AIBU

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YABU

By age three, I would not have expected a child to be in a playpen. They would be at nursery or playgroup, or running around a safe garden, or "helping" with household things. The playpen was for crawling babies who otherwise would be into everything and too young to understand what they should not touch. The playpen had plenty of toys, which were changed around for variety, it was within my sight and near a low window through which the outside world could be seen, we could talk often to each other and they were not there for long spells at a time.

glammagran, you poor thing.

Did no one else’s child just climb out of play pens?

By age 3, there is no way to contain a child like that safely

Let her parent her way. Dont say anything negative to her. Praise her parenting. Try and join in, lm sure she will appreciate your support. My kids do so many things with their kids, l smile...alot!!

Like everything, playpens could be misused.

There is no doubt that a safe and comfortable cot to sleep in is a good thing, but we have all heard how, in some orphanages, children were left in their cots for hours with nothing to do or watch or play with and would just stare into space.

Elegran I’m sure short periods in a playpen were ok in the day. Unfortunately, I can remember being left all day in a playpen and becoming so stressed I gouged holes in my cheeks. I still bear the scars.

I think my DD is a wonderful mother and I would never dream of critisising how she parents her children but although I love my grand children dearly and would do anything for them. I also miss the times I had just with my DD. It's almost as though I have lost the daughter I had and gained DGC and their mother instead. I wonder if you feel like that too?

You are missing the chats you and your daughter used to have before there were children but these will return.

In reply to Elegran extolling the virtues of the Playpen. I couldn’t agree more. All my children used the Playpen my cousin gave me when the first one arrived. They were safe, you could still interact with them and it seems to have done mine no harm. One tip I will pass on is when they throw a toy out of the playpen and scream for it leave it where they have thrown it. Eventually they throw all the toys out. You just have to collect them all up in one go and dump them back in. Tommy

I think children need to play on their own, directing them all the time stifles their creativity.

It’s not really directing though, if a child is begging for attention.

I can’t imagine that visit is much fun for the daughter either.

OP, can you instead do quick visits at their house where your daughter will be more in her element and less worried about children getting into things they shouldn’t?

My DD used to do much the same but it’s calmed down a bit now. I was very happy she was playing with the DGDs and let her get on with it. Yes, I found it irritating when I wanted a chat but they are the most important people in her life, especially when they are little.

Sooner or later the situation will improve as they get older, so bear with it for now.

I tend to agree with you.

Three year olds should be perfectly able to amuse themselves with toys, colouring books etc, at least for a short time whilst you sit and chat with the mother.

Obviously not for hours but surely it's good for children of that age to realise that they are not always the centre of their mother's attention, particularly when there is another adult present ?

Having said that, I agree with others who say it's better not to show your disapproval.

Perhaps you could buy some new toys for when they come to visit, and the child will probably be delighted and only too happy to play while you have tea and a chat.

I see this from both sides. We forget how truly absorbing those darling little ones are to their parents. So clever, so adorable, so beautiful.
I can remember getting a night out together without the DC and we talked about them all evening!!

I still get irritated when someone (DD or DiL) phones me and the DGC interupt our conversation but are immediately attended to.
"What do you want sweetheart?" " Can't you see I'm talking to grandma?" Wailing in the background.

That stage will pass and you 'll have DD back again. She would still probably prefer to talk about the DGC than whatever you want to say.
You have brought up a wonderful parent. Be proud of yourself.

I see this both ways- ive brought up 7 of my own,so cant have done everything wrong! As a mum though you do try to 'talk' to the kids when young,and sing& play,but maybe it often becomes a 'habit' too,that your daughter keeps up,wether her children want it constantly or not?as they get older they will play together with each other and not demand her to amuse them constantly- she's yet to learn this perhaps?- give her time,she will start to notice this for herself,also though,as a gran,ive noticed that my GC,even the older ones,(21yrs down to just 6) all seem to 'appear' as if by magic from nowhere to clamour for their mums attention when my daughters are on phone to me,( not often) and ask for this or that,and their mums immediately talk to them aside,and its frustrating though,as its surely best to either save the phone call or visit till they can give their full attention.i usually just say after a few minutes,"ill let you go see to them then"& ring off .But its not me being 'jealous' in any way,i agree with Grannydeb,she will probably regret this later,and kids do need to learn these things,my kids grew up with such good manners and people often commented on this.kids these days are far more demanding,and expect to be amused& entertained or constantly interrupt mostly because they're allowed to.I never ignored my children,i read to them,sang & talked to them,taught them to read at 4.but we had boundaries,and grown up time too.my kids respected this,they also had their 'own' time.

I think your DD is absolutely right in giving the children the attention that they need and perhaps when they visit you it is a good opportunity for them to have playtime instead of being taken up with chores/cooking etc. Leave them alone. It is not about you.

Yes Elegran- or a much needed trip to the loo!

My mother always set up times for just the two of us without my boys. While it was nice to have a break I always felt strange that she went way overboard in setting up
alone time with the two of us. she also excluded my husband. It sounds awesome but also a bit stifling. she even came before my first son was born-Not to help. but, he came early and she ended up taking me to the hospital! My dad also said I was running around and it was hard to talk. That is what happens when we are parents! Try not to fuss at your daughter.

They have to do parenting their way, just as we did it our way.

How do I say this kindly -and no offence is intended- but it is none of your business.
“Gives them far more attention than is needed” -really?
Do you mean gives them more attention than she gives you? Because that is what it sounds like.
If you really want time alone with your DD and most mums do, you will have to arrange something else, but if you look closely at what you are complaining about, you are really talking about the same thing- attention to and from mum to her daughter!

Sorry...but you’re the one with problem not your daughter ...so just let her get on with it...why not get her to be there at lunch time so they are all ‘forced’ to sit down at table/high-chair, and you and your daughter can have a nice chat. If you haven’t got a high-chair I would suggest scouring the charity shops if new is out if your range. I’ve just given my high-chair and travel cot away to one of these outlets and believe me I wouldn’t ,if it hadn’t been spotless. With a high chair at table and plenty of banana slices on it...mum has no excuse not to chat...

I think children need to play on their own, directing them all the time stifles their creativity.
I am not saying ignore them but give them the toys and let them get on with it.
When mine were little I would never have got a meal on the table or the washing done if I had played with them.

I'm inclined to think it's best not to interfere with how our children bring their own offspring up. I know you're not getting what you hope for from your DD's visit but I think you've just got to let it go. Blink and GGC will be at school and hopefully there'll be time then to enjoy your DD's company.

Hi I think that the demands for attention from her mum is because she is feeling jealous. Some children are like this and don't want their mum to talk or interact with anyone else. My GD was like this but has grown out of it at 5yrs.

My DD comes over and NEVER watches her children. She’s always on her phone. I’m exhausted from doing her job and making a meal or serving everyone. Can’t go to a restaurant as she’s on her phone there too.
She’s divorced so no one else to help her. My suggestion is to ask her to lunch with you when there’s a sitter available or a dinner when her husband is home.