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AIBU

to think the length of time UK friends have to wait for funeral is cruel

(164 Posts)
jura2 Thu 19-Dec-19 14:36:33

Can't believe the length of time friends and family in UK have to wait to bury/cremation, loved ones.

What are your experiences- how long have you had to wait.
In Switzerland, it is on 3rd or 4th day- then grieving can take place.

Elegran Thu 19-Dec-19 14:43:34

Whose fault do you think this cruelty is, Jura? How would you suggest the wait could be shortened? If earlier "appointments" were available, do you think people would choose them, or take a later one ? Would those who have to travel far for a funeral be able to make arrangements in the shorter time?

GrannyGravy13 Thu 19-Dec-19 14:44:39

We decided to wait nearly four weeks before having our Mothers cremation.

Many contributing factors, but it was best for our family, and she always put family first.

MissAdventure Thu 19-Dec-19 14:47:04

I think the wait is reasonable, and then you have to work around those who would like to attend.

Too soon would have seemed too much to cope with, for me.

jura2 Thu 19-Dec-19 14:47:15

The shortage of facilities is responsible and should be remedied. GG13, of course if it is a choice, then it is different.

aggie Thu 19-Dec-19 14:48:07

Funerals here are within 4 days , but usually on the third day . If someone has to come from a distance they have to jump on the first plane , as my son did from France for his Grandma s funeral , my Daughter couldn’t get a flight from Canada

jura2 Thu 19-Dec-19 14:48:14

Has anyone had to wait long- too long in their mind- and how long? As said, if it is a choice, it is very different.

GrannyGravy13 Thu 19-Dec-19 14:52:19

In our area cremation/burial within 5-6 days is possible.

The practicalities of people wanting to attend is more of a factor than “shortage of facilities” jura2

jura2 Thu 19-Dec-19 14:54:02

It depends on the area GG13.

MamaCaz Thu 19-Dec-19 15:03:52

When my dad died two years ago, the soonest slot available at the nearest crematorium was about two weeks later. That was acceptable to us, but it does seem a shame that those who might want a quicker funeral can't get it.

MissAdventure Thu 19-Dec-19 15:05:24

I thought two weeks was too soon. I suppose I didn't want to accept the situation.

kittylester Thu 19-Dec-19 15:07:51

I think there is something to be said for waiting a couple of weeks. The hiatus gives some calm time to organise and get everything in order especially for those travelling.

Nannarose Thu 19-Dec-19 15:13:07

Cultural expectations. Short notice tends to mean some mourners can't attend, and some have to ask suddenly for favours from work or family. Some think this acceptable. When our children were small, I had to cancel a much anticipated and rare treat so my DH could cover for a colleague who had 24 hours' notice to get to Bangladesh for his dad's funeral. He was most grateful, but we would have liked more notice!
I personally have been glad of the notice we usually get, so we can organise to attend.

craftyone Thu 19-Dec-19 15:19:45

whats the rush jura? Been there, wasn`t cruel at all, gave us ample time to say goodbye

Oopsminty Thu 19-Dec-19 15:25:33

Didn't think we had to wait long at all.

There's no real rush

Relatives and friends have to be informed. Many have to organise travel, work absence etc

My Mum died last year.

Her funeral was a burial and was 8 days after death.

No time at all.

I've never heard anyone complain about waiting times of funerals before.

Of course if there needs to be an inquest due to certain circumstances, then yes, there could be a wait

But not for the majority

Calendargirl Thu 19-Dec-19 15:33:12

If a post mortem is required, it can take a while. My friend’s husband’s funeral took place exactly one month after he died.

M0nica Thu 19-Dec-19 15:34:03

I would hate a rushed funeral (three or four days).There is so much happens between a death a funeral.

First there s the shock of the death, if it has been sudden, if long and lingering and almost longed for, there is that feeling of exhaustion, grief, relief that someone is no longer in pain. Then everyone has to be informed. This alopneacan take three or more days. In some families, family coming home for a funeral may need to fly or travel long distances and will need to book, transport, possibly hotels.

Then there is the organisation of the funeral,speaking to the undertaker, considering all the options, liaising with church and/or crematorium, booking a hotel or similar for the wake, or organising it at home.

Funeral in three or four days, horrendous. 10 days - fortnight gives you time to do the above carefully and calmly, while giving those most closely berieved to get used to the idea that the person is dead.

More than that, that does sometimes happen in bad winters is difficult.

M0nica Thu 19-Dec-19 15:36:32

Sorry about typos/spelling above. I have dodgy fingers (no feeling in the tips), a dodgy elderly keyboard and while I can spell, my fingers frequently can't and my proof reading skills are minimal.

Esspee Thu 19-Dec-19 15:43:13

My husband's death was expected so it was just 3 days between his passing and the funeral. I conducted the service myself which might have expedited things.
What made you think we have to wait a long time in the UK?

MawB Thu 19-Dec-19 15:56:33

Third or fourth day?
No way!
I was absolutely not ready for Paw’s funeral, 3 or 4 days after he died!
And grieving in my experience does not “take place” after a funeral. It starts, often before a death and as far as I am concerned, 2 years later, is still going on.
I needed time to recover from the trauma of the final days and weeks, time to be with my children, time to choose what I felt was the perfect music for his requiem mass, time to contact friends, time to choose photographs for two big display boards for the wake, time to choose a venue for that wake, time to choose some lovely winter flowers to place on the coffin - to echo the flowers DD2 had had for her wedding 3 years previously also in December and, well, just time.
I chose to have the funeral just under 4 weeks after he died - my choice.
I appreciate that at peak times of year it can take perhaps two to three weeks to arrange a cremation, but as I said, a small country churchyard and a requiem mass were up to us to arrange.

Tedber Thu 19-Dec-19 16:12:08

I am another who doesn’t think 2 weeks is too long. I was really upset that a very close friend abroad was cremated within 3 days. It was the custom so accepted that but it meant that a lot of friends and relatives who would like to have shown their respects for a wonderful man simply could not manage to arrange it!

When my mum died this year it took me at least a week to accept that I needed to organize a funeral (she was specific about her requirements). Could have done with a month!

No don’t think there is a problem unless the relatives specifically want it earlier.

M0nica Thu 19-Dec-19 16:27:25

Funerals in the UK generally take place about 2 weeks after the death. If it was shortage of facilities, then that time would be increasing and increasing, but it isn't, as a I said in my previous post, at busy times, like a bad winter, the time may be longer , but then it adjusts back to 2 weeks.

The length of time we wait in the UK, is not cruel, it is what most people want, and it is our custom. Just different from Switzerland, we are allowed national variation, despite 50 years in the EU!

Baggs Thu 19-Dec-19 16:34:48

We were perfectly happy to delay our mother's funeral for a month so that our brother could make it. It simply wasn't a problem in any form.

Three or four days would not have been long enough to inform everyone and for them to make their arrangements to get leave of absence from work and so forth.

TerriBull Thu 19-Dec-19 16:44:02

Maybe it correlates to the size of our population, I believe Switzerland has less than 10 million people?

We have attended a couple of funerals in the past two years where there was probably at least a 3 week time lapse between the date of death and funeral. I do think funerals at crematoriums have a conveyor belt feel to them. My deceased family members being catholic have tended to have a full requiem mass, not everyone's cup of tea, but at least there isn't that hurried feel about it. Someone we know was giving a eulogy at a crematorium service and he was told to hurry it along by the person who officiates shock

PamelaJ1 Thu 19-Dec-19 16:48:12

My dad died. I was on holiday in Aus when I heard the news of his death.
Very unexpected, a huge shock.

I started grieving immediately. Why wait🤔

Within hours I had a flight booked, the funeral was within the week. My sisters were with mum before the cremation, I was there, but only just.
Of course with hindsight it should have been scheduled for a little later but we were all new to arrangements for death.

If there has been a reason for a hold up then it is understandable that a funeral may have to wait. I feel that a couple of weeks is perfectly acceptable.