What Would You Do

Thanks Chewbacca

I don't have contempt for my daughter at all Summerlove

lucyinthesky, I really feel for you. This generation (I include my own daughter in this) have quite a sense of entitlement. I do appreciate they have things harder than some previous generations (I don't include mine in this - we had it pretty hard too, no student grants / late-if-ever pensions) BUT the idea of doing without while they work their arses off in their youth to earn middle aged comfort, doesn't seem to occur to them.

I have to say though, she MUST understand that your hand will be forced soon, with BREXIT and that she's going to have to get used to sharing for half the year because you'll have no other option. Better to compromise and get to pay a very minimal cost for a lovely shared London flat than to have to move out into a bedsit.

Why is it necessary for your partner to be up and dressed? You say he is asleep when she comes through.

Why does it matter if he sees her walk to the en-suite in a dressing gown?

Perhaps I've missed something.

In your position, I'd ask her these questions.

I've been reading this with interest and was about to chip in with my penn'th but things are nicely resolved for the time being.
Every situation changes in time and nothing lasts forever.
I did think there was more going on than meets the eye.
ie Her new boyfriend.
your DP whose presence DD resents?.
you paying more than her yet she lives there all the time.
The shower was the last straw?
I hope the visit goes well.

You seem to have a lot of contempt for your daughter

I didn't get that impression, at all, from any of Lucy's posts. . I got the impression that she's trying her best to find an arrangement that suits everyone.

You seem to have a lot of contempt for your daughter.

Sounds like it’s time to end these living arrangements

Many thanks Eloethan for your measured response

UPDATE Thanks to the sensible suggestions I emailed DD with the option of possibly having a shower in the bathroom (no mention of who pays, yet!) this is her reply

Oh wow, that's a good idea. Ok I will try to have evening showers and wash my hair using the handheld shower in the mornings.

Result! I'll be taking the next step re DP and me spending more time in London soon ;-)

bluebelle You say: "I think you’re lucky she can adapt to your visits as much as I loved my mum and dad I wouldn’t have wanted them turning up every few weeks/months".

The flat belongs to lucyinthesky. She paid the mortgage and is paying most of the bills on it too. Her daughter, who is 34 years old - not a vulnerable teenager - lives in her mother's flat at a greatly reduced rent.

In London she would have to be earning a very good salary to be able to afford a self-contained flat, ie not sharing living areas, kitchen and possibly shower/wc, with other tenants. I bet there are a lot of people who would be only too happy to "tolerate" such a situation as lucy's daughter, in exchange for a comfortable flat at a much cheaper rent, with no fear of maintenance issues being left untended or being chucked out with little notice.

I think it is totally unreasonable of lucy's daughter to expect her mother's partner to be showered and dressed before 8 a.m. just because she won't use the handheld shower in the bathroom for a few weeks. She obviously doesn't realise how fortunate she is.

Lucyinthesky I think you are being more than reasonable about this issue. I hope the provision of a shower in the bathroom settles the matter for you all.

humpty No I don't get single person's allowance on council tax as we are both registered as living there. Always have been.

Good idea sussex but I think in the interim I will mention that the morning shower time isn't working for any of us especially as she now has a boyfriend who sometimes stays over (and I don't want to upset that applecart as she's not had a meaningful relationship for a long time) so I'm getting a quote for a proper shower for the bathroom.

Meanwhile as it is only for a few days (!) could she please have a shower in the evening or use the bathroom in the morning instead.

Finally a discussion about the future ...

lucyinthesky I'm curious about cauncil tax, do you get the 25% single occupant discount? If so, and you intend to 'live' in the flat, ypou will have to pay the full amount, and need to factor that in too.

doodledog so do I. Meanwhile I've texted my builder to ak him to give me a quote for the shower in the bathroom.

Would it help to write down the various options and give them to her saying that you need to have a talk at an appointed time and that you would be happy to hear any suggestions she might have.

No good deed goes unpunished springs to mind!

That's the crux of the matter, then.

I hope you can navigate this without alienating your daughter.

Absolutely right it is not just about the shower arrangement.

BlueBelle I really have to disagree with you about Paris being my home. It's really not. Most of my clothes, books and other possessions are in London! It is not just a flat to stay in.

I want to spend far more time in London with my family and friends but am unable to do so because my DD doesn't like my DP spending much time there.

So I'll be talking to her about her future plans based on mine being in London much more next year than previously.

Well then it’s not working
I still don’t consider a child renting my house because I m living elsewhere as a boomerang child
I think you are both similar, she wants cheap rent but her own space all year round ... you want to live overseas but come back whenever it’s convenient to you and it’s just not working

Its a half way solution that suits neither of you completely I can see both sides but to be honest once you rent somewhere out whether it’s cheap or expensive you can’t really call it your home It’s your house but your home is where you ve chosen to live and that appears to be in Paris

What do you think should happen, lucyinthesky?

As I said, I don't really think that this is about the shower.

I think you should lay the options open to her, use the existing bathroom, pay for the shower, or find somewhere else to stay. I think really she now considers herself to be the occupant as you have left her there for so long. She's really just staking a claim on the territory. You should probably re-establish yourself, as you are largely subsidising her accommodation. Stay there as much as you want, rather than being her guest. Also point out that the shower is out of bounds until you are both up and dressed.

But what is 'a few times'? 5 times? That is roughly 10% of the time. exactly - this is not a lot of time at all. DP comes over 4 -5 times a year max. I am home more often as beside DD I have another DD and 2 DGS to see as well as other family and friends.

I anticipate being home more than I have been in the past and need to let DD know so she can plan too, perhaps to move out over the next six months.

But what is 'a few times'? 5 times? That is roughly 10% of the time.

I think you want it both ways, TBH. To give your daughter a place to live relatively cheaply, (so helping her out) but also to feel that it is your home and she is the guest.

What do you think should happen?

GoneGirl I will be having serious talks with DD about her future living arrangements.

We need to plan what happens in the Brexshit situation anyway and she needs to know that I will in effect be living in the flat for 180 days a year, many of them with DP!

Why I wish she would tell me to stick the flat where the sun don't shine LOL problem would be solved!

Hetty58 no she doesn't have gym membership. I suspect we will have similar problems with a shower over the bath - it's not always a simple process as some think.

why I'm not being unfair. She pays a very low rent (less than a lodger would let alone full marke price) and I pay majority of bills (including council tax) If she wasn"t there I would live in the flat far more than I currently do. DP and I do not stay often and he's usually only there for a week a few times a year.

crystaltipps I shall be costing out the extra shower. She does already sometimes have a shower in the evening but that often turns in o a very late evening one when we are already in bed!

I think she has a cheek! She's got a lovely London flat with cheap rent for most of the year. Does she have gym membership? My sons used to shower at the gym on their way to work when eight of us lived here. There was a queue for the power shower and no, the shower over the bath wasn't used - as it was fed from a tank (not the mains) it was deemed not strong enough in flow!

She rents it from you and pays you so why do you think you can stay there just when you want??? If I was you then I would go and stay somewhere else when your bloke comes here to stay. You are being so unfair in expecting her to fit around you. If I was her I would tell you to stick the flat where the sun doesn't shine! Why should she have to pussy foot around you, especially him so that she can have a shower in her own flat. You are being unfair!