Completing the adoption story

First Post so I hope I'm OK butting in line this. My DH discovered he had an adopted sister when he was about 45. Part of a very large family this child was the only one put up for adoption. When we found out she her, siblings were half and half shut meeting. Not a massive interest. Mother was devastated though. Ruined the end of her life, you could say. One never knows how news will be taken

As someone who was born in the 50's and adopted I think you need to go through an intermediary - If you've gone the 'official' route that has to happen but it sounds like you've done your own detective work.

I have toyed with the idea of tracing my birth parents (though the man who fathered me may well be dead by now as he was older) but still hover on the brink for fear of upsetting my Mum who's now 95 and swings between saying she wouldn't mind to she would! My birth mother may well be dead too as she would be in her 80s now.

A good friend of my parents adopted 2 children, one of whom has traced her birth family and is, I think, still in touch with half siblings but I know her (ado[ptive) parents were very hurt by this though I totally understand why she wanted to know.

Tread carefully - there was a good programme (part of a series) on Radio 4 earlier this year about one woman's journey to trace her birth parents. Her birth mother didn't want to know her sadly (and I can't remember the name of the programme - not much help I'm afraid!)

I ŵould step very carefully, as the loving memory of your late biological father could be ruined forever for your half siblings let alone destroy their most likely totally unaware mother
That alone could spoil any chance of any future realionship with you and your half siblings anyway,..
I'm sorry but there's not always the Happy outcomes we see on the tv shows.

Whatever you decide to do, I really wish you well.
My mother had a relationship with a widower after her divorce from my Dad, it wasn't a good relationship and ended quite badly... leaving her pregnant.
She tried to ensure that he had a relationship of sorts with my brother but he refused point blank.
He had two children so my brother does have siblings out there...our Mum died many years ago.
He won't discuss the situation and has often said 'they better not turn up at my house', a result of Long Lost Family.
I think perhaps it's bitterness against his biological father and we now just don't discuss it at all.

I was waiting for a delivery, and when it came the Driver said he had chosen this delivery as we had the same surname and he wondered if we were related. My husband had died the year before and after chatting we found out he was his half brother, same Father, whom my Husband had never had contact with. My SIL and her half brother were going to meet up but it never happened

Briz I think through an intermediary is the way to go, they can sort out protecting the mother.
I wouldn’t leave it plus your children at some point will want to know your origins so it may be a gift of info for them too.

Good luck.

Hope it goes well for you and your half-siblings whatever you decide to do.
Personally I would be really upset if someone contacted me with information upsetting the way I see my family and once it’s been done, however carefully the contact is made, you can’t put the cat back in the bag.

Paddyann has given you the best advice. Remember, only the successful ones are on Long lost families. There are plenty of unsuccessful reunions, and, in some cases have resulted in divorce and family break-ups. Good luck. x

If you did your DNA through one of the heritage sites you can make it public so that anyone else on the site that shares DNA would know they were related. Bit of a long shot I know but wonder if that might be worth a try in the first instance? Good luck

My story is very similar, but in my case my half siblings contacted me, and I am so glad they did. We have the same father, different mothers.
But I agree with Paddyann's comments regarding their mother. She needs protecting, possibly, if she does not know.
You are absolutely right, we are the odd ones out. I have never had any sense of belonging to a family. But with counselling I have come to terms with it now.
I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out well,
which I'm sure it will and hope you will have a lovely relationship with your half siblings.

Sorry - Briz!

Brig, whatever you decide I sincerely hope it all works out well for you. Being in similar circumstances, could I ask how you went about getting a DNA match? Can anyone be found this way or do they have to have had their DNA taken?

I had a slightly different issue - my Dad had been married before and I knew I had an older sister (21 years older than me) who was married with a family of her own (I have a niece who is a few weeks older than me). Dad was divorced by his first wife and remarried to my Mum two years later. It was eight years later before Mum had my older sister and then me. She was always upset if any of us mentioned wanting to meet our half sister so we didn't ask. When Dad died my eldest (half) sister came to the funeral but stayed at the back and only spoke very briefly to my Mum. It wasn't until Mum died 16 years later that I decided to contact my eldest (half) sister - I did wonder how she would feel about my contacting her but she was (and is) lovely and we get on well. I am sad that we didn't have contact before as she is in her mid 80's now and I have heard stories about my Dad when he was younger (he was 54 when I was born) that show him in a different light to the often grumpy Dad I knew (I asked him once and he said he hadn't wanted more children as he felt too old to have a second family) I would say go ahead and contact them, preferably by letter as that gives people time to get over any shock and to consider what they want to say before replying, receiving a phone call out of the blue can feel like being ambushed. Wishing you luck and hope that your half siblings feel the same as my elder sister did about making contact.

I am so grateful for your pearls of wisdom. I’m new to this site and had a feeling that sharing my thoughts with those of a similar age would be helpful.

As an adoptee from the 1950s, I was always led to understand that I was a ‘shameful’ secret and that it wouldn’t be possible to glean knowledge of my birth family. Those of you who are also in the same position may feel, like me that we neither fit in with our adoptive or biological families.
I am in contact with a post adoption social worker and will probably decide to contact my half sisters via an intermediary, as suggested.
Although I have no desire to cause distress to anyone, us adoptees should still have a right to know the beginnings of our story.
I really am most grateful for all your comments and advice, thank you.

Bria. Your feelings are every bit as valid and important. You clearly don’t intend turning up at the mother’s home without warning! Your half siblings don’t have to lie to their mother as it is unlikely she will bring the topic up after all this time

Paddyann has given very good advice and most seem to wish you well. Knowing the truth of our early lives - which most of us take for granted good or bad - seems to be a fundamental need.

I have two half brothers. One I have not been able to trace, the other I did finally meet a couple of year before he died. The meeting didn't go particularly well because although he and his wife both seemed pleasant people and brought a nice cake to share, they were keen to turn the occasion into an opportunity to turn us into Jehovah's Witnesses. Now while I quite enjoy talking about theology, my husband became increasingly annoyed and in the end they left and we never saw them again. It's not that the meeting turned nasty or anything but I think JWs are encouraged not to associate too closely with non-JWs and when they saw we were not going to convert there was no particular point to them continuing the relationship.

But I am not sorry I met him, it was lovely to see little features on his face that reminded me of my long-dead father.

I wouldnt wait ten years or so, a lot can happen in that time. Perhaps your half siblings already have an inkling you exist, who knows. Tactful, patient enquiries to aunts/uncles old close friends maybe. Things were different back then. Best of luck.

This is a difficult dilemma for you, and I agree it needs to be undertaken with care.
I am adopted and have known for many years that my mother died either in childbirth or just after when I was born. It wasn't until last year I accessed my adoption records as I did not want to upset my adoptive mother, she died 2 years ago with my adoptive father dying a few years previously.
Through accessing my records and through paperwork my adoptive parents had kept which my brother (their full child & 8 years older than me) I found that I have a full sister who is 10 years older than me. My mother contracted polio when she was around 8 years old and I was a complete surprise as she was severely disabled because of the polio.
My adoption records were accessed through the adoption agency and a specialist social worker went through them with me which enabled me to understand more about the family situation for my birth parents.
Through Ancestry we were able to trace my sister and discovered that my birth father died around 10 years ago. I have since made contact with my sister through Facebook and although we have never met, we do exchange the occasional message. She was never aware of my existence until after the death of our father and then only was advised by someone else. She is pleased we have contact but I am unsure how much further to the our contact at present. I would like to meet her someday and possibly I will pluck up courage to arrange this sometime.
Have you access to your adoption records (I am assuming you were adopted), in which case they might show up some other information of help. I think in this situation I would be very careful about contacting them, and possibly use an intermediary to do so.
Good luck.

I contacted my half siblings. Best to do it through an official third party who is used to approaching people in this situation.
Remember that you may be upsetting a family but then look at it from your own point of view as well, also the family may already be aware of your existence and they also may be wondering what to do.
The siblings mother may also know about you.
I was very concerned not upset anyone but it all ended welL.As I say the best approach is through a third party. Contact social services for advise and don’t let them put you off.

I don't think you should say anything while the wife of your biological father is still alive. It could be a very unkind act. She might be completely ignorant of the fact that her husband strayed whilst she was pregnant. Hold back. And don't tell your half siblings and ask them to keep a secret from their mother.

paddyann is giving wise counsel.

This article has useful information about contacting family, both practical and emotional.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/28/want-contact-biological-family

I also agree with Paddyann. Best wishes

Were you born in the same area as your half siblings? They or their mother may know already through local gossip.

Perhaps you can take it one step at a time to see where it leads.

I feel for you. My wonderful grandson was adopted when he was 18 months old. Because of the more lenient views today I have not lost total touch with him and have news and the occasional contact. It would have been so very hard if he had disappeared and I hadn't been given news.

My experience is from the opposite side, of course, but anyone involved in adoption has my total sympathy in what is always heartbreaking circumstances. I do hope it turns out well for you (and your relatives).