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3 times I’ve asked my son if I can visit him in Canada and 3 times he’s just put up problems

(148 Posts)
ganmaj Sun 08-Sep-19 16:02:26

It’s a long flight and 20 years ago I had a brain injury. So although I walk and talk normally enough, thankfully, my stamina is very low. Like a lot of brain injury survivors I havez Diverticulosis, so my diet is minimal and simple.
My daughter in law doesn’t work I just want to get to know my 10 year old granddaughter a bit. They’ve been away 11 years.
My son who I brought up alone, says things like it won’t be what you imagine’ were a very busy gamily’
You’ll have jet lag’ I have travelled all over the world with my work, would have taken out hefty health cover, and don’t expect to do anything other than what I do at home: sew, read, go for a walk have an afternoon rest. I am 74 and my 20 year relationship has come to an end, as I think my partner who has become abusives and aggressive, has dementia.
I’m sad about the ending of course, but I nursed him for 5 months with COPD to the detriment of my own health, and just had to on my doc’s advice look after myself first.
This hoped for holiday was to be my treat of a lifetime to myself.
I get on alright with my d-in-law
Any advice as to what’s really going on here it’s being presented to me as all there concern is my health and welfare.
Please be gentle with your replies. I’m very sensitive at the moment. Thank you

annodomini Tue 10-Sep-19 09:41:47

Why did the end of my post get cut off? Not that it matters - the gist is the same.

NotSpaghetti Tue 10-Sep-19 11:05:40

Where is ganmaj?

ReadyMeals Tue 10-Sep-19 11:23:15

In Canada, with any luck!

NotSpaghetti Tue 10-Sep-19 11:25:47

ReadyMeals ?

Lorelei Tue 10-Sep-19 13:21:52

My first thoughts were similar to some of the opinions already expressed by others. Maybe something is going on in their lives that would not be helped by having to entertain/host a visitor (of any kind). Maybe they have very busy lives and do not want or cannot afford to take time out of work. Perhaps your grandchild already has a full schedule and there may be a reason why they would find it difficult to relate to a grandmother they don't know / have never met before. It sounds like your son is making excuses but this is not necessarily because he is being unkind and doesn't want to see you - he may really be thinking of saving you a long trip and a lot of money for a holiday that may fail to live up to your expectations, to visit people that cannot be available to socialise, that may impact your health. Maybe there is also an element of fear that, if you did like it there, you might want to stay, or move in with them, or live nearby. Perhaps they are scared that if your health failed during your visit they'd be obliged to care for you or finance any medical bills. It is always hard to second-guess other people's reasoning but it does sound like they would rather you didn't visit. It might do more harm than good if you were to just turn up out of the blue, as such - if they are already reluctant this would potentially force their hand and could ruin any relationship you have at present. Sorry to say it but you might be better off trying to SKYPE or something rather than fly out. Perhaps you should consider setting your sights on a different 'holiday of a lifetime' - go somewhere else you'd like to visit, see something you've dreamed of, or just buy something you've always fancied having (or if you had money maybe set it aside for the grandchild with a letter saying how you wish you could've met them but that you wish them well for the future and hope this will benefit the life they choose etc). You could say you were sad that it wasn't possible to meet but ask your son and daughter-in-law for regular photos (either e-mailed digital images or physical photos posted to you) so that you can follow and feel a part of your grandchild growing up.

I agree with your doctor that it does sound as though you need to look after yourself - take care and I hope things work out for you and that, whatever happens, you can feel OK about life. Best wishes and good luck

blue60 Tue 10-Sep-19 16:46:30

I think you need to have an honest talk with him and ask the question directly. The answer may not be what you hope for, but at least you will know.

Bathsheba Tue 10-Sep-19 16:48:28

Yes, Petra, I reckon you're spot on. So glad I didn't take the trouble to give a long, considered, helpful reply hmm

BlueBelle Tue 10-Sep-19 16:52:02

ganmarj are you going to come back and talk to us
No point in going on giving advice or opinions if ganmarj has left the room

Almostemptynesty Sat 14-Sep-19 01:58:36

Ask them to visit you?

Hetty58 Sat 14-Sep-19 02:08:22

A made up post perhaps? Are we talking to ourselves?

Murphymycat Sat 14-Sep-19 02:19:15

I don’t think it is a good idea to “just go”, too many things can go wrong.

ganmaj Fri 14-Feb-20 13:21:32

It wasn’t a made up post. I was new to grand et and think I did something wrong that cut me off sorry. I have a brain injury and when I’m stressed I lose the plot. Thank you for the kind bits of advice. I don’t know why some post seem unkind? Or brusque? When it’s obvious someone is hurting being snide or riding roughshod over their feelings doesn’t help. But thank you for those posts which did.
I didn’t go.
They have left Canada now going to live in LA- so that’s really out of the question. No long flights with a brain injury!

ganmaj Fri 14-Feb-20 13:22:01

New to Grans net

Smileless2012 Fri 14-Feb-20 13:37:18

Hi ganmaj it was good of you to come back and update us but I'm sorry that you didn't get to spend time with your son and his family.

Long haul flights are arduous at the best of times so I can understand why long flights aren't an option for you. I hope that in the near future you'll be telling us that your son and his family are coming here to spend sometime with you.

Take careflowers

BlueSky Fri 14-Feb-20 14:23:12

Ganmay as my two sons and families live abroad I can sympathise and I can assume reading between the lines, that your DS has to put you off because of whatever reason your DiL has to object to your visit. Perhaps they could visit?

Callistemon Fri 14-Feb-20 14:37:04

ganmaj besides the long flight to LA which you very reasonably say is probably out of the question, there would also be the cost of travel insurance to the sStates with a pre-existing condition.

I hope they come to visit you and perhaps you can treat yourself to a holiday or two nearer to home now the decision has been taken out of your hands.

Someone I know who was widowed a while ago went on a Singles holiday to Greece and thoroughly enjoyed herself,even though she felt apprehensive at first.

Treat yourself!

Namsnanny Fri 14-Feb-20 15:16:09

ganmaj ... there will always be posters on GN that are as you put it 'brusque'. Its always the same opinions trotted out word for word by the same people.
Eventually you come to pass them over, and leave them to their bubble.

I'm glad you found the energy to come back and update us!
At least you've got an answer from your son, so your not left guessing.

Several people suggested asking him to come here
Could you volunteer to pay for the family to come for a visit? Or maybe contribute?
They dont have to stay with you.

Anyway what ever happens I wish you well for the future!

SparklyGrandma Fri 14-Feb-20 15:25:09

I would book a hotel nearby, or in a nearby town or city with things to do. Maybe I would book a trip for all 4 of you to do something they would like?

Also I might book a 3 day trip in the middle to somewhere nice in Canada, so it’s time out for all of you.

Just suggestions, good luck.

Bibbity Fri 14-Feb-20 15:37:43

Do you have Skype? You could speak to your GD as much as you both choose.

Do you mind saying where you live? Are there other modes of transport other than flying?

Do they ever come back to where you are?

MadFerretLady Tue 03-Mar-20 18:14:57

We too have family in Canada and lately we have taken to renting an Airbnb within walking distance of where they live. It gives us space, and then, but close enough. It has made a big difference and we spend time during the day in either home, entertaining and cooking, watching tv... it just makes it simpler than sharing limited space... and fun!

Sussexborn Wed 04-Mar-20 18:05:39

Perhaps the move to LA was on the cards but for some reason your son didn’t want to mention it. It seems to get more complicated once our children have partners who bring their own baggage with them.

Disappointing but we just have to learn to live our own lives and hope you can perhaps Skype your son and granddaughter as a way of keeping in touch.

paddyanne Wed 04-Mar-20 20:42:30

Ooeyisit you may have that wrong .My MIL is invited here on a reular basis ,she stays for a week at a time .IF it was left up to her son he wouln't see her as often,not because he doesn't love her but becuase he finds it hard to watch her getting old.He does call her at least 3 times a week but even that now really worries him as she repeats everything and only tells him bad news.Never assume your DIL is behind your lack of visits .My MIL is here because of me not in spite of and she depends on me to do alot of things for her she wouldn't ask her daughter to do.I really hate the horrible attitude to DIL's on here .I assume you were a DIL once?