3 times I’ve asked my son if I can visit him in Canada and 3 times he’s just put up problems

The sons have to do what their wives tell them and sadly they won’t stand up to them
When you have an attitude like that, why would you want to visit? I certainly don’t visit people I have such contempt for.

Summerlove I think that is a bit of an unkind comment to make. I also think it is untrue in so many cases. It seems to have become a proven fact that sons change once married. The saying a daughter is a daughter for life, whereas a son is only a son till he gets a wife. The girl's parents always seem to get a better deal than the son's parents. Boys seem to have great difficulty saying what they actually want. This leads them to doing what their wives want. So many sons go for the easy life. It is not a case of having contempt for wives, it is just accepting what seems to be the case. Acceptance leads to far less disappointment for the son's parents and therefore less stress and upset all round.

Summerlove,

Spot on

A man does what he wants, he is not the wife's puppet.

If our husbands did all we want and had no voice, wives wouldn't have to train them to take the garbage out without constant reminders, how dishes and clothes do not get clean by themselves, etc.

Sons do what they want and what they find important.
The wives are scapegoats in plenty of cases because it is less painful to blame an external person rather than realizing your expectations for your son are not going to happen

Sorry just do not recognise DS in above descriptions, nor DSs of any of my friends.

Why has this gone into a boys and daughter in laws/mother in laws thread there is nothing in the original story that has anything to do with in laws
The son and wife appear to have moved to Canada independent of either families

love with all due respect, that’s quite a sweeping (and very sexist) generalisation which isn’t ‘proven’ and is untrue in many cases. Mums and dads become less important in their adult children’s lives for many reasons as it should be - but to point the finger of blame at the wives is ridiculous.

A difficult one this.

I feel your son is genuinely concerned about your health and feels the journey might be too much for you.

Our adult children are busy in a different way to what we were and family visits aren't as important to them as they were to us.

They are not more busy than we were, but they feel they are, as they spend time keeping up on social media over and above working.

I take it your doctor has no objections to you travelling so far away, as you say you have travelled with your work. If you haven't mentioned the matter to him or her, please do so. It might set your son's mind at rest if you tell him that you have run the idea of a visit to Canada past your GP and there are no health reasons to prevent your going.

If you can afford to do so, book a hotel or boarding-house near them and tell them that you have done so, because you realise they lead busy lives and you don't want to impose. Say, whether it is true or not, that you have always wanted to visit Canada and try to fit in a few days in Quebec, Montreal or Toronto - somewhere where they don't live.

Mention that you need a break now that your relationship has broken up. Personally, it sounds as if you did the right thing there.

But do try before you book to find out when or if it would suit them to see you, but make it clear that you don't' expect them to drop everything to entertain you.

And do remember health and travel insurance, plus an insurance against accidents, if you don't have one. If you do have any or all of these make absolutely certain they apply in Canada.

Magpie1959. I’ve always wondered what it would be like living in Saskachewan and now I know ! It sounds so romantic lol ! Glad I didn’t emigrate there by the sounds.
Lol

Coming as someone who actually lives in Canada and has visited the UK, I can agree that he's probably right that it's not how you imagine it.

Mind, I can't speak to the whole country, as I haven't visited all of it. But there are a few things I can tell you.

1) Canada is HUGE. As an example, the province where I live is 20% larger than FRANCE - and it's not even the largest province. Mind, though, our province has a smaller population than the city of London. Seriously. Consequently it's quite a drive to do things. We live about an hour from an urban center, and if you want to visit something scenic, it would be at least a 2-hour drive.

2) Our communities are a lot smaller. See my comment above. Stafford, for example, where my husband's family live, is about the size of the city near where I grew up. In my area, Stafford would be a city. You don't get nearly as many large metropolises in Canada as you do in the UK.

3) It's cold. And by that, I mean COLD. I grew up in a southern part of the country, and we STILL saw snow in every month except July, in the years that I lived there. (We didn't see snow 11 months of the year EVERY year, but we had seen snow in all of those months at some point over a 20-year period or so.) Where I live now, further north, we typically have snow for 6 months of the year, from October to April. I don't mean a little bit of snow. I mean HEAVY snow. I mean snow where you have to shovel your sidewalks, and scrape your car in the morning, and where you have to drive carefully because the risk of accidents is higher. If it gets below -20C the school has indoor recess for the children, and if it gets below -40C the buses don't run. (The school is still open, but a lot of parents don't send their children, as we are in a rural area and many of the children are bus students. Even if the town students went, they probably wouldn't do much, as so many of the children wouldn't be there.) Usually we get at least 1-2 days a year when the buses don't run.

It's VERY different from the UK. We also don't get as much vacation. I can't speak to every province, but in my province, you usually only get 2 weeks per year, 3 if you've been working for a certain number of years. That isn't much vacation. School vacations, at least in our district, are limited to 1 week in the fall, 2 weeks at Christmas, 1 week in the spring, and then the summer off, plus scattered long weekends. They simply may not have time to host you right now, not to mention that the weather may be getting poor before too long.

Where is the OP ?

It sounds as if either he doesn’t want you to be disappointed about where he lives, or he and his family feel very stressed. Why don’t you write and ask him? Just say I get the feeling this is difficult for you and I’d really like to understand why.

I totally agree with Tedber...book the flight and go... or you will never know. Your not getting any younger - so do it while you can...whats the worse thing that could happen? You end up
in a hotel and make the best of it..or you get to know your family better. I think they will love you...you sound like such a nice person.

I don’t think they want you over there, could be a number of reasons why, I would invite them to come to you

Auntydo,

The worst thing it can happen is the the son stops talking to the mother and even maybe involve the police

The worst thing it can happen is that any future visits are cancelled and there are irreparable harm in the relationship

When an adult says no, means no. What is so hard to understand? Respext between adults goes both ways

There is irreparable harm

Boys seem to have great difficulty saying what they actually want. This leads them to doing what their wives want.

If it were important, they’d use their words. “Boys” arent useless

I absolutely hate it that vile expression. It sets the mother-in-law up to view her daughter-in-law as an enemy from the very beginning. It’s extremely misogynistic

agNurse, sounds like Alberta lol

Boys seem to have great difficulty saying what they actually want. This leads them to doing what their wives want.

Boys aka men don't seem to have any issues conducting business, making deals and communicating at work.

When they cut the apron strings and launch out into the big bad world, they are NOT boys. They are men and if you persist in talking of them as boys, they might never develop an ability to think for themselves and express themselves. Mine are middle aged, partners and fathers. Their partners are my friends. OP's son is probably trying to be tactful, not to hurt her feelings. Perhaps he should try treating his mother as a grown-up!

ganmarj ?

Shelve your plans, there is something not right. It would be a lot on the DIL to have to entertain a guest as her husband is at work and kids at school. YIKES. I would as someone else has suggested offer to bring the grand-daughter over to see you (if you can afford it) See what happens. Shelve it for a while and suggest may early next year.

The saying that "guests, like fish, stink after three days" can sadly be very true. We can all be polite (just) to someone saying in our home for a very brief time but feeling as if you have to be your 'best self' in your own home for longer can be very stressful. Cost of entertaining, reduced privacy, changes to busy routines are an extra strain when people might only just be coping already. Perhaps it would be wise to re-think your ideas for a present for yourself and choose to do something else as a treat for yourself. Denman College the WI run learning centre is lovely, they do all sorts of courses and lots of single ladies attend so that you need never be lonely. Just an idea and no substitute for spending time with your grand-daughter but she may come to stay with you at some point. Look at expanding your friendship links here in this country. Every group you join will create an opportunity to make new friends.

It's a mystery. I have a sister in America who I've not seen for 5 years. We speak frequently and she says she's not well enough to come to the UK though desperate to see myself and our other sister here. Many times I've offered to visit her, staying in a nearby hotel but she's adamant that's not what she wants. I don't understand at all. I've seen her house when it was in the biggest muddle so it can't be that.
Sorry, I'm not helping your predicament. If you were in better health I would agree with the others and say surprise them, but if you do and are not well received it would be devastating. Good luck.

I have given up writing on threads where the OP does not respond at any point.
Perhaps Gransnet could highlight the further posts by the OP in green as is done on Mumsnet which makes it so much easier to follow what should be a conversation.

Good idea, Espee. Not having been a member of MN, I didn't know about