Inconvenient funeral date

When my BIL died two years ago we couldn't afford to go to the funeral so we checked with his widow who didn't expect to see us. We figured that she'd be surrounded by friends and family at the funeral and in the weeks immediately afterwards and so we went over a couple of months later. She was very pleased to see us by then because contact with friends and family had reduced.

No you are not being unreasonable.
Send a card expressing your condolences and if you feel close enough to his widow follow it up a time later when you can with a call.
We all know when someone dies there's a flurry of arrangements and sometimes a later call can mean a lot.

@watermeadow
As a funeral arranger I can tell you that when a family come in to arrange a funeral they are mostly still in shock and personally I try to gently guide them through the process.
When choosing a date I ask if there are special birthdays/hospital appointments etc., that they may want to work around, but generally their mind is all over the place and they can’t think of anything specific.

To be honest she will have so much to think about anyway that she won’t notice who’s there and who’s not on the day of the funeral anyway.
Why not send her some flowers and a card, apologising for not being able to be there.

watermeadow what a sad problem this is for you. But, like others have already said, I would send a nice card and letter now to explain why you can't make the funeral but will visit later. It's usually the case that after the funeral is when the real grief starts and the comfort of a loved one is most needed. It will give her a chance to just talk and reminisce. Something I wish I had had.

And you can enjoy your "special birthday" with a light heart knowing you are going to give her your time and sympathy when it perhaps matters most.

How lucky youareto have such a thoughtful family. I’m heading for mine on January at the end nothing planned. Go ahead enjoy if a funeral teaches us one thing it’s about the life we have.

I agree with others, its not at all unreasonable for you to be with your family on your special birthday watermeadow. Send a letter of condolence to your relative's family and arrange to go and see them later.
Enjoy your party and don't feel guilty, its the best decision.

Oops sorry my 2nd post was for the other funeral thread

In my workplace you only get compassionate leave for the funeral of immediate family: parent, partner or child.

Otherwise you have to arrange unpaid or annual leave if there is time for cover to be found. Or shift swap. 2 or 3 days wouldnt be long enough notice to take leave as all leave requires cover.

If they dont know your birthday and werent going to your big family celebration for it, then surely they can't be that close a relative, so what's the problem with not going? I dont see it as a clash tbh

Not unreasonable, it is virtually impossible to arrange a date to suit everyone.
My niece died suddenly when I was on holiday in the south of France, I couldn't really just hop on a plane because we were on a driving holiday with friends. I visited the family the day I returned from holiday and they were fine about us not attending the funeral.

You have to stay and be with your family for your birthday. It’s not possible to fix a funeral date that suits everyone who might want to attend. However, if you know the widow maybe you could arrange to visit her at a later date and maybe visit the grave with her?

Send her flowers with a letter briefly outlining why you cannot come and how much you would have liked to have been there.

I find in many situations like this someone knocking at the door with a beautiful bouquet expresses true feelings better than words.

Not unreasonable at all just explain to the widow

Yes, explain. But ask if you can go and see her instead in the New Year. Often it’s loneliest after the funeral.

Send flowers if they are acceptable ?

Not at all - make sure you go and visit her in the New Year- she will probably enjoy a visit then more.

And enjoy your special BD- guilt free x

I don't think you're being unreasonable.
If it was something that you'd arranged which clashed with the funeral, it might be different. As it is, the arrangements are somewhat beyond your control.

I'd be inclined to contact the widow, explain your problem and maybe try to pay a visit to her later, and take some flowers to the grave or whatever. Perhaps just have a few minutes quiet at the relevant time during your birthday celebrations to remember your relative.

Not at all. A very unfortunate clash.