Feeling hurt over unappreciated gift

I think he was very rude. Not sure what I would have done to be honest. Perhaps just give him the receipt so he can get a refund himseld probably. Next year I wouldn't put as much effort in.

I think he was very rude and immature. There is a certain etiquette when it comes to receiving presents. If he wanted a gift card, then someone should have told you beforehand. My own grown-up son has complained about several presents we've given him (don't know where he learned such disrespect), and even returned a couple, one of which he asked for (breadmaker)!!! When he was a young boy, he was far more polite in this sort of situation. Now, he sends a link by email of the exact thing he and DIL (and now GC) want. He is another who can buy anything he wants. Still trying to get it right with them as they now say they prefer 'experiences' to create memories rather than stuff. I have also had a present rejected in the past by my grandmother and mother. Perhaps they felt that they could because it was me, or because it was only me. Either way, I was hurt. It can be such a pleasure to give, so it is horrible when that is rejected. Sometimes I wish we could just all gather for a lovely meal and a winter walk and leave it at that.

Willa, I’m very glad you are moving past this. Good for you

hithere
In another thread with this same issue, plenty of posters thought being polite as saying how much they loved it, thanking the giver multiple times and keeping it in order not to hurt the giver's feelings

That is the definition of dishonesty /lying for me.

Yes, it’s extremely dishonest to me as well. And not only that, it encourages the gift giver to waste more money over the years.

Bridgeit
No it’s being respectful to the giver, the giver has tried to give something that they hope will be liked or useful or both so saying thank you is acknowledging the effort of the giver if not the actual item.

But he DID say thank you.
-nannan2
No im with the OP, if it was a very expensive gift and then put to one side as though for charity

We don’t actually know that that was the plan though. It was just an assumption made according to the original post.

I have never been profusely thanked for anything I have donated to charity. I’m lucky if I get a quick “thank you”

I would give half the value back as a gift card and spend the rest on yourself. Your dd could have given you the heads up re preferring gift cards to save you hunting around. Next Christmas stop buying for the adults or set a limit e.g £10 for a fun gift so it's not a bother and not too many £s wasted if not liked. I only buy for 2 ac and gc and 1 bf. I usually say if anyone buys me anything I have to be able to eat it or drink it. That way once consumed I don't have to find it houseroom

A few years ago I found myself in a similar situation. I completely over reacted , mishandled it and consequently announced I was buying no more gifts. Five years on Christmas has become an absolute nightmare for me - everyone tiptoes round it but I have in fact ruined the occasion for everyone. I discovered this year that my husband had secretly bought gifts for the family without telling me (not much thought went into them) Please please don't take it to heart - forget about it - next year gift cards all round. It's not worth making an issue of it - I have found to my cost.

I ask parents what to buy for their children, and sometimes ask adult members of the family to give me some suggestions. I try to buy what the parents of the children say they would like, and hope these are enjoyed.
I would not spend a lot of money on something, unless I was very sure it would be appreciated.
Sometimes, with some people, you can't win! Don't spend more than you can afford, ever!

The last two years our family has done Secret Santa which has taken the stress out of present giving, you could suggest that.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to share your wisdom, your empathy and even your constructive criticism.

Let me say also that after reading all the replies, I realized it wasn't hurt that I felt, after all. It was that I thought I had finally hit a 'home run'.....I had found the perfect gift for someone who is hard to please....a gift that would finally be received with genuine enthusiasm and joy. When that didn't happen, what I felt was disappointment. Later, I became upset at the notion that even at Christmas, someone would prefer what amounts to a wad of hard cash being passed off as gentrified plastic!

So yes!....he now has his gift card, voucher or however you want to call it. It obviously pleased him to no end. All the same, there were never any hard feelings, much less over this. Even if there had been, we are a forgiving family.

So, (just to get in my last word ) and for whatever it's worth, I was brought up in the school of "It's not the gift itself that matters, it's always the thought that counts".

Thanks again and may the New Year bring you all many blessings

PS. We didn't share any wish lists this year....Not that he's ever provided one anyway Some people enjoy being a pain in the b...t!

OP,

Your feelings are hurt because reality did not meet your expectations.

Now you are punishing your sil.
"You didn't like my present so I take it away! You don't deserve anything!"

It is a childish reaction.
Just change the strategy next year.
Why not talking to your dd about what to do next year?
It would not be wise to have more present drama again and create a precedent.

hi, i had a similar problem with my daughter. She messaged me on 26th Dec to say that my Grandaughter did not like her presents. I am very hurt. ok Grandaughter is 15 now but i thought pygamas cwqere for sleeping in and last year was asked to contribute £200 towards an organ for her so gave less at xmas.The hat scarf and mitts no use either..

Such a shame your gift idea was not appreciated, but the big 'take' from your post is that he is a good son-in-law. Hang on to that thought, and maybe go with vouchers next time. Or, as many of us on here do, just give a wee token to the adults, or do a family Secret Santa, while giving bigger gifts only to the children.
Have a think about Binkiebonk's post. Don't think anyone else has picked up on it. That might be a more important issue for you to consider.

Maybe SIL felt he would look presumptuous asking for vouchers. OP could have asked DD if there was anything SIL wanted. I always ask DD and DS what they, their partners and their children want. That way no one gets an unwanted gift and no one gets a voucher when they would like a gift.

Are you really going to upset your relationship over a misjudged gift? He could have been a bit more enthusiastic but that would have been dishonest and next year you might have bought a poker set to go with it. You asked the question of your daughter and now you don't like the answer. I think you ABU if you don't get him a gift card but nobody can help feeling hurt, it's just how you deal with that hurt.

For that reason, I never buy expensive gifts. I give money or gift cards and token gifts like pj's or smellies. I always include the receipt, so if they wish, they can exchange them.

you put a lot of thought into that gift willa45.You must have been very hurt by his attitude.

It's obvious that you took a great deal of thought in buying his gift. Make no mistake, it was rude of him to dismiss it, not open the box and then to leave it by the garage door so you were likely (indeed did) see it. His behaviour was wrong and so was your daughter's to be so blunt and tell you he wanted gift cards. It was her responsibility to tell you that before Christmas ..... or was it? Where have the days of gratefully receiving a gift simply because someone has been kind enough to think of you and buy something they thought would please you. Despite the fact I think he most definitely in the wrong, on this ONE occasion I would bite the very nasty tasting bullet, buy him a gift card and send it with your best wishes. That should draw a line under it and stop it festering into the future. I empathise totally. Take care

I understand how hurt you feel; those who have lots just don't seem to get excited about gifts the way less endowed people do. Don't take it personally and feel rejected. I am given some ghastly items by well- meaning friends which go straight to the charity shop. If it's an accessory for the home I worry that they'll be upset if they don't spot it when they visit but honestly, I can't display something in my home that offends my aesthetic sensibilities. If people love or respect you they try harder to please you but some are so wrapped up in themselves they don't consider other people's feelings. Just let your disappointment go.

He thanked you politely. He's not been rude.

I understand why you're upset. IME people who 'want for little' moan more about what they consider to be presents which are less than perfect and don't appreciate the effort taken to get them. One of my BILs is a bit like that, the result being that I don't bother to get anything for him now.
If I were you I wouldn't put too much effort into his presents from now on - just a gift token and like it or lump it, if that. It may sound mean but it's mean-spirited to complain. I was brought up to believe that there is just one response required when receiving a present, which is 'thank you.'

If OP wants to replace his gift then she should buy him some of the gift cards he wanted,to replace the original gift,but not go over the top costwise?

I usually ask my adult children what they and their partners would like, but I do know how you feel @Willa45 as last year I gave my daughters and daughter in law hand made Journals for Christmas. I found out later that my daughter in law had given hers straight to her daughter as she did not like it.
It is very hard this present giving business, you put effort in and sometimes it proves wasted.
Now that you have returned the gift, I would buy a gift card as a replacement but not necessarily for the whole amount. And next year just buy him a gift card.

To avoid this situation I ask my adult children what they, their partners and their children would like for birthdays and Christmas. I have done this for many years and it saves spending money on things that aren't really wanted

No im with the OP, if it was a very expensive gift and then put to one side as though for charity(or possibly regifting, where the SIL would have been thanked profusely) then she should have returned it herself.in fact she may have to have done it herself as the actual buyer- some places dont let a receiver of a gift return it for lawful reasons.If the SIL only really wanted gift cards then why didnt he TELL EVERYONE in the run up to christmas,so they could each buy him a smaller amount one maybe £10 or £20?,then he'd still end up with a higher amount to buy a higher priced gift with the cards,without one person forking out a lot on him?(theyre not psychic how does anyone know he wanted those if he doesnt tell them?) If he has everything already im assuming hes not short of a bob or two so it wouldnt be a problem for him to make up a difference anyway? My SIL is also a bit hard to buy for( not because he has everything) but i dont go out of my way to buy him handcrafted expensive gifts! This sounds like a case of 'keeping up with the jonses' so next year buy him a charity donation gift so he gives some thought to others.? Or just buy him a small amount gift card,its mostly for kids really so i get theirs then smaller 'token gifts' for the adults so no ones left out.But im always thanked for the gifts and they're opened& looked at.i think maybe he had earmarked it for regifting.Is there a nice malt whiskey or some such he drinks,which he could drink over the holidays & enjoy perhaps? Or a special foodie gift he would appreciate? I try to match the gift with what a person likes,without going over the top on cost.

I agree with Hithere, do you really want a SiL who lies, pretends, fawns? I certainly don’t. He said thank you and only when you asked his wife, were you told it wasn’t his cup of tea.

You have taken his present away without his knowledge, you said you’d get the refund for him but then, you have suggested spending the money on yourself!

Just who is being dishonest here? In my view, a roulette wheel isn't really suitable for family games nights, no skill, all chance! ?