Feeling hurt over unappreciated gift

one year I brought my D a M&S cardigan.She said 'Oh Mum I can't wear that'!
all the family laughed and it found a good home elsewhere. Happy Days

Please don’t be upset, although with so much thought I can well understand your feelings. I have a birthday in December somis hard for family to get it righttwice over in a month. I guess I can afford whatever I would like but want for very very little. A poundshop diary, handcream, a classic novel, a simple bottle of booze and a bar of 70% cocoa chocolate. What do I get, (having lost 4 stone in 4 months, through hard work). Litre bottles of booze x3 loads of handcream the biggest box of mixed chocolate and a brilliant book voucher. I am thankful but so wish my df would spend less on me that would make me so very happy. I came from a poor family and Xmas seems always about spending to the hilt not simple fun. Maybe we should limited all adult gift spending to an amount. Albeit £10 much harder to shop for ?

It is hard isn’t it?
When I was given my fifth teapot wedding present I burst into tears only to be gently reminded by my MIL -to-be, tgat it was “given with love”
Men can be particularly difficult, I usually settle for alcohol - an unusual gin, for instance- or something else which can be consumed. In his 30’s DH sported à beard and my Mum could not understand our hilarity at her gift of aftershave! (Maybe a subtle hint though)
Move on, we have all made similar mistakes and personally I would rather not remember mine!

I would just say to him, " I wasn't sure whether you would like my birthday present so here is the receipt and you can return it if you want to, I don't mind."

I think it is awful to take the gift and not give something else. That is mean spirited. You say he is a wonderful son in law so keep your counsel and don't say anything about your disappointment . Good son in laws are hard to find .

I'm of the 'hey ho - get over it' school of thought. There are far worse things happening everywhere.

Yes, he was unappreciative but I would put it behind you. I don’t think I would have taken it back but as you have, I would either give him the money(which he will no doubt love!) and laugh about it all, or keep the money yourself and say in future you’ll give him gift cards.

I can understand your disappointment. You put a lot of thought and effort into finding what you hoped was the perfect gift. Unfortunately it wasn't. Personally, unless I am sure of what my adult relatives would like, I give cash or gift cards. I hate the idea of buying something that will go to waste, both from the financial and environmental aspect. It doesn't mean I haven't put thought into the present. My niece once bought a door with money I had given her, not something I would have thought of, but what she needed at the time.

Don't fall out with him. Not giving him a gift next year will look silly and sulky. Just give him a moderately priced gift card this year and again next year. Take the roulette wheel back to the shop and get your money back. Don't comment about the gift just be above it all.

This ‘gift issue’ really gets out of hand at Christmas.
As a family we give vouchers on the principle that our adult children need the money as they are early in their working lives.
But our Christmas Day is full of presents! We source our present from Charity Shops and everybody aims to win the most funny or crazy present ever. This year we found a book on EU Law for our brother in ‘law’ who has never stopped talking about Brexit for four years. I got a Play Station 1 with a Crash Bandicoot CD and no plug and my husband got a bottle of Brut with the associated poster among his presents.
We collect stuff all year. It costs us very little. It gives money to Charity. And it turns Christmas into the best day of the year. It is such a good laugh! But it really demonstrates care and attention. And no possibility of hurt or offence. X

If this has been the first time this has happened to you so late in life, then congratulations for getting things right so far. Yes it was a good present but I agree with Binkiebonk that the thrill of winning at a casino is different to playing at home.
It is hard buying gifts especially for 10-11 yr olds. They’re into something one minute and the next something else especially if their friends decide whatever they’re into is deemed childish, or perhaps they have multiple items of the same toy (it happens especially if your local shop has had a influx of stock and everyone thinks no one else will have thought of getting this toy)
I remember in the 70s when I was long haired, jean wearing Progressive rock fan. My Nan asked me one day as she was reading a newspaper, had I heard of the Bay City Rollers. I said yes, thinking she was going to tell me some snippet of news she had just read. She just mumbled something and that was that until Christmas when she gave me a poster of the Bay City Rollers. I just thanked her for her kind thought and discreetly disposed of it later.
About 5 years ago we decided as a family not to buy presents for each other immediate and extended families (adults) Solved a lot of stress and waste paper. Cash for the kids were greatly appreciated.

It is extremely difficult buying gifts for adults, I'm sure we all get it wrong. Last year I got a gift card which could be spent in multiple shops and I thought this was great and had lots of fun spending it. I also have a stack of (unwanted) presents which well meaning friends and family have bought me which are still in their packets but I do try to show gratitude and enthusiasm when I receive them.

DC agreed no adult presents for each other this year. We gave and received presents from them but it was hard and a lot of cash and gift vouchers resulted. Think I’ll ask to have present ban extended to us next year.?
I agree with majority, cut your losses, send a gift card instead and perhaps have a moratorium on adult presents for all next year?

One of my adult sons reacts like this to presents he doesn’t want. Nowadays, I just ask him what he wants, and get it. He’s short of money though, so he’d honestly rather have stuff he can’t afford for himself.

The other son asked me to intervene one year, as his dad kept getting him (ironically) gift vouchers for a particular clothes shop that my son doesn’t like!

My daughter in law is very easy - she asked for vouchers for a particular clothes shop when I first bought her a present. I check every year if that’s still what she wants, and it always is.

I’d try not to hold it against your s-i-l, but I think I’d also feel put out if I’d gone to a lot of trouble and then seen my gift rejected. I’d also feel inclined to withhold the money, because it was tactless to leave it where it was obviously going to be got rid of!

You went to a lot of trouble and even if he didn't realise it your SIL was incredibly rude. A child would have been told off in that situation (well at least in my family). Even if it's something you don't like/want you should still be polite as someone went to the trouble to a) think of you and b) buy you a gift. I would return it and give him a gift voucher worth half of what you spent. Treat yourself with the rest.

I think the whole business of gifts is hazardous ! My husband just bought me a very expensive pair of Gerry Weber trousers , perfect size, type, but not being used to ordering he bought blue ! I’ll never wear blue trousers in a million years. Now I have a dilemma not a gift. I buy for my daughter and it’s like bingo - either bells ringing and gasps or ‘thats nice’ My mother the same. I like to buy when I want to not when it’s Christmas but that would spoil the ‘unwrapping’. It’s a difficult topic. If it was me I’d return the gift, get the money, buy a gift card and post it to him end of.

If you fall out with your family, even if you are in the right, you will suffer so much anxiety as a result. Best to let it go. Please may I suggest that next year you ask him what he is interested in and buy a suitable gift voucher. Many casinos have dining rooms. Could you get a copy of a menu of his favourite casino and put some money in that, so he could buy a few drinks or a meal? Go to a casino he haunts and buy some chips for him to play with. Is he sensitive about his gambling? Perhaps he thinks you disapprove. Either way, please let it go. We've all had to that. I never get a gift acknowledgement from my DIL, so I'm ditching sending expensive gifts next year. I bought a very pretty necklace in the sale for £5 for her next Christmas present. It's not revenge, I'm just not being available to be offended any more. Good luck next year!

Cash can so easily be absorbed in someone's wallet and not be spent on a treat. At least with a gift voucher you know they are going to get something and it'll be something of their choice.

When he saw what the gift was he probably knew it would be returned to store and perhaps had the sense to not delve into the box to keep it pristine,
If that is his only failing I think you should be grateful and a gift card would be in order.
We have gone to children only in our family to stop the waste of buying something just because we have to. It was very liberating.

I'm going to go against the grain here a little...
SiL thanked the OP for the gift (which I too think was a little odd but irrelevant)…. so he wasn't being ungrateful.
OP asked D if SiL liked it... it was the D who said he didn't and then OP assumed it was to be gotten rid of etc when she saw it by the garage... we don't actually know what his intention was and then OP decided to make a deal of it and return it and get all upset etc...
It can be hard buying gifts for people, but if choosing things that they haven't said they'd like then perhaps smaller items... it may simply have been by the garage while he was going to put it somewhere and got distracted... who knows... but as he didn't say 'MiL, I hate your present' to her, we can assume some manners on his part and that his intention was not that she should see it lying out waiting to be dealt with... we don't know...

Had you asked for gift ideas and he had said “gift vouchers”?

I always ask for a list especially from my DiL as I do not know her taste as it is so different from mine.
As you took the present back I would now give him a gift card for the same value with a wry smile. After all he is a wonderful SiL and you want to keep on the right side of him.

I think it would have been different if you hadn't spent a lot of time trying to find a gift that you thought he would appreciate and he was thoughtless in leaving the gift in plain view of all and sundry!
I guess that you were supposed to be a mind reader that he wanted gift cards ? Wouldn't have taken 2 seconds for your daughter to have just said "oh mum, if you are thinking of getting something for x for Christmas, he has said that he would prefer gift cards for ........... shop"
In future, if he can manage to buy himself just what he wants, I'd just give him a box of chocolates/ bottle of wine - we have all fallen into the trap of spending time and money on gifts when the recipient can afford to buy their own !

Pity as you obviously gave this s great deal of thought, but I now give money so ACs can buy things they want. Saves me time and hassle I get no complaints. I do get gift reeipts so that any unwanted items can be changed.

It was obvious to you he didn't like the gift, you returned it. Give him a voucher now and every year from now on.

I think if my 4 year old grandson had behaved in this way his mum and myself would have been disappointed. This is a grown up. Not disappointment but distaste here.
Too late to address but gift cards from now on and if he asks why, simply say you wanted to avoid your own embarrassment and his disappointment again.