Recipricocity

My family is distant, and we have tended away from sending cards in the mail. We text or phone each other on birthdays now. We also do not send gifts after children turn 18, so I have only one nephew left that receives a gift. They have reciprocated with the same rule, and find it a relief really, since children have reached adulthood.

My husband's family is in town, and we tend to give a card and lottery ticket, but we actually drop by for a visit on birthdays. My dear hubby is more sentimental than I am and remembers all his friend's birthdays, and will remind me of my friends'! Even those that are distant; he will remind me to give so-and-so a call this week because her birthday is marked on the calendar.

Personally I think it goes back to the remembrance of the event, and not a gift exchanged. Some people are better gift-finders than others and I'm afraid I struggle with it sometimes.

My stepdaughter never sends a gift to her father (I don't mind if she forgets me). If she sends a card it's always a week later. She lives over 200 miles from us so we don't see her too often but we did meet up on dh's actual birthday once and not even a card was produced.

Just send a nice card perhaps saying something like "To A Special SIL" difficult for anyone to get the hump then.

You are obviously sending things because you want to. Cannot understand why, when they don't acknowledge receiving them or send anything for your birthdays.

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I love this email but have problems with all the abbreviations, could someone give a a list of all the most common ones . I appreciate it makes the posts shorter but sometimes I don’t know who’s who ??. I used to send presents and card mostly with not even an acknowledgement, I’ve given up. Much cheaper and less upsetting.

Cards and/or gifts should be sent if you want to send them and NOT because you expect others to do the same in return. Nobody is under any obligation to do so, after all. In our family, we only bother for children. Siblings will get a birthday text message or phone call. Some people appreciate cards (I don't as they're environmentally unfriendly and completely useless), others like presents or money (I'm just embarrassed by them), or flowers (allergic).
Why expect a 'return'? it's just childish!

mimismo,
It is irritating indeed when a gift or card is not acknowledged for quite a while after it is given.

I had the same issue with one of my sisters. She would never acknowledge that I had sent her something and I would have to give her a ring a few weeks down the line to see if she had received it. I found it very rude that she didn't acknowledge having received it and that I would have to ring.

But, the icing on the cake with regard to rudeness was finding out that she had sold tickets that I had given her and her husband for a concert. Weeks after the show I had to ask if she received the tickets and enjoyed the performance. A second time I had to ask her. Finally she replied that they didn't go.

Her taste in concerts and shows was the same as mine so I knew she and her husband would enjoy this particular one. They had sold the tickets because they felt that going to London to see the concert was too far! I was livid because the tickets were expensive. My husband nearly hit the roof. Needless to say I gave her a piece of my mind as did my elderly parents. She stopped speaking to me for a very long time. I never sent her or her husband another gift.

YABU

You wrote
"I've known my husband for nearly 30 years and he has never (well - hardly ever) received a birthday card from my brother/sister in law."

So why being indignant now? They just did what they have been doing for nearly 30 years.

The old saying “don’t give to receive” springs to mind! If the lack of reciprocation bothers you then don’t do it!

Sounds like she has never been any different so why expect her to start now?

My sister and I exchange cards and presents too, and she sends to my children and grandchild.

I love buying birthday cards and presents for my 2 nephews, their wives and 5 children. They do thank me but I’m lucky if I receive even a text on my birthday and it really doesn’t matter.

I'd stop.
Me and my Sister give each other money for our birthdays, plus for each other's husband's birthdays, plus our adult children's. It doesn't mean we can't be bothered to buy presents, it just means that we can buy what we want. It's practical, not ridiculous!

Sending money is much the same as asking someone what they'd like as a present. A present in our family is something you'd like but wouldn't buy yourself, because it's perceived as an extravagance eg theatre ticket or a silk scarf when a cheaper one would suffice.

You are not being unreasonable in your terms mimismo but I do wonder how, in all these years, you haven't yet realised that people are vastly different and they simply don't react or function as you do.

There would be a lot less indignation and angst in this world if humans realised that and made allowances for it.

I think I am in a minority here. I dont like receiving gifts, or money, and I would much prefer not to get either. There is nothing I need and if I do need anything I would mostly rather buy it myself. I find it embarrassing and upsetting when I am given gifts, because either I need to reciprocate and thus set up a perpetual cycle, or I have to explain I would rather not receive anything and potentially annoy the giver. About five years ago I managed to get the family to agree to stop all presents for anyone who is adult, plus I try to head off anyone else by specifically mentioning a birthday or anniversary and requesting no gifts. I am sorry if this point of view upsets anyone, but I do think I am entitled to say no if no is actually what I genuinely mean. I also believe a gift should be just that. A gift. With no expectation of reciprocation other than a thank you.

Just cut back to a card.
My eldest granddaughter is now 18. I wish I had the nerve to stop giving her gifts i.e Money or tokens,( especially as I never get a thank you) but I can’t give to her brother and her parents and not to her. Maybe at 21?

I am like Granzi I rather enjoy nice cards. I was in a charity shop last week and bought five different cards that were exactly right for several people I know and I did like the cards.

One is intended for a relative who never sends me anything.I hope she will like it but if not that is not my fault.

Isn't it so aggravating when people are like this? I have a relative to whom I have sent cards and presents for years and have never had a thank you. My OH gets really angry and tells me to stop, but the mother of this relative sends my children gifts and is the kindest and sweetest individual - so in a sense I do it for her. I am sorely tempted to send the ungrateful one a pack of 'thank you' cards next year.

It depends on whether you give to receive, or if you give because you just want the recipient to have what you send.

Personally, I wouldn't mark an adult's birthday with cash. If I wanted to mark the occasion, I would choose a gift.

Otherwise, a card is sufficient for an adult

Don’t send anymore, no cards or gifts.

as I think it's the Christian thing to do ?
??

We always exchange cards and for special birthdays a small present. However in your circumstances I’d have packed this in long since.

In Spain, yes

I don't think you should send them any more money or even cards.
For those who can't understand why adults would give adults money, in my experience it's so that you have some cash to spend on yourself on what you want. If you have plenty of money I don't suppose it's an issue, but when you don't have any spare cash it's a lovely feeling to just go out and treat yourself.