Feeling hurt and confused

If her security is that much of a risk then she shouldn’t be on Facebook!!!!

Well, I do think it could pose a risk, chatting about too much.

A couple of members on here have been recognised, and one had trouble caused for them in their 'real life', so it seems it is a possibility.

Shes an unhappy woman for sure. But you arent the root cause!!!!.
You are just getting caught in the cross fire.
Stand down, give her some space. This will play out in time. I suspect shes not going to be in your family long term.
Stay cordial, dont initiate contact, communicate only via your son. Do not feed her demons. Stay on your high ground and the next time she reprimands or undermimes you; dont roll over. Ask her if she feels better for speaking to you disrespectfully.
Shes behaving like an opinionated bully who is probably a nightmare to work with and doesnt know how to transition into respectful family life.
Oh....And talk to your husband. You need his support, yes it may come with a bollocking but lm sure it will be worth it. All the best.

‘can also see that if she has a high flying job she might want to have time by herself to unwind and not to have to mix socially.’

Please don’t misunderstand me. I have no expectations of her mixing socially at all. In fact, the only expectation I have, is a little kindness when, for whatever reason, we are together. I have to watch everything I say which is exhausting. I worked in London for thirteen years and during that time I made friends with people from all over the world who had come to work in England. We called ourselves the League of Nations. As we’re now all over the globe, we tend to stay in touch via Facebook and she told my husband she thought it was very dangerous my communicating with people ‘she doesn’t really know’ - her words not mine and not bothering to ask me how I know people who live in South Africa, for example. She told him that my friendships could ‘compromise her security’. I can’t explain more because the nature of her profession does carry some risks, but my chatting to old workmates on Facebook about their new grandchild or husband’s new job is hardly high risk, surely?

I was very surprised then, when, a couple of months ago, out of the blue, she spoke to me when my son had phoned - he said she wanted a word which was unusual to say the least - to say it would be lovely to have a dinner, somewhere nice, with us, my stepsons and their families to celebrate both her and my son’s fortieth birthdays.

I leave any suggestions of visits up to them because I’d hate to be seen as a ‘hover mother’ who won’t let go and I really do try not to be a nuisance in any way, but as other people have observed, sometimes I feel that whatever I do, I’m wrong.

So sorry your dog died in such tragic circumstances Deepblue. .Could you see your way to adopt another dog when you are ready? So many animals are languishing in rescue centres waiting for their new best friend to take them home.

She is who she is, and you are who you are.
Neither is wrong, so I wouldn't bother to try so hard.

It probably irritates her, and it upsets you, so best to leave things as they are.

How horrible for you deepblue, if that happened to my dog, I would be distraught. Loosing animals when they’re old is hard enough, but a freak accident like that would be awful.
Like everyone else has said, I’d take a step away from your sons partner, don’t follow her on face book, and don’t contact her. You don’t need her in your life, just keep in touch with your son. Some people are just toxic and best avoided.

I think some partners are jealous of the relationship their other halves have with their Mothers, no matter how high-flying they are. They somehow see them as a threat, because they don't feel fully 'in control'. No matter what you do, or how kind you are it will never be good enough. I fell fowl to excitedly posting pics of my first grandchild on fb, didn't ask first as my Son (the child's uncle) had done the same a few days earlier. Except I was the one who got put in my place and told not to do it again thank you very much. I would say don't take it personally, but it is personal I'm afraid. You just need to develop broad shoulders, don't turn it into a war and know her behaviour says a lot more about her than it does you x

I am always amazed that people think that they should get on with their in-laws!
We all have different upbringings, expectations, ways of behaving etc. What one person thinks is insufferable bad manners another considers to be high jinks and perfectly ok. i have experience of that !It can be difficult enough coping with expectations from a partner without having to consider what in-laws expect. We all complain about our husbands and their funny little ways don't we? And I do find that expectations for DIL can sometimes be really unrealistic.

I am not saying you are wrong BTW , but I can also see that if she has a high flying job she might want to have time by herself to unwind and not to have to mix socially. I know I did.
I don't do Facebook for exactly this reason, things are often taken out of context and cause more problems.

I agree with 25Avalon, I think your DIL has issues and they could very well be connected to your closeness to your son. You sound a lovely sensitive lady and I am sorry, but to me your DIL sounds awful. I really don't get why she would be incensed that you put a poem regarding losing a pet on FB? However, if she had not posted on FB that they had lost their dog, and your poem was the first mention of it, then that is a different matter. I would agree with other members, be polite, don't contact her directly unless it is an emergency, don't discuss her with your son and carry on meeting him for lunch and definitely stop apologising!

Grapel - that sounds awful for you! Certainly puts my problems into perspective. I think the one think my son’s partner can never achieve, and is at least sensible enough not to even try, would be to cause a rift between me and my son.

I don’t see a lot of him and don’t expect to. He’s busy with his own life and that’s exactly how it should be. My mum used to say children are like birds. You must teach them to fly and then let them go, and that’s what I’ve tried to do.

He meets me for lunch when I’m in his city, usually every month or so and it’s always lovely to see him, and I’m quite content with that as long as he’s okay and happy, which he clearly is.

Please stop beating yourself up. You have bent over backwards to be kind to your dil. You can do no more. Your DH finds her difficult so it's not just you. At the moment because you are grieving for your beautiful dog for which You have my heartfelt sympathy, you are going to react a bit more emotionally and be more hurt by your dil's attitude when in the circumstances she should be kinder to you.
I do wonder if she is jealous of your relationship with your AS and feels insecure and threatened as a consequence which might explain some of her behaviour. Your AS and you have always been close and understandably so following the tragic loss of your first DH. He knew how you felt about dear doggy and came straight to comfort you. Does he do the same for your dil? Maybe she doesn't like him meeting up with you without her.
There is nothing you can do about this situation and you are not to blame. To protect yourself you need to step back from dil, give her space, but always be your usual kind self when you meet. If she doesn't come to the family event then that is up to her, but she does sound a very unhappy lady. If anything feel sorry for her.

I think this is a complicated painful situation - your much loved son is living with someone who makes you feel bad and you keep trying and trying to make it work. You think about it, it is hard to ignore even though that may be the best “strategy”. I think she does know she is hurtful. She may be conflicted about it but she knows. Maybe she is finding herself hard to like? She is 40? A crossroads time for a woman - to be a mother, or not. I wonder whether there is an issue playing out between them? I wonder what it is your son loves in her, likes about being together, a couple? Does he have doubts about the partnership, has his early loss of father influenced him to avoid the loss of separation? Anyway, enjoy your son, best not to criticise his partner to him but to be open to exploring how he feels? Good luck, take care of yourself.

I certainly feel you are trying to be helpful, but feel the time has come to concentrate on yourself and your own feelings, otherwise you could lose your son. This has happened to me . The old saying “ A daughters a daughter for all of her life ... a son is a son til he gets a wife “ is just so true I’ve found. My son has a new partner ( the best friend of his ex ... who he’d been very happy with for 20 years ) .... and to be honest he’s besotted and anything she says goes. I never see him, he’s not in touch, she deletes my messages to him and she’s alienated other close family members. He just doesn’t see it. He’s never been good with money and I’m afraid he’s living the High life and I’ve spent the last two years ( my husband died two years ago ) worrying. It’s affected my health too. However, I was given good advice saying that I’d done my best, he’s not a young boy ( late forties ) and it’s time I started to look after myself. It’s not been easy, I still am very hurt, but I realise that my life is going along way too quickly ... and am now trying to concentrate on my own life. I do hope you can solve this, but you do need to think about yourself. I agree so much with JennyB ... unfortunately my dil won’t be going anywhere fast , I know she’s in it for what she can get out of it !

FB is indeed a minefield, as I recently discovered to great emotional cost, and I've been on it for years with no problems! Something I naively posted (and shouldn't have) on one of my FB pages was seized upon by my son's wife who really dislikes me. Neither of them is a routine FB user, and this was on a professional page which I'd assumed would interest neither. Lesson painfully learnt.

Once again, so many wise words! Thank you everyone who has so kindly taken time to respond to me. The main thing, of course, is that my son is happy, so I suppose it doesn’t matter what she thinks of me.

My husband, wise man, has never warmed to her. Being a man ‘of a certain age’ he has remarked in the past that he thinks there is something disconnected in her brain. I’ve always defended her to him but despite him not having the best way to talk about anybody, I’m beginning to think he has a point.

My son is lovely. He’s a very kind man and rarely speaks badly about anyone. When my Taggart, my dog, died, I was a complete mess. I was out on my own with him and he had run across the fields, something he’d done hundreds of times, with his ball in his mouth. He didn’t come when I called him which was unusual so I walked back looking for him. I found him dead with the ball wedged in his throat. It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever experienced. We’d only been out for no more than twenty minutes and my happy, crazy, beautiful dog was dead. My husband phoned to tell my son what had happened and he just dropped everything to come over to us. Life hasn’t always been kind to him. Clearly it wasn’t ever so easy for him growing up with two older stepbrothers- one of whom was pretty horrible to him. Sadly, he doesn’t remember his father but he was very close to my mum who died when he was eighteen and had just left home for university and thankfully he and my husband have a great relationship. Then his first partner who he met at university, suddenly after five years announced she was lesbian and left him for a girlfriend. She also left him to pay for the contract on their flat which they had just renewed.

Sorry! I’m starting to ramble, but basically to say I’d never do anything to cause him any pain and I absolutely don’t want him to be a pig in the middle between me and his partner. So! I’ll sit on my hands, keep my mouth shut, and as so many of you have advised, keep my distance from his partner.

Once again, thank you. Offloading on here is helpful for sure and makes me put a bit of perspective on this.

You sound a very kind lady and a great mother in law, she doesn’t sound that nice to be honest,not being very nice when your sons not there, whether you buy pedigree dogs is none of her business you buy what you want, your money your choice very opinionated isn’t she! I would be civil but keep my distance, you’ve tried with her but she obviously has her own reasons for not being that nice to you, such a kind thing to do to give them an oil painting , wish you was my mother in law I had the mother in law from hell lol

Sounds like she has some issues . Perhaps you could speak to your son on the quiet about it . At least you know where not put your foot in again .

You say she's not so bad with you when your son is around, which immediately made me wonder why you're spending time with her when your son's not around. I think in your position I'd immediately restrict all contact with her to times when you are seeing them as a couple. It's fairly clear she's not interested in having a friendship with you, so just see her when you have to due to it being a whole family or couples occasion.

My sympathies Deepblue, I have had similar responses from my soon to be ex dil, for the last 10 years. No shows, usually met with sigh of relief from me, no thanks for weekly childcare of our much loved grandson and rudeness and bad tempered outbursts. The divorce is all my fault it seems as we bought up our son so badly and not due to her terrible temper and dislike of his new working environment- just outside Venice. I keep quiet still as we want contact with our lovely grandson. Moral is sometimes mils can be awful but sometimes dils can be awful too.

Just to say that regarding phone calls and texts you are not alone.by any means. I no longer ring my DDand SIL’ s landline as they never answer it. Frequently I get no answer to text messages ,especially if I have asked a question . Phoning on mobile is the only chance of a conversation and then my 5 year old DGD often interrupts! Bless her! When we do meet we are fine.

Don’t beat yourself up, Deepblue, you did the best you could in an awkward situation and crucially, you were coming from a good and genuine place. I think, carry on being your usual pleasant self but don’t over-compensate. You are not responsible nor to blame for her attitude and tendency to be easily offended. Remember you are not responsible for how she reacts.

as said you sound lovely. Some
people are awful.toxic etc, because you are nice you are affected more, than someone for example like her!
I would keep my distance ,your son has made his choice of partner.The gift of the oil painting was lovely.......

as

You sound lovely. Some people are just impossible to please and it doesn't seem you have done anything to warrant her rudeness and unpleasantness. As other PPs have said, don't try and win her round. Just be pleasant, caring at a slight distance, for the sake of your own sanity.

So sorry to hear about your dog - they are a part of the family, very sad. ❤️