trained for little hands, and quick wits, and running toddler feet. He needs to be in an entirely SAFE environment.

So my view is this MaternityLeave: sit down with your husband tell him he was right in the first place to pay in to the voucher scheme.
Ask him to see the long view and that his mother's care really needs to be first on the list with the carers in that house.
Just as your son's welfare has to be a priority in yours.

Say you would like to present a united but loving front to his family (after all, you have proved you care about them, even if you don't much like them) for well over a decade.
You are prepared to take your son, well supervised for regular visits and outings with grandmama as long as she can manage it.

Don't let this turn into a battle which drives a wedge between you and your husband. Despite not liking your mil, you obviously want to be fair to her and your husband will value that. Now and much later.

I can see how DH will want his mother, on borrowed time, to see as much of her grandson as possible, but you are not preventing that, just doing what is clearly best for your little boy. It's a compromise all need to accept.

I hope it all works out.

Starlady Mon 05-Aug-19 00:38:22

MissAdventure, so deeply sorry for your loss. xx

Namsnanny Mon 05-Aug-19 00:20:17

Callistamon….vile is just the right word.

MissAdventure…..So true.

Starlady Mon 05-Aug-19 00:15:26

As for the idea that you should be helping MIL, that would be very kind, but I don't know if you could do that w/ a glad heart, right now. Perhaps once the interference issue is settled? Plus, I'm sure you have your hands full w/ your baby. Besides, MIL has a husband, I take it, and 3 AC, is that correct? I don't think you should feel guilted into pitching in on top of everything else.

Starlady Mon 05-Aug-19 00:08:47

I feel for you, MaternityLeave. I understand that you must feel pressured, manipulated, and put in "second place" (my words) by DH to your ILs. Hugs!

You say you would like some of the MIL perspective, if possible, and as an MIL, myself, I think I can see it, especially in this case. Given her illness, I imagine that MIL is feeling a little desperate, afraid she won't get "enough time" w/ her GS before she dies or gets to ill to enjoy him. FIL and your SILs may be worried for her, as well. IMO, you are being very generous w/ your time, but no time may seem like "enough" to them right now and no location "close enough" (that would explain the house issue). Or they may be a possessive family, anyhow, IDK.

But, IMO, even if their behavior is driven by MIL's illness, that doesn't mean you and DH have to let them take over your decisions. In fact, I think it means you need to be even more vigilant about seeing that doesn't happen. You both need to make sure that choices about your life and your child are still made by the two of you and only the two of you.
What bothers me the most is that DH seems to have discussed the childcare issue AFTER he had already made a decision w/ you and even enrolled in a childcare voucher program at work. It sounds as if he mentioned it to his parents or sisters, and they objected. Instead of saying, "sorry, this is between ML and me and the decision has already been made," he made the mistake of listening and letting himself be influenced by their (so-called) concerns.

IMO, you need to have a talk w/ DH and let him know that, in the future, parenting decision need to be made by the two of you, only, w/ no one else getting a vote. If he wants to seek his family's advice, he should, at least do it BEFORE he makes a decision w/ you, not agree to a plan of action and then change his position b/c he spoke to them. But, given their ulterior motives, IMO, it's better if you discuss these issues w/ each other only. And surely, once you and he make your parenting choice, it should be final.

I get that DH's sisters would be doing more of the care than MIL, so her illness wouldn't interfere w/ that. Therefore, yes, a compromise of 1 afternoon a week might be a good idea.
However, I think you need to mull that over carefully, if you feel you can't trust MIL not to take him to see people who might endanger him. That's a common fear in today's world, and, clearly, you have a specific reason to be worried.

No doubt, you're worried that fighting DH on this would widen that "crack" in your marriage. But letting the ILs make all your decisions will hurt your marriage, too, and eventually, perhaps, destroy it. Please fight for what you feel is best for your marriage and your child.

In the end, resolving the issue by staying home may be the best option. There are many years ahead in which you can work, and you may truly enjoy being there for all baby's "firsts," etc. I know I did. Please let us know what you decide.

Callistemon Sun 04-Aug-19 23:19:01

What a vile post Hithere

Although you are right, none of us can predict the future. However, if we are to believe this saga hmm, then the MIL's future has been predicted as limited.

Hithere Sun 04-Aug-19 19:53:47


I agree with nonanan2 and agnurse.

You already see your ILs weekly, which is a lot. Do you even see your friends every week?

There is no need to "compromise" with MIL and daycare.
Why does she need time alone with your baby? Is she even capable of taking care of baby being terminal and receiving treatment?
The side effects of chemo are brutal and she may not be able to be around the baby whole receiving treatment.
She is a manipulator using her disease for own selfish agenda.

Hell, we are all terminal. We do not know when we are going to die. Your mil has been sick 7 years and counting, how much longer is she going to last?

Deal with your dh, he is the problem

MissAdventure Sun 04-Aug-19 19:09:27

We rather doubted my daughter was going to die anytime soon, until she did.
How unkind and unfeeling, not to mention ignorant!

Callistemon Sun 04-Aug-19 18:50:34

If the diagnosis is terminal there could be other treatments available, of course.

However, some kindness is always welcome too.

BlueBelle Sun 04-Aug-19 18:46:37

Who said anything about palliative care though, she seems to be popping to visit (possible abusive) friends) and looking to do child (baby) care so cant be very unwwell even if she has a terminal diagnosis
It is all odd callistemon

Callistemon Sun 04-Aug-19 18:36:11

I rather doubt she is going to die any time soon.
What makes you so sure?

I think that if someone is receiving palliative care they will not really feel up to caring for a young baby anyway.
As I said, it all sounds rather odd.

agnurse Sun 04-Aug-19 18:17:56

This woman has been treated for cancer several times and is undergoing further treatment with no prognosis as far as OP knows.

I rather doubt she is going to die any time soon.

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 17:25:11

Imo you are trying to alienate your husband from his entire family.

HOW on earth is the OP doing this???
She just wants a say in her own and her childs life! The ILs see LOTS of the OPs family, she just doesnt want them controlling her life!

Nonnie Sun 04-Aug-19 14:19:25

Is she dying or not? If she is then how on earth is this relevant? "I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour" he is a baby and can hardly be influenced in any detrimental way before she dies!

Imo you are trying to alienate your husband from his entire family. You don't like any of them! They could be a great support to you if you would only let them. If you are kind to them you can call on their support in an emergency or if you have another baby. Why does it have to be all your way, what is wrong with a bit of give and take? Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy compromise. Many on here have DiLs who are very grateful for the child care and emotionally secure enough not to be jealous.

quizqueen Sun 04-Aug-19 13:35:13

Compromise by allowing them to care for the baby one afternoon a week OR whenever the baby is ill and can't go to nursery- this will be a lot at first, believe me, I work in a nursery and they are always ill in the beginning until they pickup a resistance to catching whatever is going around.

Also, I thought the childcare vouchers scheme was coming to an end, I may be incorrect there, I will check it out.

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 13:11:43

OP is offering lots of GRANDPARENT access/time/activities/visit but they want to co-PARENT her child with her DH. That is not okay. At all. She is being cut out of her own life!

Slowcookervegan Sun 04-Aug-19 12:52:35

Maternityleave . I totally agree with you. Stand your ground. If the inlaws are not well a baby is not going to help them. The baby is better off 8n childcare. Good luck.

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 12:50:38

Being involved does not = making important decisions about where to live or childcare WITHOUT involving the other parent.

There are 101 ways he could support his ill mother without cutting the childs mother out of the equation and only filling her in as an after thought, pressuring her to "agree" to things that are allready decided and set in stone without consulting her.

knickas63 Sun 04-Aug-19 12:48:19

Having read all your posts I think their are a few issues. You are clearly trying to ensure there is good and reasonable contact between your DS and his grandparents. They want more and are trying to force it on you. This has caused the anger you feel at their previous manipulation to bubble over. Stand your ground re childcare, but maybe reduce it by one day and let them have him. Kids are pretty resilient, and one afternoon of not following your rules to the letter won't hurt him.
The other issue is harder. You need DH on your side. However, he obviously loves his family and is worried about his mum. His mother's health will effect the way he sees things. You need to resolve the feelings around the house, and he needs to understand how threatened and manipulated you feel by his family. It's important you end up on the same page.
Thirdly, you need to chill. You come across, possibly wrongly, if so I am sorry, as very uptight and controlling. Try to relax a little. Children benefit from different influences. If you try and completely control your sons experiences you will do yourself and him no good. I am talking in general here.

paddyann Sun 04-Aug-19 12:45:32

I dont agree notanan I think this man is trying to do whats best for everyone.His mother is terminally ill ,he wants his child to spend some time with her while its possible .HE'S the baby;s father.Dont we usually hear an outcry on here about men distancing themselves from their families because of their wives?

I think he's right .I think the OP is the controlling one who want total say over THEIR child .He has equal rights to how he's raised .

notanan2 Sun 04-Aug-19 12:04:13

Agree that your problem is not with your ILs it is with your husband.

It wouldnt be a problem what they asked for if he wasnt agreeing in your absence.

You are not a team. He is raising his child with his parents rather than with their mother (you)

MissAdventure Sun 04-Aug-19 11:49:07

Strange to think that there should be 'evidence' that someone is going to die in the next couple of months.

I can assure you, it happens, agnurse.

Callistemon Sun 04-Aug-19 11:42:50

It's all rather odd.

fizzers Sun 04-Aug-19 10:43:56

Agree with you Nonnie not one thought has been given to this terminally ill MiL

Nonnie Sun 04-Aug-19 10:18:22

Thanks Callistemon. On another thread a GP has asked for advice and thanked everyone even though she thought some were harsh. That is an adult reaction which unfortunately does not seem to be the case on this thread.

When I discussed this with DH this morning, his first reaction was that the OP should be helping the terminally ill MiL rather than than complaining about her and the whole family. He has a point. I certainly put my terminally ill MiL above everything else despite having very different views on many things.