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What Would You Do

(129 Posts)
lucyinthesky Mon 09-Sep-19 10:24:29

Sorry in advance for longish post but don't want to dripfeed. This is really a WWYD as I would welcome advice. This is rather a first world problem I know but it is affecting my relationship with my DD and OH.

For the at 10 years since my divorce I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there and DD2 (34 years old) whose job is in London lives in the 2 bed flat I own there. She pays rent, buys all her own food, does her laundry etc. So far so good.

My OH comes over to London a few times a year usually for a week but longer in the summer hols and Xmas. He and DD rub along well enough but DD is so used to living alone that she finds it difficult when he stays.

We have a separate bathroom but the only shower is in the ensuite in my bedroom. DD insists on a shower every morning before work (around 7.30 - 8.00) when we are still asleep. She doesn't disturb us but she is now asking me to 'make sure OH is up/dressed in the mornings' so she can have her shower!


tanith Mon 09-Sep-19 10:35:39

Well if it were me I’d tell her to have her shower in the evening or maybe arrange to have an over the bath shower fitted in her bathroom. Or simply swop rooms.

M0nica Mon 09-Sep-19 10:36:29

Put a bath shower mixer on the bath in the bathroom and she need not come into your room to have a shower.

However, were it me I would not let her 'insist' that she has a shower every morning in the ensuite to the bedroom I was sleeping in. You have a perfectly good bathroom she can use when you stay. It is not that often. You could sweeten this by allowing her to live rent free when you and your partner at the flat.

But, I would just install the bath shower mixer as described above and then she can shower in the bathroom.

Gonegirl Mon 09-Sep-19 10:40:44

I think it's absolutely diabolical that you think you can stay in the flat that is her home! She pays rent for it for goodness sake. Go as guests if she invites you, but you can't have your cake and eat it. ie rent and a handy place to stay in London.

It would be a different matter if she lived there rent free.

glammanana Mon 09-Sep-19 10:41:11

Can you not arrange to swap bedrooms when your friend comes to stay then your DD will have early access to the en-suite,that will make things easy I'm sure.

Gonegirl Mon 09-Sep-19 10:43:32

Your post doesn't make it clear where you spend most of your time. In Paris I take it?

Doodledog Mon 09-Sep-19 10:45:36

I'm not sure that your daughter should make a lot of allowances when she is paying rent to live there. If she rented from a non-family member she wouldn't have to change her schedule to accommodate their stays.

Ah, I've just had a thought - do you live there with your daughter when you aren't in Paris? If so, that's a bit different, as the shower is effectively 'yours'. Would it work if you and your daughter swapped rooms (given that (a) you spend most of your time abroad) and (b) she pays rent, so that the en suite was in her room. You and your partner could then use the bathroom, and your daughter's routine wouldn't be affected.

Daisymae Mon 09-Sep-19 10:46:03

Surely she uses the en-suite during most of the year? If so it makes sense for you to use the other room, especially as she is renting it from you? I assume that she's paying a below market value rent - otherwise you need to find somewhere else to stay.

FlexibleFriend Mon 09-Sep-19 11:21:47

Swapping bedrooms seems the obvious choice to me.

Sara65 Mon 09-Sep-19 11:24:39

Yes, swap rooms

Callistemon Mon 09-Sep-19 11:44:21

If she's renting the flat then she is the tenant and I wonder why you assume that you can take over when you visit? Unless, of course, the bedroom with the ensuite is not part of the tenancy agreement? In which case you need to provide her with a separate shower.

lucyinthesky Mon 09-Sep-19 11:50:46

GoneGirl Sorry I didn't make it clear in my original post but the flat is MY home. I paid the mortgage on it, pay most of the bills and she pays a much lower rent than if I was a landlord.

Ah, I've just had a thought - do you live there with your daughter when you aren't in Paris? If so, that's a bit different, as the shower is effectively 'yours'. THIS

DD doesn't use my ensuite bedroom when I'm not there other than to use the shower. She makes up in the bathroom (which is a larger room) and prefers her own bedroom, which is also larger than mine, in any case, so she doesn't want to swap bedrooms.

I would spend more time in my own flat if she wasn't there, tbh but this is the problem with the boomerang generation. I want to help her so she doesn't have to pay an extortionate rent elsewhere but she has got used to living in the flat as a single person.

There is already a handheld shower in the main bathroom but she doesn't consider it a proper shower! I can't afford the cost of putting an overhead one in there too.

Fiachna50 Mon 09-Sep-19 11:51:47

Being honest (and if you can afford it). Stay somewhere else. Mind you for various reasons I hate staying with family or friends, much prefer my own space and usually stay in a Travelodge or hotel if visiting. Since your daughter does pay rent to stay and does have to be up early for work, she should be given priority. You need to chat with her about this and if needs be, explain you would both find it easier to stay elsewhere.

jaylucy Mon 09-Sep-19 11:53:48

I have just re read your post - that you spend most of your time in France. In that case,and the fact that your daughter rents the flat from you, why does she not use the room with ensuite as her own ? After all, it is her home .
If the other bedroom is hers, get a shower attachment for the bath.
Still confused as to why this is an issue now, if you have been seeing this guy for the past 10 years!

ninathenana Mon 09-Sep-19 11:57:53

Swapping rooms would seem the answer but maybe the room daughter uses is not big enough for OP and partner to sleep in. In which case installing an over bath shower would be the answer. Maybe you and DD could share the cost.
As you spend most of your time in France and DD pays rent then it is effectively her flat IMHO

Callistemon Mon 09-Sep-19 12:00:25

Showers don't cost that much.

It's worth installing a decent one over the bath to save all this hassle.

Davidhs Mon 09-Sep-19 12:13:46

My hand held shower head also has a rail to hold it higher to have a full shower, fit a rail for the shower head over he bath.
She is being unreasonable

cornergran Mon 09-Sep-19 12:17:59

I can see both sides I think Lucy. Your second post makes it sound more like an adult child sharing what is your home and paying a nominal 'rent', rather than her renting a flat share from you at something close to market rates no matter how much time you spend there.

Your daughter is clear she doesn't want to use the room that has the en suite and also that she is uncomfortable using the en suite if your partner is in the adjoining bedroom. I'm not fishing here but I wonder if she may be embarrassed to see her Mum share a bed? Might your partner have said or done something to make her uncomfortable? I assume she's perfectly happy to use the shower when you are there alone?

It must be as hard for her to share the space in the flat as it seems it is getting to be for you. Does she have overnight guests when you are there or does she feel uncomfortable about that? You both need your own space.

It occurs to me that if you share your partners home in France there may be nowhere that feels truly 'yours'. Also that you kept the flat for a reason, perhaps to feel more secure but if the flat was retained simply to give your daughter a home then perhaps thats what is must be and when you come to the UK you either stay as her guest or in a hotel.

If you feel the need to keep a UK base that is yours that's different. Living between two countries isn't easy, neither is sharing two homes. I wonder now if your partner's home in France is still very much 'his' rather than a shared home. I'm sorry, I've asked a lot of questions, feel free to ignore them.

You ask what would we do. I truly can't be certain but I think a conversation with my daughter would be top of the list to better understand her concerns about using the shower, I'd also be talking to my partner to understand how he feels about it. If your daughter plans to be in the flat for some months or perhaps years to come there has to be a compromise of some sort. I wish you well, its a complex situation.

Daisymae Mon 09-Sep-19 12:30:23

Well in that case get her to pay for a shower to be installed in the other bathroom. They are not overly expensive. If she not happy then maybe suggest it's time to fly the nest.

SalsaQueen Mon 09-Sep-19 12:38:38

Since you spend most of your time in Paris, and your daughter lives (and pays you rent for) in your London place, I'd say you should find somewhere else to stay

BlueBelle Mon 09-Sep-19 12:50:46

I m not sure I understand where you live You say you spend most of your time in Paris and yet say you would spend more time in London if she wasn’t living in Paris ?
Your partner comes to England a few times a year for a week ish at a time so presumable you always come with him ? So what’s that a month a year Six weeks a year ?
I don’t think it’s got anything at all to do with a boomerang generation
You daughter works and lives in London
You have an empty (of people) home in London
You live in Paris
Your partner has a home and you live with him in Paris
Makes total sense to rent to your daughter that’s not a boomerang child
What would you do with the flat if your daughter didn’t use it would it lay empty most of the year or would you rent it out ?
I don’t think your daughter is being unreasonable even if she’s paying a lower rate than average it is her home for the majority of the time I think you’re lucky she can adapt to your visits as much as I loved my mum and dad I wouldn’t have wanted them turning up every few weeks/months
Put a shower in the other bathroom I have one on the taps but it has a fixture on the wall so it’s NOT hand held it costs about a fiver to put the fixture up and a shower curtain
All solved

lucyinthesky Mon 09-Sep-19 12:59:35

showers don't cost all that much I'm going to get it costed out but the room is fully tiled and I'm not sure that the water pressure is high enough. It's not as cheap an option always.

DD prefers her own bedroom which is larger than mine with the ensuite. She isn't changing rooms and TBH why should either of us go through the upheaval of doing so, moving all th e stuff and clothes etc just so she can have a shower in the morning?

She uses the bathroom more than i do as she puts he rmakeup on in there. The esnuite is only for a shower and there is a handhed one on the bath anyway.

There is no way I'm going to pay to stay in a hotel every time i come home with my DP just so she can have a shower in the mornings - that is beyond ridiculous. It is my home, I paid the mortgage on it and most of the bills.

Sorry to sound angry but other than paying for a second shower this isn't easy to resolve. It ends up with me paying money I can ill afford.

lucyinthesky Mon 09-Sep-19 13:07:48

BueBelle Makes total sense to rent to your daughter that’s not a boomerang child it has everything to do with her being part of the boomerang generation she's 34 and doesn't earn enough for a mortgage and rents in London are ridiculously high even in a house share.

My flat would not lay empty if she wasn't there - it is my home and I would be more than happy to spend more time there than I do currently. I do not need to rent it out (although the money would come in handy) it is my home. And I am 'turning up' at MY OWN HOME!

DP and I would definitely spend more time in London if she wasn't living in my flat. In any case we have a potential problem due to Brexshit in that I will only be able to spend max 180 days in Paris at his home, so him being able to live in London the rest of the time is paramount in the future.

As for a new shower see my post above. I will investigate it but am not certain it will work without costing a lot more money than you seem to think.

crystaltipps Mon 09-Sep-19 13:08:22

When you are both in residence she doesn’t use your shower has a quick spray over with the handheld shower in the bath - we’ve all done it.
Cost out getting a shower put over the bath and split the cost.

crystaltipps Mon 09-Sep-19 13:10:58

She has a shower in the evening before you go to bed- then a quick freshen up in her own bathroom in the morning.