Feeling hurt over unappreciated gift

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If DD knew he would like gift cards, why didn't she clue you in well ahead of time? Surely that would have been easier on everyone all round and avoided this sad situation where it seems like everyone ended up with feathers ruffled?

(I think SIL behaved rudely, incidentally, and I would not have offered to return the gift. But I might be overly strict in this way)

GrannieAnnie2010,
You are very lucky and obviously very popular to be given so many gifts!

I spend a lot of time on my allotment, and so I would get given a lot of books on growing vegetables and so on. I've also got piles of cookery books because I like cooking. Although not teetotal, ours is an alcohol-free house, yet the number of bottles of wine and alcohol I've been given is ridiculous. I believe that the reason for this is because I went down the "polite" route, saying how nice it was, thank you so much.

I then changed tack, and did what your SIL did - gave a polite but very cool reception to the gifts. Thank goodness, because now my trips to the charity shops to donate all those unwanted gifts have diminished, and I am slowly getting back the space in my shed that stores the bottles.

Instead I am given good quality hand cream, tokens and vouchers for day trips out and so on.

Being honest doesn't mean being rude.

Same here summerlove.

This thread has brought back memories. I remember feeling really hurt when MIL bought leggings for myself and my sister in law one Christmas. My sister in law was one size smaller than me and got the right size where as MIL gave me leggings two sizes too large. I smiled with my thanks and later passed them to a friend. MIL on the other hand didn't hide her displeasure with my gifts to her, which I put thought into.It really grated but I bit my lip. My last gift to her, a garden voucher, she sent back to me after we had a falling out. I haven't bothered since. I just remind my husband to phone her on her birthday, as he doesn't usually bother that must be a gift in itself.

You put a lot of thought into what to buy him and it was very rude of him to toss it aside. A gift with thought is so much better than vouchers, I wouldn't bother to get him any vouchers, his rudeness, his loss. I had a similar thing when my daughter brought her first house, as well of lots of gifts things I brought her a vacuum cleaner - she too opened the box and pulled a face, she did take it home and used it though!

Same here, summerlove

I’m still struggling to understand the shocking rudeness so many see

We used to put unwanted presents away until the next time a raffle prize was required. I find it sad that family members often have no idea of the stuff that other members would like. That is not a comment on the OP because it sounds as thought she thought long and hard about the gift she gave.

ILoveCheese is spot on.
I would however go to 50p.

I always buy myself something nice (that I really want) at Christmas - and I'd thoroughly recommend it!

Lily flower Why not, as I previously suggested, tell everyone that you are only buying for children in future, and don’t want any gifts.
With the money you save you can treat yourself to what you really want, and save yourself a lot of hassle at the same time.

It is all a shame and your SIL was insensitive and impolite. However, be wise and rise above it. Next year, buy a gift card for somewhere he shops and keep it to a moderate amount (say, no more than £20 at the most). That way, he'll have some cash to put towards something he actually wants and you won't be too out of pocket.

It does smack of ingratitude I know, but I'm retired and don't have cash to burn and it always upsets me when the very few people who buy me presents splash too much out on something I really don't want which cannot be returned. I always say, 'John Lewis vouchers for a small amount,' and this is routinely ignored. I always buy them exactly what they said they wanted.

I have a brother who I never know what to buy for - he's the only one of us who's single (as far as we know!) so I buy him an ethical gift such as a goat, chickens or, this year, a loo via one of the charities (lots do it, such as Oxfam, World Vision, Actionaid). I also bought him a nice wool scarf which he may or may not wear.

Not replacing the gift he didn't appreciate is asking for trouble to my mind! So he didn't like what you gave him, get over it and be the grown up and give him a gift card. If you want to buy him a gift in future then ask your DD what he wants/needs

How rude some people are these days!

Why do we give gifts to adults who are earning enough to buy anything they want anyway? Christmas is for children isn’t it?

I think with a son-in-law it's best to ask you daughter to ask him what he would like in advance. You made a special effort but unfortunately it wasn't appreciated. It sounds like a good present that he can share with friends and family. Maybe he already has something like that. I wouldn't take it personally.

Bought flowers for sister in law and she said' these are the only flowers I don't like!'
Oh well, would it be better for her to lie ,or tell the truth as it will prevent me from getting the same again? Flowers stayed in our bedroom.
(Get well gift) not Christmas.

I agree with GreenGran. We went 'children only' years ago as we're such a big family. We do a little jokey Elfster secret Santa for the adults (£20 limit).

Forget it anyway. I worry about people getting upset about trivial things like presents. How on Earth do they cope when something really bad happens?

I agree with GreenGran.
We give small presents to the children and if we find a good one, a game to the whole family.
I have had that happen to me too. In my case I had made my DS a gift and he left it behind.

I don’t see the point of giving gifts to adults who are comfortably off. Even if you give cash or vouchers there is the problem of how much to give to each one. Will it seem over-generous and embarrass the recipient, or not enough, and embarrass you? What it the point of having a merry-go-round of money-giving? Why not suggest, in plenty of time before the next birthday/Christmas that gifts should be just for the children? I bet that the whole family will be secretly relieved to have the burden removed.
As for your problem, willa45, I agree that you should just give your SIL a voucher instead. I can understand that the situation upset you, after taking so much trouble to choose a gift that you thought he would like. He didn’t handle it well. However, you say that he is a good man in every other way, so I would consign the matter to history. People can sometimes act thoughtlessly. Give him a break!

I do understand your hurt. I've given presents and never even received a thank you. In future just ask what they want. I bought expensive clothes for my grandson and still waiting for dil thank you. I'll be waiting for ever. When I was young I was grateful for any present given but it seems a different age now.

I think O Henry's classic short story, "Gift of the Magi" sums up the whole meaning of gift giving very poignantly.

For those of you who don't recall....At the end, gifts are exchanged but they turn out to be quite useless. They do however, end up being far more precious (to the recipients) on account of the selfless sacrifice that went into procuring them.

Five years ago the whole family discussed gifts and agreed not to buy them any more for anyone over the age of 16. Its been absolute bliss ever since. No hunting for pressies, no risking offence, no waste, no false enthusiasm for things we dont really want. Each part of the family hosts at some point over the festive season and cooks a special meal. Somehow its made meeting up all the more meaningful because we give the gift of each others company and nothing else. I really recommend it. I give my grown up kids money via a bank transfer, meant for them and their families to spend as they wish.