3 times I’ve asked my son if I can visit him in Canada and 3 times he’s just put up problems

Please please please dont take your sons response personally ...they are clearly dealing with something.

I've been on both sides of the fence so heres my take on this.

We live in beautiful part of Canada we have a constant stream of visitors
In our younger years we were both working full time shifts, dealing with kids life etc.
Much of our time energy money went on entertaining our uk visitors. . It's gone on for 40 years. Giving up limited annual leave, family time, money, to give people good time isnt easy.
Certainly when we emigrated l had no idea there was a downside to visitors.
Once the thrill of the reunion has worn off its exhausting trying to keep the ship afloat and play tour guide.
lm now a gran myself and it continues. Every visitor needs time energy money to entertain and do the Canada experience. Its exhausting.
I've just waved goodbye to another visitor who insisted she didnt want to do anything but be with us as shes been here so many times. The weather was wonderful, lots of garden time but to be honest l donf know how we are still speaking.
It's not easy just hanging out together 24/7. Its not natural. She missed the uk shops, talked about bloody Brexit n Boris non stop, and l missed my life for 2 weeks. our lives are not aligned.
It's not personal, l love all my family and friends. I love my WhatsApp n Skype chats, l love and miss people, the brit humour, the camaraderie.
It works because we are 5000 miles away and our interaction is controlled and limited and fun it works over the internet but in person not so much.
Try n step back for a while and revisit this with your son later. For now just say its something you'd like them to plan for maybe next year.
Dont book a flight n hotel as suggested, it will go arse up.
How about asking your GD if she would like to weekly Skype. Get to know her 1:1 invest in your relationship and see what evolves.
Trust me if you go ahead and book this without their blessing. It will be the trip of a lifetime for all the wrong reasons.

Agree with bluebelle

How was your relationship with him before he went to Canada?

Has he visited you since?

Have you visited him- before the 3 times you asked him and he said no?

There is more to this story

Perhaps he has a few problems of his own at the moment - relationship, employment issues, long working hours, etc, etc.

It must be very disappointing for you but for the time being I think I would leave it. Perhaps ask again in six months or so.

Or -could they come to visit you instead. You could spend part of the money you'd set aside for your visit to pay something towards their flights and accommodation (if you don't have enough room). I realise that might be too costly but, if it isn't, it might give you all some enjoyment and a perhaps much needed breather for them too.

Good advice from Nanou. Have you seen your granddaughter as you say she is 10 and they’ve been gone 11 yrs? Hope you can sort something out before too long without it being too upsetting. Don’t just turn up it could have awful repercussions. Good luck. ?? Keep us posted.

I would check out when the school holidays are. Then suggest that you pay for your grand daughter to come over to visit you in one of them. If this does not work then take option 2 and arrange to travel over and stay in nearby lodgings. This should be during the final 2 weeks at school so that you know they will all be home. You could then perhaps suggest taking your grand daughter on holiday if you found that both parents were working. However school holiday tend to have camps for children to go to especially in the summer.

Are you in touch on face book. do you know their usual routines?

You need to come back ganmarj with a few more bits of info
They emigrated 11 years ago the grand daughter was born 10 years ago
Have you ever met your granddaughter?
Have they ever been home to visit you?
Do you know anything about their life over there?
Do you have regular contact ? Photos, news, school pics phone calls etc
If you know nothing about them (which it seems) perhaps they are not even together has that ever entered your thoughts
Could your sons life be completely different to what you believe
I can think of no other reason to deny you any contact (however limited) for the past 11 years

Perhaps he is worried that they might not have time to be with you all of your holiday but doesn't want to say so. Are you expecting to stay with them? If so maybe booking your own accommodation nearby would help? And, you sound like an outgoing person to me, perhaps build a schedule of things to do so that you are not necessarily going to be with them every day? Can you speak to your d-i-l and just reassure her that you don't expect them to drop everything for you?

OP,
You asked your son and he clearly said no.

He may not be lying to you. He explained why it does not work for him.

Plan the trip of your lifetime with parameters you can control.

Talking to him again for the "real" reason why he doesn't want you to visit is a horrible idea.
It comes across as not accepting his no and trying to change his mind. You will get your feelings hurt and your relationship will suffer.

There are other ways to get to know your GD. Have you tried skype?

It does irk me a little bit when grandparents plan a visit to see the gc, as if parents become secondary to the main purpose
How about your adult child? Don't you want to see him and spend time with your child?

Go book your flight. I'm sure there be day tours you could do
Depending on where in Canada son lives, this is terrible advice. Much of Canada is remote, with pretty terrible public transport. “Day tours” would only operate in the largest cities. Toronto, Vancouver, calgary, Montreal, Quebec City. Most Canadians do not live in these places. Canada is a vast vast country. They could live in a small car dependent city.

Canada is a wonderful place to visit, but you do need to plan more than you would if you are used to the UK or Europe.

Why not do it the other way around and invite them over to your place, paying for the tickets.

My first instinct on reading all the posts was to advise against just booking a flight and making this holiday a done deal. Far better to agree a time to visit and to accept their reasons if that is not possible. I too would ask outright if there is any other reason they seem reluctant for you to visit, but respect what they say. They will know the reality of how their lifestyle and your visit will probably not live up to your "holiday/treat of a lifetime" expectations.
I wonder, too, if you have done a long haul flight since your illnesses. I am a year younger than you and have had over a year of illness ( thankfully getting much better and stronger now) and my stamina is not what it was and I would not contemplate a long haul flight alone unless I could afford assisted travel and go First Class which is not likely to happen.
I understand the hurt that made you post but hope you will be able to talk this through with your son and his wife and come to an arrangement that suits you all and keeps lines of communication alive and well. There are some workable ideas in the answers given.
I hope you can find a way forward.

Unless you ask to go during school holiday times, you won't see much of your grandchild if she does after school stuff. You need to ask directly, I'm afraid, if they don't want you to go over and why.

I agree with everyone who has suggested you ask him if he doesn't want you to visit ganmaj and if so can he say why.

If he says 'oh no it's because of this, this and this' think about the things he's worried about, find a solution for eg. staying in a hotel going on site seeing trips that wont involve his family then contact him again.

Tell him of your ideas to alleviate his concerns then say again, you want to visit. If he's still against the idea there's really nothing more you can do apart from book a once in a lifetime, wonderful holiday just for you and as suggested by an earlier poster, send them plenty of post cards.

I hope you can go.

Repeat to them what you have put in your thread very nicely. With medical approval on your health that should reassure them. Also they should realise that you might not be in a position to do this long trip in 5-6 years time. Now is the right time. Start the discussion - best wishes

Im with Benjamin Franklin: guests are like fish, after 3 days they go off.

If it were me, I think I would ask him straight ' Why do you keep putting me off?' and don't take feeble excuses. If you get on with your son relatively well. you should be able to get an honest answer out of him.

Is it possible for you to set up WhatsApp with him so you can communicate via video calls? This ought to enable you to get a better idea of what is going on. I'm sorry you suffered a brain injury, it is pretty dreadful at the best of times. My daughter suffered one 20 years ago which left her with multiple disabilities. She subsequently died 6 years later, but we found the charity Headway invaluable - are you in touch with them?

I am sorry to hear about your past problems but good to see that you have adapted to where you are now.
Why not have an honest conversation with your son about his reluctance of you visiting them? It may be that he's concerned over the long journey but unless you talk to him you don't know what the issue is. Good luck and hopefully you will see your GS soon

Maybe if you booked a holiday and stayed in a hotel with your own things to do. You could then maybe meet for a few meals/day out. Sorry but it might be the idea of you staying in their home thats a problem.

I can understand why you feel so sad but perhaps that gives your son the impression that you will be needy and take up their time.

It does rather look as if their life might not be all that you have been told it is and they feel awkward about having you, or anyone else staying with them. If you’ve had a difficult few years your son may have been protecting you and has dug himself into a hole. Untruths, no matter how well intentioned, do seem to take on a life of their own.

Any chance your GD would be confident enough to come and stay with you for a week or so possibly with a friend? My DD accompanied a friend to visit her Dad in Monaco. There was a special drop off point at the airport, the airport staff and stewards then checked that they were ok every so often and they were escorted and chaperoned at the other end. Thousands of children do this every term if their parents work abroad.

My Norwegian friend’s mother had a stroke whilst visiting her in Kent and she ended up staying for months though mostly in hospital. Whole other story that ripped right through the wholesome idea of Scandinavia!

Hi, I wonder if there might be something wrong with their marriage, or just not getting on too well, problems with daughter, these are things they might not want to tell you, for fear of upsetting you.
I have to disagree with Tedber, it would be unwise to just go
not knowing what the reason is, you would not want to go somewhere you are not wanted.
Be brave ask them, is there a problem, do they want you to visit.

Lots of good advice from folk who have been through it. Don't just up and go. Do more research, as suggested, about the area you will be visiting. Do you skype? Are you on a What's App with them? That way you can get to see them in their own environment. Ask about nearby accommodation. Cost the trip, especially the insurance. Ask is there a time of year that is best for visitors e.g. local festival time. Tell them you plan to do a wee tour, and won't be with them all of the time. Suss out the local medical situation, clinics A&E... just in case. Don't rush into it. Enjoy the planning, with their involvement. If after all of this you are still getting negative vibes, you have to take the hint. Good luck.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Absolutely Hetty58 - I try so hard to be interesting and to listen (not my best quality!) but it doesn't work. The Seven ages of Man' is true, we all experience and need different things at different points in our lives but it is quite a knock at the old ego to become the one being seen out of duty rather than the one visiting out of duty - the circle of life eh!

The answer I received was' it's cold'.Not 'would love to see you'.
Yes I know it gets very cold in that part of the globe. Talk about feeling wanted.