Gransnet forums

AIBU

Nagging

(47 Posts)
Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:34:01

Can anyone clarify to me what constitutes "Nagging"
My DH and myself have barely spoken today because he accused me of this.
It seems to me that anytime I want to talk about something he doesnt want to address then im a Nag.
In my view its lack of communication which causes the break down of a marriage and I would rather get things out and discuss them rather than let it fester.
I dont think talking over problems is Nagging. Or am I being unreasonable ?

RosieLeah Fri 16-Aug-19 10:22:41

If people did things the first time you told them, there wouldn't be any need to nag!

Diane227 Fri 16-Aug-19 08:24:40

PS. Sorry to go and on, but to anyone who might still be following this thread and I dont blame you if you are bored to tears , I want to say, that just writing on this forum really helped. Thanks gransneters.

Diane227 Thu 15-Aug-19 23:08:11

Grandad1943
Sorry but I have to laugh.
Like most men, you have to have the last word .
Thanks for your input over the nagging issue.
DH and I have decided to split. Not so much because of the drinking which is not alcoholism by the way, but just annoying. Its due to the lack of motivation or willingness to contribute to anything which might make a difference.
He actually said today that he was tired of the same old routine. In the conversation he stated he would go for a walk with our dogs anywhere different that "you can suggest".
YEP. Me having to come up with a plan yet again because of course Im the only one who can look at a map or the internet etc .
This just about said it all.
I hereby resign from the post of entertainments manager , housekeeper and being a general MUG for someone who does not deserve me.
Grandad im so pleased that you and you DW have things sorted between you. Long may it last.
Phoenix. You are a gem in my eyes.

phoenix Thu 15-Aug-19 19:58:34

Grandad1943 your comments don't "upset" me at all, more a sort of minor irritation, a bit like a tiny piece of grit in an oyster shell.

However, that bit of grit often produces a pearl. You dont.

And before you (predictably) point out that in using my analogy, it would be down to me to produce the pearl, I don't feel I have to, although other members may have their own thoughts on that.

M0nica Thu 15-Aug-19 16:05:14

Grandad'beef' not a word I like either. I have had to think hard to think what phrase I use, 'remind' is the one that comes most to mind - which is, of course, what I am doing.

Smileless2012 Thu 15-Aug-19 09:23:09

Grandad I liked your post of 20.52 yesterdaysmileit's just how Mr. S. and are.

Poor Mr. S. has an ongoing health issue which has been on going for several years. He first sought medical advice because it was me who realised all was not as it should be, and if not for me in all probability wouldn't have looked into it at the time.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 23:07:18

Maggiemaybe Quote [ Having a beef? Is that a common expression? It's not one I've ever heard of, let alone used.] End Quote.

Maggiemaybe, "having a beef" is quite a common expression certainly here in the West Country.

It is not uncommon to hear a women state in broad Britolian "ahh, e wer aving a rite beef about dat." 😂

Maggiemaybe Wed 14-Aug-19 22:36:52

Having a beef? Is that a common expression? It's not one I've ever heard of, let alone used.

absent Wed 14-Aug-19 22:33:04

Nagging is when you ask someone to repair the broken catch on the wardrobe and then repeat the request only five years later.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 22:16:41

M0nica, regarding your post @ 21:52 today, I would one hundred percent agree that the word "nagging" is used by "some" men in regard to their wives/partners actions.

However, to counterbalance that I believe that the word "beef" of "having a beef" is often used by women when describing their husbands/partners actions in repeatedly reminding them.

Both terms I have to say I dislike.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 22:05:38

Phoenix Quote[ You really have a problem if you keep records regarding who said what and when!]

Phoenix, I do not keep records, therefore I "do not have a problem" of any kind.

However, I have always possessed an exceptional memory many have said, and that post of yours on that Christmas Day has remained within it.

Apologies if that upsets you.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 21:53:28

I do not think nagging is particular to either sex, it is just that the word nagging and all its implications is generally used by men when complaining about something a woman is saying.

I think, in general terms, when a man is nagging a woman, both use different words to describe it.

phoenix Wed 14-Aug-19 21:52:34

You really have a problem if you keep records regarding who said what and when!

I have better things to do than "check back" on previous posts, and the fact that you seem able to refer back to a post I made on Christmas day says a lot about you!

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:46:48

Phoenix Quote [ Grandad1943 you seem obsessed with "misandry" in that you are able to see it everywhere!

Almost all threads that you comment on, it is what you bring up. ]End Quote.

Phoenix, yes there is undoubtedly much Misandry on this forum, just look at the post by Bradford Lass above.

However if you check back , I have not spoken on it since the thread you began where you spoke in totally disparaging terms (as you so often have) in regard to your husband even on Christmas day on that occasion.

BradfordLass72 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:33:40

In the above circumstances, I would attend the Doctors however much I would hate going, for that would be to save her the distress of worrying about me.

But it didn't occur to you to go before she noticed your very obvious quietness, and thus save her the worry???

And have you ever wondered why men ( though not all men, I can assure you) hate going to the doctor? What's the worst they can do to you - tell you the truth?

As my sons would say, 'man up'.

BradfordLass72 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:27:24

Oh, for goodness sake, Grandad1943 stop nagging !!

phoenix Wed 14-Aug-19 21:24:17

Grandad1943 you seem obsessed with "misandry" in that you are able to see it everywhere!

Almost all threads that you comment on, it is what you bring up.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 21:15:36

Grandad you are a paragon. We have been married a bit longer than you and I and DD have been encouraging DH to take a minor problem to the doctor for 10 years, would he? of course not. Recently, a rather worrying incident finally drove him there. He has nothing dangerous, fatal or disabling but he has been told not to drive until the condition is under control and he will probably not be driving for three months and that is really inconvenient for him, as two of his outside interests are some distance from home and not accessible by public transport. If he had only gone to the doctor when we first mentioned it.

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:03:31

Gill T57
You are so right. I will take your advice. Thankyou.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 20:52:41

In regard to your post @ 20:29 today, like many men I hate attending the Doctors. However, my wife and I have been married now for nearly fifty-one years and so know each others ways and normal personality very well.

In the above, if my wife noticed that I was not acting in my normal manner, by example being rather quiet or such, then I am sure she would soon be enquiring as to what the problem was.

If I told her it was some medical symptoms knowing my wife as I do, she would be telling me to "get over the Doctors" before the last words left my mouth.

In the above circumstances, I would attend the Doctors however much I would hate going, for that would be to save her the distress of worrying about me.

I believe the same would be in the vast majority of long-lasting marriages/partnerships, for it is the concern of one for the other that makes for a lasting relationship.

GillT57 Wed 14-Aug-19 20:45:09

I think you perhaps need to accept that you are living some kind of parrallel life with neither of you wishing to spend time with the other. If he doesn't want to go anywhere with you and describes suggestions of doing so as nagging(horrid word) then you need to go out and make your own social life. There is lots out there and you don't have to just sit resentfully wishing your life away. If you are invited anywhere as a couple, tell him about the invitation once only. If he moans and grumbles, don't tell him again, accept the invitation but tell the hosts that your husband won't be there because he is a miserable old git. Then when the evening or afternoon arrives, go out tell him you did not remind him as you don't want to nag. Put on your coat pick up your car keys and get on with your life.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 20:29:53

Grandad, it is not what you do but the way the other person takes it. You obviously have a close and understanding relationship with your wife on this matter.

How would either of you react if one was concerned about a medical matter the person experiencing it thought trivial or wassn't prepared to admit to having and the other considered should be seen by a doctor? The one with the problem might not accuse the other of nagging, but would certainly use words with a similar meaning.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 20:08:07

M0nica, in regard to your post @ 19:18 today, to remind a partner of an appointment is not nagging. If my wife Carol reminds me of something I have committed a set time for, and I show no sign of moving as the time approaches, she will remind me again.

The above is not "nagging, it is communication by way of reminder.

By token, only today I reminded her in the office at around 3 pm that she had stated that she wished to finish work around that time as Carol had a heavy shop she wished to do. As they were very busy in the accounts section where Carol works, it was decided I would go off and do that shop as my work for the day had tailed off.

The above is communication and in no way would be considered " nagging by either of us.

It would seem in Diane's circumstances that other factors such as her husbands drinking may be the main underlying factor in the deterioration of their relationship. Should that be the case then only talking and communication solely around that issue will resolve it I feel.

If his situation is alcoholism then that is a psychological and physical illness in as much as any other illness, and that will affect his relationships with all others if not treated.

Seeking professional help is the only way forward in such circumstances, and if Diane's husband will not seek that himself then perhaps Diane you should seek advice from such professionals yourself to forward the situation.

There is plenty of well qualified and experienced help out there who I am sure will aid the situation for both your husband and yourself Diane.

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 19:57:47

Thankyou everyone. No im not happy at the moment. I agree that I need to do something about it.
I used to go out with three friends before I met DH. They were all divorced like me. So when I met DH there were some nasty comments about how I couldnt live without a man etc etc. I think they didnt want another husband and couldnt see why I would. On our wedding day one even bitched to another person who told me about it. So I dropped them.
I tried Yoga and swimming but babysitting for GC took over for a while but I could now go back. I need to get a grip and make the effort.
Im sure a nights sleep and things will look better in the morning.
I was just so angry and upset earlier.
There are a lot of people worse off.
Have a good evening everyone. X

CanadianGran Wed 14-Aug-19 19:20:40

Hi Diane,
from your posts above I've gathered he drinks too much, doesn't want to do anything but sit around and watch TV, pulls faces and complains you're nagging any time you ask for something.
Sounds like you need a serious talk with him. Don't say it's too late to change. You don't sound happy at all, and that's no way to spend your time.