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Driving with someone on the car

(77 Posts)
Peonyrose Fri 09-Aug-19 15:16:06

I don’t know whether anyone else has this problem. Unable to drive with a passenger in the car, I don’t concentrate as I should, sone of my friends have decided they are not going to drive anymore and automatically think I am eager to give lifts. The opposite is true. They will go somewhere on public transport and expect me to take them home. I feel
mean spirited but it spoils my outings.

ElaineI Fri 09-Aug-19 23:39:01

I also do not like driving with people chatting to me apart from the GC as I can respond or ignore. DH is absolutely the worst back seat driver and I have to ignore him or we would be dead or other people would be dead! I zone out if giving a lift to others - my mother never shuts up but she has never learned to drive, moans about all the cars yet expects a lift everywhere. have on occasion stopped the car when she says "so and so doesn't go this way" and asked who is driving! I also don't like talking on the hands free phone so if anyone calls it is very brief.
I think if I were you, Peonyrose, I would make the break by getting the bus - maybe say you fancy a glass of wine or some other reason ( sore ankle, neck etc) so can't drive, then the cycle has been changed and your friends will have to seek alternative ways home.

polnan Sat 10-Aug-19 10:08:47

If I give someone a lift, and they chat, I just say if I need to concentrate more, nothing wrong with that...

harrysgran Sat 10-Aug-19 10:27:37

I do prefer driving alone and like you do find it distracting as for friends expecting you to be a taxi service what a cheek tell them you are nervous with passengers in the car and don't want the responsibility if they don't like it they are not friends worth putting yourself out for

Craftycat Sat 10-Aug-19 10:32:35

Funnily enough I don't like driving unless I have music on.
It doesn't bother me to have a passenger chatting ( just as well as my DGC talk non stop in the car) but I do like my playlists played rather loud. I also sing along.
Makes the journey go quickly but I get some very odd looks at traffic lights or jams!

aggie Sat 10-Aug-19 10:35:29

As a Passenger I feel like a dummy as I sit afraid to speak in case I distract the driver , and have been known to ask eldest son to look where he was going , he responded by saying he was checking that I hadn't jumped ship ! I am very nervous non driver , never mastered the art of driving

Sb74 Sat 10-Aug-19 10:37:08

I think it sounds more like you just don’t want to give lifts. Which is fine. It annoys me sometimes, on the rare occasion I go out with friends, that I’m often the nominated driver because I don’t drink. I don’t mind every now and then but it does annoy me that is taken for granted as I’m driving anyway. I think you need to just say from the outset you have other plans afterwards and can’t give lifts. If you say this consistently they will stop asking surely!! Good luck.

firdaus19 Sat 10-Aug-19 10:43:28

Calpurnia, lol

sarahellenwhitney Sat 10-Aug-19 10:47:28

Peonyrose.Then the answer is don't do it.These are not friends.True friends don't treat you like this and the type you describe see you as a 'convenience'. If they distract you while driving then even more reason to say no.
What if you had an accident? Are you licenced ?'insured ?to act as a taxi service.?.You must put your foot down(excuse the pun) one passenger drop off.NO more than one .

GabriellaG54 Sat 10-Aug-19 11:10:35

I can't stand constant chatting when I drive, nor music and certainly not messing around by whoever is a back-seat passenger.
If they don't shut up they get out.

Hm999 Sat 10-Aug-19 11:27:36

Nearly 30yrs of only ferrying kids around meant I found adult passengers weird

blueskies Sat 10-Aug-19 11:35:15

Oh dear such a mean old probably won’t be long before you are unable to drive. Think about that. I haven’t driven since I had a ghastly accident with a toddler. Not my fault. I use my bus pass and with the current cuts to public transport I take a taxi at least three times a week. My lovely friends give me lifts— I never ask - and when they do I buy lunch or coffee and cakes. This is within my budget as I don’t have the cost of the car upkeep. I am a responsible passenger and perhaps that is why my friends enjoy my company.

Albangirl14 Sat 10-Aug-19 11:36:25

Have this week been test driving cars in orfer to replace mine and found the experience nerve wracking driving with the garage dealer in the back and my husband next to me. Have now cosen a car phew!

nipsmum Sat 10-Aug-19 11:44:33

Noone should be telling you how to drive your own car. Anyone who doesn't to me. I stop the car and tell hem in terms which Leaves no room for questions. Don't tell me how to drive my car.ifi you persist you can get out and walk

fizzers Sat 10-Aug-19 12:18:27

Slightly off topic, I get extremely anxious when am a passenger in a car with someone that I haven't travelled with before.

Reason for this is that one of my ex partners was a terrible driver and I used to dread going with him anywhere. We'd been involved in a couple of accidents, one of them on the motorway.

If I do travel with someone new, I keep my mouth shut! at least until I can guage their driving abilities!

tanith Sat 10-Aug-19 12:29:59

It doesn’t bother me to chat in the car I guess I got used to it in my previous life ? my family don’t criticise my driving and I can imagine how irritating that would be.

I agree with others who say just say you are too busy to give them a lift.

Musicgirl Sat 10-Aug-19 12:33:28

Calpurnia, your tale made me smile. It reminded me of a story a driving instructor friend told me about when he was sitting in the car during a pupil's test. As the examiner banged his clipboard down for the emergency stop the pupil braked so hard that the examiner's toupee fell off.

teabagwoman Sat 10-Aug-19 12:34:59

Oh Calpurnia, you have my sympathy, I find it bad enough when I have my ex racing driver sil in the car. I too prefer driving on my own. I’m hard of hearing so trying to hear what a passenger is saying is challenging. I’ve keep telling people not to talk to me but it’s water of a ducks back. I end up umming and ahing along with no idea what they’re actually saying.

absthame Sat 10-Aug-19 12:51:18

Now that's the advantage of my male brain, I simply shut of the distracting chatter but say yes and no from time to time. [Grin]

Lilyflower Sat 10-Aug-19 13:17:00

Do not give in. Be polite but say no. Apart from the talking and distraction you will get cheeky requests/orders as to how hot or cold the car should be, whether the windows should be up or down and whether the radio should be on and what should be on it.

Horatia Sat 10-Aug-19 13:22:24

You could announce you're cutting down drastically on your driving and only do it when you really feel like it yourself. That way they can't complain if they see you behind wheel and know that you just do it to suit yourself no-one else.

Grannyrebel Sat 10-Aug-19 13:52:13

I totally agree with you Peonyrose. I hate having passengers. It makes me nervous for some stupid reason and I make mistakes I would never normally make. Never ever drive when DH is in the car either as he'll say things like "You're going too fast/ you're in the wrong gear/watch that car in front etc." which puts me right off. Love driving by myself though!

justwokeup Sat 10-Aug-19 13:58:18

I was feeling taken for granted by a friend I meet up with occasionally for a meal - you know the sort who takes all the cash, including tips, that everyone else has contributed and then pays on her card, no tip! Which means she gets free food and drink! She always got a lift home as well. When just the two of us met up she behaved like this too so, on one occasion, I'd had enough and divided everything up according to what we'd spent and then asked her for the exact money (I'm usually quite happy to split the bill according to how many people are there, even though I don't drink as I'm driving). I then told her I couldn't give her a lift home but I was happy to wait at the bus stop with her until the bus came. We are still friends, as in all other ways she is a lovely, interesting person, which is my point really. If your friends value the lift more than your friendship, it isn't really worth going out with them any more. Perhaps they just take getting a lift home for granted as you've always done it. If you are uncomfortable driving them home maybe you could tell them in advance that you can't do it so that they can make other arrangements. You don't need to give them a reason.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sat 10-Aug-19 14:00:37

Could you give them something to read? They are there but not making their presence felt iyswim.

I mostly drive alone and 'feel a bit funny' with a passenger. I think they can tell I'm concentrating as I tail off from conversation.

Say 'I need to concentrate on this bit' when needed.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 10-Aug-19 14:24:31

Have you always felt you couldn't concentrate properly if there were passengers in your car? Does this apply whether they are talking or not?

I am asking because other readers assume you are talking about driving and carrying on a conversation being difficult, but you didn't actually say that.

If you always have felt like this if you have a passenger, then you really need to explain to your friends that you don't feel confident enough as a driver to have others in your car.

If this feeling is new, and not due to an accident, or a situation that could have become one, but which was averted, perhaps it is time you considered stopping driving too.

If this loss of confidence is new, perhaps a few driving lessons would help.

Nanny41 Sat 10-Aug-19 14:33:06

We have a neighbour who has never driven, one day she said "oh we couild go there" mentioning a huge shopping place forty miles away,I was so gobb smacked I just said sorry I dont drive that far.I really dont drive far these days,she hasnt mentioed it since!