Selfish????

I`m not making excuses up for him as I think he`s not the friend he thought he was.
I feel for the man that passed away,he must have wondered why his mate didn`t visit.
I hope he remembers this if he is ever poorly.
Hope your toe is improving and just out of interest ,did you do it giving your husband a kick up the backside ?.

I agree annep1 they aren't easy people to live with, and having some in my family adds to my frustration!

To add, most of us are emotionally flawed in some way or another.
What's important I think, is to listen to others and try a little bit now and again. I know I appreciate it when others just try.

You may not accept it Namsnanny but some people are emotionally flawed. Its not a matter of being selfish. Their brain just doesn't function normally where feelings are concerned. It's not easy to live with.

My Mother was ill and in a nursing home for 8 years before she died. Her brother, Keith, was a 10 minute drive away but on average he only visited once a year!
My mother was terribly hurt by his selfishness and I admit I have never been able to forgive him for it.
He wanted to foot the bill for lunch after the funeral. (He liked to impress that way) so I booked a table at an expensive hotel.
When asked what she'd like to drink a niece of my Mother said,
"Oh , we should see Auntie Joan of in style Keith. We'll all have champagne!"
Those present knew of Keith's lack of care towards my mother and I'm sure they subsequently chose the most expensive dishes on the menu!
I could almost see my Mother smiling when Keith's face dropped when presented with the bill!

Hi Alexa......Thank you. The disease had metastasized to his bones and he was in a lot of pain. They were giving him high dose sedation (morphine and other drugs) but clearly not enough because they kept wearing off too soon.

Thank you. It's appreciated.

MissAdventure….I cant find any useful words..... and hug X

I feel exactly the same.
So much so that I can't bring myself to write about the last part of my daughters life.

I cant accept that 'some men or some people are just like that'.

I get very angry at the thought of someone being in great need and their loved ones or friends thinking of themselves and their feelings at such an important time.

I understand why, but there comes a time when 'we' have to see we are not the centre of our world, and sometimes others need us to behave as adults, not needy children.

When my Father was dying, his relatives behaved with varying degrees of callousness. No doubt caused by fear, but it was unforgettable and unforgivable.

I think some men are like that. My husband did not go to see his cousin when he was terminally ill. I couldn't Understand why. He had no explanation.

My dear husband is always the one to keep contact with his friends, and often reminds me 'you haven't talked to so-and-so for a while, you should call her'. It is a trait I really admire.

Perhaps your partner will have an epiphany now, especially since he will have to go to a funeral or memorial and be face to face with his friends family. You should definitely talk with him about it, perhaps not in an accusing manner, but in a heartfelt discussion about keeping in contact with friends, and not having any regrets in life.

Willa, pain, nausea, and anxiety control is good in modern hospitals and hospices, in the great majority of cases.The dying person is often comatose.
I am really sorry your relative suffered so much. Did you ever find out what went wrong with the pain control?

GagaJo,

My dear cousin's husband died of Cancer a year ago. The poor man was in terrible agony, while dozens of friends and relatives stood around in the hallway and took turns standing by his bedside. He died four days later.
In retrospect, I wish we could have fast forwarded from former 'happy' times to his funeral and skip the final chapter altogether.....because my DH and I still have nightmares about having been there for that!

I now have a friend who is dying of lung cancer. We've been friends for 60 years. She's currently in hospice some 2 1/2 hours away. I went to see her in May while she was well enough to enjoy our visit. Since then, she's deteriorated badly. I've been struggling with the idea of going to see her again since she hasn't got much time left, but then I think of our cousin and I have to stop myself.

My point is that for some people, death is neither peaceful 'nor quiet. Most people would like to be remembered as they were when they were still whole! Unless there is some compelling reason for someone to make amends or to reveal some long lost secret, a person who is near death may be severely impaired and suffering greatly. They may not want an audience. ....what most people want is to leave this life with some semblance of dignity. You husband may understand that already, so please treat him with kindness and don't judge him too harshly.

Sometimes small talk is exactly what's needed.
Just a visit, a thought, to make them a cup of tea and have a chat.

Someone who is dying is engaged in one of the most momentous acts in their life and will not want to engage in small talk or platitudes.

A lot of men find illness and death even harder to cope with than we women do. Society still doesn't really accept that a man breaks down and cries, does it? So it is probably harder for men to cope with the really sad things than women.

Most of us have really no idea what to say to someone who is dying. Staying away might seem the easiest option.

How is he taking it now? Was it a shock?

I think you have to accept that you are with a man who cannot or will not talk about illness, pain, death and reacts by saying you and others are being over dramatic when you try to tell him of serious illness or the impending death of a friend.

It sounds to me, as others have said here, that his friend’s illness reminds him of his own mortality. He can help in practical ways ‘doing’ but when it’s about just ‘being’ at someone’s bedside and empathising that’s very difficult for him. Also, it’s a very personal thing but I can cope with some people’s illnesses better than others. With one friend I didn’t want to visit her in her final days because I wanted to remember her as I’d last seen her, still very much herself and full of life. And then there are some people who think if they brush something off, it’ll go away. Avoidance or a kind of optimism even when faced with grim facts?

Was he in denial? Trying to pretend it wasn't happening or wasn't as serious as everyone was saying. What does he say now. Is he sorry he didn't see him? It does seem a little as though he has difficulty showing empathy.

As others have said, he obviously lacks empathy. Take the practical caring help he can give but don't expect any emotional support. He may be feeling a bit guilty about his friend (and your toe) but don't hold your breath for him to say so, or express any regret/offer an apology.

That really riles me too.

I understand that some people find it difficult to cope with illness and death. There comes a time though when unless you have a genuine phobia then your feelings should be put aside.
I do get annoyed when people say 'I can't go and visit X in hospital it would upset me too much' It's not about you, the sick person is the one who matters.

Maybe if he saw a way to help his old friend he would have done so. As someones else said, maybe he could think of nothing to talk about. Dear old friends do get out of touch with each others' lives and interests.

I bet your bloke has character flaws like everybody else!

I think maybe you are being too hard on him. It was his friend and you are deciding what he should have done. Everyone is different and not just men have trouble with emotions. Sounds like there is more bothering you than just this.

It's possible that he just doesn't emotionally connect. Some people don't have emotion in their make up. I think that these people tend to be self centered and put their own needs first. I am not sure that there's any point in being cross with him, he either cares or doesn't. His actions would imply the latter.

My mother turns her back when people are ill or dying. She can’t cope with it. I’ve no idea why. She’s not trying to be cruel but it’s how she is.