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Am I selfish taking a lover?

(170 Posts)
GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 21:49:02

I’m married to a good man but the physical side of our relationship has never been particularly good. His sex drive is low and mine is more medium to high. I used to put it down to him having a stressful job but he now works much less hours and still has zero interest in sex.
I really do feel like I’m missing out and want attention, cuddles, kisses and a bit of love....and am I selfish if I take a lover or should I stay away from his proposition and carry on as I have been doing for all these years?

notanan2 Fri 08-Nov-19 12:11:01

@notanna surely we can only go on the information given.

Which was my point
I was responding to another poster who was "diagnosing" NPD

Specky Fri 08-Nov-19 13:45:20

Love your comments Yorkshire and Bingo..
Imo Grannyornanny should go and find herself an unattached man or a prostitute... Leave the married ones alone...

Iam64 Fri 08-Nov-19 19:54:58

Am I the only uptight individual who fins the idea of finding an 'prostitute' somewhat unpleasant?

Sex workers rarely have good physical or mental health. Not being judgemental, just factual. What's the attraction of some bloke who is paid to s* desperate women? Surely the OP could find an interesting hobby as a distraction? Gardening, knitting, volunteering to help those in greater need than herself. Just saying.

Jillybird Fri 08-Nov-19 20:50:27

I think most of these responders imagine themselves in the role of the other man's wife and that's why they are so anti! They imagine you are doing wrong to that woman/themselves...
Personally I don't know how you can love someone and cheat on them, I have only cheated when I have hated the husband I was with! I too, was once with a man who was not interested. It was my first husband and I was astonished - was it me? SO embarrassing when I went into hospital with a miscarriage and had to confess to the doctor that I knew when the conception would have happened because it was the only time we'd "done it" in months... I wondered if it was me who was so unappealing. So I tested that theory: Three lovers should do it. Two were married. If they kept coming back, then it wasn't me that was unappealing. There was no shortage of takers, not because I was so damned attractive, but because men are programmed that way - take it when you can get it! Your potential lover may be the same, maybe not, but consider the possibility he is already having extra marital with someone else... You can't force your old man to fancy you, but how about trying to make him jealous? I think it would be revealing if he is not jealous when presented with the possibility of you going elsewhere. Would you feel better if you divorced first? And what will the end result be? Will you both leave your partners and end up with each other? Will you then get bored with each other and seek other more interesting dalliances? Will you go on with it until you are both too old to be interested? Or until one of you is found out?

Joyfulnanna Fri 08-Nov-19 21:11:34

Grannyornanny if you did go for it and it wasn't what you expect, and changed your mind about the whole thing, could you trust this man to respect your wishes and not disclose the encounter to anyone?

kircubbin2000 Fri 08-Nov-19 21:17:32

You might be surprised to find how many married men would be up for this. When my friend was going through her divorce she was not short of offers, some from husbands of her friends. To her credit she turned them down and eventually found another divorced man.

Specky Fri 08-Nov-19 22:37:33

Iam64... The OP says she wants sex with no emotional attachment, hence my comment. A prostitute wouldn't be my cup of tea either BUT neither would a married man and that was the point I was trying to make...
I understand that male prostitutes can be the victims of exploitation exactly the same as women, but often there is a degree of choice in choosing to be a sex worker, which the married mans wife doesn't have.

Jillybird..Yes I am standing up for unsuspecting wives. .. The harm that cheating does is horrendous and anyone male or female who thinks its ok to dally with whoever they choose need to realise that they are in some cases (admittedly not all) destroying families. And yes I was cheated on and yes it did nearly break me!

Iam64 Sat 09-Nov-19 19:52:58

Specky , I understand the point you make. Your'e right about 'a degree of choice' for sex workers in comparison with the wife (or husband/life partner). "degree of choice' seems an accurate description. I genuinely can't understand the attraction but accept that's just me

Specky Sun 10-Nov-19 00:56:29

No it's not just you Iam... I like a 'cuddle' as much as the next woman but for me it would only be with some one i love and trust.. I guess I'm fortunate though because my man has always made me feel super sexy. The op doesn't have that which is a huge shame.

Iam64 Sun 10-Nov-19 08:29:25

Life long, loving relationships can continue if health reasons mean sex is painful or impossible.
The physical side of love is a wonder and a joy but it isn't essential. Physical sex with a stranger who is being paid to be with you... I'd rather go a good long walk with my dogs frankly.

Specky Sun 10-Nov-19 08:56:58

Very true and well said Iam.. smile

notanan2 Sun 10-Nov-19 12:44:47

I only agree Iam if other intimacy remains: hand holding, cuddling, sharing intimate hopes and fears etc

GrannySquare Sun 10-Nov-19 13:01:49

‘Having a lover might solve your sex drive but so would a vibrator.’

Ask Santa to drop one into your husband’s Christmas stocking. Take it from there.

If your husband, with all your shared years, cannot see the love, affection, humour & invitation to play behind this (even if you become the only user of the toy) , then you both really need to talk about what’s next in your marriage.

Before your relationship falls asunder, try everything reasonable, e.g. couple counselling at Relate, you can do together.

Iam64 Sun 10-Nov-19 18:15:42

notanan2, I didn't spell it out but yes I'm with you on the intimacy of hand holding, cuddling and sharing hopes n fears.

Saggi Sat 16-Nov-19 07:08:01

Suziewoozie has given the best answer.....nobody has seen fit to mention the total selfishness of your husband .... his way or no way. I know all about this because my own marriage is the same, and has been for 20+ years. My husband doesn’t care a fig about my feelings at all ... I suspect as yours doesn’t! GON. By all means talk to him again... offer up a compromise... but this time on your terms. If there is no response from him then end this sham of a marriage ,if it’s financially viable for you. It wasn’t for me! I’ve ended up as a ‘sister ‘ to a disabled man whom I have no respect for... no love for ,and after all his awful behaviour to me over the years I even dislike. You cannot imagine the torment of the last 20 years. I’m stuck! You’re not.. hopefully. Look closely at your options and then RUN.... before you turn bitter .. resentful... and depressed by his disrespect for your feelings . Because you will and it WILL destroy everything you ever felt for him.

Alexa Tue 19-Nov-19 11:57:16

Can you take a lover for sex without falling in love with him? If you fall in love with him and want to run off with him your marriage will suffer.

GrannyOrNanny Mon 25-Nov-19 18:17:41

@Alexa, I don’t love him but I do find him very attractive. I love my husband but no, I won’t be leaving my husband. I’d never run off with my lover. Besides he has a wife.

Alexa Mon 25-Nov-19 18:57:13

Wise GrannyOrNanny.

Alexa Mon 25-Nov-19 18:58:15

I mean, wise to recognise the difference.