Gransnet forums



(82 Posts)
Busbybag1 Thu 17-Oct-19 13:14:18

Hi all - new here so please treat me kindly. I don't know if it's just me but when my grandchildren visit 3yrs and 10 months, my DD never sits down, she plays esp with the older one continuously as DGD demands it. I have tried nicely to say that DD gives both of them far more attention than is needed at all times but DD gets upset and puts me in my place. It is truly exhausting when she visits for this reason only. When DGC are here on their own we all get on great, no demands as there are boundaries in our house when they visit and they know it. I just feel when they all visit there is absolutely no time for a casual chat at all with DD as she is so busy giving them attention. Should this be the case, is it just me? It is wearing me down.

Septimia Thu 17-Oct-19 13:21:13

I always found playing with my DS really boring when he was little and struggled to do it. I often wondered if I was failing to do my job properly!

I found it just as difficult to play with my DGD when she was little.

If your DD enjoys doing things with the little ones, I should step back and let her - she can wear herself out!

As they get bigger and more independent (or are at school) they probably won't want her to play with them and she'll be glad to sit and chat with you - I hope!

Oopsminty Thu 17-Oct-19 13:26:05

Hi there BusbybagI.

My daughter in law is a bit this way. My daughter not so much.

I find that the best way to keep things on an even keel is to allow Mums to do their own thing.

She probably likes playing with them!

And at 10 months I don't think it's the best idea to leave them to their own devices!

Don't sweat the small stuff as my Grandma used to say

mumofmadboys Thu 17-Oct-19 14:26:05

I think it is great that your DD is putting a lot of effort into parenting. Be grateful that she is a good mum and not glued to her phone instead!

Elegran Thu 17-Oct-19 14:29:55

How useful a playpen used to be for those times when you just wanted to sit and drink an uninterrupted cuppa, or talk face to face with someone adult for a change. They are frowned on these days, but they saved the sanity of many of the mums in my generation. You could still talk or sing to a child as they too were sitting concentrating hard on their own playing. They weren't locked way in some solitary jail, as "liberated" millenium mums are inclined to claim, and they weren't there all day, just while you had a desperately needed hot drink without being afraid they would grab it and spill it over themselves, or while you chopped vegetables for a family meal with a sharp knife and juggled boiling pans.

BlueBelle Thu 17-Oct-19 14:31:25

Welcome busby
Each to their own if she likes playing with the kids good for her you would have mote of a reason to worry if she paid no attention to them ?
It really isn’t your place to tell your daughter how much time she spends playing with her own children whether in your house or her own It sounds as if you have it how you like it when the children are on their own with you and when you are in charge so really don’t worry if she has a different way of handling her kids it’s really not up to you when she’s in charge of her own kids

agnurse Thu 17-Oct-19 14:37:27

I echo what BlueBelle has said.

These aren't your children. She is their mother. As long as she's not abusing them (and it's pretty clear she is not), her parenting is not something you can control.

suzied Thu 17-Oct-19 14:40:12

I'm not sure a 10 month old "knows boundaries"? Maybe she's worried they will damage your house /furniture/ injure themselves if left to their own devices. If she just ignored them whilst they ran riot around the place / fell down the stairs etc I'd be much more concerned.

Calendargirl Thu 17-Oct-19 15:32:50


Maybe you miss the chats you had with your daughter before there were GC, and feel a little bit resentful that you have to share her? Understandable, as we’re all human!

annodomini Thu 17-Oct-19 15:35:44

I think she sounds like a lovely mum. So often I see a mum with a phone stuck to her ear, paying little or no attention to a child in a buggy, Your DD is one in a million and her children will benefit.

wildswan16 Thu 17-Oct-19 15:49:20

Maybe the little girl is more insistent as she wants her mum's attention rather than have her talking to you. This is natural at this age, and I suspect her mother gives in so that there isn't a "fuss". Perhaps mum actually has more time to give to her children when she is at your house, rather than being busy at her own.

It is right that she puts her children first. They are still very little.

Nonnie Thu 17-Oct-19 15:57:30

She sounds like on of my Dils and I love that she is so involved and so creative with the children. I'm sorry it is not what you want but surely it should be what she wants? I think she probably comes for you to spend time with the GC rather than her. Please don't let it become a 'thing'. Being a mother of two small ones means she needs support, not conflict.

Tedber Thu 17-Oct-19 16:14:28

I understand perfectly. GC are much better behaved and less demanding for me. I feel worn out watching daughters running about all over place BUT they are their children and I keep out of it. So long as the kids don’t expect me to do same it doesn’t really bother me.

Jane10 Thu 17-Oct-19 16:28:06

I have a crate if toys and piles of books for the DGSs to play with when they are at our place. The boys just help themselves and get on with it. They sometimes want adult input and sometimes just play away themselves. Both are fine. I enjoy my DDs chat and would miss it.
Occasionally we go out for lunch by ourselves. Could you manage to do that OP? Otherwise, you'll find you'll get your DDs attention back in a few years when the DGCs are at school.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 18-Oct-19 10:41:35

She sounds a wonderful mum, I would be thrilled watching them all play together both my dd n my ds n dil do this as does my sil, I feel real pride when I see this,I’d keep out of it as it sounds as though she doing a great job, maybe you are missing her undivided attention and would like to have more chats

jaylucy Fri 18-Oct-19 10:44:15

Maybe it's me, but I don't understand why YOU feels it's exhausting when it's your DD playing with the children?
It might be that when she is at your house, she feels comfortable enough to play with the children . Do you not get involved?
The 3 year old may well be demanding because of the baby ? Or maybe, because she wants the attention because DD talks to you and GD feels nobody is taking notice of her?
Let your DD do her own thing - it won't be for ever that the GD wants or needs the attention as it won't be long before she will be happy to play on her own, and you can be sure that the 10 month old will probably not be so demanding!

janeayressister Fri 18-Oct-19 10:49:03

Honestly you really need to say absolutely nothing to your DD about the way she chooses to bring her children up. What if your Mother or MiL had chipped in, and told you what to do?

Just try and relax and enjoy the company of the lot of them as time soon goes. It won’t be long before they won’t want to go to Grannies as a Computer game calls...

beautybumble Fri 18-Oct-19 10:52:04

It was like that with mine. In time your daughter may ask you for advice, especially if she's feeling a bit worn out, but until then, keep your thoughts to yourself would be my advice. recently my daughter did ask me , and I just said 'let them play on their own sometimes. She tried it and they were quite happy (at least for a while).

LizH13 Fri 18-Oct-19 10:53:52

I think that you're probably like me and miss the lovely catch ups I used to have with my DD pre DGS, 2 1/2. We had him yesterday as he wasn't well and she had to work, he was a delight playing and sharing books with us, but really played up once mum arrived for her attention. As there is another DGC on the way, I've almost given up on our cosy chats, but I'm so glad that she is a very hands on loving mum. It was lovely when they left last night and the house went quiet lol

Jishere Fri 18-Oct-19 10:57:12

Maybe except that she hasn't much experience and this is how she is going to bring her children up. It's easier than stressing that when your GC are alone with you they are more respectful. Be thankful you get to see them regularly.

stella1949 Fri 18-Oct-19 10:59:47

This is one of those times when we need to smile and ignore what is going on. DD sounds like a lovely mother - so let it go. She'll get back to more grown-up communication with you, when the children are older / at school.

Bbbface Fri 18-Oct-19 11:00:09

Your daughter wants to play with her very young children.


Madmaggie Fri 18-Oct-19 11:06:35

Busbybag1 your post really resonated with me. My GSs are now 11 & 6 but they have been like this since they could walk. As soon as we attempt to talk to son or DiL they start. Over the years we've had serious stuff to share & discuss but the adults cannot get a word in, even if we negotiate play/reading etc time & explain we need to talk to daddy or mummy for a while then we can play some more. Itsvery frustrating as we can't make the long journey as much & some stuff needs face to face not emails (cancer, job losses, finances etc) even if son phones they interrupt non stop to the point he loses track of what he's saying.
Elegrans comments about playpens made me laugh. I used one and it was great as we lived overseas then & I could open the ranchsliders for a breeze without fear of baby crawling out. Used it if I needed to go to the loo,cook, bake, iron. Had the biggest laugh when i found my two eldest sitting in it to play with tiny Lego pieces so their baby sister couldnt get it & choke! They still remember it.

Riggie Fri 18-Oct-19 11:11:54

I think its great that she plays with her kids BUT
All kids need some quiet time and it sounds like they arent getting much

The 3 year old needs to learn to play alone sometimes so Mum can do something else like sitting down and having a cuppa woth granny for 10 minutes

Plus why go and visit if shes just going to play with the kids. Surely she visits to see and chat with the OP?

Craftycat Fri 18-Oct-19 11:14:33

Give the children something new to play with that will keep them occupied- maybe craft or messy play of some sort- they always love that. Tell your DD you are doing it so you can have a proper natter as you rarely get time enough to TALK TO HER . If DGD plays up tell her yourself you need to talk to Mummy so play nicely for a little while & then mention a small treat for when you are finished. I believe in a bit of bribery!!
I also used to take a book into playpen & let my boys run riot- in same room so I could make sure nothing too drastic happening! We all enjoyed it.