Gransnet forums


To just send cards?

(51 Posts)
Scentia Wed 07-Aug-19 15:13:40

My AC and their partners are 27 and 26 and I have always sent Birthday Cards with £50 in for years. My DH wants me to stop, mostly because it was my Birthday yesterday and I didn’t get as much as a text from my DS and DiL to say happy birthday. My DD never forgets but my son has NEVER bought me a card. We are thinking about saving money and my DH says no more.
I don’t send the money expecting gifts back but it has upset me that even though my DiL Birthday is a few days after mine I had no acknowledgement whatsoever.
I don’t want them to think I am being mean, should I send a message in family WhatsApp to say what we are doing or just wait til the next Birthday in 2020 and just send a card and no money and say nothing?

Farmor15 Wed 07-Aug-19 15:21:59

I wouldn’t even bother with a card- just send birthday greeting on WhatsApp. I’ve stopped sending birthday cards to ACs though do give present - mostly money transferred to bank acc. Mine do appreciate and thank for it but most don’t send us cards either. I think posting cards is going out of fashion.

sharon103 Wed 07-Aug-19 15:35:46

You've been more than generous over the years.
No explanation unless asked to which I would explain that you need to save some money. I would send a card though.
Maybe an invite at yours for dinner or tea instead of money?

Scentia Wed 07-Aug-19 15:38:01

sharon103 that is a nice idea, thanks.

annep1 Wed 07-Aug-19 15:48:49

My son was the same. This year I just braved it out and just sent a card. No explanation needed or asked for. He would have a right cheek to be annoyed. I suggest you do the same (should have done so sooner imo)

sodapop Wed 07-Aug-19 15:57:17

Yes cards are definitely not sent out so much by younger generations. My children send me cards at birthdays and Christmas because they know I like to receive them. They don't send to each other or their children. Times change and so must we I suppose. I must admit that e-cards are not the same as far as I am concerned.

Floradora9 Wed 07-Aug-19 16:18:09

We made a family decision that there would only be Christmas and birthday gifts for children . This was a big relief to all generations . My DD who is childless gets the same as the grandchildren .

Sara65 Wed 07-Aug-19 16:37:19

I asked my son to cash the cheque I gave him for his birthday, he’d had it about a month, and I didn’t want it to go out suddenly when I’d forgotten all about it.

What cheque? Was his reply, the cheque in the card! I said

He hadn’t even bothered to open the card

Honestly, I give up, I think you may be right Scentia

FlexibleFriend Wed 07-Aug-19 16:44:17

I still give my sons money for Birthday and Christmas usually £150 each. I've been telling them for well over a decade not to buy me anything because I don't want anything.

Hetty58 Wed 07-Aug-19 16:46:42

I can't see the point of cards but I did send them when Mum was alive. She appreciated a 'nice card' and would remind me of my sister and brother's birthdays.

I just send a 'Happy Birthday' text these days. Our family only give presents to children.

DanniRae Wed 07-Aug-19 16:55:15

I always get Birthday cards from my three adult children. This year my son and daughter-in-law's said "Mum you're Bloody Amazing" and at the bottom "Sorry for Swearing". I love it so much that I keep it by me because lately we don't hear as much from him as we did and it cheers me up!

Sara65 Wed 07-Aug-19 17:00:46

I constantly tell my children I don’t want anything, especially for Mother’s Day, they know I mean it, and I won’t secretly be hurt, but they still give me something, I suppose it’s a hard habit to break

lemongrove Wed 07-Aug-19 17:29:21

Scentia, my AC are much older than yours but they always send a present and a birthday card, and at Christmas a present and a card and the same for Mothers Day (and Fathers Day.) There is simply no excuse good enough for AC to not do this for their parents when they receive the same, or more themselves.
We limit our presents to £20 ( all of us agreed it.)
So yes, stop sending money when you get nothing yourself, as they don’t deserve your generous gifts.Even if someone is ‘cash strapped’ a lovely card and message and a box of Maltesers is doable!

harrigran Thu 08-Aug-19 08:38:26

DC always send cards and flowers and buy me wonderful gifts but mine are much older 50 and late 40s.
I would not be offended if they did not buy a gift but I would expect at least a card. Strangely the only ecard I get is from my 76 year old cousin.

dragonfly46 Thu 08-Aug-19 08:49:32

I always get cards and presents from my AC.

Blinko Thu 08-Aug-19 09:00:21

I receive cards and usually flowers for birthdays and Mothering Sunday. OH gets a couple of texts on Fathers' Day. I send the ACs and their other halves a card and money, around £40 on their birthdays. That's to spend just on themselves. Cards on Fathers/Mothers Days. Flowers to DiLs when I feel like it. We do Secret Santa for the adults at C*******s.

I suppose it's whatever works for your family.

Cabbie21 Thu 08-Aug-19 09:53:55

I am thinking of biting the bullet and not giving card or presents to my grandchildren after they are 18. I never get a thank you, not even from the 18 year old to whom I was quite generous. I think a Facebook or WhatsApp message is appreciated, and acknowledged.

Nanny27 Thu 08-Aug-19 11:06:51

I always think that a gift is the perogative of the giver who usually gets the pleasure of giving. For that reason I would never tell my children not to give at Christmas and birthdays. I loved giving to my parents and miss it terribly now they are gone so hope my children enjoy the giving experience too. Obviously, this is my feeling and I don't expect everyone to feel the same way.

Happiyogi Thu 08-Aug-19 11:19:36

Nanny27 I agree. It's such a sad feeling when you see something that a parent would have enjoyed, but they're no longer here. Maybe it's just one of the many ways we keep the memory of our loved ones alive.

EthelJ Thu 08-Aug-19 11:25:30

I rarely get a card from my son because he doesn't really do cards, he does usually treat me to something on my birthday though. I still send cards and presents to both my adult DC and would stil do so even if they forgot my birthday. But that's just for me really rather than for them.

jaylucy Thu 08-Aug-19 11:30:23

It is horrible feeling unappreciated! I have stopped giving/sending cards and gifts to several of my relatives through the years because I didn't either get a thankyou or I was ignored when it was my birthday.
Next time around, just either text or Whatsapp message. If anything is said, just say that you didn't think they were celebrating birthdays as you were not sent a thing when it was yours!
Hoping that they have lined up a surprise for this weekend for you - don't forget to post a thank you for the birthday wishes sent to you in the meantime!

Shalene777 Thu 08-Aug-19 11:38:57

I have been telling my mum not to send money to the GC for quite a few years. She is on state pension and they have jobs that are about £40-50k pa. They never send cards for Birthday or Christmas she never gets a gift and has not had a thank you for anything in years. They even turn up to say they are off on holiday to see if she will give them spends!! I think she has finally seen the light this year.

GabriellaG54 Thu 08-Aug-19 12:15:41

I'd send an e-card from a freebie site. Cost = 0

Barmeyoldbat Thu 08-Aug-19 12:22:58

I have stopped giving presents to gc and cards. I never receive so much as a text. So I stopped. My son and daughter, well I send them a card and they likewise. We might go out for a meal, we might not and all are happy about it.

leyla Thu 08-Aug-19 12:36:40

I don't think you should stop giving to your daughter - why should she miss out: she hasn't done anything to offend - in fact the opposite: she remembered! Maybe arrange a treat that you can do together instead of sending money though.
However, just send a card to your son and wait and see what/if he says anything. Let him take the lead.