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Live in partner financial contribution

(42 Posts)
Mambypamby Mon 06-Jan-20 14:03:31

Hi, first time poster but been reading and enjoying for weeks! AIBU? I am 60 soon to be 61 and met my 57 year old partner online in the summer of 2018. He was going through a divorce living separately under the same roof, still has what he calls “dependents” as his adult kids are still not independent. Technically only one is legally financially dependent. Partner moved in pretty quickly - at our age we know what we want - his divorce is now final. I’m feeling a little “convenient” for him. He contributes financially 50/50 split for all bills, food etc. When we go out he usually pays. Also does the odd job that needs doing as he’s very handy DIY wise! In return he gets very well looked after. Starting to feel a little “used” as I heard him bragging about his easy lifestyle to a mate. Must add my house is mortgage free so no rent etc to pay. He also owns the family home with the ex (also mortgage free) but he contributes to upkeep and maintenance. Why do I feel this way?

M0nica Mon 06-Jan-20 14:09:42

Because he is taking you and living off your care for granted.

Do not rush into marrying him and make a will.

Mambypamby Mon 06-Jan-20 14:12:51

Yes that is how it feels ☹️

Dottygran59 Mon 06-Jan-20 14:19:27

Hmmm, do you love him? Does he cherish you? What does he not do that you wish he would?

Just asking to get a better picture

Jane10 Mon 06-Jan-20 14:23:28

He splits the bills, pays when you're out and does any DIY required. What more do you want? I think you're being unreasonable.

Sara65 Mon 06-Jan-20 14:26:53

Tend to agree with Jane10

Hetty58 Mon 06-Jan-20 14:31:01

I'd be wary that he may have a future claim against your house. If he has contributed, DIY wise, and you separate later on, he could have a legal claim to a share of it. Why not see a solicitor, just to find out how to protect your rights?

Hetty58 Mon 06-Jan-20 14:34:31

Read this:

SirChenjin Mon 06-Jan-20 14:37:03

None of us on here can say for sure why you’re feeling that way but I’d say trust your instincts - if your spidey senses are telling you something’s not right then it probably isn’t.

What more would you like him to do? Have you spoken to a solicitor to check where you stand legally if you were to split up or predecease him?

MerylStreep Mon 06-Jan-20 14:44:03

It all depends on what you mean by bragging
Maybe he was just very happy that he'd found an independent woman who loves him and doesn't take from him ( not saying that his ex wife did)

Chloejo Mon 06-Jan-20 14:46:30

I’ve private message you

Dottygran59 Mon 06-Jan-20 14:46:37

Yes, Meryl has a point, I'm thinking that if you hadn't overheard him bragging would you have still felt like this? Do you feel that he contributes as much to the relationship as you do? Are you resentful that he still supports his AC?

Daisymae Mon 06-Jan-20 15:06:09

Well it does sound as though things are very convenient for him. You have picked up on this and hearing him bragging how well he has his life sorted has confirmed your feelings. I would be very wary, its early days yet. I would certainly take legal advice regarding your financial situation.

DoraMarr Mon 06-Jan-20 15:11:26

Perhaps you have rushed into this without giving enough time to getting to know each other. His financial arrangements are not your concerns. If he is contributing 50-50 and doing diy and paying when you go out it seems he is doing more than paying his way, so perhaps, as others have said, there is something else that is worrying you. He may well have been bragging about his new comfortable life- presumably his life before he met you was not easy, but that doesn’t mean to say he is taking you for granted, he is just grateful. The bottom line is- do you love him? Does he love you? Can you see a future together, as you get older and, perhaps, suffer health problems? Would you be content to be his career, in the worst case situation? Would he be yours?

Hetty58 Mon 06-Jan-20 15:16:54

Mambypamby, you ask why you feel this way. How can you be absolutely certain that he truly loves you - when it IS so very convenient for him to stay with you? That is a problem!

Grannyknot Mon 06-Jan-20 15:33:40

Hi Mamby here are my thoughts for what they're worth.

Would we be having this discussion if it was a man who had written the OP?

I'm with those who say what's not to like - he does DIY, contributes 50/50, pays when you go out. In other words, he is not freeloading/a passenger/taking advantage. To me that shows that he does appreciate you.

So what if he "brags" about living a good life - my OH tells his mates all the time how lucky he is to have me smile (I've also overheard him saying that he will never leave me, because it's a jungle out there. That just made me laugh).

Are you happy?

The only thing that needs sorting is the question of whether or not he will have a legal claim on your house, should the relationship run its course in time.

Mambypamby Mon 06-Jan-20 16:14:24

Thanks everyone I love the differing views it’s helped me get some perspective. Playing devil’s advocate my negativity is probably a hangover from a lifetime of looking over my shoulder making sure I’m not being taken advantage of. As our dear Phil Larkin said - they F you up your mum and dad! Thanks Hetty and Chloe for your advice re: assets etc I’ve got my son onto this (professionally) and I will definitely make firm arrangements so that I can rest easy. I’m relieved that mostly people think I am being unreasonable! That’s exactly what I needed to hear to being me back to “happy” and to stop my worrying unnecessarily. I feel like I’ve had a reality check from everyone for which I am very grateful. Thanks guys ❤️

Alexa Mon 06-Jan-20 16:17:51

As MerylStreep wrote it depends what you mean by bragging maybe he was saying how happy he is with the practical and emotional arrangements . You will know how much he considers your welfare in everyday matters.

You say he contributes to the bills. He should also be paying his share of new washing machine, new TV set, new shower, and other running expenses as uses all these things, but not big house alterations unless you share a mutual interest in the value of your house as real estate.

I imagine he shoulders the expenses of shared entertainments like theatre, concerts, restaurants, holidays, drinks, and so forth . (You say he usually pays when you "go out".)These can cost quite a lot of money and if you do most of the cooking and housework you are paying your way.
However and it's a big however he is getting free lodging in your house and bed. This is worth a lot depending on how nice the accommodation is. I bet you have a nice place and a nice bed!

You need to read the riot act to him.Sounds as if he should pay more unless he is very very attractive in some special way . Is he a handsome famous actor ? The DIY skills are certainly a bonus.

I think you are very right to be thinking of who pays for what.

sodapop Mon 06-Jan-20 16:22:13

I agree with Grannyknot your partner is paying his way, I'm not sure what else you want him to do.
Is there something else worrying you about the relationship ?

grannymy Mon 06-Jan-20 16:27:30

Why is he still paying for the upkeep of his house?

Trust your gut instinct perhaps?

Mambypamby Mon 06-Jan-20 16:41:06

We have a joint account (his suggestion) and we both contribute equally every month. Everything comes out of that so it’s equal and I don’t hesitate to replace broken household items from that. I guess it’s the fact the ex is living in a massive house with three adult children who are treated as if they’re much younger. He seems to have had the realisation recently this has got to change, though, and he’s talking about sorting his assets. I know nothing to do with me but it would show that he’s moved on.

SirChenjin Mon 06-Jan-20 16:54:46

That seems like a reasonable request from you. If he has an asset that he effectively isn't able to access but has to contribute to the maintenance and upkeep of a place where 4 adults live then I can see why he might feel it's time to sort that out. Do they need to live there? It sounds like it's time for him and his ex to make a plan to move forward with their separate lives.

Alexa Mon 06-Jan-20 17:10:24

The financial circumstances of his ex and offspring should not concern you when you are calculating your own household's costs and who pays for what. That he suggested joint account is a good sign.

Riverwalk Mon 06-Jan-20 17:45:04

Well only you know what you gain from this relationship and I assume you're happy with him. But he did fall on his feet when he met you and quickly moved in!

You split expenses 50/50, he pays for entertainment, and does a bit of DIY; however he doesn't have to pay for a roof over his head and this has enabled him to continue to finance the other household.

From what you say he was internet dating when still under the same roof and not yet divorced - he could well be a nice guy but I can understand your unease.

But what I can never understand though is why an independent grown woman allows a man move in so quickly! I've seen it before with colleagues - the guy is always keen to move in, so convenient, for him.

Mambypamby Mon 06-Jan-20 19:00:42

I know Riverwalk it happened quite quickly. He was buying a flat that fell through and we seemed to be good for each other possibly he swept me off my feet I was a little I recovered from a previous relationship as was he; he was flattered by the attention from me following his wife’s affair. I think we both thought life is short - how much have we left? We’ve both lost friends and relatives who are younger than us and didn’t make it this far so I think we just let caution to the wind, both trusting each other’s motives. It’s not until the dust settled that my insecurities and probably annoyances manifested. Just little things - like the way a couple of his adult kids are rude towards me. I was not responsible for his break up I met him well-after but they see me as the reason he won’t get back with his wife. I know it shouldn’t matter as we both know the truth and I’m the bigger person but his making of excuses for them makes me furious.