Am I selfish taking a lover?

Doodledog made some very good points. If you are not prepared for it to be the end of your marriage I would advise against it. See if hubby would agree to some councelling. An affair can have devastating consequences and is very hard to forgive.

If you are going to take a lover it should not be with another woman’s husband
Have some respect for her marriage please. Affairs are devastating to all involved

Yes

Why are you asking the question in the first place , methinks you want the best of both worlds !! Good luck with that.

I am more than a little bemused by the lack of passion expressed by OP.
if I were about to plunge into a torrid affair, would I be taking a straw poll among other grannies who do not know me and even less about my husbands libido (or not)
It makes the GE look exciting in comparison!

I feel sorry for the other mans' wife. Sitting there in blissful ignorance, whilst some woman decides if she will or won't sleep with him.

You are being so dishonest. You want your cake and eat it.

As my mother said to me when I became engaged to my wife of now fifty-one years, "married life is more than four sticks and a blanket".

Marriage is a lifetime commitment (or should be), therefore there will always be problems that require to be overcome as part of any longterm relationship.

So, look positively at what you have in your marriage and where it lacks " sort it" and do not expect others to be able to advise you in matters such as this.

However, It would seem to me you are just looking for an excuse to have " an external marital affair" and in opening this thread you are hoping someone will justify that desire for you.

I was cheated on, it’s soul destroying, make the break and then take as many lovers as you want and buy many condoms!

Selfish or not your problem, your problem is that you will get emotionally involved with the new man, and you will end up with a divorce.
Men can easily find sex elsewhere and not get involved, women usually find that difficult, so do consider the consequences before you go down that road.

I have been in a similar position and these things never end well. Apart from the two people directly concerned there can be an awful lot of collateral damage.
As this has been a problem for some time I think it would be better to consider separating from your husband then you will be free to have a relationship with someone more suited to you and preferably not married.

worst case scenario, you have an affair, get caught out, end up with no husband and no lover, and perhaps incur the wrath of your family. You could end up totally alone.

Be careful what you wish for is my advice! Fallout from affairs destroys lives!

Infidelity generally is spontaneous, giving in to desire. Most people don’t start weighing up the pros and cons as you seem to be doing? The man - waiting in wings- what do you say to him? Hold on I will see what Gransnetters suggest”.

I agree with Maw.

Think of the hurt you will cause to your husband and family, if they found out.
Whatever happened to marriage vows? If you are that unhappy in your marriage, end it, then have your lover. You have given no thought to the other man's wife in all this.
Yes you are being selfish.

Yes to “selfish” as you seem to take no account of the feelings or reactions of your husband, of your daughter (whom you describe elsewhere as having mental health issues) the other man’s wife and family and your other children and grandchildren.
Perhaps just fantasising, or delusional?

I do wonder how old you are GrannyOrNanny and if this is a bit of a “final fling” or midlife crisis. You don’t say how old your H or the Lover in waiting is either (I am assuming you have one lined up - or is this still theoretical?)
“Attention, cuddles and a bit of love” - really?
Sex?
Have I seen you on “Birds of a Feather” ?

If this problem has been worked at by you both then fair enough. But I can understand the frustration you are feeling, especially as your husband has done nothing to seriously address the problem. Forget your lover waiting in the wings, because he is married and so is a more complicated situation. There must be organisations that connect you with like minded people like yourself, but without the emotional background of your proposed lover. Best of luck.

In another thread you talk about your husband as your ‘best friend’ what a funny way to consider treating a best friend You also talk about your jealousy of your daughter (who lives at home still) and her relationship with her Dad I think you might need some help with your own feelings before you start messing up other people’s
Are you really prepared to kill three relationships, yours with your best friend the married man ‘waiting in the wings’ And your daughter at hone

This is quite a bizarre post and I m not at all sure whether to take it seriously

This rings so many alarm bells! Instead of pretending to yourself nobody will find out, you need to face up to a potential worst case scenario. How will your husband react if he finds out? How will the man's wife react? Will your husband divorce you? Will your family be disgusted with you? Will the other man's wife feel vengeful enough to make trouble for you? How will you feel when the man dumps you?If you can genuinely say you do not care about any damage an affair may cause, go ahead. If you care about any of it, you need to work harder on your relationship with your husband. He may need medical help with his libido or your both may need relationship help from a counsellor. Think long term, talk again to your husband, in a matter of fact way (no dramatics, imagine you are a counsellor!), about a possible way forward for both of you. Good luck.

Cheating is never a good idea.

If you are not happy, divorce and then get a friend with benefits.

It’s a big step ending a marriage so it’s not surprising that GON isn’t rushing into it. But this problem has been going on for years. Personally I’d try and put the man in the wings out of the decision making. Stay or go regardless of him - nothing may come of that anyway.

Would it worry you that your lover was deceiving his wife?

Would your husband mind if you had an affair? Some men don't mind.

I think you should think about possible fallout in the years to come.

You must have some doubts about the situation or you wouldn't ask people on Gransnet.

@Suzie..thank you...this is just what I’ve said to him in the past...like I say I rarely mention it now...sick of saying it..but yes I do feel things are on HIS terms only...

I think you've asked this before so if you can't make up your mind to proceed you must be having doubts.
You have no clue what I'm thinking.

I think your husband is being selfish as well - why should your marriage continue like this on his terms alone? The honest thing would be to end your marriage - is that feasible financially? If so, tell him that’s how you’re thinking and see if he cares enough to do something about it

Oh dear GON, there's a husband and a wife at home so to speak.!!!! Complicated and 'playing with fire ' - if you're that desperate why don't you look for someone unattached or advertise in the 'looking for love' column, under a pseudonym- good luck !!!