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AIBU

To just send cards?

(52 Posts)
Scentia Wed 07-Aug-19 15:13:40

My AC and their partners are 27 and 26 and I have always sent Birthday Cards with £50 in for years. My DH wants me to stop, mostly because it was my Birthday yesterday and I didn’t get as much as a text from my DS and DiL to say happy birthday. My DD never forgets but my son has NEVER bought me a card. We are thinking about saving money and my DH says no more.
I don’t send the money expecting gifts back but it has upset me that even though my DiL Birthday is a few days after mine I had no acknowledgement whatsoever.
I don’t want them to think I am being mean, should I send a message in family WhatsApp to say what we are doing or just wait til the next Birthday in 2020 and just send a card and no money and say nothing?

annep1 Mon 19-Aug-19 10:54:55

Everyone is different. I think in the end we have to do what is right for us.

B9exchange Sun 18-Aug-19 23:05:38

Eldest DS has said he is not doing birthdays or Christmas presents for adults. This year nothing for Mothering Sunday either, it is as though I don't exist, as he lives abroad. He seems to be forgetting his nephews and nieces too, unless DiL happens to be in the country for work. It really does hurt, he doesn't text either. The other three still give each other cards and presents, which is lovely. And they don't forget me either!

crazyH Sun 18-Aug-19 21:54:18

I'm not so bothered about presents, but I love receiving cards - I 've told my children and grand children not to buy me presents. But if they must, they could buy me a bunch of flowers.

Debyangel63 Sun 18-Aug-19 21:41:00

Your son and DiL are obviously very ungrateful. I agree with your DH that you need to stop. Your daughter though sounds like she gets it. Just send your son a card and the DiL the same. They will soon realise. I am sorry you are having to suffer this it makes me feel so grateful that my DS and my DiL do remember and always get me something....my son is not always the best at remembering (sons eh?!) but my DiL is good at making sure he gets it sorted! Cards & presents in my family have always been important & nice to give & receive....hopefully the tradition will carry on with the grandchildren.

annep1 Sat 10-Aug-19 14:43:02

I have to confess I sent my son a late birthday present. I know I said I wouldn't but he's my son and I wanted to. Even though he never sends us presents. Not expensive and I feel better.

Classic Sat 10-Aug-19 12:37:03

My mum used to put money in mine and my children's cards, I asked her not to over and over because she couldn't really afford it and we were okay for money, then she started putting cheques in the cards because it would be safer, sorted, we just never cashed the cheques. You might find your family are relieved that you have stopped, maybe they felt bad about you sending them money they didn't need and you did.

annep1 Fri 09-Aug-19 01:58:52

52Bright what a lovely daughter you have.

GabriellaG54 Fri 09-Aug-19 00:24:24

That's a really lovely idea 52bright.
Time is the one thing which slips away without us realising how much of it we waste.
I also like the idea of your DD taking her dad on a painting day out. How thoughtful.
Perhaps, with their permission, you might put one of their paintings on here to show us. It doesn't have to be a Turner, we appreciate all styles 🖍🖌✏👍

dogsmother Thu 08-Aug-19 22:23:36

I like a card and no presents but a date, it’s the best thing ever.
A one to one dinner or lunch date. I’ve done this with my sons and my daughter it’s one at afternoon tea. Truly the best gift 🎁

arosebyanyothername Thu 08-Aug-19 22:14:05

I don’t think you should miss out your daughters birthday. Why not treat her to a day out that you can share.
I gave up with my nieces/nephews this year as I never hear back from them.
We celebrate birthdays with AC and our grandchildren which are reciprocated. We even get cards for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day from GC which I think is too much

Grannyrebel Thu 08-Aug-19 21:32:32

I think a card is actually nicer than a present.

Sr69 Thu 08-Aug-19 19:15:49

We always send and buy lovely gifts for birthdays and Christmas We as a family get a lot of pleasure celebrating these occasions.
Our only grandson is a year old next week and we are all gathering for a big family party!!!!!!!

GeorgyGirl Thu 08-Aug-19 18:51:17

Do what your instincts tell you. When it comes to sending actual cards, I do think it is rather a sad sign of the times not to send cards through the post, to me they are more precious than gifts as they have the person's writing on and time taken and thought behind the choice.
I really don't see why we have to have everything online and on the screen, we can have them alongside the tangible instead of replacing. Real cards have much more about them than digital messages, in my humble opinion.

blue60 Thu 08-Aug-19 18:33:47

If you feel resentful, then draw back and send nothing. If, however, you feel good to send whatever gifts or cards, then continue doing so.

It doesn't matter what THEY think of you, it's how YOU feel about yourself. xx

seacliff Thu 08-Aug-19 17:04:52

My two boys send me a card most times, but I know their Dad reminds them. I treasure a personal written card from them, and I keep all the old ones from "special" relatives, many no longer here. I like to look through them sometimes. When I go they will no doubt be binned.

Card sending has had a huge decline in younger people. I still think they should bother to send one to a loved one who they know loves to get a card. It's just being thoughtful.

As regards money and gifts, if they don't thank me I won't send one next time. It's just rude not to.

discodiva Thu 08-Aug-19 16:20:28

Honestly don't bother sending anything to your son. Most men don't view sending cards the way women do.
My husband has to be reminded to send a card to his mum. My three brothers don't send birthday cards to my mum but they always phone her on the day and if they're in the country they'll take her out as well. My sister and I always send a card, flowers/present to her and used to take her out for a meal or a show if we were around. Unfortunately she's frail now so can't treat her like we used to.

Be interesting to see if he even noticed.

52bright Thu 08-Aug-19 16:10:10

We spend quite a lot on family birthdays and Christmas. Also on holidays abroad for dd sil and grandkids. We do this because we can afford to and dd is sole provider. They all appreciate what we do and we will feel quite comfortable about doing less in the near future when we won't be able to afford what we do now. DD has very little spare cash but always buys us something thoughtful for birthdays and christmas and the children always thank us. We have often said not to buy us anything but they always do and send lovely cards. What I value most is time just with my very busy dd. I love the grandchildren loads and its great seeing them but for the last couple of years dd has bought me an experience such as a special lunch or afternoon tea with her and I must admit I really appreciate this bit of special time together so I have said to her there is no need to buy anything but if she really must these lunches ext just her and me is what I enjoy most. She has also taken her dad out on a special painting/drawing day out together as they are both good at this and like me he really valued the time together.

Hm999 Thu 08-Aug-19 15:43:10

It's not about the 'generosity" of a present to a parent, it's about remembering and acknowledging the parents' birthday.

GinJeannie Thu 08-Aug-19 15:23:49

Step grandchildren. We’ve been step grandparents to these two since they were 4 and 8 (Mum sadly died) but never received birthday cards. We’ve always sent Christmas and birthday cards with gifts or money. Now they’re married and step grandson’s wife expecting baby .... am I being mean if I decide to only buy in future for great step grandchild?

paddyann Thu 08-Aug-19 15:11:23

I dont give to reeive back .Igive because I love them and like someone up thread I tell mine not to spend their hard earned cash on me .Gifts should be given without strings or expectations .I buy wee mindings on a regular basis .its good to let folk know you're thinking of them on other days not just birthdays and Christmas

DanniRae Thu 08-Aug-19 13:53:33

No cards from holidays Nanny41 because I am always home before the card arrives!!

Nanny41 Thu 08-Aug-19 13:24:08

I love sending and receiving cards.I send my Son a card and trasfer money to him,I dont think he has ever sent a card to anyone in his life.
Holiday cards seem to have gone out of fashion,why dont people send nice cards from where they are on holiday?

Fronkydonky Thu 08-Aug-19 13:15:42

Stop sending the money- they obviously don’t appreciate it. You are far too generous. I love a beautiful card& am always pleased to receive them for birthdays, anniversaries and I love to send them too. I give my immediate family cards and gifts/money but if they didn’t acknowledge or thank me for it they’d get nothing I’m afraid. The younger generation prefer messages on social media to actual cards. It’s all about the likes on FB & Instagram.

kircubbin2000 Thu 08-Aug-19 12:59:05

I gave my son a larger cheque when my dad died but the next time he was expecting the same amount and showed his disappointment!

SaraC Thu 08-Aug-19 12:57:51

I have to confess to feeling confounded, and rather saddened by this. Many different standards and approaches to cards and gifts in my families. Gifts I am not so concerned about, but a card for a birthday, or at Christmas is a way of acknowledging another person and the relationship and, with a few thoughtful words included can make them feel valued and appreciated, as well as respected. I know life is busy, but a little kindness and thoughtfulness can go such a long way, mean such a lot and costs so little...