Am I being conspiratorial?

Stansgran you have mentioned this situation in your family before.
It seems nothing has changed over time.
Just accept , like I have, that you have done your best, or what you perceived as your best at the time.
Get on with things as they are, they may change, they may not.
We can’t influence others behaviour.

It's just very sad all round. The presents seem a trivial concern compared to the rift/s.

I wouldn't use the teenager to get information or help. Just send the gift and that's that. Why is your daughter not speaking to you?

That doesn’t sound like ‘conspiratorial’. This would be more like you’ve conspired to deliberately cause conflicts between people. If your daughter rarely speaks to you, then why is this? I know you don’t talk about dd1 with dd2, but do they get on? Would you say you set out to cause this conflict? If no, then you’re not conspiratorial.

I’m with you on this Tedber

I don't know about 'conspiritatol' but sure sounds odd.

Perhaps you know why your daughter doesn't speak to you? Maybe not. But either way if you want to send your daughter a gift, then just send it. No real need to involve anyone else is there?

Confusing asking you GD to buy something IF her mum 'wants' to celebrate her birthday and if not, to use it somewhere else? Does it really matter if anyone WANTS to celebrate a birthday? It is their birthday whether they choose to 'celebrate' or not! I would just send it, with love, for their birthday. (how they receive it is up to them)

Similarly...if you want to, just 'send' a hamper - surely someone will be in at some point?

I hope you resolve your family problems. Can't add any more because no idea how it has come to this.

@Hetty68 dd2 doesn't want to be a go between. I now no longer mention dd1 to dd2.

My two-penn'orth, for what it's worth is that you should continue to be your kind and thoughtful self, irresepective of how other people view your generosity.
You are not forcing dd1 to accept your gift, just sending it and you asked first.

When all's said and done, this is pretty much all you can do to show your love for a low-contact family member, isn't it?

If I actually knew where my NC son was, I may be doing the same - and for the same reason.

Stansgran I just wonder why people ( families) so often do not make time for each other. In fact so many people in general do not make time for people whether they know them or not. Maybe just the time of the year making me feel so sensitive and emotional about this.

Don’t believe anything you read in papers.

Maybe you're overthinking things. Perhaps a sister could be go-between communicator, though, rather than her daughter.