Live in partner financial contribution

Totally agree with JenniferEccles

There’s obviously something niggling away in the background for you to come on here to ask advice.

You moved in together quickly so unless that happened ages ago, you should still be in the ‘loved up’ sort of honeymoon period surely, not having doubts already.

I would second the advice to seek legal clarification as regards your house.

1. Stop worrying about what other people think. It is what you think that matters, and others' views should not be allowed to undermine you.
2. Do you love this man - and do you enjoy the things you do together?
3. Is the idea that he is not pulling his weight yours, or does it come from outside? (see No.1 above)
4. His family are bound to have mixed feelings about you in a broken family situation.
5. Might it be a positive thing if he talks about how happy his life is with you?

I would get on and enjoy this lovely opportunity that has come your way!

Thanks Welbeck I think you’ve tuned in to my insecurities and the advice to listen to my instincts is good. My intuition and instincts tell me to go for it - it’s good more than not - but my independent head’s nose is put out of joint! If that makes any sense!
I think I just need to let go. I’m a naturally cautious person and I think this is my sensible side disallowing my need for romance and fun to play. Balance is everything. At the end of the day, does it really matter if he’s not as careful with using my “things” as much as I am? Does it matter that I have his “things” around me when I’m an ardent cleaner-upper? I guess time will tell!

Thank you for your comments Barmey I feel reassured that my insecurities are just the little voices I’ve been bombarded with in my past. I feel much lighter about it now and will make the necessary arrangements for my peace of mind asset-wise. I’m going to remind myself that life is for living.

Did you really want him living with you? Would you feel happier if he rented his own flat nearby?

trust your instincts.
not saying he is a bad person, or up to anything, or a conman, but the majority of men are not; that's not a reason to live with them, or rather have them living with you in your territory.
if he'd had his own place when you met, you probably would not have moved in together.
this all seems rushed. his flat purchase fell through, and you appeared on the horizon, with a nice, well-run house and open to hooking up. it was v convenient. I think you both enjoyed a change, someone to be romantic with, but...
I doubt that it has legs. it will not run and run. and your doubts, annoyances, and resentment will grow.
i'd say beware. he is not fully committed to you, rather enjoying a kind of friend with benefits and board/lodging.

The age gap isn't that much and I wouldn't worry about it. Mr B is younger than me by nearly 2 years, but we don't notice it, its how we get on that counts.

Its early days yet and you both sorting out things your, he seems to be fair about paying his way and his bragging, was I think more of look how happy and good life is for me.

You are having to put up with a lot from outside, your mother, his AC being rude and on top of this your own insecurities. If it was me, well I would make sure legally I was covered and go for it, as long as you and he are both happy, life is just to short.

Naty I feel you’ve hit on something here! Not blowing my own trumpet but trying to gain some insight, I think he realises I’m more attractive than him but he’s 3 and a half years younger - a sort of trade off I guess. My insecurities are around if he might think I’m grateful to have him, being a younger man, and I would therefore put up with it. This is at the root of it. Comments from my mother don’t help as she disapproves of his younger status saying he’s taking advantage etc. because I’m grateful. She even remarked that I look older than him once in a bid to have me dump him! (That’s another whole story). Just to say that friends, colleagues and acquaintances including his parents, think we’re well-matched in the attraction/age stakes or that I have the edge. Sorry if I sound arrogant but just trying to paint a picture as I clearly am not reassured by their kind words.

Okay, I've just read your responses. If you truly like him/love him and he feels the same and shows you through actions, you'll work it out with clear communication and transparency. Yes, he left a chaotic household and is breathing more easily now. I'd have a few insecurities as well..

...are you both more or less just as physically attractive? Do you have common interests and decent conversation?

Best of luck!

I think. something else may be bothering you. It doesn't sound like he's taking advantage of you. If anything, he takes you out and treats you... maybe you are resentful that more of his income should be going to pad your lifestyle (nothing wrong with that!!!!). You don't mention having kids, so maybe that's why...

I understand that he'd struggle A LOT if he didn't have your mortgage free home to go to, though. If he isn't treating you well or good to you in other ways than financial, be careful.

There was a story on the news earlier about how lots of people are in a committed relationship but don't live together these days as they like their own space.
It's a big enough thing setting up home from scratch as a young couple, but having someone move in to your house at an older age must take a lot of negotiation or tongue biting!
My husband goes on a boys golfing holiday for a week every September and I love having the house to myself. But then if there's a DIY job to do I expect him to do it. So overall I'm happier he's here!
It's early days for the two of you but could you compile a pros and cons list to help you think through if you're better with him there or not?

Hi Hetty. Having reflected on everyone’s thoughts here I think this is the underlying insecurity I had although Grannyknot has made me think about what is it more that I’d like him to do. I guess my real resentment is the sharing of my space with someone who seems to take it for granted. His family home as I’ve already said was chaotic and busy with lots of demands on him as a breadwinner which he’s glad to be out of because he was the one who was taken for granted but he did say once he missed the banter; I’ve got used to a much more peaceful life since my boys moved on. Makes me feel I’m a bit too staid for him. Also - he’s quite heavy handed and things are getting mysteriously broken/general wear and tear is more visible.

I guess overall I’ve got used to being my own person and if I’m ever to live with a companion I will just have to suck it up! (Or live with the alternatives!)

SirChenjin, my godson did that: go from meeting to engagement in a weekend and married when he returned from his next stint at sea, he was in the Navy, not the RAF.

In his case, sadly, he married in haste and repented at leisure

That’s moving quickly!

DH and I obviously!

DH got engaged after six weeks and his parents got engaged after a long weekend (he was in the RAF so hardly saw each other between the engagement and wedding a year later!)

I know Riverwalk it happened quite quickly. He was buying a flat that fell through and we seemed to be good for each other possibly he swept me off my feet I was a little I recovered from a previous relationship as was he; he was flattered by the attention from me following his wife’s affair. I think we both thought life is short - how much have we left? We’ve both lost friends and relatives who are younger than us and didn’t make it this far so I think we just let caution to the wind, both trusting each other’s motives. It’s not until the dust settled that my insecurities and probably annoyances manifested. Just little things - like the way a couple of his adult kids are rude towards me. I was not responsible for his break up I met him well-after but they see me as the reason he won’t get back with his wife. I know it shouldn’t matter as we both know the truth and I’m the bigger person but his making of excuses for them makes me furious.

Well only you know what you gain from this relationship and I assume you're happy with him. But he did fall on his feet when he met you and quickly moved in!

You split expenses 50/50, he pays for entertainment, and does a bit of DIY; however he doesn't have to pay for a roof over his head and this has enabled him to continue to finance the other household.

From what you say he was internet dating when still under the same roof and not yet divorced - he could well be a nice guy but I can understand your unease.

But what I can never understand though is why an independent grown woman allows a man move in so quickly! I've seen it before with colleagues - the guy is always keen to move in, so convenient, for him.

The financial circumstances of his ex and offspring should not concern you when you are calculating your own household's costs and who pays for what. That he suggested joint account is a good sign.

That seems like a reasonable request from you. If he has an asset that he effectively isn't able to access but has to contribute to the maintenance and upkeep of a place where 4 adults live then I can see why he might feel it's time to sort that out. Do they need to live there? It sounds like it's time for him and his ex to make a plan to move forward with their separate lives.

We have a joint account (his suggestion) and we both contribute equally every month. Everything comes out of that so it’s equal and I don’t hesitate to replace broken household items from that. I guess it’s the fact the ex is living in a massive house with three adult children who are treated as if they’re much younger. He seems to have had the realisation recently this has got to change, though, and he’s talking about sorting his assets. I know nothing to do with me but it would show that he’s moved on.

Why is he still paying for the upkeep of his house?

Trust your gut instinct perhaps?

I agree with Grannyknot your partner is paying his way, I'm not sure what else you want him to do.
Is there something else worrying you about the relationship ?

As MerylStreep wrote it depends what you mean by bragging maybe he was saying how happy he is with the practical and emotional arrangements . You will know how much he considers your welfare in everyday matters.

You say he contributes to the bills. He should also be paying his share of new washing machine, new TV set, new shower, and other running expenses as uses all these things, but not big house alterations unless you share a mutual interest in the value of your house as real estate.

I imagine he shoulders the expenses of shared entertainments like theatre, concerts, restaurants, holidays, drinks, and so forth . (You say he usually pays when you "go out".)These can cost quite a lot of money and if you do most of the cooking and housework you are paying your way.
However and it's a big however he is getting free lodging in your house and bed. This is worth a lot depending on how nice the accommodation is. I bet you have a nice place and a nice bed!

You need to read the riot act to him.Sounds as if he should pay more unless he is very very attractive in some special way . Is he a handsome famous actor ? The DIY skills are certainly a bonus.

I think you are very right to be thinking of who pays for what.