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(46 Posts)
Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:34:01

Can anyone clarify to me what constitutes "Nagging"
My DH and myself have barely spoken today because he accused me of this.
It seems to me that anytime I want to talk about something he doesnt want to address then im a Nag.
In my view its lack of communication which causes the break down of a marriage and I would rather get things out and discuss them rather than let it fester.
I dont think talking over problems is Nagging. Or am I being unreasonable ?

Smileless2012 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:44:16

No, you're not being unreasonable Diane and I agree that a lack of communication causes problems in marriage and countless other relationships.

IMO what constitutes nagging is for example repeatedly asking for something to be done. Now, if I ask Mr. S. over and over again to do something in the house he'll accuse me of nagging, so I always point out to him that if he did it the first time I asked, I wouldn't need to naggrin.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 16:09:35

Any one who accuses another of nagging is guilty of passive aggression. The word is a perjorative and has sexist connotations.

Generally 'nagging' is used when someone is being encouraged to do something they do not want to do, even though they know their inaction is causing someone else inconvenience and distres or may be dangerous to themselves

How many women have 'nagged' (ie spoken to) their partners about medical concerns many times, before, when the situation gets critical said partner finally sees their GP and discovers that if they hadn't left it so long the treatment/prognosis would not be as serious as it turns out to be. Said with feeling.

Jane10 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:32:12

Some people like to 'have it out'. Others really can't stand such confrontational approaches. That's not nagging though. It's just a different style of thinking. I think trying to force your DH to talk will have the oposite effect on him. I think you'll have to work a bit smarter on this!

quizqueen Wed 14-Aug-19 16:33:34

Only women nag, apparently. I think it's because the majority of men are bloody useless and nagging reminds them of that!!!!

Fennel Wed 14-Aug-19 16:40:17

I bet you're not as bad as Al Read's wife grin-

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:51:35

Seriously. Im at the end of my rope. Dreading the Winter months and dark nights when we will be in the house more.
DH cant ever "see the point" in doing anything (and no he isnt depressed unless it has lasted 8 years which is the time weve been together)
If I plan anything, it isnt his type of thing but then he never suggests anything else.
Last night a song was playing on TV which I have always considered "Our song" I mentiond this and he just pulled a face and said he doesnt like it.
We have no friends because we never go out to meet anyone.
Sorry for rambling on. Im just having a very bad day.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:09:55

Well, with all the jobs that the above men will not do, in these days of gender equality, instead of nagging why do their other halves not
simply pick up the tools (or whatever is needed) and get on and do what is required themselves. ?

Looks like just another Misandry thread to me.

Pantglas1 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:15:52

I think in any marriage jobs are pretty much divided up into whoever does them best and hopefully it’s a fairly even split. I think a simple request from one or t’other for something to be done within a reasonable time can’t be deemed nagging and nor can a reminder in case it’s slipped someone’s mind.

Surely gender doesn’t enter the equation?

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:21:09

Pantglas1, it becomes a gender issue when only men are accused of not carrying out their share of the domestic tasks in the home.

Of course, the males being accused in this thread are not on the forum to state their side on any situation described.

GrannyGravy13 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:21:36

Mr.Gravy only accused me of "nagging him" once very early in our relationship, so I stopped reminding him of the event.........consequently he missed it!!!

Pantglas1 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:25:15

Agreed Grandad1943 which is why I made my post so neutral!

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 17:25:22

Diane227 Excuse me asking, If he has been as you describe the whole time you have been together, why did you get together with him in the first place?

Witzend Wed 14-Aug-19 17:31:54

That's all very well, Grandad, but the trouble is that some men still expect their wives/partners to do all the traditional 'wife-work' - cooking, cleaning, food shopping, laundry, remembering all the birthdays (inc. his family's birthdays), etc. - but need endless asking/reminding to do any traditional bloke-work jobs.
They want it both ways. And if the woman says, 'Well, if you're not going to do it, I'll get a Man in,' they grump about the cost and say they'll 'get around to it' - but still don't get cracking.

I'm glad to say that neither my dh nor my son in law is remotely like this, but I've heard of several who are.

suziewoozie Wed 14-Aug-19 17:36:07

Diane this sounds so sad. If you want to stay with him, then you really have two choices - accept that this is how it is and bury yourself in a book or the TV or sort out some activities for yourself - a book club, a walking group, a scrabble club, U3A, voluntary work. None of your issues really seem to be about nagging as such - and I agree with most of the comments above. Nagging is a nasty little sexist word used by selfish men- children to put down women and avoid their grown up responsibilities in a relationship and as human beings.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:56:05

Witzend, in response to your post-@17:31 today, no doubt that in households were the work is distributed along "traditional lines" then there are times when the male in the home no doubt has to constantly remind the woman of what needs doing on her side.

However, I believe that work in the vast majority of homes is evenly distributed in these times with very little "his and her work.

As an example to the above, my wife and I both work in the Business carrying out near equal hours. Two weekends back I did a top to bottom clean of one of the bathrooms, while Carol my wife did all the hovering and dusting etc. As my job took longer than hers, when I came down my wife was out in the front garden mowing the lawn.

She does not use the petrol mower, but we have not long purchased a second battery-powered mower that she seems to love using.

I then went on to prepare and cook lunch.

Shared working.

paddyann Wed 14-Aug-19 18:06:22

We have a 1950's marriage ,I look after the house,children ,shopping cooking etc etc .he does all the decorating the garden .the car and the financial stuff.I've semi retired and he's still working full time.I'm quite happy with things as they are .I dont like anyone in the kitchen when I'm cooking and as I'm a bit OCD I like beds made my way and things put away as I would do it.
I dont nag ,ever, never have .My husband tells people that he has never been nagged in 44 years by me,but that our daughter made up for it as soon as she could talk .I think nagging is a waste of energy ,I am very laid back about almost everything though .

Fennel Wed 14-Aug-19 18:07:58

Dianne sorry if I was flippant in my previous post.
When a couple have been married for many years and stop work, we're thrown together 24/7 and it's not easy.
We have to work out ways to get away from eachother some of the time. Husband has his own office (man cave) and I go out. As long as my old legs will take me, the local bus service is excellent.

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 18:56:27

Thanks all for your comments. The issue wasnt about jobs that needed doing or division of work. It was something completely different. Me suggesting he laid off the beer for a bit !
If we were younger I think the outcome would be to split up but at our age I dont think we want another upheavel. I do read, walk the dogs see family but I was looking for a happy ever after with my DH. I suppose you cant have everything. X

kathsue Wed 14-Aug-19 19:06:04

Dianne You sound very low. I think you need some flowers and wine.

If your husband doesn't want to go out and do anything maybe you could do something by yourself. Joining a group for knitting, or whatever interests you, would help you find some friends.

If things are really bad you could try counselling or Relate.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 19:18:05

Grandad 'nagging' is not limited to domestic chores, even though it occurs mainly in relationships.

As Grannygravy points out, when she was accuse of 'nagging' she was reminding someone of an engagement and I am sure I am not the only one accused of 'nagging' over medical concerns.

Essentially the word is used by someone who is being reminded of something they haven't done that they feel defensive about, because they know they should have done it - and that covers a very wide field.

CanadianGran Wed 14-Aug-19 19:20:40

Hi Diane,
from your posts above I've gathered he drinks too much, doesn't want to do anything but sit around and watch TV, pulls faces and complains you're nagging any time you ask for something.
Sounds like you need a serious talk with him. Don't say it's too late to change. You don't sound happy at all, and that's no way to spend your time.

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 19:57:47

Thankyou everyone. No im not happy at the moment. I agree that I need to do something about it.
I used to go out with three friends before I met DH. They were all divorced like me. So when I met DH there were some nasty comments about how I couldnt live without a man etc etc. I think they didnt want another husband and couldnt see why I would. On our wedding day one even bitched to another person who told me about it. So I dropped them.
I tried Yoga and swimming but babysitting for GC took over for a while but I could now go back. I need to get a grip and make the effort.
Im sure a nights sleep and things will look better in the morning.
I was just so angry and upset earlier.
There are a lot of people worse off.
Have a good evening everyone. X

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 20:08:07

M0nica, in regard to your post @ 19:18 today, to remind a partner of an appointment is not nagging. If my wife Carol reminds me of something I have committed a set time for, and I show no sign of moving as the time approaches, she will remind me again.

The above is not "nagging, it is communication by way of reminder.

By token, only today I reminded her in the office at around 3 pm that she had stated that she wished to finish work around that time as Carol had a heavy shop she wished to do. As they were very busy in the accounts section where Carol works, it was decided I would go off and do that shop as my work for the day had tailed off.

The above is communication and in no way would be considered " nagging by either of us.

It would seem in Diane's circumstances that other factors such as her husbands drinking may be the main underlying factor in the deterioration of their relationship. Should that be the case then only talking and communication solely around that issue will resolve it I feel.

If his situation is alcoholism then that is a psychological and physical illness in as much as any other illness, and that will affect his relationships with all others if not treated.

Seeking professional help is the only way forward in such circumstances, and if Diane's husband will not seek that himself then perhaps Diane you should seek advice from such professionals yourself to forward the situation.

There is plenty of well qualified and experienced help out there who I am sure will aid the situation for both your husband and yourself Diane.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 20:29:53

Grandad, it is not what you do but the way the other person takes it. You obviously have a close and understanding relationship with your wife on this matter.

How would either of you react if one was concerned about a medical matter the person experiencing it thought trivial or wassn't prepared to admit to having and the other considered should be seen by a doctor? The one with the problem might not accuse the other of nagging, but would certainly use words with a similar meaning.