Over helpful neighbours

I tend to agree with ‘Notanan2’. Why don’t you nicely decline, explaining that you are just not up for it, but, say to your hubby to go ahead and accept without you, as he wants to go. That’s what I do, and it’s certainly not a problem.

"I just don't know how to stop the father bringing his little boy to see me bang on supper-making time when all I want is some peace.
Yes, I know, I'm an ungrateful cow!"

You are the opposite of ungrateful!

You neighbours seem to be people to cultivate the friendship of, and you are allowed a little social lie now and again. When the child comes when he is not wanted tell his nice parent you have diarrhoea. Or ghostly hallucinations. Or say a fashionable expletive he does not want the boy to hear.

Some people are too much in your face and then eventually start taking advantage of your better nature. I agree with the first comment. Just say no (thank you anyway... if appropriate). Just because they live next door doesn’t mean you need to be in each other’s pockets if you don’t want to.

@yehbutnobut yeh but....no but...
Sorry, I couldn't resist!

Wow this is scary ...dont know what to say .
Esther1 Im with you 100%. On this.
Just explain why you might not be available at times .How are they to know if you dont say they dont know your on pain killers.
Some of the suggestions of keeping them away that have been given are a bit much almost unkind.
I so hope when the time comes I will have these sort of neighbours.
One reason why we seem to have lost the neighbourly love is because of this exact reason .People dont know where they stand and so would rather stay away.
Thus people dead for days before its found out normally by an unpleasant smell

Perhaps the supper time visits is to enable the couple to prep for child's bedtime. Or are they out at work and this is a time available to them. They do seem kindly and hopefully helpful if you had a crisis. You do need to explain a bit about your health, not going into the whole picture, just a you are on strong medication and bt the late afternoon/evening you have no energy. Therefore you can't really entertain particularly a wee one. Your DH also has to take on board your health a bit more and if he is up to it then he can do the entertaining. Is there anyway they could fit in a visit Sat am short visit? They obviously want to be neighbourly but there is a line to be drawn when you can't cope.

I'd love to have young neighbours who popped in, especially with a child. I'd change my supper time so I could chat to them. Lots of people don't have friendly neighbours, enjoy them while you can. Children grow up so quickly, he won't want to come round when he is a bit older.

It's like that old joke of a pensioner being helped across the road who doesn't want to go.
A few years ago my new neighbours realised that I was going to be on my own on Christmas Day. I heard them go of and whisper together knowing what was coming. I had to persuade them that I wanted to be on my own and eventually said that I needed to be in as my mother would ring me from Canada (which was true but also an excuse). It is annoying to not be able to say, thanks but no thanks.
As others have said, let your husband go. He shouldn't accept invitations for both of you. I would go once in a while though. They mean well and seem generally nice and good neighbours are like gold dust.
The neighbours in my block often don't answer a knock on the door even if I know they are in which is a bit irritating as I only knock on their doors if I am trying to sort out a problem in the block that they have asked for my help with. They are very insistent though if I don't answer my door quickly enough. Before Christmas my neighbour actually walked in (for once the door wasn't locked) and I was asleep on the sofa - luckily dressed. I couldn't get cross because she had bought me a Christmas present but it has made me more vigilant about locking my door. I wouldn't change them though (2 out of the 3 at least).

Its your life your choice and are feeling pressurised by over bearing neighbours. Ok if that's what you want and that your husband seems to enjoy it, doesn't mean you have to go along with it. You say you have nearby family and I suggest you speak to them of your feelings. Let them deal with it and at the same time make it clear to their father of your feelings.

I think you need to let your husband go to their house without you and he can also explain you’re on medication that makes you tired if you don’t think you can explain to them yourself although why you can just say I m not able to be much of a host at the moment as I get so tired taking a,b and c medication
They obviously think they’re looking out for you and would be hurt at rejection I guess Have they not been there long perhaps it’s a novelty
When they knock next time can’t you just say How lovely to see you but could you come another time as we re in the middle of dinner or just don’t answer the door if that’s easier
They could be saviours if you were in trouble I don’t know any of my neighbours only to nod to I wish I did If I was in trouble I wouldn’t know who to go to

See thats what i meant,as your hubbys still sprightly enough for working every day etc,they prob think your only both early 60's- often its hard for younger folk to guess at elder peoples age? Just say if you must,"were 80 you know,but hubbys less frail than me"! And drop in conversation how many kids& grandkids you have etc,so they know,( also,are you sure your hubbys not encouraging them to 'keep an eye on you' when hes out at work? But the suppertime thing,yes i definately think the mums getting them out the way while she cooks by saying" go see mrs x next door'- so just shut door firmly with a sorry we're just getting our evening meal at this time.or simply dont answer door when its mealtimes.

I have a similar situation.We have a holiday house, we dont live in the UK, we have a very kind helpful neighbour, BUT she pops in all the time, even before I am dressed, then she suggests what "we do today" regardless of my plans, she doesnt do this when my husband is with me, I have to plan what to say each day as I dont want to be going out with her every day,I love my freedom to wander around shops etc on my own, or I end up having to look at things she wants,I have suggested we meet up for a cup of tea somewhere, but this every day popping in is getting me down to be honest.I certainly dont want to offend her but what can I say,she knows I dont know a lot of people I can visit, and sees when I go out etc, a little advice please ladies.

I agree with Esther, no matter how you say it, they will be embarrassed/offended. Do you think that your DH might have asked them to keep an eye on you whilst he's at work?
Why not prep supper earlier and be taking a nap at the time they call?
You could always go for a meal with DH and then leave early - blame your meds, and leave DH there?
My mother refuses our bbq's as she's just not comfy sitting outside.
Avoidance is better than telling them not to come Imo.

Yes,just say,sorry but im just putting our evening meal out,maybe nxt time,& close door.sounds harsh,but nxt time they might think twice? You must stipulate'evening meal' as 'supper' to some-depending on where they moved from,can mean other 'lesser' things-supper in north is just a quick bite before bed-especially for a child, its like a bag of crisps& a piece of fruit for example,so they might not think theyre keeping you from your hot meal? Also,it could be that they use that time for the dad to get the boisterous child out from under the mums feet while she does their evening meal,so dont encourage a habit of it,just keep on shutting door on them,theyl soon get the message unless theyre stupid! Maybe your hubby could attend their bbq's etc in summer alone,and just say "mrs aint as sprightly as i am" & theyl leave you in peace,i also suspect theyre keen to invite their neighbours,no matter what age,to drinks,meals& bbq's as thats the usual way for them not to complain about any noise or disruption caused by these things?!So youre right to nip it all in the bud,now.could be they cant guess how old you are,could be they think your only early 60's- so up to doing more than you are now? Just say,and tell them you have nearby family of your own,they may indeed think you 'need' them as youve no-one!

You could tell them how reassuring it is that a neighbor is looking out for you as you're getting older, but word it something like this "only I don't really want to accept the invitations because really we get tired too easily for that sort of thing to appeal. I feel guilty keep turning you down, but we'd simply not enjoy it"

I used to shop for a much older neighbor, and he usually just wanted to take the shopping at the door and rarely invited me in. I could see that he'd just used up the last of his energy getting to the front door and just wanted me to go so he could struggle back to his chair and collapse for a few minutes without having to be sociable like he might have felt obliged to be if I had brought it through for him

Really difficult. Young parents do think that everyone loves their children. We are all like this. I feel for you, I remember when I was starting working from home and had to be very disciplined, a friend of mine used to drop in with her 4 year old after school- I remember how I fumed. No hints got through. Awful. But your lot sound so well intentioned, just be careful, if you can, not to humiliate them. It is humiliating to feel that your good intentions are rejected. So you’ll need all the wisdom you have acquired I’m sure you can do it. I love the coat by the door suggestion! It is presumptuous of them. Some people get more insistent the more you push them away because it makes them feel insecure.

I think you need to be honest. Find the strength to be that.
'It's lovely to see you but we are just going to sit down for tea.'
The problem is for their good deed they are turning into a nuisance for you and it will make you more tired than ever because it stresses you out.
Is your husband in agreement with You?
Be strong this situation needs to change and only you can do it in a tactful way. Good luck

Sorry the above paragraph
Ask your husband to sort this one. Talk to him, tell him you are exhausted and don't want to be the one discussing it with them because you don't want to offend them, but might because of your medication.... Should have finished with your medication making you mentally tired on top of being generally tired from recovering etc

Just say Thank you but no Thank you to there requests . Explain to them your happy to stay in your own home . When they turn up while your preparing dinner just tell them politely it isn't convenient at the moment .

From your update it actually makes a bit more sense. Your husband is still out working and not home till six, you've recently had an accident and are on morphine - maybe they are genuinely worried about you but don't realise they're just going a little bit over the top x
Ask your husband to sort this one. Talk to him, tell him you are exhausted and don't want to be the one discussing it with them because you don't want to offend them, but might because of your medication.....
Get him to accept invitations for himself, not you. If they call round at an inconvenient time, let your husband deal with it.
You honestly sound mentally exhausted to me which is why this is becoming even more of a problem - and in turn tiring you out even more thinking about it.
Morphine did nothing for me pain wise - but it made me so drowsy and completely scrambled my brain so they had to change me to something else instead.
Good luck on your recovery and I hope you find a way to sort this with as little upset as possible because on the whole, you'd much rather neighbors like this than party animals/completely ignore you/sucked lemon faces/death stare if you dare to smile and say hello/hedge stealing/tree murdering/10ft fence erectors/gnome kidnapper neighbors ? xx

There is no need to be too direct about it, making it an "issue" and possibly causing offence and putting them off helping you when you do need it. Just be glad to see them, but ask them to delay their visit until ???? when you will have time to sit down and talk to them properly, or sit them down to talk to your husband while you continue what you were doing.

YOU are in charge in your house. THEY are visiting you. Be nice to them, but use the experience and tact of your 80 years to influence them to time their visits to suit YOU.

Like thousands of people, I've just spent the entire christmas and new year alone, most of it in bed. Neighbours? They don't know I exist.
Some people have neighbours who put shit through their doors...or have other delightful anti-social pursuits.
Yes, it's difficult to explain when ones tired...but there are positives to your situation. Not least this little boy is being brought up to believe in community. By spending a little time with him you are giving to the next generation in a very real way.
Just a thought.

It is very u stand able you feel as you do , you are not being unreasonable Maybe you could invite one of your children round when you expect the neighbour to call and have polite word with them on your behalf.

I too agree with Elegran’s idea. Maybe the neighbours are taking too seriously these ‘look after elderly people in your neighbourhood’ suggestions.

You sound as if you a letting this become 'a thing'. No one can keep up this level of commitment indefinitely. It will gradually slow down.
I have a friend who keeps her coat handy and if the doorbell goes she puts it on. If it is someone she wants to see she says she has just come in and if it is not then she says she is just going out.