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In law issue... childcare

(332 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Nonnie Sat 03-Aug-19 11:30:12

Sorry but I don't think some of this rings true. MiL is terminally ill and about to have another dose of chemo. She wouldn't even offer to have the child.

Forced to move into a house you didn't like or get divorced? Doesn't sound like a good marriage to me. If you did that why are you worried about a loving grandparent looking after a baby? What is wrong with taking a baby to meet people you don't know, MiL wouldn't leave him alone with them and it is good for children to meet different people and see different homes. Do you take him to your friends?

Don't like the rest of the family either? These terrible people brought up the man you love?

Hmm sounds like a control issue to me.

Presumably you've asked everyone on Mumsnet too?

Bibbity Sat 03-Aug-19 11:00:37

You need to check if your son can even be around her at all with some of the treatments.

YANBU. But you need to get mad at your husband. Tell him if he wants to co parent with his mum then he can crack on with the baby making. But you are your child’s mother and all decisions and discussions only involve you two.

eazybee Sat 03-Aug-19 10:47:00

Apologies; I hadn't read all the posts properly before I posted.
I understand your feelings better now; you are being overwhelmed by your husband's family, and it is not just your mother-in-law, it is also sisters- in-law and probably their cousins and their sisters and their aunts as well. Your husband has manipulated you into moving as close back home as he can get, by using his mother's serious, not necessarily terminal illness, and now he intends his family to play a large part in the upbringing of your, not their, child.
A poor way to behave.

You do have to take a firm stand over this and be very clear about what you want to do. It may be wise to hold on to your job, because you enjoy it, and it will give you some financial independence and a life away from this slightly suffocating family. Consider the possible options with your work first and if you decide to return, make sure that you organise the childcare first, then tell your husband your decision, and do not allow yourself to be be browbeaten.
It is up to you how much you choose to see your in-laws, and it would be kind to see them regularly; you may also be grateful for some assistance with child care later. But again, on your terms.
It doesn't sound as though it will be easy, but if you allow them to dominate the care of your child, you will be even more unhappy.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 10:45:41

And yes i am concerned my mil will visit friends and relatives i do not know or trust. All kinds of abuse takes place in peoples homes. Why would i extend my trust to friends and family of mils/ and their visitors?

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 10:43:35

Mil has had cancer for 7 years and three round of chemo. She is due for another round in the next few months. So i dont really know how long or little time she has.
NanaandGrampy- i agreed to the housemove as i was pregnant and didnt want to leave my marriage when my husband and i get along perfectly well when in laws do not interfere. I didnt want to deny our child of both parents for the sake of escaping in laws. We live in times where people divorce so quick. I think it takes courage to try and make it work. “Vilifying my in laws”? If i was doing that i would not say they are great grandparents. If i did not feel guilt or torn i would have put my foot down and said no. So how does that match with you questioning my intention for posting? I am guessing you probably behave like my mil hence ur comments. Yes a convo with husband will happen. With advice from here, i will be better informed and much more calmer with a better perspective on what to say and do. That was my intent when i posted.

NanaandGrampy Sat 03-Aug-19 10:18:34

I’m stunned to read that one of your issues is that your MiL might take your child to visit people you don’t know??

Did they do such a terrible job raising your DH that they’re untrustworthy? Are they likely to take your child somewhere detrimental ? Are you going to deny your child the opportunity for meeting new people and experiences because you don’t know the people ?

I’m sorry because I just cannot buy into this whole scenario of vilifying your in-laws. You agreed to live in your current house - you seem quite capable of standing up for yourself so why did you agree? You say it’s caused a wedge between you and your husband - is this really going to help matters ?

Maybe instead of coming here and looking for support from strangers , it’s time you sat down and discussed this with your husband .

BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 09:39:10

Husband is the problem I m afraid if you don’t like any of his family the move was a major mistake (pregnant or not)
I think you have completely made up your mind none of the in laws will be looking after the baby so it’s now between you and your husband, and to be honest this doesn’t bode well if you haven’t untangled him from his family in 14 years what chance now, I think you’re between a rock and a hard place you either learn to get on with them and make compromises or move away with or without your husband

PECS Sat 03-Aug-19 09:19:57

Compromise! Is that possible? On the grounds that if MiL is terminally ill it would be an added stress to have a daily commitment to child care. So a regular afternoon or two with grandparents/ auntie and the rest of the time at day care. Baby will get best of both.. social development & fun with other ch at nursey and family bonding & fun with extended family. Both needs are met. Your baby will always be closer to you than aunts/ grandparents as long as you can be a good enpugh parent and shelve your dislike. Do not be jealous of the love they have for your pleased! Kids will be confused by tension between the people they care about so tread carefully. Be reasonable and clear but concede some ground. You will be behaving maturely and sensibly.

dragonfly46 Sat 03-Aug-19 09:18:27

I blame your DH. He should put your needs first and stand up to his mother and sisters. I am sorry you bought a house in the same road. I was in a similar position when I was first married. MiL used to dominate all our weekends and as we were both working we had no time to ourselves. I was desperately unhappy. Fortunately we moved hundreds of miles away but I had 4 years of hell.
Demanding MiL’s are very difficult to deal with unless your DH takes a stand. Try to stand firm about the childcare. It is your decision. Talk to your DH, choose a moment when you are both in a good place, don’t make it an argument and explain exactly how you feel if you don’t your marriage will suffer.

eazybee Sat 03-Aug-19 09:18:06

Your issue is with your husband, not with your in-laws. He seems to be making all the decisions, whereas those about work and childcare are between you and your employers. Are you able to change from three full days a week to working every afternoon, or have you not discussed it yet with your employers? Child care is very expensive, and you may have to use all your wages to cover it, but it seems that , to you, money is not the issue.

You certainly resent your in-laws, and I think if you are in the financial position to stay at home while your child is young you should do so, and bring him up yourself. This is a decision to be reached by you and your husband, who seems to want his parents overly involved in the upbringing of his child; you have to insist that it is what suits you and the child, not his family, which must come first.

TwiceAsNice Sat 03-Aug-19 09:15:24

Sorry I hadn’t read previous post which says she has always been difficult . In that case don’t give an inch she sounds a nightmare

TwiceAsNice Sat 03-Aug-19 09:13:10

I think you seem to have been mostly ok with MIL until you felt manipulated into moving to a house you didn’t want. Anybody would be resentful of that and of course that has eroded trust. Before you were pregnant did MIL have a habit of manipulating you/ using emotional blackmail or is this new behaviour.

What is terminally ill? That can be living for a few weeks or a few years which is a big difference. I think you need to have a very frank chat with your husband and decide if you can compromise eg maybe allow 1 afternoon a week at MILs or whether you stay at home and care is not needed. If you can afford to do that it may be a better solution then you will not miss any baby milestones. They grow up very fast.

March Sat 03-Aug-19 09:07:34

How can a terminally ill woman look after an 8 month old 3 days a week, have visitors, visit people and go out on day trips?confused

Your DH sounds like he can't say 'No' to her but doesn't have a problem saying it to you. Buying a house you didn't want but felt bullied into buying is massive.

Stick with the childcare at nursery. It will probably hit the fan but at some point she needs to hear the word no!

NanaandGrampy Sat 03-Aug-19 09:06:15

I don't think you want anyone else's opinion quite frankly. You've made your mind up and that's all there is to it.

I doubt you would change your mind .

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 09:05:17

I dont like his sisters. They are in the same league as his mother. Mil tried to stop our wedding until 3 days before the ceremony. Again her illness led this. Yet on wedding day she “adored” me. So not it has not been a pleasant 14 years.
Mil has not been on her deathbed. She has cancer and is in and out of treatment. I have a good job. A nice little local earner and it will sadden me to leave now cos of in laws and dh. ☹️😩

Daisymae Sat 03-Aug-19 09:00:09

It sounds to me that the op is angry at being manipulated by this family. They are in the same road, other daughter and family with the in-laws, another sister just around the corner. Sounds a bit much.

BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 08:30:47

How ill is this mother in law if she’s out visiting friends etc I was reading it as if she’s on her death bed ? Also you say i m signed up to a lifetime of these issues I thought she was terminally ill so wouldn’t be around all that much longer ?
Let’s get to the bottom of this you don’t like your mother in law, you don’t trust her, and you don’t want your son with her, that’s basically it, isn’t it?
If you and your husband can’t agree about the nursery then that is a big problem and perhaps you do need to be a stay at home mum until mother in law dies
Are they really that bad how come they raised a son you obviously love and at least two other daughters you clearly trust What is so bad about them?

Sad for them sad for your husband and obviously annoying for you are you sure it’s not your anger at the buying of the house that is eating away at you, were they decent in laws for the other 13 years ?

Daisymae Sat 03-Aug-19 08:27:46

Well I guess that you have your own answer in the last post. Perhaps you need to sit down calmly with your husband and say just that. Your preference is nursery or you stay home with your child. Perhaps that would be for the best anyway. It does seem that you have been put into an impossible position.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 08:12:59

Also if i share this with dh he will find answers fir it all. If he insists too much, i will leave my job and return to work when our child goes to school. This will keep dh and i together without causing war.

MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 08:10:11

Thank you for ur replies.
Just to make things clear:
Dh sis is at home. No job (has good financial investments), children, marriage etc. Therefore readily available to care / mother my little one. His other sis is around the corner with adult children. So again available. So mil being ill is not going to impact their care offer.
I just feel torn with saying no and doing what i want v mil being ill amd denying her access.
I think my concerns are because i really CANNOT deal with the challenges that will come with them looking after my child. Eg. Food preferences, naps, routine, going out (mil will take him to friends houses, i may not know friends etc) i will have signed up to a lifetime of these issues with a dh who cant say no. 😭😭. I just about cope and get by now. If push comes to shove i may leave work. Also what happens if we fall out with mil?

SueH49 Sat 03-Aug-19 07:06:00

IMO it is unreasonable of any parent/parent in law to think it is their right to have a grandchild in their care on their terms. It is the sole responsibility and decision of the parents to decide who looks after their child.

Grandparents had their time of raising a family and presumably raised capable adults who now have the right to dictate how their children are raised and cared for.

If OP's MIL is terminally ill then one has to ask if she is fit to have the charge of an 8 month old baby.

BlueBelle Sat 03-Aug-19 06:53:00

* my respect for in laws has gone and my dislike grown* It certainly shows in your post You make you husband sound very weak, is he? Or is he trying to deal with a dying mum and a worried upset dad, is he trying to juggle balls to keep both families happy ?
How can a dying lady offer five afternoons childcare?
You gave in over the house and are a very angry lady because you did, you sound as if you are determined to never get railroaded into anything again
I think you have made your mind up and your baby will not be going to the parents afternoon care, I can understand this but do be prepared for big injuries to your marriage, as your husband tries to appease his parents. He is torn into two, although of course his loyalty should be with you and his son but the fact his mum has a limited time left has pulled him unless of course he’s a mummy’s boy who has always done what his parents expect and never really ‘left’ them only you know that
Stick to your guns but be kind not angry in how you do it

crystaltipps Sat 03-Aug-19 05:18:59

Yes I wonder how she will manage daily childcare whilst being so ill?

stella1949 Sat 03-Aug-19 05:11:38

You say you moved there because of MIL having a terminal illness - but she is intending to look after your child ? So she has had a miraculous recovery .

agnurse Sat 03-Aug-19 04:13:00

It is not necessary to live on the same street to be able to share time together. We lived over 100 miles away from my GPs when GF was dying and we still saw them regularly.

If this is how the ILs behave, I wouldn't let my child alone with them for an hour, let alone an afternoon. They are trying to destroy their son's marriage by inserting themselves into it.

YANBU, OP. Sometimes people manage to grow up to be decent human beings in SPITE of what their parents did, rather than because of it.