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Why is it always me ?

(71 Posts)
Kartush Wed 21-Aug-19 22:51:29

I have come to the conclusion that must be lacking that certain something that makes people want to be close to me, throughout my life it seems it is always my job to keep in touch, to hold the family celebrations, to do the phone calls and to be honest I am getting tired. My son and his family never call, hardly ever message, if I call them I am lucky if they answer one time in twenty. Oh I know they love me but it seems they seem to have forgotten that my husband and I are here. We make the effort to go to visit them (they live 2000k away)we have lived in our new house for almost three years and they have never seen it. When we do visit they seem happy to see us, I guess we are just not a priority in their lives. Am i being unreasonable to feel this way?

melp1 Sun 25-Aug-19 19:04:25

The younger generation with children and work are very time poor. I keep in touch with my grandaughters by texting, calling or sending pictures via whats app, they always reply (always on their phones). They send pictures back and let me know what the families upto. One son lives about 10 miles away and we see them most weeks but we just pop in for a coffee.
The other around 120 miles away, we did used to visit and stay over but more difficult now the girls are at school. They usually stop over about 4 times a year and we all have a week away together in May.
Can you just pop round to see them occasionally?

GoodMama Sat 24-Aug-19 00:46:44

Misha14, that does sound wonderful! Good for you and your lovely family. Heathy all the way around!

Namsnanny Sat 24-Aug-19 00:04:36

Misha14......How wonderful for you. confused

Bugbabe2019 Fri 23-Aug-19 09:58:57

I would be just as upset.
Luckily I am very close to my DIL and we message each other numerous times during the week.
Were you and your son close before? Is there a reason that there is any resentment between you? If not then I’d have it out with him oh and don’t forget to down all the inheritance money, if he can’t be bothered to visit/stay in touch then sod him!

Chaitriona Fri 23-Aug-19 03:36:23

Good advice, good mamma

Mic74 Thu 22-Aug-19 19:51:01

I cannot explain why it is, but my 2 sons brought up in the same way. one phones and visits often, the other I almost have to text him and make an appointment to speak to him; my husband and I make a joke about it, but it does hurt really. but as I say, brought up exactly the same, just different personalities. however, if there is an emergency he is always there.

grannybuy Thu 22-Aug-19 19:10:52

When I occasionally stay with DD for a couple of days, 15 yr old DGD hogs her mother's attention, constantly talking in a low voice about things personal to them, which I obviously know nothing about. It makes me feel a bit 'spare', and, as it's quite rude, I wish DD would take her to task for this, especially as I'm only there for a short time. I'm lucky to see them every two - three months though, as they live about 150 miles away, so can't complain about that I never see them.

glammagran Thu 22-Aug-19 19:03:45

Lizvyk Hope you’re better now 💐

Sheilasue Thu 22-Aug-19 17:42:51

Get on an enjoy your lives. They will soon notice when you don’t get in touch.

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 17:21:23

Kartush, I may have reacted primarily to the first part of your post as well as the responses of others. My apologies if it appeared to digress ....

Having said that, you mentioned your son lives 2000 Ks away which obviously makes it hard to have frequent interactions. It's good that you are able to visit from time to time. Have you had a frank conversation with your son/DIL about the reasons for not taking your calls, lack of messaging, visiting etc? If their responses don't really satisfy you, then my original post still stands.

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 17:00:18

can't control the friends we have ,

Should have been ".....can't control the friends and family we have...."

Oh, for that much desired 'Edit' button!

Dear Admin, Please tell us what compelling reason there is for not having it and I won't ask again.

GoodMama Thu 22-Aug-19 16:54:59

I think having expectations of what other people should do and want will always lead to disappointment.

I’m guilty of this, too.

We can only control what we do and how we react to what others do.

We may not like it, but once other people show us who they are we can either accept it and adjust our expectations to match reality or continue to torture ourselves.

Not an easy change in thinking but well worth it!

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 16:54:26

We are not the only people in our children's lives. Once they leave home, embark on their careers, form their own families, they also accumulate other social obligations besides ours. When we have to compete for our children's attention, we are unfortunately outnumbered if not outranked.

Best advice I ever heard was to 'get a life'!; meaning that we can't control the friends we have, but we can control the kind of life we make for ourselves. When we seek other outside interests (hobbies, volunteering, classes, travel etc.) we not only learn and grow, we also create alternatives for a more fulfilling life experience.

'Get a Life' means we should stop depending on other people for our own entertainment. Instead, we should acquire new experiences and learn new things. By learning and doing we become more interesting to others. Interesting people are also more likely to make new friends.

Ooeyisit Thu 22-Aug-19 16:41:20

Yes this could be me writing this .

Happysexagenarian Thu 22-Aug-19 16:35:10

In our family I am the one who is 'disconnected'. I very rarely phone anyone (AC, GC or my siblings), I may text occasionally if I have something specific to say. I love them all to bits and think of them all the time, I just don't feel the need to constantly be in touch.

It seems to be a trait in my family as my brother never phones, writes, texts, emails or visits. He doesn't welcome visits and has never even met my children. I always send him birthday and Christmas cards but he never reciprocates. I just accept that's the way he is.

As for family events and get togethers, our AC and GC visit us several times a year, they organise visits as they have work schedules, school etc. They also visit each other and keep in touch frequently.

My own siblings are scattered around the globe and the older we get the less keen we are to travel long distances, so now it's just weddings and funerals, health and mobility permitting.

Misha14 Thu 22-Aug-19 16:20:50

Agree with you Crazygran.
On the topic: I used to host/organise family gatherings, until my kids had their own homes, when they couldn't wait to take over Christmas and family gatherings. Now I'm in the lovely position of waiting to be told what to bring and then sitting back and enjoying it all. The baton has well and truly been passed.

crazyH Thu 22-Aug-19 16:14:51

Crazygran, that was unnecessary......

Emelle Thu 22-Aug-19 15:56:53

We are in a similar situation as our DDs and family don't visit very often and only seem to call when they need us. Without going in to detail we have decided that enough is enough so next time the call comes to help out , the answer is going to be a polite no. I know many on here won't agree but we are tired of being taken for granted. I wouldn't expect friends to behave like this so why should family?

KatyK Thu 22-Aug-19 15:13:02

Our daughter and granddaughter came here the other day. The majority of the time they sat talking to each other about people and things we had never heard of and taking pictures of themselves to post online. Me and DH just sat here like a pair of puddings. At least we had a visit I suppose!

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 14:55:18


I should go on home if I were you, have a nice cup of tea in peace.

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 14:53:56


I feel we must be a bit like you, our house is often full of children and grandchildren, the school holidays have been especially hectic.

I love them all, love seeing them, and know we’re lucky to have them, but sometimes we long for a quiet weekend

Tris68 Thu 22-Aug-19 14:52:05

I got invited down town with my 2 daughters today & I really don't know why other than to look after the little ones. In the shop I'm keeping an eye on the 3 & 4 yo while they're looking at stuff & buying each other bits, literally felt like I was tagging along. Now sat in DD1 lounge feeling like a spare part/baby sitter & tbh can't wait to go home.

Washerwoman Thu 22-Aug-19 14:32:04

Our home is still the hub where family congregates and I'm still chief cook and hostess.But DH loves having his 'girls'.partners, GC and assorted dogs visiting.And so do I .Although increasingly I'm delegating some food contributions ,and simplifying meals as the family expands.As well as a lot of work it's getting expensive.My recent suggestion was a bring your own picnic and meet up for a family walk so no-one had to host ,or do it all.
Sometimes we invite them,often they invite themselves.They reciprocate by inviting us for an occasional meal either in their homes,or out at a restaurant.And we hear from them most days, even if just a quick What's app chat. tbh we had a very similar relationship with both my parents and the in laws.
We have a balance getting on with our own lives and friends,and they with theirs -but remain close.They can irritate the hell out of me sometimes,as I must do them!- but I do count my blessings. And indeed my closest long term friends see and hear from their adult DCs regularly too.So I never regarded it as unusual.
I would feel frustrated if all the contacting,and co -ordinating was left to me.This happened with a friend recently and I began to resent it and withdrew.It's not that simple with family though is it ?

grandtanteJE65 Thu 22-Aug-19 13:52:19

I have always had to get in touch with most of our friends and family if I wanted to see them or to hear how they are. I think they have come to rely on this, so they don't bother to get in touch themselves.

I honestly don't think they realise that I am always the one getting in touch. Right now, I am waiting to see if my nieces and nephew ever do ring or text.

Actually, I think Crazygran has a valid point. They grew up with a person who always got in touch, so they never learned to do so, or needed to, because we are stil the one getting in touch.

With friends, all right, they did not grew up with us, but they too have just accepted that we always ring or write, so they don't need to.

trendygran Thu 22-Aug-19 13:45:53

I live 5 minutes (fast)walk away from my DD and family but have only been in their house once this year -on Mothering Sunday.They are very busy juggling jobs(both nurses) school and activities etc. We have no issues when I do finally get to see them -usually at a local coffee shop or garden centre. Again it’s potluck if they answer the phone-have given up on the land line! Lucky to get a reply to a text but do keep trying!
My other family are 300 miles away, so rarely seen -but actually going to see them in a few weeks time -for the first time in over a year.