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AIBU

to think the length of time UK friends have to wait for funeral is cruel

(165 Posts)
jura2 Thu 19-Dec-19 14:36:33

Can't believe the length of time friends and family in UK have to wait to bury/cremation, loved ones.

What are your experiences- how long have you had to wait.
In Switzerland, it is on 3rd or 4th day- then grieving can take place.

Hetty58 Fri 20-Dec-19 14:04:32

4allweknow, that's exactly what I've arranged - in advance. Far less stress for my relatives - especially as my eldest lives on the other side of the world in NZ!

TrendyNannie6 Fri 20-Dec-19 13:58:03

We have had two close family deaths take place first one was 12 days after and second one several years later was 28 days after death, both cremations

MamaCaz Fri 20-Dec-19 13:49:15

Now if reasonably-priced evening classes still existed, it might be possible to find one that would enable you to make your own wicker coffin.
I can just imagine most of the class making a modest wicker basket, while someone is making a coffin instead! grin

MissAdventure Fri 20-Dec-19 13:46:35

You can get cardboard coffins now.
If you're any good at origami you could fold it down and then make it up when the time is right.

Yes, wicker and willow aren't cheap.

M0nica Fri 20-Dec-19 13:38:13

Bluebelle wicker coffins are not cheap. I arranged for my uncle to be buried in one. It was expensive, more costly than wood.

Damdee Fri 20-Dec-19 13:37:19

My mother in law died in the Spring - due to a post mortem being required (despite the fact that she died in a nursing home) we had to wait a VERY long time - about six weeks.

When my father died, at home, about 14 years ago on the Sunday, we had the crem funeral on the following Friday as we had my niece's wedding the next week, and didnt want a funeral and a wedding on the same week if possible.

Grieving goes on forever for those you love - you just learn to live with it, and it gets easier with time.

jura2 Fri 20-Dec-19 13:11:22

A large basket for flowers on my balcony, of course smile

Callistemon Fri 20-Dec-19 13:07:40

jura!! shock and grin

I can just imagine you being stopped by the police;
"Madam, could you tell me exactly what you have on your roof rack?"

jura2 Fri 20-Dec-19 13:03:15

Must buy my willow coffin next time we drive back, and put it on the roof rack - plenty of space in the barn for the 'wait' lol.

4allweknow Fri 20-Dec-19 12:58:41

Used to be 3/4 days. Think demand and no further facilities being provided may have contributed. I like the American style of deceased being dealt with whichever way chosen, no ceremony, then a celebration of life being held about two weeks later. Any formality can be addressed at the celebration. Much lower costs as no need for church /crematorium hire or cars etc. That's what I will have.

MawB Fri 20-Dec-19 12:47:15

Witzend tchwink

BlueBelle Fri 20-Dec-19 12:46:09

I thought of that Pamela what if they don’t have under the bed space in the care home maybe on top of the wardrobe ?
??? or make use of it sleep in it hahaha wear it it so yo speak

PamelaJ1 Fri 20-Dec-19 12:37:40

Could you keep it under the bed bluebelle?

BlueBelle Fri 20-Dec-19 12:34:35

urmastrong I m in the same situation I want a totally simple inexpensive funeral my eldest my executor understands and will see it carried out, I m sure my youngest will go along with whatever, but my son thinks it’s disrespectful to not have the best
Anyway I ve written it all down and I ve paid for my plot next to Mum and Dad I m very very tempted to buy a cheap wicker or cardboard coffin but although I could keep in a spare room what if I don’t go for a while and have to go in a care home I can’t imagine taking my coffin with me ???

jannxxx Fri 20-Dec-19 12:30:40

with public holidays then bank holidays we had to wait nearly 3 weeks to bury my dad,

notanan2 Fri 20-Dec-19 12:19:32

It is not true that you do not get told when a deirect disposal cremation takes place, nor that you cannot attend.

You can be there at the time but there is "service" or curtainey bit. And almost all Direct disposal companies tell people the time and date. It slots in between "full" services so you dont chose it but you DO get told when it will be and you can physically be there.

Merryweather Fri 20-Dec-19 12:19:27

23 days before we could hold the cremation service and a week later for the ashes to be interred. I felt it was too long.
I was taken into hospital the day before the funeral and missed all of it. I was ashamed to miss it. Still feel awful about it now.

starbird Fri 20-Dec-19 11:59:27

I work for an undertaker. The wait is not only for crematorium space, it depends on the family requirements - if they want a non standard coffin ( wicker etc) it has to be ordered to size, if a vicar is required it has to fit in with him/ her availability ( they are surprisingly busy!) , same goes with the venue for the wake and/or caterer. The undertaker will usually work flat out to meet the family’s wishes - most prefer a few weeks to get used to the idea that their loved one has passed on.
Alternatively there is a company that collects the deceased and takes it to the crematorium for a non attended funeral. It is much cheaper but you cannot attend and will not even be told the time/date in advance ( because it is fitted in at unsocial times or space between other funerals). The family can then make their own arrangements for a service or get together for whenever they like.

MissAdventure Fri 20-Dec-19 11:57:00

Well, I think there are enough posts from around the country now to show that there isn't a cruel amount of time to wait, so I wonder how long juras friends had to?

Witzend Fri 20-Dec-19 11:33:04

It was more than a month for my mother. She died about a week before the whole family were all going to be away for at least a week for a dd's big wedding do in France. So it had to wait until well after we were after we were all back.

But it meant plenty of time for everyone - especially the far-flung ones - to make arrangements to come.

TBH I was just relieved that she'd died before we were all away, and not that bit later. As it was, one of us was with her the whole time during her last couple of days - not that she was aware - she was 97 with advanced dementia and hadn't known us for some time.

In the end her send-off turned into a happy family party which her former self would have thoroughly enjoyed.

Might add that Jura's OP did rather strike me - perhaps unfairly - as another dig at the UK, and another 'how much better X or Y is in Europe'.
Apologies if I'm wrong on that,

blondenana Fri 20-Dec-19 11:32:18

When my brother died it was a Saturday evening, by the time i was told,[ as had moved temporarily for house renovations and sister didn't know my address],i didn't have time to get to the funeral as it was in Wales,and i'm in Yorkshire
The funeral was the following thursday

blondenana Fri 20-Dec-19 11:27:44

The last funeral i knew about in friends was 2 weeks!

annodomini Fri 20-Dec-19 11:26:11

"still trying to puzzle out why the vicar had to be involved if it as just to be a cremation !"

That puzzles me too, Jaylucy. When my cousin died, her family conducted a secular ceremony at the crematorium. People spoke about her and her daughters read their own poems. It was a beautiful and memorable funeral.

Oldwoman70 Fri 20-Dec-19 11:25:21

When DH died I was in a total daze for a week, despite it being expected. My sister in law dealt with the immediate arrangements and it was only after that week that I began to feel even slightly able to deal with funeral arrangements. Without sister-in-law's support I don't think I could have coped.

Kimrus Fri 20-Dec-19 11:18:14

I will also add, neither sister had told me of the deaths of 2 cousins I was close too either. The last one being I had read in the newspaper that I subscribe to now that is the area I use to live in and the other cousin I was told about when I had spoken to my aunt to get details of contacts for the other cousin. Unfortunately some families are like this so I have learnt. In my heart, I know my father would have been furious at the turn up of events. My mother is still alive but has dementia and is in care and I get weekly emails from here carers telling me what is happening with her but she doesn’t know me now and she wouldn’t have understood my father dying either.