AIBU

I used to have a friend like this when we were younger. My children were older and at school but if she wanted to visit I would always make time( I was self employed so could stop for a couple of hours ) I would look forward to seeing her but sometimes wondered why I bothered as all she did was play with her child and almost completely ignored me !

I also miss the days of ‘nice little quiet chats’ with my daughter when she comes to visit with our grandchildren - but they are mostly gone for ever......the children fill the space and fill the conversations too and I’m fine with that because they are her world.. Occasionally - very occasionally - she will drop by for a few moments on her own (between dropping the children off at one of their activities and collecting them) and those few minute of conversation over a cup of tea are quite comforting to me .....although I don’t say so to her because I don’t want to play the guilt card and risk being chastised!

If you want to have a chat with your DD, surely it would be better for her to leave them with their father for a while!?

I've a feeling it is displacemnt activity and has more to do with her not wanting to be in daughter role and chat with you. Hard I know. But it happens. I expect the kids are overwhelmed by her attention ... I remember doing this with my mum because I felt she was being demanding of my attention and I already felt spread too thin. If you want to help devote all your attention to the grand kids. Thats what I wanted..and let her go off and read a book undisturbed.

If you want a good relationship with DD keep your feelings to yourself .As you say it is different when you are with your GC minus DD. Can you not be content with that?

Join in playing, it's fun even if we're left feeling worn out, it's worth it as is only for a few years. I miss one to one time with my daughter now she's a mum (18 months), as does she, but her little one has been very ill a lot of his little life so he deserves all the attention he asks for, he knows Grandma is good for cuddles and will join in some games and we really enjoy each other's company. My daughter and I make do with late night texts for things we can't discuss in front of him. We have had a couple of evenings together in recent months and they've been lovely, you will start to get some 1:1 again at some stage but your daughter needs to enjoy her children as they're little for such a short time. Sit on the floor and enjoy playing again, even if like me you do need help to get back up afterwards. Your daughter sounds a lovely mum, remember you taught her that skill so be proud of her and of yourself.

I am surprised at how judgemental many of these messages are, as I often am on this site. If we really "listen" to each other rather than lecture each other we can help. Yes, it probably exhausting to be in the presence of s.o. who is giving their attention relentlessly to the children. And to be honest is something she may pay for in the future. Children also have to learn that other people's chats etc need to be respected. Still it's probably not worth arguing over as mum's do not like advice from their own mums! (I remember being equally stubborn with my mum - and looking back she was right about a lot of stuff!) I can't offer much advice...apart from try to "meditate" your way through it and remind yourself that things change - but I do offer you my understanding. We are not getting younger and we get exhausted much quicker. One idea (if you're up to it) is that you could do some things together - like baking or cooking. Going out to the shops together can be a good one because the kids have the world to engage with and then you can chat. Any way...I do understand.

Give the children something new to play with that will keep them occupied- maybe craft or messy play of some sort- they always love that. Tell your DD you are doing it so you can have a proper natter as you rarely get time enough to TALK TO HER . If DGD plays up tell her yourself you need to talk to Mummy so play nicely for a little while & then mention a small treat for when you are finished. I believe in a bit of bribery!!
I also used to take a book into playpen & let my boys run riot- in same room so I could make sure nothing too drastic happening! We all enjoyed it.

I think its great that she plays with her kids BUT
All kids need some quiet time and it sounds like they arent getting much

The 3 year old needs to learn to play alone sometimes so Mum can do something else like sitting down and having a cuppa woth granny for 10 minutes

Plus why go and visit if shes just going to play with the kids. Surely she visits to see and chat with the OP?

Busbybag1 your post really resonated with me. My GSs are now 11 & 6 but they have been like this since they could walk. As soon as we attempt to talk to son or DiL they start. Over the years we've had serious stuff to share & discuss but the adults cannot get a word in, even if we negotiate play/reading etc time & explain we need to talk to daddy or mummy for a while then we can play some more. Itsvery frustrating as we can't make the long journey as much & some stuff needs face to face not emails (cancer, job losses, finances etc) even if son phones they interrupt non stop to the point he loses track of what he's saying.
Elegrans comments about playpens made me laugh. I used one and it was great as we lived overseas then & I could open the ranchsliders for a breeze without fear of baby crawling out. Used it if I needed to go to the loo,cook, bake, iron. Had the biggest laugh when i found my two eldest sitting in it to play with tiny Lego pieces so their baby sister couldnt get it & choke! They still remember it.

Your daughter wants to play with her very young children.

YABVVU

This is one of those times when we need to smile and ignore what is going on. DD sounds like a lovely mother - so let it go. She'll get back to more grown-up communication with you, when the children are older / at school.

Maybe except that she hasn't much experience and this is how she is going to bring her children up. It's easier than stressing that when your GC are alone with you they are more respectful. Be thankful you get to see them regularly.

I think that you're probably like me and miss the lovely catch ups I used to have with my DD pre DGS, 2 1/2. We had him yesterday as he wasn't well and she had to work, he was a delight playing and sharing books with us, but really played up once mum arrived for her attention. As there is another DGC on the way, I've almost given up on our cosy chats, but I'm so glad that she is a very hands on loving mum. It was lovely when they left last night and the house went quiet lol

It was like that with mine. In time your daughter may ask you for advice, especially if she's feeling a bit worn out, but until then, keep your thoughts to yourself would be my advice. recently my daughter did ask me , and I just said 'let them play on their own sometimes. She tried it and they were quite happy (at least for a while).

Honestly you really need to say absolutely nothing to your DD about the way she chooses to bring her children up. What if your Mother or MiL had chipped in, and told you what to do?

Just try and relax and enjoy the company of the lot of them as time soon goes. It won’t be long before they won’t want to go to Grannies as a Computer game calls...

Maybe it's me, but I don't understand why YOU feels it's exhausting when it's your DD playing with the children?
It might be that when she is at your house, she feels comfortable enough to play with the children . Do you not get involved?
The 3 year old may well be demanding because of the baby ? Or maybe, because she wants the attention because DD talks to you and GD feels nobody is taking notice of her?
Let your DD do her own thing - it won't be for ever that the GD wants or needs the attention as it won't be long before she will be happy to play on her own, and you can be sure that the 10 month old will probably not be so demanding!

She sounds a wonderful mum, I would be thrilled watching them all play together both my dd n my ds n dil do this as does my sil, I feel real pride when I see this,I’d keep out of it as it sounds as though she doing a great job, maybe you are missing her undivided attention and would like to have more chats

I have a crate if toys and piles of books for the DGSs to play with when they are at our place. The boys just help themselves and get on with it. They sometimes want adult input and sometimes just play away themselves. Both are fine. I enjoy my DDs chat and would miss it.
Occasionally we go out for lunch by ourselves. Could you manage to do that OP? Otherwise, you'll find you'll get your DDs attention back in a few years when the DGCs are at school.

I understand perfectly. GC are much better behaved and less demanding for me. I feel worn out watching daughters running about all over place BUT they are their children and I keep out of it. So long as the kids don’t expect me to do same it doesn’t really bother me.

She sounds like on of my Dils and I love that she is so involved and so creative with the children. I'm sorry it is not what you want but surely it should be what she wants? I think she probably comes for you to spend time with the GC rather than her. Please don't let it become a 'thing'. Being a mother of two small ones means she needs support, not conflict.

Maybe the little girl is more insistent as she wants her mum's attention rather than have her talking to you. This is natural at this age, and I suspect her mother gives in so that there isn't a "fuss". Perhaps mum actually has more time to give to her children when she is at your house, rather than being busy at her own.

It is right that she puts her children first. They are still very little.

I think she sounds like a lovely mum. So often I see a mum with a phone stuck to her ear, paying little or no attention to a child in a buggy, Your DD is one in a million and her children will benefit.

Busybag1

Maybe you miss the chats you had with your daughter before there were GC, and feel a little bit resentful that you have to share her? Understandable, as we’re all human!

I'm not sure a 10 month old "knows boundaries"? Maybe she's worried they will damage your house /furniture/ injure themselves if left to their own devices. If she just ignored them whilst they ran riot around the place / fell down the stairs etc I'd be much more concerned.